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The Gospel According to Trump: Why Conservative Christians Love a Thrice-Married Casino Mogul
Here's the thing about American evangelical support for Donald Trump that makes absolutely no fucking sense until you realize it makes perfect sense: it was never actually about the values.
I know, I know. Shocking revelation from Captain Obvious over here.
But seriously, watching conservative Christians line up behind Trump is like watching vegetarians at a steakhouse explaining how this particular ribeye is actually made of tofu if you squint hard enough. The mental gymnastics would win Olympic gold if mental gymnastics were an Olympic sport, which they should be, because Americans would finally win something again.
Let's look at the resume, shall we? Trump's a guy who's been married three times, raw-dogged a porn star while his third wife was home with their newborn, bragged about grabbing women "by the pussy," ran casinos (gambling being traditionally frowned upon in Christian circles, last I checked), and when asked about his favorite Bible verse, looked like a kid who forgot to do his homework and just said "all of them." All of them. That's not even a good lie. That's a lazy lie.
This is a man who's demonstrated the Christian virtue of humility by literally putting his name in giant gold letters on everything he owns. Trump Tower. Trump Steaks. Trump University, which was less a university and more a multi-million dollar scam that settled a fraud lawsuit. Very "blessed are the meek" energy there.
And yet, white evangelicals voted for him at rates of nearly 80 percent. Twice. They looked at this thrice-married, porn-star-shagging, casino-running, "Two Corinthians"-saying golden calf of a man and said, "Yes, this is God's chosen vessel."
So what the hell is going on?
The uncomfortable truth is that the "Christian values" conservative voters claim to care about were always just the packaging. The product inside was something else entirely: power, cultural dominance, and a very specific vision of what America should look like, and more importantly, who it should be for.
Trump didn't win evangelicals despite being a walking violation of the Ten Commandments. He won them because he promised to give them what they actually wanted: conservative Supreme Court justices who'd overturn Roe v. Wade, a border wall to keep out the "wrong" immigrants, and most crucially, someone who'd tell them that they were the real victims in modern America.
See, Trump understood something that a lot of politicians missed: a huge chunk of conservative Christian voters weren't looking for a moral leader. They were looking for a weapon. They didn't want Jesus, they wanted Rambo. Or more accurately, they wanted someone who'd fight dirty on their behalf while they maintained plausible deniability about the whole thing.
It's the same reason mob bosses go to church. You can do whatever the fuck you want Monday through Saturday as long as you show up Sunday morning and put some money in the basket. Trump showed up, metaphorically speaking, said the magic words, "I'll appoint pro-life judges," and boom, he got a permission slip for everything else.
The "values" were always just tribal markers anyway. When evangelicals talk about "family values," they're not really talking about the sanctity of marriage or the importance of fidelity. If they were, they'd have lost their shit when Trump paid hush money to a porn star. Instead, they shrugged and said, "Well, nobody's perfect."
(Sidebar: "Nobody's perfect" is what you say when someone forgets your birthday, not when they systematically raw-dog their way through their third marriage while running for president. But sure, nobody's perfect.)
What they're actually talking about when they say "family values" is a social hierarchy where men lead, women follow, LGBTQ people stay in the closet, and everyone knows their place. Trump, despite being personally unable to spell "fidelity" without autocorrect, promised to protect that hierarchy. He promised to fight the culture war, and not with boring policy papers, but with insults, cruelty, and middle fingers to everyone they'd been taught to resent.
The brilliant thing Trump figured out, the thing that makes him such a successful con man, is that people don't actually care if you live by the rules. They care if you're on their team. Once you're on the team, they'll rationalize anything.
Paid off a porn star? "That was before he found Jesus!" (He never found Jesus, he can barely find his own ass with both hands and a map, but whatever.)
Multiple divorces? "God uses imperfect vessels!" (Though notably, they didn't extend this grace to Bill Clinton, but we'll get to that.)
Bragged about sexual assault? "Locker room talk!"
It's the same psychological mechanism that lets sports fans defend their team's players when they get arrested. Once someone's wearing your jersey, your brain starts working overtime to justify why they're actually the good guy and everyone else just doesn't understand.
The really galling part is the sheer hypocrisy of it all. These are the same people who spent the '90s clutching their pearls over Bill Clinton's affair, insisting that "character matters" and that we couldn't have an adulterer in the White House. Then Trump shows up with enough affairs and scandals to make Clinton look like a Tibetan monk, and suddenly character doesn't matter so much anymore. Suddenly it's all about "policy, not personality."
The truth is that Clinton's real sin wasn't adultery. It was being a Democrat. If he'd been a Republican promising conservative judges and immigration crackdowns, they'd have forgiven him faster than you can say "family values."
This isn't about religion. It's about power and identity politics, wrapped in a Jesus fish and sold with a side of fear about demographic change and cultural shifts. Trump promised to make America great again, but what he really promised was to turn back the clock to a time when straight white Christian men ran everything without anyone questioning it, when you could say whatever you wanted without consequences, and when America looked like a 1950s sitcom.
That's the product. The "Christian values" talk is just the marketing.
And here's the thing that should terrify anyone who gives a shit about actual Christian values, the kind that Jesus guy actually talked about: loving your neighbor, caring for the poor, welcoming the stranger, turning the other cheek, all that bleeding-heart stuff. By selling out their stated values for political power, conservative Christians have damaged their own credibility beyond repair.
Why the fuck would anyone take their moral pronouncements seriously now? They've already shown us that their principles are for sale, that their values apply only to their enemies, and that they'll worship a golden calf as long as it promises them Supreme Court seats.
They traded their moral authority for a wall that Mexico didn't pay for, tax cuts for the wealthy, and a Supreme Court that took away abortion rights. Maybe they think it was worth it. Maybe they're right.
But they should stop pretending it has anything to do with following Jesus. Because the Jesus I remember from Sunday school hung out with prostitutes and lepers, flipped tables when people turned his temple into a marketplace, and had some pretty harsh words for hypocrites who made a show of their religion while ignoring its core teachings.
That Jesus wouldn't have voted for Donald Trump. But then again, that Jesus wouldn't have voted for most of the people waving his name around like a battle flag either.
The conservative Christians who support Trump aren't following their stated values. They're following their tribe. And Trump, the least Christian person to seek the presidency since, I don't know, maybe ever, is perfectly happy to lead that tribe straight to hell as long as they keep chanting his name.
The values were always just the cover story. Power was always the point.
And that's the truth, whether MAGA Christians or anyone else wants to hear it.
Here's the thing about American evangelical support for Donald Trump that makes absolutely no fucking sense until you realize it makes perfect sense: it was never actually about the values.
I know, I know. Shocking revelation from Captain Obvious over here.
But seriously, watching conservative Christians line up behind Trump is like watching vegetarians at a steakhouse explaining how this particular ribeye is actually made of tofu if you squint hard enough. The mental gymnastics would win Olympic gold if mental gymnastics were an Olympic sport, which they should be, because Americans would finally win something again.
Let's look at the resume, shall we? Trump's a guy who's been married three times, raw-dogged a porn star while his third wife was home with their newborn, bragged about grabbing women "by the pussy," ran casinos (gambling being traditionally frowned upon in Christian circles, last I checked), and when asked about his favorite Bible verse, looked like a kid who forgot to do his homework and just said "all of them." All of them. That's not even a good lie. That's a lazy lie.
This is a man who's demonstrated the Christian virtue of humility by literally putting his name in giant gold letters on everything he owns. Trump Tower. Trump Steaks. Trump University, which was less a university and more a multi-million dollar scam that settled a fraud lawsuit. Very "blessed are the meek" energy there.
And yet, white evangelicals voted for him at rates of nearly 80 percent. Twice. They looked at this thrice-married, porn-star-shagging, casino-running, "Two Corinthians"-saying golden calf of a man and said, "Yes, this is God's chosen vessel."
So what the hell is going on?
The uncomfortable truth is that the "Christian values" conservative voters claim to care about were always just the packaging. The product inside was something else entirely: power, cultural dominance, and a very specific vision of what America should look like, and more importantly, who it should be for.
Trump didn't win evangelicals despite being a walking violation of the Ten Commandments. He won them because he promised to give them what they actually wanted: conservative Supreme Court justices who'd overturn Roe v. Wade, a border wall to keep out the "wrong" immigrants, and most crucially, someone who'd tell them that they were the real victims in modern America.
See, Trump understood something that a lot of politicians missed: a huge chunk of conservative Christian voters weren't looking for a moral leader. They were looking for a weapon. They didn't want Jesus, they wanted Rambo. Or more accurately, they wanted someone who'd fight dirty on their behalf while they maintained plausible deniability about the whole thing.
It's the same reason mob bosses go to church. You can do whatever the fuck you want Monday through Saturday as long as you show up Sunday morning and put some money in the basket. Trump showed up, metaphorically speaking, said the magic words, "I'll appoint pro-life judges," and boom, he got a permission slip for everything else.
The "values" were always just tribal markers anyway. When evangelicals talk about "family values," they're not really talking about the sanctity of marriage or the importance of fidelity. If they were, they'd have lost their shit when Trump paid hush money to a porn star. Instead, they shrugged and said, "Well, nobody's perfect."
(Sidebar: "Nobody's perfect" is what you say when someone forgets your birthday, not when they systematically raw-dog their way through their third marriage while running for president. But sure, nobody's perfect.)
What they're actually talking about when they say "family values" is a social hierarchy where men lead, women follow, LGBTQ people stay in the closet, and everyone knows their place. Trump, despite being personally unable to spell "fidelity" without autocorrect, promised to protect that hierarchy. He promised to fight the culture war, and not with boring policy papers, but with insults, cruelty, and middle fingers to everyone they'd been taught to resent.
The brilliant thing Trump figured out, the thing that makes him such a successful con man, is that people don't actually care if you live by the rules. They care if you're on their team. Once you're on the team, they'll rationalize anything.
Paid off a porn star? "That was before he found Jesus!" (He never found Jesus, he can barely find his own ass with both hands and a map, but whatever.)
Multiple divorces? "God uses imperfect vessels!" (Though notably, they didn't extend this grace to Bill Clinton, but we'll get to that.)
Bragged about sexual assault? "Locker room talk!"
It's the same psychological mechanism that lets sports fans defend their team's players when they get arrested. Once someone's wearing your jersey, your brain starts working overtime to justify why they're actually the good guy and everyone else just doesn't understand.
The really galling part is the sheer hypocrisy of it all. These are the same people who spent the '90s clutching their pearls over Bill Clinton's affair, insisting that "character matters" and that we couldn't have an adulterer in the White House. Then Trump shows up with enough affairs and scandals to make Clinton look like a Tibetan monk, and suddenly character doesn't matter so much anymore. Suddenly it's all about "policy, not personality."
The truth is that Clinton's real sin wasn't adultery. It was being a Democrat. If he'd been a Republican promising conservative judges and immigration crackdowns, they'd have forgiven him faster than you can say "family values."
This isn't about religion. It's about power and identity politics, wrapped in a Jesus fish and sold with a side of fear about demographic change and cultural shifts. Trump promised to make America great again, but what he really promised was to turn back the clock to a time when straight white Christian men ran everything without anyone questioning it, when you could say whatever you wanted without consequences, and when America looked like a 1950s sitcom.
That's the product. The "Christian values" talk is just the marketing.
And here's the thing that should terrify anyone who gives a shit about actual Christian values, the kind that Jesus guy actually talked about: loving your neighbor, caring for the poor, welcoming the stranger, turning the other cheek, all that bleeding-heart stuff. By selling out their stated values for political power, conservative Christians have damaged their own credibility beyond repair.
Why the fuck would anyone take their moral pronouncements seriously now? They've already shown us that their principles are for sale, that their values apply only to their enemies, and that they'll worship a golden calf as long as it promises them Supreme Court seats.
They traded their moral authority for a wall that Mexico didn't pay for, tax cuts for the wealthy, and a Supreme Court that took away abortion rights. Maybe they think it was worth it. Maybe they're right.
But they should stop pretending it has anything to do with following Jesus. Because the Jesus I remember from Sunday school hung out with prostitutes and lepers, flipped tables when people turned his temple into a marketplace, and had some pretty harsh words for hypocrites who made a show of their religion while ignoring its core teachings.
That Jesus wouldn't have voted for Donald Trump. But then again, that Jesus wouldn't have voted for most of the people waving his name around like a battle flag either.
The conservative Christians who support Trump aren't following their stated values. They're following their tribe. And Trump, the least Christian person to seek the presidency since, I don't know, maybe ever, is perfectly happy to lead that tribe straight to hell as long as they keep chanting his name.
The values were always just the cover story. Power was always the point.
And that's the truth, whether MAGA Christians or anyone else wants to hear it.
