That crazy soccer mom

L

Lou789

SILVER
I have been a long time lurker and have really learned a lot from the posts and comments on this board.

There has been an issue on my son’s team and I need advice on what to do and if this is normal or not.

My son is 8 plays on a flight 1 team of a pretty good club in the LA area. It’s the team’s third year together. They have great group of boys. Great group of parents and a phenomenal coach. Everything is amazing. My son is learning a lot and loves the team. Except for one HUGE problem.

There is another kid on the team who joined this year who has a mom that is how can I put it - out of her mind CRAZY and psychotic like I have never seen before.

Just a few of the reasons why she is crazy. She stands on the sidelines at practice and during games and is constantly saying really awful about two of the kids, is always complaining about her kid playing defense and how he should be a striker, she blames everyone else on the team when her son doesn’t score when he is striker (for ten minutes a game). This is all loud verbal comments everyone can hear. She plans team outings (to soccer games where kids walk out or to other soccer related events and calls them team outings) with only a few of the kids and tells the other parents not to tell everyone else (and of course they come tell everyone else because it’s so wrong). She plans secret games for her son to play and tells everyone not to tell the coach, and is constantly always all the time complaining about how bad the coach is. There is more but this is the gist.

I put up with it for 6 months since they joined but I have had enough. I can’t even come watch the practice anymore without having to listen to her. Going to games has become unbearable. I want my kid to leave this team because of her. She is awful negative energy.

Our coach has zero tolerance for things like this. But he has no clue she is doing and saying these things.

I have only been on one team so far with my son and roughly the same set of parents for close to 3 years. So I am fairly new to the club scene.

My questions to you all: is this normal? Is there a parent like this on every team? Am I crazy to think we can escape and get on a team not like this? Can I do anything? The other parents won’t say anything. Should I tell the coach? Won’t he think I’m crazy for complaining?
 
I have experienced toxic parents like this. I wouldn’t talk to the coach about it since it’ll just make things worse between you and this mom (and she will know you talked to the coach). Plus the coach should already know. I’m sure she had already talked to the coach to give him her feedback and so very helpful suggestions. I seriously doubt he has no clue. Show up to games close to starting time so you can see where she is and you can sit in another area. Don’t worry about sitting with your team. The players with these types of parents don’t tend to last past the 10-13 years stage.
 
It is not moral, proper, defensible, or in any way a truth that we'd all likely wish the world to be, but the reality of the situation when it comes to paid youth sports is this. If your kid is a standout on the team, and is integral to its success, the coach will listen very carefully to however much or however little you share with them, and value your guidance, and even requests, as such. If your kid doesn't make much of a difference on the team, or is even not seeing as much playtime as the others on the team, the coach is much less likely to weigh your opinions a whole bunch.

In other words, if your kid leaving the team would hurt it significantly, have whatever conversation you feel warranted with the coach. Tell them the lady's crazy, tell them exactly what you said here, and even state plainly that if she's not gone, you and your kid will be. It's pretty much a certainty your kid will remain on the team, and hers won't. If it's bad enough, it will happen mid-season, but certainly before offers go out for the next one. If her kid is awesome - what sometimes happens is the parent is banned from the field, can't come to games, etc. I'd think that would mean that the kid leaves the team pronto, but in some cases if the team is highly sought after, kids in that unfortunate situation have stayed on for a season or two even after the parent has been banned.

If the team loses your kid and it doesn't matter much in the scheme of things, it's probably not as wise to have the same conversation with the coach, as it's quite possible that you will be seen as the one stirring up drama, even if the other party is completely off their rocker. You have much less leverage, and the coach (and the DOC) will take any actions based less on who they believe is right and who they believe is wrong (or crazy), and more on which actions will just quiet the noise and drama the quickest.
 
It's common but there isn't one on every team. Personally, I would just confront her myself (in front of all the other parents) and be mentally prepared to rattle off a list of items including, "do you think all these parents know you badmouth their kids too?" If she's new and you're not, and you've been a good soldier thus far, you'll have instant credibility. If you aren't willing to do it, there's usually at least 1 parent that will... especially if you've been together 3 years. You might see if there's a parent that's had older kids go thru this process and you're on a team with their youngest kid. They're usually the calm ones that ignore this shit but they, too, eventually run out of tolerance and might be willing to lower the boom. That said, the coach you like deserves first right of refusal.

I agree with the others in that parents have probably already emailed the coach. And they're also right that these parents usually weed themselves out going somewhere else within a year or so, but don't leave the situation you seem to have because it sounds harmonious and that's more rare than these psychotic parents.
 
Slobodan said:
It's common but there isn't one on every team. Personally, I would just confront her myself (in front of all the other parents) and be mentally prepared to rattle off a list of items including, "do you think all these parents know you badmouth their kids too?" If she's new and you're not, and you've been a good soldier thus far, you'll have instant credibility. If you aren't willing to do it, there's usually at least 1 parent that will... especially if you've been together 3 years. You might see if there's a parent that's had older kids go thru this process and you're on a team with their youngest kid. They're usually the calm ones that ignore this shit but they, too, eventually run out of tolerance and might be willing to lower the boom. That said, the coach you like deserves first right of refusal.

I agree with the others in that parents have probably already emailed the coach. And they're also right that these parents usually weed themselves out going somewhere else within a year or so, but don't leave the situation you seem to have because it sounds harmonious and that's more rare than these psychotic parents.
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I know this is about crazy mama bear and I dealt with one. Called her out in private. What I didn't know was this lady had a very close relationship with coach and I'll just leave it at that. So be careful. My biggest psychotic moment was with a crazy father that was 6 3', 250 and I found out later he was on meth or crack. His eyes were always big and wide open and insane. He would coach from the sidelines and say so much crap. I took your advice and called him out in front of the parents and dude went ape💩 on me. He lost his mind and challenged me to a fight; I kid you not. This was at State Cup. I told coach were 100% not coming back. Papa bear called me and apologized and asked me to reconsider and I said, "no."
 
One thing I have learned from parents that have more years in club soccer is to be friendly but keep to yourself. Don’t get involved in all the drama. Things usually take care of themselves over time. Let other people confront her.
When your kid is the star player, you feel empowered to speak up. Resist that urge. Just mind your own business.
 
I don't know how all clubs operate (limited experience), but it seems to me that dealing with it would be primarily on the coach; that would be the case in my son's club, certainly. By extension, the coach implicitly defines the type of parental behavior which is acceptable for the team (which may vary from team to team). Sometimes this is explicit (via up-front meetings with all the parents, where expectations are laid out); sometimes this is dealt with on a case-by-case basis.

I know that in my case, the coach has had 1-1 conversations with parents (and kids) re behavior in games and such, and that would be the way it would be normally handled (ie: another parent would raise concern with the coach, the coach would discuss with one or more parents). Parents might raise the concerns directly if they are comfortable doing so, but as noted, ultimately the coach defines what is acceptable (explicitly or implicitly). If I wasn't happy with the outcome afterwards, I'd either ask for my kid to switch teams, or I'd switch clubs.
 
Many coaches hate dealing with parents and often defer to DOCs.

The thing that parents don't always understand is that coaches have "time" on their side. What I mean by that is once you've paid and you're on the hook it doesn't matter how responsive coaches are, you're not going anywhere. Imagine how much time coaches would spend addressing each and every parent issue 1on1. This is why if you can it's best to schedule a recurring (once a month) call with your coach and between calls write down all the things you'd like to discuss in the recurring call.
 
Lou789 said:
I have been a long time lurker and have really learned a lot from the posts and comments on this board.

There has been an issue on my son’s team and I need advice on what to do and if this is normal or not.

My son is 8 plays on a flight 1 team of a pretty good club in the LA area. It’s the team’s third year together. They have great group of boys. Great group of parents and a phenomenal coach. Everything is amazing. My son is learning a lot and loves the team. Except for one HUGE problem.

There is another kid on the team who joined this year who has a mom that is how can I put it - out of her mind CRAZY and psychotic like I have never seen before.

Just a few of the reasons why she is crazy. She stands on the sidelines at practice and during games and is constantly saying really awful about two of the kids, is always complaining about her kid playing defense and how he should be a striker, she blames everyone else on the team when her son doesn’t score when he is striker (for ten minutes a game). This is all loud verbal comments everyone can hear. She plans team outings (to soccer games where kids walk out or to other soccer related events and calls them team outings) with only a few of the kids and tells the other parents not to tell everyone else (and of course they come tell everyone else because it’s so wrong). She plans secret games for her son to play and tells everyone not to tell the coach, and is constantly always all the time complaining about how bad the coach is. There is more but this is the gist.

I put up with it for 6 months since they joined but I have had enough. I can’t even come watch the practice anymore without having to listen to her. Going to games has become unbearable. I want my kid to leave this team because of her. She is awful negative energy.

Our coach has zero tolerance for things like this. But he has no clue she is doing and saying these things.

I have only been on one team so far with my son and roughly the same set of parents for close to 3 years. So I am fairly new to the club scene.

My questions to you all: is this normal? Is there a parent like this on every team? Am I crazy to think we can escape and get on a team not like this? Can I do anything? The other parents won’t say anything. Should I tell the coach? Won’t he think I’m crazy for complaining?
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I can't believe the coach wouldn't know especially if you say the parent is being loud (8 year old fields are small) and is criticizing the coach (usually the first thing that gets back to them). It's a small world and people talk. One of several possibilities: the coach is really stretched out amongst his teams and yours simply isn't a priority so the coach doesn't have time to deal with it, the coach has some issue such as being unsure of himself or being highly introverted, the player is a golden boy which the coach can't do without, the coach has a long term plan for dealing with this parent and easing them out, or the parent is protected somehow (friends with the DOC, a manager, friends with a golden boy family etc....)

Jamisfoes said:
One thing I have learned from parents that have more years in club soccer is to be friendly but keep to yourself. Don’t get involved in all the drama. Things usually take care of themselves over time. Let other people confront her.
When your kid is the star player, you feel empowered to speak up. Resist that urge. Just mind your own business.
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The hardest lesson I learned when my kid was this small was that all the stuff about we're a "soccer family" is just blah blah marketing. Coaches/clubs will sell you out in a heartbeat. Other parents/players will throw you under the bus if they can get a leg up.
 
I've seen crazy parents, but the coach usually steps in.

Personally, I wouldn't say anything until you get to the point of "it's them or us". Then I would talk to the coach and say that she's driving away players. This is really the only thing that will get their attention. But only do that if you really are willing to leave.
 
focomoso said:
I've seen crazy parents, but the coach usually steps in.

Personally, I wouldn't say anything until you get to the point of "it's them or us". Then I would talk to the coach and say that she's driving away players. This is really the only thing that will get their attention. But only do that if you really are willing to leave.
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I don't agree with this advice, fwiw. I'm sure the efficacy varies per club, coach, etc., but I'd bring the concern to the coach earlier than the point where it's "them or us" for you. I wouldn't want to let something fester like that, when it might be able to be resolved earlier with some conversations with the parent in question, and you can at least get a sense of how the coach will deal with that situation before making a decision on your own kid's future.

It's accurate that the coach/club may not take any action (as you are the captive audience), but that only goes so far; I imagine that many clubs would have a lower tolerance for behavior which might impact renewals and/or talented kids staying in general, not to mention coaches who want to have a positive work environment. It doesn't seem to me like there's too much downside risk with at least expressing the concerns.
 
focomoso said:
Personally, I wouldn't say anything until you get to the point of "it's them or us". Then I would talk to the coach and say that she's driving away players. This is really the only thing that will get their attention. But only do that if you really are willing to leave.
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I tend to agree, but unfortunately if it gets to a point where you're fully considering having your player leave the team already due to this, choosing to bring it up and forcing their hand is probably a better outcome than just picking up and leaving without doing or saying anything.
 
Grace T. said:
I can't believe the coach wouldn't know especially if you say the parent is being loud (8 year old fields are small) and is criticizing the coach (usually the first thing that gets back to them). It's a small world and people talk. One of several possibilities: the coach is really stretched out amongst his teams and yours simply isn't a priority so the coach doesn't have time to deal with it, the coach has some issue such as being unsure of himself or being highly introverted, the player is a golden boy which the coach can't do without, the coach has a long term plan for dealing with this parent and easing them out, or the parent is protected somehow (friends with the DOC, a manager, friends with a golden boy family etc....)



The hardest lesson I learned when my kid was this small was that all the stuff about we're a "soccer family" is just blah blah marketing. Coaches/clubs will sell you out in a heartbeat. Other parents/players will throw you under the bus if they can get a leg up.
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"Come join our family" is BS. It's a cult in most places. I wanted to be a part of the soccer family, so I jumped in for all the "love." My back had so many knives in it Grace. This is a cutthroat competition and not a family and some parents do it really well. My problem I was too honest with my feelings about what I saw was ass kissing and extra pay for extra play and some sleeping with coach. Don't piss off the wrong mom or dad, trust me. At the end I just went to the corner and kept to myself. Good luck out their you guys.
 
sigmabody said:
It doesn't seem to me like there's too much downside risk with at least expressing the concerns.
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If it's a very competitive team, there are plenty of paying customers waiting in the wings for anyone to drop. There's huge disincentive to express any of these, or any other, concerns unless you are willing to walk and/or the club/team doesn't want your kid to walk.
 
I've known a few coaches, they all just want to go through the season without drama. They don't really want to deal with parents at all, good or bad. This coach has a toxic parent. I don't think adding to that by being a complaining parent (or more politely put, a parent who is bring issues to his attention), will help the situation at all.

When my kid switched teams, I made sure to sit back and observe parents from afar. I would only say a friendly hello to the non-dramatic ones. Only at the end of 2 years did I become friends with a handful. Don't become to entangled with the other parents or invested in the team. Your kid and other other kids will move/change teams.
 
Slobodan said:
It's common but there isn't one on every team. Personally, I would just confront her myself (in front of all the other parents) and be mentally prepared to rattle off a list of items including, "do you think all these parents know you badmouth their kids too?" If she's new and you're not, and you've been a good soldier thus far, you'll have instant credibility. If you aren't willing to do it, there's usually at least 1 parent that will... especially if you've been together 3 years. You might see if there's a parent that's had older kids go thru this process and you're on a team with their youngest kid. They're usually the calm ones that ignore this shit but they, too, eventually run out of tolerance and might be willing to lower the boom. That said, the coach you like deserves first right of refusal.

I agree with the others in that parents have probably already emailed the coach. And they're also right that these parents usually weed themselves out going somewhere else within a year or so, but don't leave the situation you seem to have because it sounds harmonious and that's more rare than these psychotic parents.
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I'm always for approaching the offender first whether its soccer, work, etc. You can attempt to tactfully tell her something to the effect that "I appreciate your passion, but if you're going to be critical of other kids, could you tone down the volume (aka keep it to yourself)." Maybe ask her how she would feel if you talked trash about her kid. As far as the outside games and events that is annoying, but I don't see that as a issue that really involves you. That is an issue between her and the coach. If she ignores your request then I'd take it to the coach.

As far as getting other parents to help, you can try, but most parents don't want to rock the boat. They're afraid that if their kid gets cut from a U9 team that their entire soccer "career" will be over.
 
You can't talk sense with crazy. Some of the stuff should just be ignored, e.g. planning outings or games with just some of the players. But she should be confronted with stuff where she crosses the line like yelling at other kids on team during games...that's a big no-no.
 
Get a video of the nasty shit she is saying about/to the kids on the sideline, then send it to soccerparentlife. Every parent in the SoCal Soccer scene will be shaming her in a week. Big serving of Karma should straighten her out. For sure the coach and club will take notice they are now in the spotlight and address the problem quickly.
 
Lou789 said:
if this is normal or not.
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Haha of course this isn't normal... it's not uncommon... but it's abnormal psychotic behavior... :D

Lou789 said:
She stands on the sidelines at practice and during games and is constantly saying really awful about two of the kids
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one cardinal rule in my mind - not just in youth soccer but in life - is to not talk about other people's kids negatively... people do it in private I'm sure but I think it's completely unacceptable to do it in public...

Lou789 said:
Our coach has zero tolerance for things like this. But he has no clue she is doing and saying these things.
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depending on how close you are with the coach, I would talk to the coach. If you don't feel comfortable, go to the team manager with another parent to back you up and have him or her talk to the coach. If the coach is reasonable, and it sounds like he is, he should address it.

How does he have no clue at all if she's yelling these things? Is she doing it on the sidelines just for the parents hear but not loud enough to reach the kids/coach on the field?

Lou789 said:
Am I crazy to think we can escape and get on a team not like this? Can I do anything? The other parents won’t say anything. Should I tell the coach? Won’t he think I’m crazy for complaining?
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There are crazies are you can surely find a team not like this. I've heard cases of the entire team (most of them anyway) leaving and joining another team/club... obviously a drastic option but it happens...

I think you should talk to the coach or at least get the TM to talk to the coach... again, depending on how friendly you are with the coach but seems reasonable to bring this kind of stuff up...

Good luck! And report back on what happens :p
 
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