Need advise...is this the end?
- Thread starter pitch_perf
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forksnbolts
SILVER
Goalkeeping is such a high stress position. Practice, private training, camps, etc. sometimes it seems like it is never ending. There is also loads of constant pressure on you to make all the right moves.
My advice would be: take the doctors recommended time off to let the body heal, at the same time the mind will get some time to think things out and heal as well.
P.S. the pressure from the coaches to be like De Gea 24/7 is a real thing. My nephew is constantly struggling with his confidence because he gets no praise from any of his club coaches for clutch saves, but the second a goal goes in they are on his butt for letting it in.
My advice would be: take the doctors recommended time off to let the body heal, at the same time the mind will get some time to think things out and heal as well.
P.S. the pressure from the coaches to be like De Gea 24/7 is a real thing. My nephew is constantly struggling with his confidence because he gets no praise from any of his club coaches for clutch saves, but the second a goal goes in they are on his butt for letting it in.
ChalkOnYourBoots
BRONZE
Anxiety is no joke. It doesn't usually lead to either of these statement. It causes something more like "I really want 'to want to' play (not a typo) and I can't figure out why it feels like my chest is about to explode." So removing yourself from the trigger often relieves the anxiety, but the real goal is to learn ways to manage it.
One way that may help manage it is for the person to learn that they have the power to turn off the anxiety by making their own decision about exposing themselves to that stimulus.
Just knowing that you are safe to pull the rip cord and remove yourself from the stimulus if it becomes too great is sometimes enough for someone to control the anxious feelings. It can be hard to talk about. I remember a day when my 12u son couldn't get out of the car to play a regular season baseball game. Most days he would live to play, but this day he was convinced he was having a heart attack. We ended up secretly watching from the outfield parking lot.
The next day we sat down with his coach to apologize for his absence and explain his situation. His coach's eyes got wide and he explained his wife also sometimes suffers from anxiety. He gave my son a signal that he could use at anytime to let his coach know when he just didn't feel right and his coach would get him off the field immediately, no matter what. Just knowing that he had the power to stop the feeling by giving his coach the signal was enough to get him back on the field... and in two years he has never felt the need to use the signal. Just knowing he had the control to stop the stimulus if it came back seems to have been enough to keep it at bay.
Obviously, we got lucky that the coach was knowledgeable and familiar. Most coaches won't have the experience or the
It sounds like your daughter needs a break, and hopefully that will give her a sense that she is in charge, which for some people is a really important part of managing anxiety.
Good luck!1
gauchosean
SILVER
My son was younger when he decided he didn't want to play anymore. Was an amazing keeper but I think the things he couldn't control stressed him out. Took up tennis and loved it, started too late to play D1 college but plans to club tennis in college. Spent way more time on academics and ended up getting a lot more money for grades than he would have ever gotten for soccer. He is happy and it all worked out. My suggestion is let her take the time off, heal up and see if she misses it.
pitch_perf
BRONZE
She was estatic when she committed this summer, and came back from the ID camp (2 weeks before the offer came) just in love with the coaches, program, college, and playing top of her game. She still loves all that, it's just soccer she isn't in love with. When things changed during HS season, she internalized the pressure of how she was feeling with the pressure of being committed and having a full ride scholarship at stake. And yes, we recently visited the college and the second she stepped on campus, she said this is the school for her, soccer or not. With her 4.2+ GPA, she can get academic $ hopefully, which will help. It just added to her stress knowing that as a family, we discussed shifting our finances to support the high costs of club soccer knowing she was on a scholarship path. It is impossible to keep kids in the dark about the financial obligations of both supporting the sport and planning for college. Yes, we likely made mistakes by making the finances of our family discussion. Blame that on us, but I don't know how many people would not mention the financial factor if the decision a 16 year old is making involves the price tag attached to a 4 year college education that needs to be reconsidered. That said, we have discussed options if that ends up to be the result and we are proud that she has the GPA, test scores, and work ethic to get scholarships. Thanks for your support.
pitch_perf
BRONZE
This is exactly why she is focusing on CBT and talking with a therapist about her anxiety. This is about more than soccer. It's about life...how she thinks, feels, processes and resolves stress is a life skill that she will face in every chapter of life: school, relationships, work, children, etc. She is focused now on how she feels about soccer, her body, and ability (and fear/anxiety about not being the 'best of the best' when she gets to college). Whatever happens, we are supporting her and giving her the tools to understand the root cause, be equipped with ways to handle it, so she is prepared for life. She is and has been the most stable, self motivated and responsible kid I know for her age. I appreciate your comments about giving her a way to feel in control. She is such a high achiever, I honestly think the fear of making mistakes, not being the 'best', or having 'the best' not come as easily as she is used to (as it is with pretty much everything in her life up to this point) is a fear factor for her and the crux of her anxiety. But that is for her therapist to figure out
But as someone on the board said, you have to cultivate passion. Happiness can be fleeting and situational, but joy is the expression of passion and present even when things are challenging. I want her to be joyful in all circumstances, not just when she is happy. Thank you for your support and best of luck to your son too!Definitelynotanotherref
SILVER ELITE
As someone who quit baseball and just aged out of soccer, I completely understand. I almost quit soccer too. It was getting to the point for both sports that the overly-competitiveness as I went up in level started to affect me mentally. I was a goalie too, so mental is a HUGE factor. It got to the point where I wasn't having as much fun making the saves and was rather, feeling pressured that if I didn't make the save or made a mistake, then my entire teams chances of moving up a division would be ruined. We were the 2nd place team with 3rd hot on our heels, so it got to the point where out of 10 games I realistically could not make a single mistake because our offense wasn't that amazing. It was exhausting, draining, and mostly unrealistic.2 weeks ago, DD dropped the bombshell that she is miserable, no longer loves soccer, and wants to quit. I'm seeking advise from the 'been there done that' folks on this board.
A few contributing factors...
She is a GK. She plays highest level soccer. She is 16. She has nagging injuries common to keepers, the current issue is 'playable' but can't recover or repair without rest. She has anxiety about games, which is a direct result of recent HS season and a team/coach that destroyed her confidence (team was much lower caliber and coach expected unrealistic things of her due to her high level of play/experience). Anxiety has caused physical and mental decline, which now is the filter through which she sees soccer. She is seeing a counselor (CBT therapy) and all her doctors (physical and mental) tell her she must take 2+ months off to get her body and mind in a better place before she make a permanent and life changing decision. She feels torn by her previous love and dedication to her sport, her team, her family, and the countless $ that have been invested in her, but is overwhelmed with her own feelings/fears/hurts/etc. Oh, and she has a verbal commitment with full ride scholarship to a D1 program in 2 years. She says her body won't last for 6 more years of soccer (2 club then college). There is truth in that - her current, injured, exhausted body can't. 5+ years of year round soccer with no break (1-2 weeks in summer maybe) have taken a toll. But 2 years can change a lot, right?
Any advise or experience in this type of situation? Is it possible, with therapy, rest, physical and mental recovery, time, and tremendous support, for her to get through this and get back in the net? I know the response is 'it depends on your kid'. Her happiness is our goal and if this ends up a permanent decision, we fully support it. But it is so hard stepping back while season continues and life changing course changes loom.
BTW, whatever happens, her college selection won't change. It is the perfect school for her - soccer or not.
Thanks for comments. I know sometimes posters on this forum are not always kind, so I respectfully ask for helpful responses
Long story short, I took a break, and then rejoined a lower level team. I did U19 rec my senior year and ended up re-finding my love for the game. It doesn't have to be rec, it could be low level Presidio, indoor, or something else. Something to take that monumental weight off of you for a bit. And then you will again get the competitive edge to join a team where all the weight is on you again once you have the confidence.
Sheriff Joe
DA
Every situation and every kid is different, mine wanted to quit last year and I made her finish the season, team went out of state and now she is very happy with her decision to stay. 16 year old girls might not always know what's best for themselves, that's why they have parents.
There's your answer. It's ok for her to walk, but YOU need to accept that yourself and then help her understand that. At her age and with these circumstances, this isn't "life changing", it's just another step in life.
She can always change her mind but let her make the decision and figure it out.
Not_that_Serious
GOLD
Teenager + Teenager Experience + Anxiety = Real Problem.
That whole take is dangerous. It dismisses a real medical condition. A condition that cause kids, now even at earlier ages, to kill themselves. This concept of "True Love" somehow being a guiding light through anything is illogical. Real life has an infinite amount of conditions that factor into how we function minute-by-minute - only takes a couple minutes of cloudy judgement to come to a dramatic, unhealthy conclusion. Most teenagers lack the experience to deal with certain stress (especially pressure of meeting expectations) and it is only compounded with mental/physical issues. I would 100% have her take a break. Most people try to rationalize the thoughts of child (or an adult) suffering from mental issues using their healthy brain - which is truly a disservice to that individual. Going to a counselor or a psychiatrist is a logical and responsible thing to do - it can also prove life-saving. Most people would not understand unless they have seen mental illness up close on a daily basis - or maybe do not have children of their own.
I dont know if you are just trying to be Old School, I fairly Old School as well, but this issue isn't binary as you propose.
Paul Spacey
SILVER ELITE
I'm not sure you needed to go down the "killing themselves" route but I understand the shock factor intention to make your point. You do make some good points that I'm not going to argue with. Fair play to you. My response was soccer-related, that's all. Your advice of "I would 100% have her take a break" was pretty much the advice I also gave btw, just to be clear.
As coaches, we have a massive responsibility to help our young players through tough times (like those described by the OP) and I personally spend a huge amount of time doing this with the 120+ individuals at my club. However (and this is very important), if someone doesn't truly 'love' playing soccer (and that love is cultivated over time), eventually they will drop out of the game, no matter how much money you invest, no matter how much you encourage them or no matter how many therapists you take them to.
The constant talk of time and money invested, which league is the best, bullshit 'Elite' clubs and competitions, College pathways, pressure to get a scholarship and all the rest of the broken-system crap I hear every day (and that kids have to listen to constantly)...is it really any wonder that they drop out in droves?!
Putting aside this specific case, based on what I have seen and heard for the past 5 years now, a huge number of people involved in club soccer (parents and coaches) could do with a massive dose of old school values. The kids we coach and parent will benefit from it.
vivamexico
BRONZE
Your daughter is lucky to have a father like you. The worst mistake parents can make their kid play. Yeah it's fine to ask why, to question them, but at age 15/16 the decision is theirs. I think any parent who forces their kid to play has never played the game has never played at a competitive level. And therapy is the best way to get them to a decision, because the parent is not in the room and the kid gets to decide for themselves. And, more importantly, if a parent is not allowing their kid to quit, it's because they can't see their life without their kid playing. So their own issues are clouding the situation. In 2 years if the kid goes off to school, is the parent going to remote control them or allow them to grow up? It doesn't matter what happens now, she's checked in, you're checked in. It's a loss to imagine your kid not playing, but whatever happens is ok as long as they get to make the decision.2 weeks ago, DD dropped the bombshell that she is miserable, no longer loves soccer, and wants to quit. I'm seeking advise from the 'been there done that' folks on this board.
A few contributing factors...
She is a GK. She plays highest level soccer. She is 16. She has nagging injuries common to keepers, the current issue is 'playable' but can't recover or repair without rest. She has anxiety about games, which is a direct result of recent HS season and a team/coach that destroyed her confidence (team was much lower caliber and coach expected unrealistic things of her due to her high level of play/experience). Anxiety has caused physical and mental decline, which now is the filter through which she sees soccer. She is seeing a counselor (CBT therapy) and all her doctors (physical and mental) tell her she must take 2+ months off to get her body and mind in a better place before she make a permanent and life changing decision. She feels torn by her previous love and dedication to her sport, her team, her family, and the countless $ that have been invested in her, but is overwhelmed with her own feelings/fears/hurts/etc. Oh, and she has a verbal commitment with full ride scholarship to a D1 program in 2 years. She says her body won't last for 6 more years of soccer (2 club then college). There is truth in that - her current, injured, exhausted body can't. 5+ years of year round soccer with no break (1-2 weeks in summer maybe) have taken a toll. But 2 years can change a lot, right?
Any advise or experience in this type of situation? Is it possible, with therapy, rest, physical and mental recovery, time, and tremendous support, for her to get through this and get back in the net? I know the response is 'it depends on your kid'. Her happiness is our goal and if this ends up a permanent decision, we fully support it. But it is so hard stepping back while season continues and life changing course changes loom.
BTW, whatever happens, her college selection won't change. It is the perfect school for her - soccer or not.
Thanks for comments. I know sometimes posters on this forum are not always kind, so I respectfully ask for helpful responses
Not_that_Serious
GOLD
It wasn’t for shock. I would have posted images if I wanted to do that. To me mental illness isn’t about talking points or a game. My oldest son just had his friend picked up two weeks ago after threatening to shoot the school up - not on the news because school district and police swept it under the rug. The kid told my son and other friends he felt this way due to the expectations placed on him. I’m old school but not inflexible. Yes, don’t let kids quit, work hard, no excuses but life isn’t a hardline in the sand. Some expectations are not realistic - as my son’s friend had to have straight As only, no minuses, after school studying, music and had food taken away as punishment. My friend’s kid’s best friend just hung himself last month - that was on the news. Kid was erratic, had mental issues, which he tried to have admins/parents help with but they cared more to sweep it under the rug and ignore the kid had issues. That kid also made terrorist threats, but never reported on the news. These kids will not only hurt themselves but often threaten to hurt others. I have kids with mental issues - anxiety and nervousness often can cause them to lash out. Over the last 6 years, after experience with my own kids I notice a lot of kids playing with mental issues that are ignored by their parents. These kids usually tend to drop out of soccer sooner since their attention span is limited. Yes, usually parents aren’t helpful. Could be they are ignorant to their child’s condition or they plain want to ignore it. One problematic child’s parent once told me they knew their child had “some issues” but still up to the coach to improve them. Insane. Most people don’t have the experience to handle these kids and a mistake to treat them like other kids. On a human level, I’d hope most people/coaches would want to help these kids, but some do have the mentality that its not part of what they get paid for. The responsibility is on the parent but coaches need to improve awareness. It isn’t simple.
I agree money and time shouldn’t be a consideration. Extreme expectations need to be tempered. Parents posting about their kids mental issues can take a lot of effort. It also means they really are looking for solid support/advice and it’s been weighing on their minds.
I agree money and time shouldn’t be a consideration. Extreme expectations need to be tempered. Parents posting about their kids mental issues can take a lot of effort. It also means they really are looking for solid support/advice and it’s been weighing on their minds.
Paul Spacey
SILVER ELITE
Very good points again and I appreciate your perspective given your experiences you describe. Nobody looking for help should be ignored, we can all agree on that.
Simisoccerfan
PREMIER
My dd had the dreaded I am going to quite discussion with us when she was 16. She felt this way for several months. We told her to take her time on making such a decision and we would support her regardless. Meanwhile she moved clubs and teams and found a group of girls that she loves. This rekindled her passion for soccer. Suddenly she would go on the rare off day of practice and shoot with her teammates. And her level of play increased exponentially. Now she is fighting with all of her heart to recover from her ACL surgery. It would be easy to quite but there is no quite in her now. Word of advice, things constantly change with 16 year olds.
Supermodel56
SILVER ELITE
2 weeks ago, DD dropped the bombshell that she is miserable, no longer loves soccer, and wants to quit. I'm seeking advise from the 'been there done that' folks on this board.
A few contributing factors...
She is a GK. She plays highest level soccer. She is 16. She has nagging injuries common to keepers, the current issue is 'playable' but can't recover or repair without rest. She has anxiety about games, which is a direct result of recent HS season and a team/coach that destroyed her confidence (team was much lower caliber and coach expected unrealistic things of her due to her high level of play/experience). Anxiety has caused physical and mental decline, which now is the filter through which she sees soccer. She is seeing a counselor (CBT therapy) and all her doctors (physical and mental) tell her she must take 2+ months off to get her body and mind in a better place before she make a permanent and life changing decision. She feels torn by her previous love and dedication to her sport, her team, her family, and the countless $ that have been invested in her, but is overwhelmed with her own feelings/fears/hurts/etc. Oh, and she has a verbal commitment with full ride scholarship to a D1 program in 2 years. She says her body won't last for 6 more years of soccer (2 club then college). There is truth in that - her current, injured, exhausted body can't. 5+ years of year round soccer with no break (1-2 weeks in summer maybe) have taken a toll. But 2 years can change a lot, right?
Any advise or experience in this type of situation? Is it possible, with therapy, rest, physical and mental recovery, time, and tremendous support, for her to get through this and get back in the net? I know the response is 'it depends on your kid'. Her happiness is our goal and if this ends up a permanent decision, we fully support it. But it is so hard stepping back while season continues and life changing course changes loom.
BTW, whatever happens, her college selection won't change. It is the perfect school for her - soccer or not.
Thanks for comments. I know sometimes posters on this forum are not always kind, so I respectfully ask for helpful responses
It really sounds like she just needs a break. The pressure she feels is likely coming from multiple sources - including herself - and even if not verbally from her parents, kids know your expectations and/hopes and can sense it. It frankly can be very stress inducing and overwhelming.
I recently saw this video on Kobe Bryant where in his first appearance at the McDonalds All star camp he did absolutely horrible, scored zero pts, etc... at the end of the game, he said his dad came up to him, put his arm around and just said, “ya know, whether you score 60 or zero, I still love you the same.” Nothing else. He said that really set the foundation for him... and from there on instead of being driven by outside pressure to perform, he was driven by internal desire to be the best.
The difference is, she needs to get to a point where she’s out there because she wants to be the best player she can be and stop giving a shit what anyone else has to say - including her high school coach. It’s a level of confidence and security that she’s loved/accepted no matter what that frees her to be herself and make mistakes, but also play fearlessly and without anxiety - that’s when you play your best.
And that’s where you come in... I can tell in the tone of your OP that you’re anxious about where this is going to end up, what about her commits, how much has been invested... there’s a lot of anxiety you have as a parent (naturally so) - and I can also tell you’re doing your best to be positive and supportive. but you need to be the rock and put your game face on to model what confidence looks like - and believe it yourself that all will be ok. She needs to know that you know no matter how she plays/if she plays, everything is going to be fine. If she loses the scholarship, everything will be ok. If ends up at a different school, everything will be ok. And it will.
So let her take a break if she needs - not just for the sake of taking a break, but so she can realize that everything will be ok if she does. Don’t position it as if you take a break that’s the end all be all - even if she ends up not getting to play HS anymore because the coach is a jackass, she can still play club somewhere next year. It will help remove a huge weight off her shoulders and the side benefit is you’ll be surprised how much faster her body will heal from the reduced stress.
pitch_perf
BRONZE
Thank you for your great post. You hit the nail on the head in every respect...she is an over achiever in every way - since she was little she succeeded in everything she did with little effort - music, academics, sports, friendships, etc. What has happened over the past few months is an internal switch where she is become more concerned with how what she does (or how successful she is) is perceived by others. The comments I've been hearing ("I'm going to have to work for a starting spot (on the college team) because they brought in another keeper who is better", or "I am a slow runner and I don't know if I can even pass all the D1 physical tests") reveal to me that her fears and doubts about the future are impacting her current physical and mental capabilities. Those thoughts are driving her decisions and will be Until/If/When she decides the end goal is worth the fight. As you said SHE has to want to be the best and not worry about what others say. Although soccer (being a gk) has been the most tangible example, she has also said she worries about "letting others down" - even "minor" things like backing out of a baby sitting job (because she was sick) or having to change plans with a friend due to a schedule conflict and the friend getting upset. I honestly think she is working through how her sense of responsibility is being prioritized based on how others will feel rather than by doing what is best for herself/what she knows is right.
Being a teenager is so hard - I could never have managed the expectations and demands she is facing. She has told me so many examples of kids with similar pressures that are making bad choices (drinking, smoking, etc.) and still wearing the mask of 'having it all together'. I'm proud of the courage it took for her to talk about her anxiety and making hard choices to prioritize her health and well being - even though it is really, really hard to take a break from soccer (I'll be honest, more for me right now just knowing it means she is missing so much both as a teammate but also in staying engaged in the game). But that's what she needs to get mentally and physically healthy. You are right - for me, the anxiety is not knowing if she will come out of this break ready and willing to give it another shot, or if she is ready to hang up her cleats permanently. She is done with high school soccer - that's a no brainer. Her club team is awesome - and they all support her unconditionally (a couple wish they could do what she is doing but they aren't committed yet so this is 'their time' to shine). The club directors are the ones who encouraged her to take a break (coach gets it too, but he doesn't get the mental anxiety part).
She WILL be OK and we will support her whatever happens - she absolutely knows that. She is 100% sure the college she is verbally committed to is her college of choice - it is the perfect fit academically, spiritually (it's a Christian university) and athletically. I just hope that she is able to overcome the doubts and mental 'done-ness' she feels right now and be open to seeing the long term benefits of working through the challenges, getting stronger physically and mentally, and accepting that there are so many benefits of playing college sports that will enhance her college experience. Thank you so much for your post - it really helped me feel better