Bullying on the team..... Need your input

Sane65

Sane65

BRONZE
I am putting this thread together for some sincere thoughts on how to handle a difficult situation. Please set aside the trolling for another thread.

Here's the situation:

My kid has been experiencing consistent, systematic bullying on his new very competitive club soccer team.
(It is a young age group, but these kids are old enough to know what they are doing is simply wrong.)
Approximately 3 kids on the team have been "taking turns" with name calling, teasing and blaming. BTW.... the ring leader is the team manager's kid and happens to be a very skilled good player. I have witnessed the name calling and teasing recently. The targeting happens when the coach is not around. I have to say I have multiple kids that play organized sports and I have never witnessed this kind of consistent bullying. My kid, who loves the game, loves to play, has now said he doesn't want to go to practice and doesn't care to be on the team anymore. Of course it is to the point that we are now forced and willing to address it with the coach, if necessary, leave the club, talk directly to the DOC etc. I am looking for similar experiences and how you have handled it? What actions did you take?

Were there positive results or did it just make things worse to have it addressed? Honest feedback please.
 
I think you have to address it. Not sure the age group, but whether they are little kids that need some adult direction or older kids that should clearly know better, you have to address the issue. If it were me, I would have a talk with the kid's parent(s), the team manager (which in this case is 1 in the same), and the coach. I would have specific instances ready to refer to so that I could be very clear as to the bullying the child is enduring. Parent/team manager may not be of assistance so I would see how the coach handles it. If the coach is unwilling or unable to get the behavior to stop I would have a backup plan with another club ready to go. Life is too short to endure this longer than necessary. If I moved my kid elsewhere I would let the club know why we made the move. Good luck, and I hope you can cure the problem with the current team.

PS Without getting into details my kid has had some issues that needed to be sorted through. There are too many clubs and too many teams to choose from for your kid to be unhappy.
 
I don't know what ages your're referring to but kids can be rough on each other.

I've seen this happen before, the more physically mature, longer standing players, starters making life difficult for some of the newer or other players for what ever reason. When it goes from Verbal to Relational and finally Physically Bulling where players go after each other in practice.

At first its best you see if you child can come up with ideas or strategies they think will help solve the problems. Helping them overcome and learn to be resilient will help them if they can come up with there own ideas?

That may not be enough so if it were my kids I would tell my player to talk with the coach before/after every practice until things improve or not? Coaches need to be role models, set the tone for players on the team and not tolerate any kind of bullying or teasing behavior. Coaches should work on character building as well as the sport and give your kid a fun and competitive experience.

If that doesn't work well after a certain amt of time, time for the parent(s) to step in and elevate the issue to the clubs Director's , the coach needs to set the tone if they are unable to might be time to ask for another coach IMO.
 
1. Is your son new on the team?
2. Did your son take a starting position from another player?
3. Can you eliminate racial issues?
4. Is your son overly aggressive (dirty) at practice?
5. Do you separate yourself from the other parents?
 
With all due respect avoid parents. Manager parent you will absolutely get no where with so just avoid all together .
Kids get 99 percent of their bad behavior from Mommy and Daddy. U14 and below 99 percent of what comes out of their mouths is parroting what their parents are saying in the car about another player on the way home. Rarely have I seen the bad kid with great parents. Rarely have I seen the bully teammate who didn't have a delusional, unrealistic, gossip mommy or daddy who thought she was the next Alex Morgan.
Delusional, jerk off parents usually have kids just like them.
DOC.
 
Striker17 said:
With all due respect avoid parents. Manager parent you will absolutely get no where with so just avoid all together .
Kids get 99 percent of their bad behavior from Mommy and Daddy. U14 and below 99 percent of what comes out of their mouths is parroting what their parents are saying in the car about another player on the way home. Rarely have I seen the bad kid with great parents. Rarely have I seen the bully teammate who didn't have a delusional, unrealistic, gossip mommy or daddy who thought she was the next Alex Morgan.
Delusional, jerk off parents usually have kids just like them.
DOC.
Click to expand...

Parents of children like that tend to make excuses for their child's behavior. He's "strong willed", "speaks his mind", or "too young to know better". Those parents also tend to blame others for their child's behavior, or say they need to "toughen up". I have heard it all when it comes to parents of bullies.

I wouldn't be surprised if the team manager just laughed off her son's behavior, or told you that somehow it's your son's fault. Go to the coach and the DOC. But I would have a backup plan because it's nearing the end of July.
 
First thing. If your kid no longer wants to go to practice, you are probably well past a tipping point of no return. If the bullying kids are just an expression / symptom of manager or coaches beliefs, your kid is never going to enjoy playing there. Probably better off finding another competitive club. You need to address it with the coach and the manager to make them aware of the reasons you are leaving the team. There are other good teams with good kids out there.
 
chargerfan said:
Parents of children like that tend to make excuses for their child's behavior. He's "strong willed", "speaks his mind", or "too young to know better". Those parents also tend to blame others for their child's behavior, or say they need to "toughen up". I have heard it all when it comes to parents of bullies.

I wouldn't be surprised if the team manager just laughed off her son's behavior, or told you that somehow it's your son's fault. Go to the coach and the DOC. But I would have a backup plan because it's nearing the end of July.
Click to expand...

You forgot "she just wants the ball sent directly to her feet"
"She's a high level player and doesn't like the way your daughter plays"
"I like the girls to handle things themselves it's part of growing up" ..
LOL I have witnessed it all. For the record mom of said child clearly had no control over daughter as evidenced by social media etc.
Remember its feel good Cali!

To put this into perspective I was at a boys sporting event last weekend. Coach yells at a player to "get the damn ball under control". Another player yells at player "yeah get the damn ball under control". Ref stops the game. Approaches coach and says enough you can't say that. Coach starts yelling back, then parents start yelling form the stands "since when is damn a cuss word" Ref has to come around and explain to parents that this is a youth sports event and he would prefer if we didn't yell at athletes and think the use of damn was appropriate.
I felt like I was in a fantasy land.
These are the values of our society now!
 
Sane65 said:
My kid has been experiencing consistent, systematic bullying on his new very competitive club soccer team................ Of course it is to the point that we are now forced and willing to address it with the coach, if necessary, leave the club, talk directly to the DOC etc. I am looking for similar experiences and how you have handled it? What actions did you take?

Were there positive results or did it just make things worse to have it addressed? Honest feedback please.
Click to expand...

Since you've asked HONEST feedback, you may not like the responses but here it goes....

- We've become too politically correct and overuse and overhype bullying in our society
- Kids are cruel in general - in every interaction, there are kids that get made fun of
- Parents are too quick to intervene and not let the kid work it out on their own
- Social clicks exist in every team sports (just as it does in society) at all ages and its just the way it is
- One can argue if these behaviors or environment is right or wrong but they exist and we all have to deal with them

Given these background, couple of questions need to be honestly answered by you and to yourself.
1) Why did you pick this team - your choice or your kid's?
2) Did you really expect "really competitive team" would welcome new player that either threatens their position/pecking order, or plays below their ability?
3) If so called bullying kids are called by their coach to stop, do you believe it will stop? Most likely outcome is it will get worse because your kid can't take it.
4) What are you and your kid prepared to do about it?

Our younger kid was being made fun of by group of kids that were already on the team from the previous season at U11. He's a sensitive kid and didn't like it. I told him to deal with it and if he couldn't, to let me know. I gave him some ideas to deal with the situation also. Told him that create a group friends within the team so that he was not alone. Also told him that fight fire with fire. When they picked on him, pick on them when they made mistakes but do it in such a way that it wasn't personal - point out what else they could have done instead. If any of them got physical, don't hold back and just take it. Hold you own ground and defend. My kid worked it out on his own. No it didn't solve overnight. It took months but things improved little by little and those kids that were making fun of my kid became more isolated on the team and they left.

I know many parents, especially the younger parents, would not agree with my approach and I get that. You see, I've been around long enough that the only way to get this type of behavior stopped is by isolate and make them irrelevant as well as earning their respect. These come in many ways but having the coach or parents try to settle it is not it.

If all else fails, it simply maybe a wrong fit for you and your kid on this particular team. There are plenty of very competitive teams out there....
 
Thank you to everyone. I asked for your input and I do value everyone's shares. The age group is young enough to need supervision and old enough to know better. We have encouraged and tried to give our kid the proper tools to handle this situation and people like this. "Life Skills" right? We have 4 kids that play competitive sports, so we recognize the difference between mental toughness/competitiveness and straight up bullying. The escalation of the bullying has been gradual over 3-4 months but we have reached a critical mass where gender, level of play, learned behaviors or race quite honestly do NOT matter. There is no excuse for the targeted behavior. Changes will absolutely happen and it will be initiated by us the parents, as we won't allow these incidents to happen anymore.
 
This is a super important topic and good you brought it up. It came to my
attention from a friend I told him what I'll tell you. Tell the coach.
Totally correct to keep the parents out of it, they are probably part of
the problem. As a manager I'd tell the coach immediately, but sometimes
managers are no better than those parents who are the problem. or they
themselves are part of the problem too. Speaking from personal experience,
it happens. When my DS was really, really young someone said something and
I mentioned it. Problem went away. He was young enough that he needed my
support. When my DS got a little older, there was someone bullying
everyone. My DS stuck up for herself and handled it, and stuck up for
others, and continually put that person in her place until the very end. In
another situation, one of my kids was accused, and I had to deal with it
from that end, which was troubling. Bottom line is, I can't see there ever
being a successful team when this is happening = a divided house eventually
falls, some faster than others. Those kids bring down the team, just like
they bring down a workplace or class setting or any other group. Any parent
who trolls this is part of the problem themselves. Some coaches just
straight out can not manage it, they aren't strong enough or smart enough.
 
Players who bully, blame, demean or disrespect their teammates are not good team players. Their parents are likely a-holes, or weak.

Any good coach will instantly know how to deal with this if brought to their attention.
 
Sane65 said:
Thank you to everyone. I asked for your input and I do value everyone's shares. The age group is young enough to need supervision and old enough to know better. We have encouraged and tried to give our kid the proper tools to handle this situation and people like this. "Life Skills" right? We have 4 kids that play competitive sports, so we recognize the difference between mental toughness/competitiveness and straight up bullying. The escalation of the bullying has been gradual over 3-4 months but we have reached a critical mass where gender, level of play, learned behaviors or race quite honestly do NOT matter. There is no excuse for the targeted behavior. Changes will absolutely happen and it will be initiated by us the parents, as we won't allow these incidents to happen anymore.
Click to expand...


Well, I'll share with you my experience growing up. I had the same thing happen to me in high school in the 9th grade (I was the keeper). My parents intervened with the coach who laid down the law with the other players but that only seemed to make the situation worse. They instead began to retaliate when the coach wasn't looking, and particularly because I was the keeper and was supposed to be one of the leaders of the team. A keeper whose defenders don't have their back will have a real hard time of it. And yes, I suspect there was a bit of a race element there. In any case, I wound up giving up soccer....not just because of this....other activities were beginning to crowd out soccer and I was making a run for the elite schools academically...but it was a factor in pushing me out. I'm not saying you shouldn't go to the coach...things might improve....I'm just saying you should have a backup plan because it could potentially make the situation worse. A lot of what mirage said is true....I wish I could give that comment 1000 likes.....we as parents like to think that we can fix everything for our kids and there are situations which we can and should try to help....but we also don't have the power to always solve their issues. Best of luck to you and I hope everything works out.
 
Thank you for all your concern and comments. I am not here to "fix" anything for anyone. I am here to make the right choice as a parent. Just like someone researches which school or club would be the right fit for their child. I want to clarify this is not fixing or solving a problem for my kid.... we now have an obligation as responsible adults to take action so that the emotional abuse stops.

That is precisely the reason I ask for concrete experiences. I tend to be analytical about these things and qualify/quantify so that we have options & choices in the matter.

It is my duty to show and role model to all of my children that abuse of any type is NOT ok. So let's be very clear here. Yes there are mean kids/people out there in this world and there are kind people as well, but by definition Bullying is a form of aggressive behavior in which someone intentionally and repeatedly causes another person injury or discomfort.
 
I would talk to the coach and DOC together. Leave the manager out of it. If changes are not made quickly, find another team or quit club and play futsal for a season.
 
If it is happening within the contexts of the team (practices, games etc...) go to the coach. Doesn't sound like the coach even knows about it, so give him/her the chance to solve the problem. A good coach will then sit down with the bullying kid and their parent and discuss the problem. If the coach is unwilling to fix it then go to the DOC or Club President. A coach unwilling to address the issue should be fired. And as others have said document as many instances as possible. Leaving for a different team may end up being the best option even after going through this but I think you need to try the coach first. It may be a fairly easy fix. If the teasing/bullying goes on outside of soccer (like at school) then you may have a bigger problem at hand. Good luck!!!!
 
Sane65 said:
............I tend to be analytical about these things and qualify/quantify so that we have options & choices in the matter.......
Click to expand...

While I appreciate your statements, you appear to have had your mind made up based on your second and third posts on this thread. As a non-involved forum contributor, it seems/comes across as that you are only seeking validation/rationalization to take predetermined action as a parent.

Qualitatively, both GraceT and myself pointed out that there are unintended consequence to your approach, regardless of how you may feel about what is or is not Bullying. It is not about setting example for your kids.

In your original post, the only evidence of discomfort (since there is no injury reported by you) is that you son doesn't want to goto practice or be on the team. This maybe due to many factors, including not only bullying but not having fun (which can be caused by many reasons), which on the forum like this is very difficult to quantify numerically what is contributing to the behavior.

All I'm saying is that we all sympathize with your dilemma and the situation, and completely understand the reaction wanting to protect your child and express your dissatisfaction/anger. That said, options exist how you go about moving forward now that you in this situation that is best for your child, from his perspective, on this team.
 
outside! said:
I would talk to the coach and DOC together. Leave the manager out of it. If changes are not made quickly, find another team or quit club and play futsal for a season.
Click to expand...
Leave the DOC out of it...if the coach can't change the environment what makes you think the DOC will. Is the DOC going to fire the coach? most likely not...DOC have too many things on their plates. What the child needs to do is confront the bully and find out what is their problem. Getting mommy involved is only making it worse for him...are you always going to step in every time he gets bullied in life? Or teach him best thing to do is quit and move on? You should talk to the coach... he should step aside and observe from a distance to see it for himself, confront them at the same time in order to get to the root cause of it. I have done that several time as a coach with girls and boys from Ulittles to high school players you be amaze what I hear when they confront each other. But at the end they resolve it because I have them work together as a team in everything making them realize that they need each other. If the coach can't resolve the bullying issues in his team then you might as well move on and hope you can find a new team soon.
 
Grace T. said:
Well, I'll share with you my experience growing up. I had the same thing happen to me in high school in the 9th grade (I was the keeper). My parents intervened with the coach who laid down the law with the other players but that only seemed to make the situation worse. They instead began to retaliate when the coach wasn't looking, and particularly because I was the keeper and was supposed to be one of the leaders of the team. A keeper whose defenders don't have their back will have a real hard time of it. And yes, I suspect there was a bit of a race element there. In any case, I wound up giving up soccer....not just because of this....other activities were beginning to crowd out soccer and I was making a run for the elite schools academically...but it was a factor in pushing me out. I'm not saying you shouldn't go to the coach...things might improve....I'm just saying you should have a backup plan because it could potentially make the situation worse. A lot of what mirage said is true....I wish I could give that comment 1000 likes.....we as parents like to think that we can fix everything for our kids and there are situations which we can and should try to help....but we also don't have the power to always solve their issues. Best of luck to you and I hope everything works out.
Click to expand...
A good coach would not "lay down the law" identifying the player as a tattle-tale. A good coach would not let players retaliate, notwithstanding that it was "when the coach wasn't looking."

Deadpoolscores describes some of the things a good coach would do.
 
Striker17 said:
You forgot "she just wants the ball sent directly to her feet"
"She's a high level player and doesn't like the way your daughter plays"
"I like the girls to handle things themselves it's part of growing up" ..
LOL I have witnessed it all. For the record mom of said child clearly had no control over daughter as evidenced by social media etc.
Remember its feel good Cali!

To put this into perspective I was at a boys sporting event last weekend. Coach yells at a player to "get the damn ball under control". Another player yells at player "yeah get the damn ball under control". Ref stops the game. Approaches coach and says enough you can't say that. Coach starts yelling back, then parents start yelling form the stands "since when is damn a cuss word" Ref has to come around and explain to parents that this is a youth sports event and he would prefer if we didn't yell at athletes and think the use of damn was appropriate.
I felt like I was in a fantasy land.
These are the values of our society now!
Click to expand...
im the type of ref that singles parents out for cuss words especially coaches...I dont condone it, damn could be seen as a symbolism for another word...fbomb comes to mind. Pretty sad if players are parroting the coach..keep in mind im 21 and hold fellow "adults" accountable. I dont put up with crap.

As for the bullying thing go straight to the coach, team parent shmarent can kiss my backside. They hold no weight on disciplinary issues. If your coach is having a hard time addressing it, you say this "hey coach, this problem aint going away, did you do your best? If your having a hard time I can get the DOC involved, or a higher position member" if all else fails, stop paying the greedy c***

There is too much bullying on teams, pretentious traits in people.
 
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