THE DO’S AND DON’TS OF TALKING TO YOUR KID’S COACH

[GKDad65]

Becareful talking to a coach. I my experience many of them are quite immature and may not have the background and experience that you would expect. You'll recognize the ones that you can have
a legitimate conversation without hurting their feelings. Ask around. Of course, there are many outstanding coaches out there, also.

 

[jsmaxwell]

Because we have all seen it

Yeah...mostly at CDA.

 

[Not_that_Serious]

coach works for the club. you can ask why your kid doesnt get playing time, or why they played a certain way but you have no say in if your kid plays or tactics. just like the coach isnt going to your job and telling you how to: flip the burger, mow the lawn, clean the pool, sell some dude a policy, build a rocket, rebuild an engine or attach trumps head onto obama's body.

so you are going to tell a coach, who has probably played pro/national team/academies in Europe, coach odp, coach collegiate soccer, probably has at least a C license, etc, about his tactics or player choice? if the coach doesnt show up to practices, isnt showing up to games, or letting kids goof around, you are correct. To tell your coach what YOUR expectations are sounds like the arrogance Claudio Reyna spoke of. Ive manage a few years now and seen some crazy unrealistic expectations come from parents mouths. maybe your expectations are fair, but most coaches are not going to change how they do things because of parents.

i do agree, coaches arent there to power trip and if they are loud then maybe the child shouldnt be coached by them. see this at the field my kid has private group training at. the club has yell first, explain 2nd coaches. best coaches explain and yell when they need to.

 

[Not_that_Serious]

You people are out of your minds. I played sports my whole life and had one son play club and academy and college and have another at academy. It’s not the parent’s trip, it’s the kid’s. The coach doesn’t work for you. The coach works for the club. My parents never spoke to any of my coaches. Pay your money and shut up. What do you think it’s about? Maybe you get one or two meetings per year with your minor child for an evaluation, but that’s it.

i agree to a point. when it comes to the actual soccer, parents have no input. the only time parents should get involved is if they arent playing much - im talking 1/4 of a game or less. if the kid can guest on another team the coach should be trying to find the kid some time. wont get better not playing. cant demand them to play, but should see if he/she can help get them some field time. now if you are at the lowest flight, cant really go anywhere else. evaluations are good if you are willing to hear it. some parents dont want to hear their kid isnt focused, or not into soccer, swears like a sailor or has other deep behavior issues.

 

[El Clasico]

xav10 brings up a perspective that we may be over looking. While, it is my belief that a parent should communicate with a coach, there are exceptions. Parents of the welfare players, the "top-flight" players that don't pay because the other kid's parents pay for it, or the fully funded academy kids or maybe even the kids in college on scholarship, maybe should "sit down and shut up". After all, you really have nothing invested anyway.

But here is the thing...have a child who was/is a very good player. We created a plan based on what the child wanted and executed. Made the mistake with this child of always being completely upfront with the coach(s). Heavily tracked and recruited by coaches from other clubs which was always complete B.S. sales jobs. Stayed with the club that worked within players plan even though there were many run ins with the club/coach (not traveling to east coast, etc. but was upfront about it from the beginning - before signing). When things like this did occur, coaches would always denigrate my player for not helping the team. They always talked behind players back but sucked up to players face. Over the years, I felt bad and angry as others players would be let go for the same reasons just because they were not at the same level. Player ended up getting an academic scholarship to a very prestigious school. Didn't seek athletic scholarship, nor are they offered by this institution. After coach/club heard the news, the club had the arrogance to put players name and picture on website implying that they had something to do with player's achievement. Ironically, they were an impediment along the way and they wanted to take credit for player's success after the fact. Had to send a letter to club demanding that they remove name and picture from website. Player has graduated and now started law school.

I will not dismiss the positives that team (especially competitive) sports provides to any child looking to get ahead in life but I also realize that success has more to do with the player and the parents than any coach/club unless you are only interested in going Pro. In other words, I am not sure what would have happened or where we would be today if we just "sit down and shut up". In fact, with all my player's coaches, I am the first one to stand and ask questions.

Lastly, I think that is pretty common knowledge that the best way to break the cycle of welfare is for an intervention. Try standing up for your child's interests, it might make you feel better and help break the cycle.

 

[Keepermom2]

xav10 brings up a perspective that we may be over looking. While, it is my belief that a parent should communicate with a coach, there are exceptions. Parents of the welfare players, the "top-flight" players that don't pay because the other kid's parents pay for it, or the fully funded academy kids or maybe even the kids in college on scholarship, maybe should "sit down and shut up". After all, you really have nothing invested anyway.

But here is the thing...have a child who was/is a very good player. We created a plan based on what the child wanted and executed. Made the mistake with this child of always being completely upfront with the coach(s). Heavily tracked and recruited by coaches from other clubs which was always complete B.S. sales jobs. Stayed with the club that worked within players plan even though there were many run ins with the club/coach (not traveling to east coast, etc. but was upfront about it from the beginning - before signing). When things like this did occur, coaches would always denigrate my player for not helping the team. They always talked behind players back but sucked up to players face. Over the years, I felt bad and angry as others players would be let go for the same reasons just because they were not at the same level. Player ended up getting an academic scholarship to a very prestigious school. Didn't seek athletic scholarship, nor are they offered by this institution. After coach/club heard the news, the club had the arrogance to put players name and picture on website implying that they had something to do with player's achievement. Ironically, they were an impediment along the way and they wanted to take credit for player's success after the fact. Had to send a letter to club demanding that they remove name and picture from website. Player has graduated and now started law school.

I will not dismiss the positives that team (especially competitive) sports provides to any child looking to get ahead in life but I also realize that success has more to do with the player and the parents than any coach/club unless you are only interested in going Pro. In other words, I am not sure what would have happened or where we would be today if we just "sit down and shut up". In fact, with all my player's coaches, I am the first one to stand and ask questions.

Lastly, I think that is pretty common knowledge that the best way to break the cycle of welfare is for an intervention. Try standing up for your child's interests, it might make you feel better and help break the cycle.

Love this post and thank you for posting. I just sat down with my 11 year old and built a plan with a section titled "Continued Enthusiasm for Soccer" so we could stay focused on what she wants and do what I could to help her with that. The items mostly included personal development that would benefit on the soccer field but would also benefit her in life.

 

[Soccer43]

Coaches need to keep in mind that these kids are not race horses or car engines they are tinkering with. These are human beings at an impressionable and vulnerable time and parents are responsible to help them navigate the world in many ways - the elite youth soccer world is just one of those places

 

[Nutmeg]

But what does my kid’s life on the soccer field have to do with me? I talk to my kid’s schoolteacher maybe twice per year? YMCA, little league, AYSO, club Soccer, they all cost money. My role is to drive and watch. Please explain what I’m missing. I have a DA kid and a club kid and I talked to their coaches once when they joined last summer and not since. Why would i?

Well Dilly, Dilly for you. Consider yourself lucky that your kid balls out every day and you don’t need to talk to anybody. Fantastic, you win the day. But the day may come when yours does have an issue that requires you to get involved. Maybe off the field issue maybe an injury related topic. Who knows. Then what. These are kids under the age of 18 and at some point parents matter. Coaches want you to believe they are some enlightened species that can’t be bothered. Look we pay money, coaches and clubs provide the service. That’s the deal. If these clubs don’t want us to talk to them than I suggest they make soccer fully funded. But once you take money you open the door. (This is a whole other topic btw) You are not more enlightened by the laid back what am I missing attitude. Coaches should not have to be parents friends or even have to communicate daily with parents, no one here is asking that, but good coaches should and do encourage and open honest two way dialogue with parents.

 

[Woobie06]

This thread is very interesting.....we have a u12 player and from our perspective the most important things right now are developing (finding a team with a good coach, and the right level for her so she can play), and having fun. Fun is number 1.....no college coach gives a rip about what a player did as a little. Our coach is very open with parents, text, phone, email and a little too available in my opinion. Parents are constantly calling, texting, etc. about playing time, position,or why this child is practicing occasionally with the older team and theirs is not. Its a bit ridiculous.

I agree people need to worry about their own kids journey, but parents also have to make adult decisions, find the right level team for their player where they can play, develop and have fun....I have seen more of this than I should.....some parents pushing to get their kid who they KNOW is in over their head on a team, but are surprised when they don't rise and blame the club, coach, etc. and choose to ignore their poor decision. Did they make the decision for themselves or the kid?

I think in general parents are just as much to blame as the club or coach in many situations. Communication is different at different age groups and genders, and in some cases players need to fight their own battles instead of mom and dad coming to the rescue and learn to problem solve on their own. There is not a singular answer to the questions.

 

[SBFDad]

Well Dilly, Dilly for you. Consider yourself lucky that your kid balls out every day and you don’t need to talk to anybody. Fantastic, you win the day. But the day may come when yours does have an issue that requires you to get involved. Maybe off the field issue maybe an injury related topic. Who knows. Then what. These are kids under the age of 18 and at some point parents matter. Coaches want you to believe they are some enlightened species that can’t be bothered. Look we pay money, coaches and clubs provide the service. That’s the deal. If these clubs don’t want us to talk to them than I suggest they make soccer fully funded. But once you take money you open the door. (This is a whole other topic btw) You are not more enlightened by the laid back what am I missing attitude. Coaches should not have to be parents friends or even have to communicate daily with parents, no one here is asking that, but good coaches should and do encourage and open honest two way dialogue with parents.

I agree for the most part, however...

Just because a team or player is funded doesn’t mean we as parents should lose our access to coaches when necessary. I will give you that in principle a “paying customer” should expect more say-so, but even the “free ride” requires parent intervention in some instances. I for one will never give 100% control over to a coach or organization where my son’s development, both as a player and a man, are concerned. Luckily he is in a place now where very little parent/coach interaction has been required, but that may not always be the case. I will continue to parent where I see fit.

 

[Nutmeg]

I agree for the most part, however...

Just because a team or player is funded doesn’t mean we as parents should lose our access to coaches when necessary. I will give you that in principle a “paying customer” should expect more say-so, but even the “free ride” requires parent intervention in some instances. I for one will never give 100% control over to a coach or organization where my son’s development, both as a player and a man, are concerned. Luckily he is in a place now where very little parent/coach interaction has been required, but that may not always be the case. I will continue to parent where I see fit.

You are right on. I just wanted to spare everyone having to read my fully funded rant. But fully funded does not mean no parent involvement for me.

 

[xav10]

Well Dilly, Dilly for you. Consider yourself lucky that your kid balls out every day and you don’t need to talk to anybody. Fantastic, you win the day. But the day may come when yours does have an issue that requires you to get involved. Maybe off the field issue maybe an injury related topic. Who knows. Then what. These are kids under the age of 18 and at some point parents matter. Coaches want you to believe they are some enlightened species that can’t be bothered. Look we pay money, coaches and clubs provide the service. That’s the deal. If these clubs don’t want us to talk to them than I suggest they make soccer fully funded. But once you take money you open the door. (This is a whole other topic btw) You are not more enlightened by the laid back what am I missing attitude. Coaches should not have to be parents friends or even have to communicate daily with parents, no one here is asking that, but good coaches should and do encourage and open honest two way dialogue with parents.

Fair critique. I was overstating the case, no doubt, to make a point. Coaches are not sacrosanct and lord knows if I were one I wouldn't hesitate to speak to parents once in a while...

 

[Not_that_Serious]

xav10 brings up a perspective that we may be over looking. While, it is my belief that a parent should communicate with a coach, there are exceptions. Parents of the welfare players, the "top-flight" players that don't pay because the other kid's parents pay for it, or the fully funded academy kids or maybe even the kids in college on scholarship, maybe should "sit down and shut up". After all, you really have nothing invested anyway.

But here is the thing...have a child who was/is a very good player. We created a plan based on what the child wanted and executed. Made the mistake with this child of always being completely upfront with the coach(s). Heavily tracked and recruited by coaches from other clubs which was always complete B.S. sales jobs. Stayed with the club that worked within players plan even though there were many run ins with the club/coach (not traveling to east coast, etc. but was upfront about it from the beginning - before signing). When things like this did occur, coaches would always denigrate my player for not helping the team. They always talked behind players back but sucked up to players face. Over the years, I felt bad and angry as others players would be let go for the same reasons just because they were not at the same level. Player ended up getting an academic scholarship to a very prestigious school. Didn't seek athletic scholarship, nor are they offered by this institution. After coach/club heard the news, the club had the arrogance to put players name and picture on website implying that they had something to do with player's achievement. Ironically, they were an impediment along the way and they wanted to take credit for player's success after the fact. Had to send a letter to club demanding that they remove name and picture from website. Player has graduated and now started law school.

I will not dismiss the positives that team (especially competitive) sports provides to any child looking to get ahead in life but I also realize that success has more to do with the player and the parents than any coach/club unless you are only interested in going Pro. In other words, I am not sure what would have happened or where we would be today if we just "sit down and shut up". In fact, with all my player's coaches, I am the first one to stand and ask questions.

Lastly, I think that is pretty common knowledge that the best way to break the cycle of welfare is for an intervention. Try standing up for your child's interests, it might make you feel better and help break the cycle.

dont know if you use words for pure impact or really use them naturally, but in either case you seem to imply "welfare" cases shouldnt voice opinions. whether they play for free (or pay), scholarship or whatever, a player/parent/guardian should speak up if the child's wellbeing or development is an issue. in college, different story as they are adults who need to figure out solutions to problems - mainly on their own. everyone has a voice and shouldnt be scared to ask a question or speak about concerns. if the coach is an ass, or dont believe in how he works, move on. breaking up welfare via intervention? dont know what welfare cycle kids truly suffer at club soccer - unless we are talking about a child's well-being and not $. again, just need to let the kids play, and have realistic expectations. to make a written plan, not that serious.

 

[Nutmeg]

Fair critique. I was overstating the case, no doubt, to make a point. Coaches are not sacrosanct and lord knows if I were one I wouldn't hesitate to speak to parents once in a while...

This is a well reasoned measured response. For what it is worth (not much mind you) You have my so cal Soccer blog award of the day to you sir.

 

[Not_that_Serious]

You are right on. I just wanted to spare everyone having to read my fully funded rant. But fully funded does not mean no parent involvement for me.

exactly. but thats the country club soccer attitude held by many.
Me Pay So Much, You Pay Less. So My voice > Then Yours. I Pay Your Salary Coach, You Will Listen!

 

[sandshark]

The clubs and coaches have somehow created an atmosphere in this business model that we should all be thankful they allow us to write them checks for $1000's & $1000's per year. They are always right and we are all simply just a step below equal to their superior life knowledge of how to raise our children, play sports or manage our 13 years olds soccer experience. Asking them questions about games, positions played and reasoning for team placement is almost unthinkable by their superior standards of parent (customer) to coach relations.
Like I have said before I have seen real men from the real world that run multi million dollar companies, with beautiful, loving, successful families bow to some two bit low level club coach when simply trying to get educated on some desicions the coach has made, not questioning the coaches ability just trying to learn what the coaches plan or strategy is?
I don't understand how this has happened other then clubs have learned how to prey on our love and respect for our children, so we make desisions based on love.
Because honestly if I had been conducting strictly business the past 14 years I would have told several coaches and clubs to screw off and refund my money now! The product was not as described, the quality was substandard and they service was horrific!
But we all seem to keep accepting this and they keep building a bigger businesses.
You have a question for a coach within the guild lines of being respectful and considerate of others I say walk up and ask the dam question!
If it's somewhat sensitive or has made you angry then wait 24 hours and make the call. But don't ever think they are somehow doing you a favor by taking the time to actually do their job.

 

[Nutmeg]

The clubs and coaches have somehow created an atmosphere in this business model that we should all be thankful they allow us to write them checks for $1000's & $1000's per year. They are always right and we are all simply just a step below equal to their superior life knowledge of how to raise our children, play sports or manage our 13 years olds soccer experience. Asking them questions about games, positions played and reasoning for team placement is almost unthinkable by their superior standards of parent (customer) to coach relations.
Like I have said before I have seen real men from the real world that run multi million dollar companies, with beautiful, loving, successful families bow to some two bit low level club coach when simply trying to get educated on some desicions the coach has made, not questioning the coaches ability just trying to learn what the coaches plan or strategy is?
I don't understand how this has happened other then clubs have learned how to prey on our love and respect for our children, so we make desisions based on love.
Because honestly if I had been conducting strictly business the past 14 years I would have told several coaches and clubs to screw off and refund my money now! The product was not as described, the quality was substandard and they service was horrific!
But we all seem to keep accepting this and they keep building a bigger businesses.
You have a question for a coach within the guild lines of being respectful and considerate of others I say walk up and ask the dam question!
If it's somewhat sensitive or has made you angry then wait 24 hours and make the call. But don't ever think they are somehow doing you a favor by taking the time to actually do their job.

Nailed it

 

[Keepermom2]

The clubs and coaches have somehow created an atmosphere in this business model that we should all be thankful they allow us to write them checks for $1000's & $1000's per year. They are always right and we are all simply just a step below equal to their superior life knowledge of how to raise our children, play sports or manage our 13 years olds soccer experience. Asking them questions about games, positions played and reasoning for team placement is almost unthinkable by their superior standards of parent (customer) to coach relations.
Like I have said before I have seen real men from the real world that run multi million dollar companies, with beautiful, loving, successful families bow to some two bit low level club coach when simply trying to get educated on some desicions the coach has made, not questioning the coaches ability just trying to learn what the coaches plan or strategy is?
I don't understand how this has happened other then clubs have learned how to prey on our love and respect for our children, so we make desisions based on love.
Because honestly if I had been conducting strictly business the past 14 years I would have told several coaches and clubs to screw off and refund my money now! The product was not as described, the quality was substandard and they service was horrific!
But we all seem to keep accepting this and they keep building a bigger businesses.
You have a question for a coach within the guild lines of being respectful and considerate of others I say walk up and ask the dam question!
If it's somewhat sensitive or has made you angry then wait 24 hours and make the call. But don't ever think they are somehow doing you a favor by taking the time to actually do their job.

This made me laugh at loud for a long time! I have used words like "counter intuitive" but you said it much more succinctly!

 

[Striker17]

The clubs and coaches have somehow created an atmosphere in this business model that we should all be thankful they allow us to write them checks for $1000's & $1000's per year. They are always right and we are all simply just a step below equal to their superior life knowledge of how to raise our children, play sports or manage our 13 years olds soccer experience. Asking them questions about games, positions played and reasoning for team placement is almost unthinkable by their superior standards of parent (customer) to coach relations.
Like I have said before I have seen real men from the real world that run multi million dollar companies, with beautiful, loving, successful families bow to some two bit low level club coach when simply trying to get educated on some desicions the coach has made, not questioning the coaches ability just trying to learn what the coaches plan or strategy is?
I don't understand how this has happened other then clubs have learned how to prey on our love and respect for our children, so we make desisions based on love.
Because honestly if I had been conducting strictly business the past 14 years I would have told several coaches and clubs to screw off and refund my money now! The product was not as described, the quality was substandard and they service was horrific!
But we all seem to keep accepting this and they keep building a bigger businesses.
You have a question for a coach within the guild lines of being respectful and considerate of others I say walk up and ask the dam question!
If it's somewhat sensitive or has made you angry then wait 24 hours and make the call. But don't ever think they are somehow doing you a favor by taking the time to actually do their job.

You forgot 99.9 percent never played at a high level either.
Even more humorous is most have never gone to a fine academic institution that the majority of us tend to try to get our children into. That’s even the funniest part. Would you actually trust them with admissions?! No thanks! Hard pass.

 

[Not_that_Serious]

The clubs and coaches have somehow created an atmosphere in this business model that we should all be thankful they allow us to write them checks for $1000's & $1000's per year. They are always right and we are all simply just a step below equal to their superior life knowledge of how to raise our children, play sports or manage our 13 years olds soccer experience. Asking them questions about games, positions played and reasoning for team placement is almost unthinkable by their superior standards of parent (customer) to coach relations.
Like I have said before I have seen real men from the real world that run multi million dollar companies, with beautiful, loving, successful families bow to some two bit low level club coach when simply trying to get educated on some desicions the coach has made, not questioning the coaches ability just trying to learn what the coaches plan or strategy is?
I don't understand how this has happened other then clubs have learned how to prey on our love and respect for our children, so we make desisions based on love.
Because honestly if I had been conducting strictly business the past 14 years I would have told several coaches and clubs to screw off and refund my money now! The product was not as described, the quality was substandard and they service was horrific!
But we all seem to keep accepting this and they keep building a bigger businesses.
You have a question for a coach within the guild lines of being respectful and considerate of others I say walk up and ask the dam question!
If it's somewhat sensitive or has made you angry then wait 24 hours and make the call. But don't ever think they are somehow doing you a favor by taking the time to actually do their job.

the problem isnt questions, the problem is some THINK they are asking questions but more telling coaches what to do...or complaining about something. Most parents only take away a couple things from a game: the score and how much time their kid played. They dont see their kid running out of position, or not doing what they are asked to do - especially at practice since most parents drop and leave. They dont see the gaping holes at the midfield, kids pulling up on balls, mids not tracking back on defense, -thus forcing changes during the game. They dont hear the coach yelling at their kid 3-4 times in a row to do something. Sometimes kids arent doing what they need to do - sometimes kids are lucky and shifted somewhere on the field and not pulled out completely. Good coaches tell kids why this happens. Then when the kid is asked by parents "Why did you get pulled?", its "I dont know" or or "Coach doesnt like me". Had a kid get benched and played 1 man down because the kid was walking all game. Parent came over to ask the kid why he was pulled and the kid told his dad "im hurt", to which the coach turned and said "no he isnt. can you please go to the other side of the field". Same kid has the foulest mouth and get kicked out of practice - yet parents first ones to complain to the club about playing time.

i do understand when coaches wont give info or just show up to make a pay check. A good coach will list all the reasons these things happen. Parents also have to accept what is being explained.