Leaf blowers! Uncle Sam wants you!
TRAVERSE CITY — As thick Canadian wildfire smoke settled over Northern Michigan this week, one local resident and self-appointed president of the Traverse City Leaf Blowers Association announced that enough is officially enough.
Standing confidently in his driveway beside a formidable lineup of gas-powered backpack blowers—and one token battery-powered unit owned by “the liberal on the block”—the man unveiled what he described as the most realistic wildfire prevention strategy to date.
“We’ve got ten dads with ten leaf blowers,” he explained, adjusting his sunglasses. “We’re just gonna head north and blow all the leaves out of Canada before next summer. If there ain’t no leaves, there ain’t no fire. I read on Facebook and seent it on TikTok that the communists in Canada don’t rake their forests. So we will. We’re gonna save lives for people who can’t breathe real good.”
According to the group, the operation will launch just north of Sault Ste. Marie before expanding to “wherever the trees are,” an expansive geographic area they estimate should take “maybe until lunchtime Saturday.”
While officials note that Canada contains millions of square miles of dense wilderness, association members insisted the public is dramatically overthinking the logistics.
“People keep saying it’s too big, you can’t do it,” another volunteer interjected, aggressively revving his throttle for emphasis. “That’s quitter talk. Have you ever seen what these things do to a wet maple leaf? Now imagine ten of us.”
The association has already begun assigning critical operational responsibilities. One member has been designated for premium beer procurement, while another is in charge of reminding everyone to properly tuck in their FUPAs. Two others have been assigned to bag duty.
Experts estimate Canada’s forests cover roughly 857 million acres, but the crew remains optimistic they can “make a pretty decent dent in it” before college football season kicks off.
“We’re not saying we’ll finish the whole country,” the president admitted. “But by the time we’re done, at least the first couple hundred acres are gonna look absolutely immaculate. Like a freshly mowed suburban cul-de-sac.”
At press time, Donald Trump was reportedly already posting on Truth Social about awarding the men Purple Hearts.
(I had to look up FUPA. It turns out that I could have just looked down)
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