FrankoRunner99
BRONZE
Alright, buckle the fuck up, cause I’ve been bottling this shit in for days, and I need to fucking SPEAK. High school soccer tryouts are the most miserable, brain-dead, soul-crushing experience ever invented by humanity. I don’t even know how to summarize the complete shitstorm I just lived through this beautiful month of November, but here we fucking go.
First off, TRYOUTS SUCK ASS.
Like, genuinely, what the actual fuck is the point of putting us through five goddamn days of HELL just to decide who gets cut? They make you run until you’re puking (love that SoCal heat, right?), yell at you like you’re some unpaid ball-shagging intern, and then casually post a shitty wrinkled piece of paper in the locker room, listing the chosen ones. Or worse, they put it on their fancy-ass Instagram account like they’re some fucking Real Madrid academy or some Premium shit. Bro, we’re not pros. We’re 15-year-olds with raging acne and bad attitudes.
Let me tell you what happened: I just got CUT. Not "Oh, maybe you’ll make JV" cut. I mean "Didn’t make it onto ANY team, not even the landfill-tier Fresh/Soph squad that exists just so the varsity coaches don’t feel bad about axing half the school." It’s like they looked at me, shrugged, and decided we were barely worth the paper they used to print the shitty, wrinkled tryout results. My name? Not on the paper. Not on the polished, Instagram post list with some edgy Kendrick Lamar soundtrack either. Not even on the “you suck but here’s JV or the freshman/sophomore trash team” roster. Nope. My ass got kicked out with the rest of the “plebs,” like we’re dogshit they stepped on. And the best part? No explanation. Don’t think you can ask for feedback. OH NO !!!!! That’s like pulling teeth. You have to go BEG the coach to tell you why you didn’t make it, like he’s doing YOU a favor. “Oh, we just felt like you didn’t stand out enough.” Yeah, no shit, Coach Clipboard, because your beloved Varsity Darlings™ didn't pass your precious Nike Flight Premier League Team Academy™ balls like they'd get straight up executed if they did.
The Varsity Boys™ Are Pre-Selected GODS.
Here’s the kicker: TRYOUTS DON’T EVEN MATTER. Yeah, you heard me. That Varsity squad? PRE-FUCKING-MADE. All those little darlings from last year? They automatically make Varsity again. It doesn’t matter if they were lazy or played like shit during tryouts—they’re in. Coach Clipboard literally said there's like 5 FUCKING SPOTS available on Varsity BEFORE FUCKING DAY 1 OF TRYOUTS STARTED. They automatically get a pass. Why? Oh, because they’re club kids or academy babies. The coach SOMEHOW, already knows them from those clubs. The system is rigged as shit, and we all fucking know it.
Meanwhile, us regular dudes? We’re treated like unpaid extras in a bad sports movie. We’re out here running suicides in 90-degree heat, praying the coach will notice us. Guess what? They fucking DON'T. They’re too busy joking around with their Varsity favorites, high-fiving them and clapping them on the back like they're gonna grab beers after practice or some shit.
The Tryout Experience is Straight-Up TORTURE. It’s 2 hours of hell every day for a week. I got treated like garbage after five days of killing myself out there. Wanna touch the ball? Ha, good luck with that. Those Varsity assholes won’t pass to you because “who the fuck is this kid?”
You can scream “BALL, BALL, BALL” all you want. You can yell “SEND ME” till your throat bleeds. No one gives a shit. And when you finally get the ball? Oh, sorry, the coach didn’t see that play because he was too busy licking the cleats of some MLS Next Academy bastard.
The thing is, yeah, these club kids are good. I’ll give them that. You’d be good too if your parents shelled out $1,000 a month for you to get coached by some mysterious "Elite Coach" who "almost made it pro" in Spain. It actually costs a FUCKING BALLSACK to play on those "Elite" clubs. But the system is RIGGED. The coaches KNOW these kids from clubs because they’re in this weird little soccer mafia together—some shady Illuminati shit in the area where the Varsity coaches keep their precious weird ass connections with the club coaches all tight and buddy-buddy, trading players like they're fucking slaves in the Confederate states 160 years ago.
"You know Eduardo from Premier West Coast LASC Gold League ECNL Tier 1 MLS Next !? He's definitely VARSITY MATERIAL !!!!"
You’re not in a club? Guess what? You’re invisible. You don’t exist. You play AYSO or, God forbid, you’re just a kid who loves soccer and practices at the park? LOL. You’re a joke to this team ! They give you those dead blank stares like you're a fucking leper. It’s not about skill; it’s about politics.
Let me tell you something about these Varsity assholes. They act like they’re hot shit because they made the team last year. Newsflash, you arrogant little pieces of shit: YOU ARE NOT GOING PRO. You’re not even going D1. You’re gonna play at some NAIA school in Nebraska, blow out your ACL sophomore year, and end up selling congealed pizza at Albertsons. Fucking NONE of us are going pro. We're just a bunch of awkward teenagers, and maybe two of us MAX will play D3 soccer in college and warm the fucking bench before we blow up our ACLs and realize we peaked in high school. No one's getting scouted here. But hey, keep posting your stupid goal clips from LASC scrimmages on Instagram like you’re fucking Cavan Sullivan (don't get me started on that overrated bastard with an ego bigger than R9's stomach).
And don’t think I forgot about JV and the Freshman/Sophomore teams. JV is the undershit reserve filler fat just in case one of the Varsity Princes™ blows up his ankle on their pristine turf field during a game. And Fresh/Soph is just a daycare with soccer balls. It’s where dreams go to die on the shit grass field that smells like regret and dogshit piles. “But they're developmental teams!” Shut the fuck up. They're pity teams.
Final Thoughts (or Whatever):
FUCK TRYOUTS. Fuck this perverted gate-keeping darwinistic system. Fuck the Varsity-Club-Academy circle-jerk. And fuck those OVERPRICED, douchebag clubs that force you to PAY the GDP of a FUCKING MICRONATION to play in their fancy ass "PREMIUM !!!" league for a 3 months season. I’m not salty—I’m fucking FURIOUS. High school soccer is a corrupt, rigged, elitist, flaming pile of spirit-crushing SHITSHOW that sucks all the joy out of the game. And you know what? I’m done. I'm FUCKING DONE. I’ll stick to Sunday league games where the only drama is who brings the orange slices.
If you read this whole rant, congrats. You probably just wasted 10 minutes of your life, but hey, at least I feel better now. Thanks for coming to my TED Talk.
First off, TRYOUTS SUCK ASS.
Like, genuinely, what the actual fuck is the point of putting us through five goddamn days of HELL just to decide who gets cut? They make you run until you’re puking (love that SoCal heat, right?), yell at you like you’re some unpaid ball-shagging intern, and then casually post a shitty wrinkled piece of paper in the locker room, listing the chosen ones. Or worse, they put it on their fancy-ass Instagram account like they’re some fucking Real Madrid academy or some Premium shit. Bro, we’re not pros. We’re 15-year-olds with raging acne and bad attitudes.
Let me tell you what happened: I just got CUT. Not "Oh, maybe you’ll make JV" cut. I mean "Didn’t make it onto ANY team, not even the landfill-tier Fresh/Soph squad that exists just so the varsity coaches don’t feel bad about axing half the school." It’s like they looked at me, shrugged, and decided we were barely worth the paper they used to print the shitty, wrinkled tryout results. My name? Not on the paper. Not on the polished, Instagram post list with some edgy Kendrick Lamar soundtrack either. Not even on the “you suck but here’s JV or the freshman/sophomore trash team” roster. Nope. My ass got kicked out with the rest of the “plebs,” like we’re dogshit they stepped on. And the best part? No explanation. Don’t think you can ask for feedback. OH NO !!!!! That’s like pulling teeth. You have to go BEG the coach to tell you why you didn’t make it, like he’s doing YOU a favor. “Oh, we just felt like you didn’t stand out enough.” Yeah, no shit, Coach Clipboard, because your beloved Varsity Darlings™ didn't pass your precious Nike Flight Premier League Team Academy™ balls like they'd get straight up executed if they did.
The Varsity Boys™ Are Pre-Selected GODS.
Here’s the kicker: TRYOUTS DON’T EVEN MATTER. Yeah, you heard me. That Varsity squad? PRE-FUCKING-MADE. All those little darlings from last year? They automatically make Varsity again. It doesn’t matter if they were lazy or played like shit during tryouts—they’re in. Coach Clipboard literally said there's like 5 FUCKING SPOTS available on Varsity BEFORE FUCKING DAY 1 OF TRYOUTS STARTED. They automatically get a pass. Why? Oh, because they’re club kids or academy babies. The coach SOMEHOW, already knows them from those clubs. The system is rigged as shit, and we all fucking know it.
Meanwhile, us regular dudes? We’re treated like unpaid extras in a bad sports movie. We’re out here running suicides in 90-degree heat, praying the coach will notice us. Guess what? They fucking DON'T. They’re too busy joking around with their Varsity favorites, high-fiving them and clapping them on the back like they're gonna grab beers after practice or some shit.
The Tryout Experience is Straight-Up TORTURE. It’s 2 hours of hell every day for a week. I got treated like garbage after five days of killing myself out there. Wanna touch the ball? Ha, good luck with that. Those Varsity assholes won’t pass to you because “who the fuck is this kid?”
You can scream “BALL, BALL, BALL” all you want. You can yell “SEND ME” till your throat bleeds. No one gives a shit. And when you finally get the ball? Oh, sorry, the coach didn’t see that play because he was too busy licking the cleats of some MLS Next Academy bastard.
The thing is, yeah, these club kids are good. I’ll give them that. You’d be good too if your parents shelled out $1,000 a month for you to get coached by some mysterious "Elite Coach" who "almost made it pro" in Spain. It actually costs a FUCKING BALLSACK to play on those "Elite" clubs. But the system is RIGGED. The coaches KNOW these kids from clubs because they’re in this weird little soccer mafia together—some shady Illuminati shit in the area where the Varsity coaches keep their precious weird ass connections with the club coaches all tight and buddy-buddy, trading players like they're fucking slaves in the Confederate states 160 years ago.
"You know Eduardo from Premier West Coast LASC Gold League ECNL Tier 1 MLS Next !? He's definitely VARSITY MATERIAL !!!!"
You’re not in a club? Guess what? You’re invisible. You don’t exist. You play AYSO or, God forbid, you’re just a kid who loves soccer and practices at the park? LOL. You’re a joke to this team ! They give you those dead blank stares like you're a fucking leper. It’s not about skill; it’s about politics.
Let me tell you something about these Varsity assholes. They act like they’re hot shit because they made the team last year. Newsflash, you arrogant little pieces of shit: YOU ARE NOT GOING PRO. You’re not even going D1. You’re gonna play at some NAIA school in Nebraska, blow out your ACL sophomore year, and end up selling congealed pizza at Albertsons. Fucking NONE of us are going pro. We're just a bunch of awkward teenagers, and maybe two of us MAX will play D3 soccer in college and warm the fucking bench before we blow up our ACLs and realize we peaked in high school. No one's getting scouted here. But hey, keep posting your stupid goal clips from LASC scrimmages on Instagram like you’re fucking Cavan Sullivan (don't get me started on that overrated bastard with an ego bigger than R9's stomach).
And don’t think I forgot about JV and the Freshman/Sophomore teams. JV is the undershit reserve filler fat just in case one of the Varsity Princes™ blows up his ankle on their pristine turf field during a game. And Fresh/Soph is just a daycare with soccer balls. It’s where dreams go to die on the shit grass field that smells like regret and dogshit piles. “But they're developmental teams!” Shut the fuck up. They're pity teams.
Final Thoughts (or Whatever):
FUCK TRYOUTS. Fuck this perverted gate-keeping darwinistic system. Fuck the Varsity-Club-Academy circle-jerk. And fuck those OVERPRICED, douchebag clubs that force you to PAY the GDP of a FUCKING MICRONATION to play in their fancy ass "PREMIUM !!!" league for a 3 months season. I’m not salty—I’m fucking FURIOUS. High school soccer is a corrupt, rigged, elitist, flaming pile of spirit-crushing SHITSHOW that sucks all the joy out of the game. And you know what? I’m done. I'm FUCKING DONE. I’ll stick to Sunday league games where the only drama is who brings the orange slices.
If you read this whole rant, congrats. You probably just wasted 10 minutes of your life, but hey, at least I feel better now. Thanks for coming to my TED Talk.
