THE DO’S AND DON’TS OF TALKING TO YOUR KID’S COACH

Dos and donts of talking to a soccer coach? As if they were the queen of England?

Here's a hypothetical. Your little Madison has been taking private piano lessons for a few months. You'd like to ask her piano teacher if she's improving, if this is a waste of your money, if she's taking it seriously, and if there is a piece she would recommend your daughter play at your cousins wedding.

Do you scour the internet for dos and donts to talk to the piano teacher? No. Is there a list on how to talk to a piano teacher? I would venture to say no. You'd probably just go up to the teacher after a lesson or maybe even call, right?

Now imagine the piano teacher says I don't talk to parents, all communication goes through your child. I'm pretty sure most of you would either be confused, or laugh, or both. Then you would most likely find a new piano teacher. You'd call your spouse, friends and die laughing over the piano teachers behavior. It would be a story for the ages.

Why is it different with a soccer coach?

Anyone who has your child for any amount of time during the week should always be available for you to speak to. If they don't or won't make themselves available, find a new coach.
 
chargerfan said:
Anyone who has your child for any amount of time during the week should always be available for you to speak to. If they don't or won't make themselves available, find a new coach.
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Totally agree.

I equate a soccer coach as similar to my child's teacher. If any teacher of one of my kids said that they will not talk to parents and that all communication was to go through the student, I'd be pulling my kid from that classroom the same way I would pull my kid from a team with that coach.

That being said, I do think it's appropriate for a teacher/coach to let parents know the best way AND best times to schedule a time to talk to them about their child.

FWIW I find that talking to teachers and coaches has evolved as my kids have gotten older. The older the kids are the more I let the kid take the lead.

In elementary school? Probably talked to the teacher at least once a month (not always with a problem, usually just a check-in to see if the child had any classroom issues we should be know about). My kids didn't really start competitive soccer until end of elementary school but I probably talked to the coach about the same amount of time just checking in to see if there was anything the child needed to work on.

In middle school/high school? I typically talked to the teacher once a semester at back to school night/Open House. However, if issues arose I talked to them more frequently if the child in question wasn't communicating well. With my kids coaches it's about the same. I usually talk to them before the season starts and then again at the end of the season. I mostly let my kid communicate with the coach, but if there's an issue I have no problem scheduling a time to talk just like I would with a school teacher.
 
fotos4u2 said:
Totally agree.

I equate a soccer coach as similar to my child's teacher. If any teacher of one of my kids said that they will not talk to parents and that all communication was to go through the student, I'd be pulling my kid from that classroom the same way I would pull my kid from a team with that coach.

That being said, I do think it's appropriate for a teacher/coach to let parents know the best way AND best times to schedule a time to talk to them about their child.

FWIW I find that talking to teachers and coaches has evolved as my kids have gotten older. The older the kids are the more I let the kid take the lead.

In elementary school? Probably talked to the teacher at least once a month (not always with a problem, usually just a check-in to see if the child had any classroom issues we should be know about). My kids didn't really start competitive soccer until end of elementary school but I probably talked to the coach about the same amount of time just checking in to see if there was anything the child needed to work on.

In middle school/high school? I typically talked to the teacher once a semester at back to school night/Open House. However, if issues arose I talked to them more frequently if the child in question wasn't communicating well. With my kids coaches it's about the same. I usually talk to them before the season starts and then again at the end of the season. I mostly let my kid communicate with the coach, but if there's an issue I have no problem scheduling a time to talk just like I would with a school teacher.
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This is so sensible, rational and reasonable. These comments have no place here. :p
 
sandshark said:
You sound like paranoid coach reading to deep into simple questions thinking the questions are more about attacking you. News flash Mr Coach your feelings are NOT more important then the kids feelings. It's not always about you.
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lol - not a coach buddy. Im someone who actually is in charge of getting kids on the field - and make sure they are shielded from all the nonsense. So kids can focus only on playing. Im the person who makes sure coaches know exact concerns of parents and parents know the concerns of the coaches. works really with our teams. Most parents arent an issue. Usually a couple per team. Usually worse on good teams at higher flights/DA. As seen on the board, and old board, parents get too wrapped in the culture club soccer is in. If it were up to me id blow it up and start from scratch. Parents only see a very small portion of what admin/coaches deal with - most dont care as long as DD/DS get minutes and play in a position they want to be in. My point is, at least from my experience, parents focus only on a few things - which is natural given they arent experienced enough to see why things are done. Most cant displace themselves enough to look at things objectively. Most of this boils down to the attitude of the coaches and the parents. Open coach, logical parents - no problems. Douche coach, logical parents - problem. Douche coach, unrealistic parents - atomic bomb of problems. Arguments usually involve the difference between how things should work and how they actually work with people not wanting to concede anything
 
fotos4u2 said:
Totally agree.

I equate a soccer coach as similar to my child's teacher. If any teacher of one of my kids said that they will not talk to parents and that all communication was to go through the student, I'd be pulling my kid from that classroom the same way I would pull my kid from a team with that coach.

That being said, I do think it's appropriate for a teacher/coach to let parents know the best way AND best times to schedule a time to talk to them about their child.

FWIW I find that talking to teachers and coaches has evolved as my kids have gotten older. The older the kids are the more I let the kid take the lead.

In elementary school? Probably talked to the teacher at least once a month (not always with a problem, usually just a check-in to see if the child had any classroom issues we should be know about). My kids didn't really start competitive soccer until end of elementary school but I probably talked to the coach about the same amount of time just checking in to see if there was anything the child needed to work on.

In middle school/high school? I typically talked to the teacher once a semester at back to school night/Open House. However, if issues arose I talked to them more frequently if the child in question wasn't communicating well. With my kids coaches it's about the same. I usually talk to them before the season starts and then again at the end of the season. I mostly let my kid communicate with the coach, but if there's an issue I have no problem scheduling a time to talk just like I would with a school teacher.
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A lot of differences here. Ive found more access to coaches then i do teachers other than back to school night. ever actually try to pull a kid from a classroom? i have, almost impossible. Sometimes impossible to even get teachers to sit down with you - and when they do its with other teachers to cover their arses. At least at a Club, you can just move on and its only Soccer.
 
I see a huge % of coaches abusing the fact they hold a parents kids soccer experience/ happiness in the palm of thier hands, and so when the parent dares ask, inquire or flat out challenge the coach they abuse their power upon the child.
I'm not saying the parents are not crazy also, there are some majorly screwed up parents!!! I would say 75% of the parents are way out of touch with all to do with youth sports, like really screwed up people! But the deal is when you become a soccer coach you know what your getting into, just like becoming a Cop, but any Cop that did or said a 1/4 of what a soccer coach does would be fired!
But in soccer it seems almost non of the coaches or DOC's keep their integrity when dealing with the children's parents, so they abuse the children as punishment for the parents actions. They end up being negative, fake, horrible people because of this hugely profitable youth soccer business pushed them into crap they never imagined doing before. But that is no excuse for the way they take it out on little inoccent children.
We have had a few really great coaches and a DOC. But it seems the new way of things is 100% money driven at all cost and that creates today's issues.
 
Not_that_Serious said:
A lot of differences here. Ive found more access to coaches then i do teachers other than back to school night. ever actually try to pull a kid from a classroom? i have, almost impossible. Sometimes impossible to even get teachers to sit down with you - and when they do its with other teachers to cover their arses. At least at a Club, you can just move on and its only Soccer.
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Ya except in soccer when you move on you lose $1000's of dollars and the coach or club made an ever bigger profit as you walk.
On average A school teacher is 10 fold the person any club soccer coach could ever hope to be.
Club soccer has almost zero regulations or organizations watching over the clubs or coaches ethics. And the only people these club coaches answer to is other club coaches trying to pull the same BS!
It's the wild west with no regulations or rules of conduct!
You just made a comparison equal to comparing a mall security guard to a Police Swat team guy.
 
sandshark said:
Ya except in soccer when you move on you lose $1000's of dollars and the coach or club made an ever bigger profit as you walk.
On average A school teacher is 10 fold the person any club soccer coach could ever hope to be.
Club soccer has almost zero regulations or organizations watching over the clubs or coaches ethics. And the only people these club coaches answer to is other club coaches trying to pull the same BS!
It's the wild west with no regulations or rules of conduct!
You just made a comparison equal to comparing a mall security guard to a Police Swat team guy.
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what comparison did i make? someone else brought up the comparison. cant approach scholastic education to soccer education - not administered the same way. also, we have compulsory education laws, and soccer is merely a service industry. you are now comparing teachers to coaches which is a bit absurd except the fact that both professions have "professionals" who are good and bad at their jobs. like in any industry. as mentioned, sometimes the management is the issue.

you also make comments like this is new? unfortunately this club structure has been in place for at least 40 years. there is another topic that talks about solutions to this issue. for some reason you think im disagreeing with you about the overall general state of youth soccer. im not.

Here is what can be done imo:
USSF can easily have state orgs (like cal south) admin soccer. Have the orgs verify/certify clubs and get rid of the insurance salesman creating clubs and mandate certain standards to get certified. They could get rid of leagues and have everything under one system. If you look at the state, how many clubs are community based, as they are in other countries? maybe a handful. Cities/Counties also have certain mandates in order for the club to get deals on fields. this includes sponsoring kids, community involvement, and more. USSF could, fairly easily, approach cities/counties to start clubs - with them under the umbrella of a state org. USSF provides money to the orgs and these clubs - coaching support, breaks on licenses, camps, tournaments, etc. Then youd have kids playing for their communities. You could weed out crap coaches because people in charge would be from that city/area - since most people involved (parents) are connected and know people all the way up in government. Last thing admins are going to allow is some douche coach to abuse (even verbally) kids - since they could vary well be a councilmember or mayor's child. Get this in Europe - support is deep even down to youth level. But this only solves part of the problem. Still need to fund it all. In order to do this, I believe, youd need FIFA to mandate youth/dev clubs to be given 5% solidarity payments - which is double dipping since parents pay for the development (MLS keeps it for the most part right now). This opens a can of worms since it could become even a Wilder West since clubs will be trying to make more money - but bad coaches will get weeded out since they arent ones that development good talent. Not an easy issue. This system is VERY complex. But if we have a solid community based structure, or at least one where state orgs are heavily monitoring clubs, we might have a chance.

Too bad none of us here have votes in USSF. Well maybe an admin here and there via orgs, but they arent going to rock the boat if they are cashing in on the system.
 
Not_that_Serious said:
what comparison did i make? someone else brought up the comparison. cant approach scholastic education to soccer education - not administered the same way. also, we have compulsory education laws, and soccer is merely a service industry. you are now comparing teachers to coaches which is a bit absurd except the fact that both professions have "professionals" who are good and bad at their jobs. like in any industry. as mentioned, sometimes the management is the issue.

you also make comments like this is new? unfortunately this club structure has been in place for at least 40 years. there is another topic that talks about solutions to this issue. for some reason you think im disagreeing with you about the overall general state of youth soccer. im not.

Here is what can be done imo:
USSF can easily have state orgs (like cal south) admin soccer. Have the orgs verify/certify clubs and get rid of the insurance salesman creating clubs and mandate certain standards to get certified. They could get rid of leagues and have everything under one system. If you look at the state, how many clubs are community based, as they are in other countries? maybe a handful. Cities/Counties also have certain mandates in order for the club to get deals on fields. this includes sponsoring kids, community involvement, and more. USSF could, fairly easily, approach cities/counties to start clubs - with them under the umbrella of a state org. USSF provides money to the orgs and these clubs - coaching support, breaks on licenses, camps, tournaments, etc. Then youd have kids playing for their communities. You could weed out crap coaches because people in charge would be from that city/area - since most people involved (parents) are connected and know people all the way up in government. Last thing admins are going to allow is some douche coach to abuse (even verbally) kids - since they could vary well be a councilmember or mayor's child. Get this in Europe - support is deep even down to youth level. But this only solves part of the problem. Still need to fund it all. In order to do this, I believe, youd need FIFA to mandate youth/dev clubs to be given 5% solidarity payments - which is double dipping since parents pay for the development (MLS keeps it for the most part right now). This opens a can of worms since it could become even a Wilder West since clubs will be trying to make more money - but bad coaches will get weeded out since they arent ones that development good talent. Not an easy issue. This system is VERY complex. But if we have a solid community based structure, or at least one where state orgs are heavily monitoring clubs, we might have a chance.

Too bad none of us here have votes in USSF. Well maybe an admin here and there via orgs, but they arent going to rock the boat if they are cashing in on the system.
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THIS..
"A lot of differences here. Ive found more access to coaches then i do teachers other than back to school night. ever actually try to pull a kid from a classroom? i have, almost impossible. Sometimes impossible to even get teachers to sit down with you - and when they do its with other teachers to cover their arses. At least at a Club, you can just move on and its only Soccer."

Anyway your last post is really involved and really far fetched in the USA. I like the sounds of that system but never going to happen in the US. It is up to us parents to stop the BS and force respect, business ethics and some kind of moral boundaries in the system. We can do it by talking about the BS as it happens and exposing the abuse.
 
i was responding to a comparison. semantics. oh well.

what i mentioned actually isnt far fetched if you talk to heads of orgs. you are correct, wont happen as long as people in charge only care about the money. if by some chance a former player becomes in charge, this type of system isnt as far off as you think.

you still are under the assumption parents have some type of control or say-so as the system is constructed? the only thing they can do is hurt the wallets. the only way to do that is in groves. one or two people leaving does ZERO. they will replace the kids without issue. you also assume all the parents are on the same page and just looking at the board youll see some parents feed into the club mentalities.
 
Not_that_Serious said:
i was responding to a comparison. semantics. oh well.

what i mentioned actually isnt far fetched if you talk to heads of orgs. you are correct, wont happen as long as people in charge only care about the money. if by some chance a former player becomes in charge, this type of system isnt as far off as you think.

you still are under the assumption parents have some type of control or say-so as the system is constructed? the only thing they can do is hurt the wallets. the only way to do that is in groves. one or two people leaving does ZERO. they will replace the kids without issue. you also assume all the parents are on the same page and just looking at the board youll see some parents feed into the club mentalities.
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Got it.
No I'm not under the impression or assume that parents alone can change this system, but I do know if more parents put their foot down and demand honesty and stopped chasing the BS promises things would change. But let's get real I would say 50% of the parents on any team are following blindly the coaches sales pitch.
To many followers and crazies to ever stop the money train, to many shady coaches being led by DOC's.
 
sandshark said:
Got it.
No I'm not under the impression or assume that parents alone can change this system, but I do know if more parents put their foot down and demand honesty and stopped chasing the BS promises things would change. But let's get real I would say 50% of the parents on any team are following blindly the coaches sales pitch.
To many followers and crazies to ever stop the money train, to many shady coaches being led by DOC's.
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yep. you literally have to chop off the head of the snake - in this case ast USSF. just have to make sure the snake doesnt have two heads - which is currently has. You then have to have someone change the culture (look up Claudio Reynalda comments) and then start the mandates. Would take a plan of at least 10 years. why i said community based initiatives would correct many problems
 
Not_that_Serious said:
yep. you literally have to chop off the head of the snake - in this case ast USSF. just have to make sure the snake doesnt have two heads - which is currently has. You then have to have someone change the culture (look up Claudio Reynalda comments) and then start the mandates. Would take a plan of at least 10 years. why i said community based initiatives would correct many problems
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We will be long gone in 10 years. But I still would like to help save other families the BS I have seen so many endure of the past years.
 
Not_that_Serious said:
yep. you literally have to chop off the head of the snake - in this case ast USSF. just have to make sure the snake doesnt have two heads - which is currently has. You then have to have someone change the culture (look up Claudio Reynalda comments) and then start the mandates. Would take a plan of at least 10 years. why i said community based initiatives would correct many problems
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10 years ago PDA was the solution in 10 years.
 
I think the Teacher/Student/Parent relationship analogy is a good one. For young kids, I think it's perfectly fair to ask the coach how your kid is doing, ask questions to help you better understand what's going on/why your kid is playing here or there or not getting opportunities to play. The more parents understand what's going through the coaches mind, the better it is for everyone. But as in any situation, parents need to stay calm and not assume things when approaching the coach. I think the coach has a responsibility to be open and honest with the parent. If the kid sucks, tell them what they need to work on and/or help them work on that. Once a coach takes a player on their team (at least at youngers) that kids development is the responsibility of the coach and the coach owes it to that player to help them the best they can and give them opportunities to learn and be their best - and this can be incredibly hard because sometimes you get kids that just don't care, don't listen, or don't get it. But their job is to manage this in a way that also sets the team up for success. this is also why we have tryouts and if coaches focused on coachability, demeanor and skill of a kid as much as they did size, they would probably have a lot less drama. Parents, remember tryouts are for you to evaluate a coach as well...

Bottom line, talk to your coach, you deserve to know what's going on, but do it respectfully and with an open mind. Don't talk about other kids unless the cause for concern is your players safety or something. The 48 hr rule is a good one but sometimes doesn't work because you have practices and games every 48 so there's never a good time. Rule of thumb is to wait until you calm down and are thinking rationally so you don't say something you regret.
 
YO quick question. Does everyone on this forum have a kid thats the best player on the team? Seem like that is everyones verification status. Me? my kids is better than some not as good as others. Stop putting a target on your DDs back.
 
jose said:
YO quick question. Does everyone on this forum have a kid thats the best player on the team? Seem like that is everyones verification status. Me? my kids is better than some not as good as others. Stop putting a target on your DDs back.
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How about sons?
 
jose said:
YO quick question. Does everyone on this forum have a kid thats the best player on the team? Seem like that is everyones verification status. Me? my kids is better than some not as good as others. Stop putting a target on your DDs back.
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Lol youd think everyone here has kids playing ODP. Old board was worse with bragging parents. If my kid could play with a rocketpack on his back hed be a world beater
 
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