Bullying on the team..... Need your input

Sane65 said:
Thank you to everyone. I asked for your input and I do value everyone's shares. The age group is young enough to need supervision and old enough to know better. We have encouraged and tried to give our kid the proper tools to handle this situation and people like this. "Life Skills" right? We have 4 kids that play competitive sports, so we recognize the difference between mental toughness/competitiveness and straight up bullying. The escalation of the bullying has been gradual over 3-4 months but we have reached a critical mass where gender, level of play, learned behaviors or race quite honestly do NOT matter. There is no excuse for the targeted behavior. Changes will absolutely happen and it will be initiated by us the parents, as we won't allow these incidents to happen anymore.
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I am a coach. Unfortunately, this happens a lot more than you think as it seems many more of today's kids are under less adult leadership than days gone by. That said, I would want you to come to me first. Given that much of it takes place when I am the one in charge, it should start with me in regards to a solution. I think most coaches that care would do whatever it takes to try to address the situation in a diplomatic way without destroying any kids in the process. Many times, the 9 year old kid doing the bullying does not really see it as a negative as many times they are modeling behavior. There are lots of ways to deal with it, sometimes you just have to go to multiple steps to get the end result. I feel most times this can be done by the coach. Maybe I am a just naive....
 
Deadpoolscores! said:
Leave the DOC out of it...if the coach can't change the environment what makes you think the DOC will. Is the DOC going to fire the coach? most likely not...DOC have too many things on their plates. What the child needs to do is confront the bully and find out what is their problem. Getting mommy involved is only making it worse for him...are you always going to step in every time he gets bullied in life? Or teach him best thing to do is quit and move on? You should talk to the coach... he should step aside and observe from a distance to see it for himself, confront them at the same time in order to get to the root cause of it. I have done that several time as a coach with girls and boys from Ulittles to high school players you be amaze what I hear when they confront each other. But at the end they resolve it because I have them work together as a team in everything making them realize that they need each other. If the coach can't resolve the bullying issues in his team then you might as well move on and hope you can find a new team soon.
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If the coach won't do anything you definitely should go up the chain to the DOC/President. Not so much to get the situation resolved but to possibly keep the situation from happening again to someone else.
 
My daughter played on a U10 team. The girls spend a lot of time together, probably 6-10 hours a week of games and practice, plus car pools, out of state tournaments, and of course social media. I feel like she sees her teammates more than her siblings.

We learned about half way through last season that the top player on the team was supposedly giving a lot of crap to the weakest kid on the team, as well as the goalie. My daughter, who is in the middle of the roster, stayed out of it.

Things eventually got to the point where the two girls parents went straight to the owner of the club who handled it, imo, very well. My understanding is they by passed the girls parents, which made her very upset about,


The coach put all the girls in a room and everyone aired their grievances.
 
Striker17 said:
You forgot "she just wants the ball sent directly to her feet"
"She's a high level player and doesn't like the way your daughter plays"
"I like the girls to handle things themselves it's part of growing up" ..
LOL I have witnessed it all. For the record mom of said child clearly had no control over daughter as evidenced by social media etc.
Remember its feel good Cali!

To put this into perspective I was at a boys sporting event last weekend. Coach yells at a player to "get the damn ball under control". Another player yells at player "yeah get the damn ball under control". Ref stops the game. Approaches coach and says enough you can't say that. Coach starts yelling back, then parents start yelling form the stands "since when is damn a cuss word" Ref has to come around and explain to parents that this is a youth sports event and he would prefer if we didn't yell at athletes and think the use of damn was appropriate.
I felt like I was in a fantasy land.
These are the values of our society now!
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Welcome to Trump's America! Sorry carry on.
 
I have had this situation with my kids on two occasions. One was Parent to kid ( u 8/9). The parent who happened to also be the manager's husband would isolate my son and use intimidation to bully my son. To clarify, he wanted my son to play goal. He would tell him things like "If you don't play goal we are going to lose . He also made all team call him Coach ----". (at some point he was the AYSO coach for a lot of the boys on the team) After a loss he would reinforce his agenda by making sure that my son was aware or the 'reason' the team lost. We did damage control after games and practice and approached the coach to see if he was wanting my son to tend the goal . It was not the intent of the coach. So we made him aware of the situation and asked him to address the issue . Not sure if he did, as things did not change. We then involved the DOC who of course supported the coach and the manager. My son however felt the wrath of the parent and now the manager to an even greater extent. We left that team. We also had documentation of the events once things began to unravel. The team wanted their payments for the season ( this all occurred over the summer) as "fields were paid for and we signed a contract". Subsequently we took that club to small claims court and had our fees refunded . A bit of effort but the satisfaction of not being bullied by the team and removing my son from that environment was worth the effort. He ended up on a team with great parents and kids. So don't let the moving teams stop you.
The second was Kid to kid : my son was on a predominately Hispanic team and that bullying was completely racially motivated. He was new to an established team and different. We let the coach know what was being said to our son . The coach began to watch the team interactions. He addressed issues at the time they occurred. Bad behaviors stopped. My son is still friends with may of the kids on that team (years later) even though that team disbanded and those kids are all over the place now. We let my son know that he could talk to us and keep us updated on how he was doing. Things worked their way out. As an aside, many of those players did move together and get a new coach and that team has been cited on this forum for taunting the opposing teams and inappropriate side line behavior. ( a change in culture )
So I would say with that experience I would give the coach a chance to right his team. Document what is occurring ,because you do not know what the future will be , and give you child the tools to succeed and protect from harm. good luck
 
I had this issue with my young son. I told him that he needed to stand up for himself and talk back to the bully and possibly fight if he had to. We practiced some scenarios so he can verbally attack the bully. It worked. Probably not the best advice but it worked.

I also told him that it will not be his last time that he will confront a bully. I was bullied a lot when I was young (too fat). I just kept pushing back and got into some fights. The moment you fight back, the bullying stopped. They will focus on other kids that they can push around.

With girls, I am not sure what to do and hoping this doesn't happen to my 9 year girl.

Going to the coach is also the way to go but eventually your child might have this same experience in the future.
 
I had an issue with kids on my team (girls) a few years ago.
Both accused the other of bullying. They were both right. Two strong personalities that were friends one day and hated each other the next.
I talked it through with them. "You don't have to be best friends, but I'm not going to put up with this. I know you are in school together and I don't want to hear about any issues there either." It worked for a while.
I also met with both of the parents separately. They didn't seem to like each other very much either.
Eventually one of the girls left the team.
 
Keep the politics out of it. Both sides sound so stupid even bringing trump and obama into every life situation. So tired and dumb. Guy asked for no trolls but here they are.
Girls teams can have some mean girls (not old enough to call them b*tches but that is likely what they will be as evidenced by their mothers). Even at young ages and you can teach your kid to stand up to them, but it's very hard f your kid is quiet and the mean girls are the best players. The best strategy given was for your kid to make friends and isolate the bully. Had to teach my daughter to push back every time a bigger girl tried to hurt her in practice. When her friends saw my daughter fighting back and not backing down, they stuck up for her and embarrassed the girl so she finally stopped. I framed a picture for her that said, "a strong woman builds a firm foundation with the bricks people throw at her".
 
timbuck said:
I had an issue with kids on my team (girls) a few years ago.
Both accused the other of bullying. They were both right. Two strong personalities that were friends one day and hated each other the next.
I talked it through with them. "You don't have to be best friends, but I'm not going to put up with this. I know you are in school together and I don't want to hear about any issues there either." It worked for a while.
I also met with both of the parents separately. They didn't seem to like each other very much either.
Eventually one of the girls left the team.
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Not a huge deal but this is not "Bullying." The real issue of bullying has been watered down and expanded to include anything negative done by kids to each other. Bullying is generally understood to mean where a stronger kid (real or perceived) consistently taunts, harasses, threatens, or assaults a less strong (mentally or physically) kid, or the same is done by a group.

"Two strong personalities" ≠ "bullying."
 
"Two strong personalities" ≠ "bullying."[/QUOTE]

I think this is actually a really important point.

I watched my daughter integrate into a new team. She has a very strong personality and I watched her butt heads with a couple of the established alphas on the team. It certainly took a bit of time to get sorted out. They often went pretty hard at each other in practice, including a bit of trash talk, which led to some hurt feelings every now and then.

This is not directed at all to the op of this thread, but I certainly see how a less strong willed kid may not have been comfortable with the back and forth.

Good news is that once they hit the field for games it all washes away and they support each other. Off the field all 13 girls may not be besties, (there will always be social cliques, especially with girls) but they certainly respect each other, and that had to be earned.
 
Surf Zombie said:
"Two strong personalities" ≠ "bullying."
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I think this is actually a really important point.

I watched my daughter integrate into a new team. She has a very strong personality and I watched her butt heads with a couple of the established alphas on the team. It certainly took a bit of time to get sorted out. They often went pretty hard at each other in practice, including a bit of trash talk, which led to some hurt feelings every now and then.

This is not directed at all to the op of this thread, but I certainly see how a less strong willed kid may not have been comfortable with the back and forth.

Good news is that once they hit the field for games it all washes away and they support each other. Off the field all 13 girls may not be besties, (there will always be social cliques, especially with girls) but they certainly respect each other, and that had to be earned.[/QUOTE]



No offense but those sound like some not very nice girls. Like I said earlier I think a lot of parents used "strong willed" to make the bullying sound like it's not really bullying. I have strong willed kids but you will never see them trash talk a member of their team.
 
There was a time in this country when kids figured these things out among themselves.
Do you think things are better or worse now that the parents attempt to smooth things out?
Interested in what you people think.
 
Sounds like a nasty situation. Haven't read all the responses.

I'd first talk to the coach so you don't have to butt heads with another parent. I'd also talk to the kid and try to get him/her to stand up for himself/herself, because it's best if kids work it out on their own.

If that didn't work, or the experience is preventing your kid from having fun or killing your kids love for the game, switch teams.

I wouldn't get too worked up over kids acting like jerks or point fingers at their parents. Some kids are difficult personalities, some of them are frustrated because they're not getting the ball enough for their liking, maybe mom or dad is pissed the team is losing. Both you and your kid are going to have to learn to deal with this if your kid wants to play club soccer.
 
Have your kid read Jocko Willink's book "Way of the Warrior Kid"
If you witness the kids bullying your kid, a quick way to get the necessary attention is to LOUDLY put those kids on the spot and give them an earful, to the point where the coach and those kids parents have to address the situation in the moment. Have your kid defend himself verbally and physically.
If you can't do these things, quit competitive soccer. Its not for you or your son. Play AYSO.
 
Bernie Sanders said:
There was a time in this country when kids figured these things out among themselves.
Do you think things are better or worse now that the parents attempt to smooth things out?
Interested in what you people think.
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I remember at the age of 6, a 7 year old beat me up in the neighborhood. I ran home crying. My dad didn't run to the parents. He taught me how to fight. Possibly even how to fight dirty if I was feeling tting pummeled.
I'm not sure if it was better back then or now.
 
chargerfan said:
I agree. I have a family member that was bullied heavily as a child. Her parents never intervened and told her to work it out herself. Led to a depression and other issues. Children need an ally and an advocate.
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I agree 100% that parents should be allies and advocates.
I just am not sure if we should fight our kid's battles for them.

Your family member may have developed the same issues, had the parents decided to "protect" instead of taking the "do it yourself" route.
Its hard to say.
 
chargerfan said:
I agree. I have a family member that was bullied heavily as a child. Her parents never intervened and told her to work it out herself. Led to a depression and other issues. Children need an ally and an advocate.
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Crap. I didn't read that post right. I meant "better", not "worse"
 
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