Should I Get Involved in My Daughter’s Never-Ending Soccer Team Drama?

Cannot read the article as it is paywalled but based upon the first paragraph...it feels like a disgruntled parent complaining about a coach who is trying to be more competitive. How I feel about it would depend on how the team has done in the past and what the expectation of the parents/players are for the team.

If it is meant to be a "casual" club team...I can understand the parent's complaint but if it meant to be a semi-competitive team...I am not sure what the problem is. Even my son's u-10 team are starting to play "regulars" and more regular positions.
 
Non paywall: https://archive.is/nLXBa

By U16? Almost all involvement by the mom at this point would be unnecessary, unhelpful, or both. Either the kid is good enough to get the expected playing time, or they're not. They can work on their skills, they can make themselves more valuable to the team in the eyes of the coach, and they always have the choice to not play. If the old coach was really of the "equal playing time" all the way up through U16, it sounds like it wasn't a terribly competitive environment in the first place. If she's not enjoying it, there are almost certainly other options.
 
Just read the article.

Sounds like poor coaching / leadership. If the team isn't winning and the drama is over the top, players are reflecting the impact their coach is having on the team. I'd also bet that some parents are grouping up and instigating the drama in an effort to bring what they view as stability to the team.

When teams are winning players and parents don't have as many issues with playing time. Theres still issues it's just not as bad as when the team is losing. Because when the team is losing players that aren't getting minutes feel justified in addressing with the coach. Which may or may not be reasonable.
 
I have twelve seasons of team mgr experience across two teams. In every situation where a parent becomes too involved it always backfires and hurts the player. The coach will tolerate it if the kid is a stud. The coach will look to cut the player if the kid is not.

Parents think they are advocating for their kid but don't realize that they're just becoming a pain. And sadly the kid is the one who ends up suffering the consequences.
 
rainbow_unicorn said:
I have twelve seasons of team mgr experience across two teams. In every situation where a parent becomes too involved it always backfires and hurts the player. The coach will tolerate it if the kid is a stud. The coach will look to cut the player if the kid is not.

Parents think they are advocating for their kid but don't realize that they're just becoming a pain. And sadly the kid is the one who ends up suffering the consequences.
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The team manager perspective is a unique one, so it is important to note that the answer actually depends on the issues faced by the child and team dynamics/politics. The team manager is usually the parent of a superstar player or the parent who is "all in" for the club for whatever reason. Nothing wrong with either of those, or course. There are times parents need to butt out, such as whether a child is named captain or not and many others. But telling parents to not advocate for their kid on a wholesale basis misses a ton of situations where advocacy is appropriate and/or mandatory. The youth soccer landscape is unnecessarily complex and cutthroat and entirely geared toward the benefit of the clubs and the families of the premier players. Everyone else gets to dance on the knife's edge to protect their child from the shit sandwich that is youth soccer. I would advocate for parents to err on the side of being far more vocal in advocating for their children. If enough parents would do that - well, the clubs would have to be more responsive, but when it's just one family here and there they can be banished regardless of the validity of the issues raised. Children can learn a hell of a lot more standing up for themselves (or by witnessing their parents stand up for them) than by being taken for granted in order to stay on a top team with a coach who undervalues him/her.
 
That's fair - and just to be clear, I don't believe that the parent shouldn't care or want what's best for their kid, and encourage them to take whatever actions are likely most effective in improving things so they either enjoy the team more as is or improve whatever conditions are an issue.

It's just that at the U16 level - pretty much anything the parent does individually to communicate to the coach about playing time for their kid, is almost universally going to backfire. And there aren't years and years after U16 to sort out any missteps with the coach/club. The kid themselves has to sort it out, or it won't get sorted.

If it's a U8 team, expecting a child to be able to advocate for themselves, behave with any maturity, or even understand much of what's going on, is probably too much to put on the shoulders of a typical 7 or 8 year old. Of course parents need to be more involved along the way if there are issues.
 
rainbow_unicorn said:
The author lost me when she said that the coach picking the captains rather than kids running for it was a "meltdown". Sounds like your typical entitled parent that wants to do everything BUT actually have their kid put in the work to get better.
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100%. Selecting team captains is pretty common. Usually a coach sees the players who naturally take a leadership role in the team and selects them. This isn't a popularity contest like voting for class president.
 
Scrub It Kook said:
100%. Selecting team captains is pretty common. Usually a coach sees the players who naturally take a leadership role in the team and selects them. This isn't a popularity contest like voting for class president.
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Might just be a lower level team where things have always been a little more social and a little less competitive.

What high level team keeps equal playing time up through 14 years old?
 
Larzby said:
The team manager perspective is a unique one, so it is important to note that the answer actually depends on the issues faced by the child and team dynamics/politics. The team manager is usually the parent of a superstar player or the parent who is "all in" for the club for whatever reason. Nothing wrong with either of those, or course. There are times parents need to butt out, such as whether a child is named captain or not and many others. But telling parents to not advocate for their kid on a wholesale basis misses a ton of situations where advocacy is appropriate and/or mandatory. The youth soccer landscape is unnecessarily complex and cutthroat and entirely geared toward the benefit of the clubs and the families of the premier players. Everyone else gets to dance on the knife's edge to protect their child from the shit sandwich that is youth soccer. I would advocate for parents to err on the side of being far more vocal in advocating for their children. If enough parents would do that - well, the clubs would have to be more responsive, but when it's just one family here and there they can be banished regardless of the validity of the issues raised. Children can learn a hell of a lot more standing up for themselves (or by witnessing their parents stand up for them) than by being taken for granted in order to stay on a top team with a coach who undervalues him/her.
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I disagree. I come from a perspective with one kid being a solid starter and the other being on the knife's edge (and having been cut). If your kid is on the knife's edge and if you become vocal in advocating (or complaining in the coach's eyes) which way do you think that's going to push the kid? While a lesson can be learned in speaking out and standing up for themselves I think another lesson that is less seen (but more important) is rolling up sleeves and really digging in to improve to get to that next level. This is just my observation, but the families that complain the most are usually the ones that work the least.

What irks me as a parent of girl players is that parent behavior that runs rampant at the highest girl levels would be almost non-existent for boys at the highest level. Ask a parent of a kid who plays for LAFC or LA Galaxy academy if parents complain to the coaches. It just doesn't happen cause they'll get dropped in an instant if they did.
 
I have not been involved in soccer parenting very long but I have been majorly involved in other student organization as a parent and I find it to be a fine edge between being involved and overbearing. I think it is very important for your child to see you actively involved in the organization but the parents should not try and affect the decision of the coach/teacher/leader because 1) it creates all sorts of issues for your child and makes them feel like they didn't "earn" the spot or the position and 2) creates all sorts of divisions with other parents and the group itself because now every parent thinks that they have to do the same to get their kids in the proper roles/position. Finally, it sets up a really bad example for your child to think that they don't have to try as hard and struggle when the parents are no longer there to "assist".

My first concern is always what my children are taking out of this...not what amazing colleges/opportunities they can get at the end of the rainbow (cause who knows).
 
Larzby said:
The team manager perspective is a unique one, so it is important to note that the answer actually depends on the issues faced by the child and team dynamics/politics. The team manager is usually the parent of a superstar player or the parent who is "all in" for the club for whatever reason. Nothing wrong with either of those, or course. There are times parents need to butt out, such as whether a child is named captain or not and many others. But telling parents to not advocate for their kid on a wholesale basis misses a ton of situations where advocacy is appropriate and/or mandatory. The youth soccer landscape is unnecessarily complex and cutthroat and entirely geared toward the benefit of the clubs and the families of the premier players. Everyone else gets to dance on the knife's edge to protect their child from the shit sandwich that is youth soccer. I would advocate for parents to err on the side of being far more vocal in advocating for their children. If enough parents would do that - well, the clubs would have to be more responsive, but when it's just one family here and there they can be banished regardless of the validity of the issues raised. Children can learn a hell of a lot more standing up for themselves (or by witnessing their parents stand up for them) than by being taken for granted in order to stay on a top team with a coach who undervalues him/her.
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The issue with this approach is that it's often the other parents who are carrying the pitchforks, demanding more wins. If their kid is a starter (more than half of them) they'll be looking to preserve the play time for their kids (since they think their kids will carry the win and everyone else is dead weight). The coaches only act the way they do because the market (parent demands) insist upon it. Otherwise, the market would self-correct.

rainbow_unicorn said:
What irks me as a parent of girl players is that parent behavior that runs rampant at the highest girl levels would be almost non-existent for boys at the highest level. Ask a parent of a kid who plays for LAFC or LA Galaxy academy if parents complain to the coaches. It just doesn't happen cause they'll get dropped in an instant if they did.
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Lots of the academy kids don't even get to play at times or dress. Last year IIRC the U17 La Galaxy lead keeper got pushed to alternate for the U16 GK (which was in a no team age ban for the galaxy as there as no U16 team), which left the U17 alternate keeper unable to dress. Even at the Next level, there can be upwards of the high 20s signed up on each team, but only 18 allowed to dress for any game, and the players designated as "reserve" (such as the 3rd goalkeeper) never getting any playtime and not wanting to play for the lower team because it will make them ineligible in the event they happen to get called up to dress. Some players are driving hours just to play as reserve players. That said, a lot of the shenanigans described here do apply to the 2nd and lower level teams, and the few times I have seen parents step up esp. among the olders it's gone badly (back in my son's first club year when I was a rooky I did that not knowing any better and yes it went badly). Partly what's at work in the difference is that the market for players isn't as demanding on girls as it is on boys at the highest levels (so the parents think they can get away with stuff). The other thing I think at work is a bit of sexism (daddy thinking he needs to protect his little girl, but the boy is expected to man up and manage expectations).
 
rainbow_unicorn said:
The author lost me when she said that the coach picking the captains rather than kids running for it was a "meltdown". Sounds like your typical entitled parent that wants to do everything BUT actually have their kid put in the work to get better.
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Coaches picking all the captain, without metrics, is a bad sign. It means they don't trust their players or they have their favorites. It should be selected by the players. Players know who inspire if it is done through a secret ballot - like voting.
 
sockma said:
Coaches picking all the captain, without metrics, is a bad sign. It means they don't trust their players or they have their favorites. It should be selected by the players. Players know who inspire if it is done through a secret ballot - like voting.
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Just rotate the captian so all the YOUTH players get the opportunity.

Also this way they can all say that they were captain to college recruiters.
 
sockma said:
Coaches picking all the captain, without metrics, is a bad sign. It means they don't trust their players or they have their favorites. It should be selected by the players. Players know who inspire if it is done through a secret ballot - like voting.
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I don't think any emphasis should be placed on captain selection for youth soccer. Our club doesn't even have captains. If parents are focused on captain selection then they are focused on the wrong things.
 
sockma said:
Coaches picking all the captain, without metrics, is a bad sign. It means they don't trust their players or they have their favorites. It should be selected by the players. Players know who inspire if it is done through a secret ballot - like voting.
Click to expand...
For most every case, what to do depends on the age, level, and issue. Demanding your child be named captain of a U17 team is butting in. But it is equally clear that a parent should advocate ("complain"?) in other situations. A system that cowed parents and players into keeping their mouths shut for fear of getting dropped from elite teams is what allowed the nefarious practices uncovered in the King & Spaulding report to exist:


Without hard work, obviously you have no right to complain about much at all. Hard work is a given. If you're not working hard and still complaining, then you're getting dropped because of your work ethic, not because you're complaining.
 
TopesWin said:
For most every case, what to do depends on the age, level, and issue. Demanding your child be named captain of a U17 team is butting in. But it is equally clear that a parent should advocate ("complain"?) in other situations. A system that cowed parents and players into keeping their mouths shut for fear of getting dropped from elite teams is what allowed the nefarious practices uncovered in the King & Spaulding report to exist:


Without hard work, obviously you have no right to complain about much at all. Hard work is a given. If you're not working hard and still complaining, then you're getting dropped because of your work ethic, not because you're complaining.
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I agree. I wouldn't care enough to ever complain about who captains are, but I do see a pattern with coaches playing favorites through naming captains versus rotating captains or having players select through secret ballot.

While a child is under 18, a parent always has the right to interfere if the situation calls for parental involvement.
 
sockma said:
I agree. I wouldn't care enough to ever complain about who captains are, but I do see a pattern with coaches playing favorites through naming captains versus rotating captains or having players select through secret ballot.

While a child is under 18, a parent always has the right to interfere if the situation calls for parental involvement.
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I just don't understand why a club wouldn't make it policy to give all players the opportunity to be captain.

This is the type of thing players put on their resume when speaking with college recruiters.

If the club wants to have the highest number of college placements you help players to create resumes that appeal to recruiters.
 
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