FrankoRunner99
BRONZE
Okay. Okay.
I thought I was done. I thought I had already seen the fucking worst of this cursed, diseased, soccer wasteland we call Southern California. But no. I had only scratched the crusty, pus-filled surface of the real beast behind it all:
MLS NEXT.
MLS. FUCKING. NEXT.
The crown jewel of the SoCal Youth Soccer Mafia™. The final boss of soccer elitism. The Tesla-driving, spreadsheet-worshipping, $3,000-a-season soccer cult made by clipboard-licking dictators.
This shit is not a league. It’s not a pathway. It’s not even a development system.
MLS Next is a fucking prestige LARP for rich parents and fake coaches to cosplay as talent scouts while milking you dry like a neglected cow.
Let’s get into it.
"OOOOOOOHHHHH MLS NEXT IS THE FUTURE OF AMERICAN SOCCER"
LMAOOOOOO.
NO BRO. It’s the PayPal Premium tier of Club Soccer. It’s the blue checkmark of youth leagues.
They slap that shiny black & white logo on your club and suddenly you’re expected to act like you're Ajax Youth. But behind the logo is the same shitty politics, the same recycled coaches, and the same broken-ass system, just now with extra fees, hidden costs, and gaslighting.
They say it’s “invite only.”
They say it’s “for elite talent.”
But guess what?
EVERY KID ON THE TEAM IS A COACH’S FAVORITE OR SOME FLUFFY-HAIRED BITCHBOY WITH A DAD WHO WORKS FOR A LAW-FIRM COMPANY.
“But Franko, it’s about development, not winning.”
Development ?
DEVELOPMENT !?!?!?!?!?!?!?
DEVELOPMENT !?!?!?!?!?!?!?
THEN WHY DO THE FUCKING COACHES YELL LIKE THEY’RE IN A UCL FINAL WHEN SOME 13-YEAR-OLD FUCKS UP A PASS ? WHY DO THEY BENCH KIDS FOR “ATTITUDE ISSUES” LIKE THIS IS FKN NAVY SEALS BOOTCAMP ? WHY ARE WE FLYING TO FUCKING UTAH FOR A GAME THAT ENDS 1-0 BECAUSE BOTH TEAMS PLAYED LIKE THE FKING GIBRALTAR NATIONAL TEAM ?
And let’s talk about the fake-ass “development" bullshit they shove up your ass.
It’s the same exact mid-ass drills you did in high school tryouts. Except now Coach Velasquez calls it a “positional rondo with verticality emphasis” and charges $300/month for it.
“Development” is code for :
"We will slowly suck the joy out of this sport while draining your mom's credit card until you either quit or your ACL blows up."
“Exposure” Is a Scam.
They sell you this idea that playing MLS Next will get you “seen.”
Seen by motherfkin WHO??
A bunch of bored 23-year-old ex-players with USSF C Licenses and LinkedIn bios that say “Soccer Visionary”?
College scouts? LOL. Most of these games are played on back-alley fields in San Bernardino with no shade, no bathrooms, and two dudes vaping on the sideline pretending they’re recruiters from LAFC.
There is no magic pipeline.
If you’re not already on the inside (connected, groomed since U8, or worshipped by the staff), you’re just an extra in someone else’s highlight tape.
Let’s Talk MONEY.
They say MLS Next is “non-pay-to-play.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
No bro, you don’t pay to be on the team, you pay for everything else:
- Uniforms? $450 minimum, not including the alternate kits.
- Travel? Pay your own gas, hotel, food, and “team bonding events” at fking Rockin' Jump.
- Tournaments? $800 a weekend.
- Extra private training “recommended” by Coach ? $90/hr.
- GPS tracker vest to measure “effort”? $250.
- Monthly fees? Oh don’t worry, those still magically exist. “Facility access” and “coaching stipends” apparently.
You could mortgage your house to keep up with these costs and Coach still won’t remember your name unless you’re his favorite’s ride home.
The Culture is Fucking Poison.
MLS Next creates a factory-farm mentality where kids are treated like walking Transfermarkt sheets and anything less than perfection is weakness.
If you’re naturally talented but short?
“Needs more size.”
If you’re physical but unpolished?
“Lacks technical maturity.”
If you’re not already molded into a complete player at 14?
“Not Next level.”
SHUT THE FUCK UP.
And then they’ll bring in a random kid from out of state whose dad runs a crypto startup and hand him your spot.
You’re not developing. You’re competing to exist.
You’re walking on eggshells in a black Nike kit hoping Coach doesn’t decide you’re “mentally soft” for asking to take a piss during practice.
Meanwhile, the Players They Worship?
Have ZERO personality.
ZERO joy.
ZERO flair.
Every Next team has that one Coach’s Darling™ who plays the safest 5-yard passes, avoids all risk, plays like a fucking AI, and somehow gets praised for having “soccer IQ.”
Meanwhile, the only creative kid with sauce and imagination gets benched for “over-dribbling.”
They want robots.
They want coach-pleasers.
They want soulless plug-and-play NPCs who call the game “football” and upload training clips with 2022 Metro Boomin bullshit like they’re in La Masia.
Bro. You are playing in FUCKING RANCO CUCAMONGA. Calm the fuck down.
The Truth? MLS Next Isn’t a Development League. It’s a Pay-to-Flex Cult.
It’s a status symbol for parents.
So they can put that dogshit sticker on their 2015 Civic that screams :
"LOOK GUYS MY SON FINNA GO PRO IN SOCCER LOLOLOLOL"
A power trip for coaches.
And a fucking lie for players who think it’s a real path to pro when it’s just the same crusty gatekeeping with a nicer jersey and Adidas collabs.
MLS Next is what happens when you give fake clout to a broken system and let it rot in darkness.
You’re better off playing park scrimmages with ballers who actually love the game than running mindless drills while a clipboard-humping Coach compares you to Busquets because you completed one square pass under pressure.
Final Score:
MLS Next 1 – 0 Joy
MLS Next 2 – 0 Your Wallet
MLS Next 3 – 0 Your Hopes of Playing D1 If You’re Not Already in the System™
Fuck this shit.
Fuck MLS Next.
Fuck the SoCal Youth Soccer Mafia™.
Franko out.
I thought I was done. I thought I had already seen the fucking worst of this cursed, diseased, soccer wasteland we call Southern California. But no. I had only scratched the crusty, pus-filled surface of the real beast behind it all:
MLS NEXT.
MLS. FUCKING. NEXT.
The crown jewel of the SoCal Youth Soccer Mafia™. The final boss of soccer elitism. The Tesla-driving, spreadsheet-worshipping, $3,000-a-season soccer cult made by clipboard-licking dictators.
This shit is not a league. It’s not a pathway. It’s not even a development system.
MLS Next is a fucking prestige LARP for rich parents and fake coaches to cosplay as talent scouts while milking you dry like a neglected cow.
Let’s get into it.
"OOOOOOOHHHHH MLS NEXT IS THE FUTURE OF AMERICAN SOCCER"
LMAOOOOOO.
NO BRO. It’s the PayPal Premium tier of Club Soccer. It’s the blue checkmark of youth leagues.
They slap that shiny black & white logo on your club and suddenly you’re expected to act like you're Ajax Youth. But behind the logo is the same shitty politics, the same recycled coaches, and the same broken-ass system, just now with extra fees, hidden costs, and gaslighting.
They say it’s “invite only.”
They say it’s “for elite talent.”
But guess what?
EVERY KID ON THE TEAM IS A COACH’S FAVORITE OR SOME FLUFFY-HAIRED BITCHBOY WITH A DAD WHO WORKS FOR A LAW-FIRM COMPANY.
“But Franko, it’s about development, not winning.”
Development ?
DEVELOPMENT !?!?!?!?!?!?!?
DEVELOPMENT !?!?!?!?!?!?!?
THEN WHY DO THE FUCKING COACHES YELL LIKE THEY’RE IN A UCL FINAL WHEN SOME 13-YEAR-OLD FUCKS UP A PASS ? WHY DO THEY BENCH KIDS FOR “ATTITUDE ISSUES” LIKE THIS IS FKN NAVY SEALS BOOTCAMP ? WHY ARE WE FLYING TO FUCKING UTAH FOR A GAME THAT ENDS 1-0 BECAUSE BOTH TEAMS PLAYED LIKE THE FKING GIBRALTAR NATIONAL TEAM ?
And let’s talk about the fake-ass “development" bullshit they shove up your ass.
It’s the same exact mid-ass drills you did in high school tryouts. Except now Coach Velasquez calls it a “positional rondo with verticality emphasis” and charges $300/month for it.
“Development” is code for :
"We will slowly suck the joy out of this sport while draining your mom's credit card until you either quit or your ACL blows up."
“Exposure” Is a Scam.
They sell you this idea that playing MLS Next will get you “seen.”
Seen by motherfkin WHO??
A bunch of bored 23-year-old ex-players with USSF C Licenses and LinkedIn bios that say “Soccer Visionary”?
College scouts? LOL. Most of these games are played on back-alley fields in San Bernardino with no shade, no bathrooms, and two dudes vaping on the sideline pretending they’re recruiters from LAFC.
There is no magic pipeline.
If you’re not already on the inside (connected, groomed since U8, or worshipped by the staff), you’re just an extra in someone else’s highlight tape.
Let’s Talk MONEY.
They say MLS Next is “non-pay-to-play.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
No bro, you don’t pay to be on the team, you pay for everything else:
- Uniforms? $450 minimum, not including the alternate kits.
- Travel? Pay your own gas, hotel, food, and “team bonding events” at fking Rockin' Jump.
- Tournaments? $800 a weekend.
- Extra private training “recommended” by Coach ? $90/hr.
- GPS tracker vest to measure “effort”? $250.
- Monthly fees? Oh don’t worry, those still magically exist. “Facility access” and “coaching stipends” apparently.
You could mortgage your house to keep up with these costs and Coach still won’t remember your name unless you’re his favorite’s ride home.
The Culture is Fucking Poison.
MLS Next creates a factory-farm mentality where kids are treated like walking Transfermarkt sheets and anything less than perfection is weakness.
If you’re naturally talented but short?
“Needs more size.”
If you’re physical but unpolished?
“Lacks technical maturity.”
If you’re not already molded into a complete player at 14?
“Not Next level.”
SHUT THE FUCK UP.
And then they’ll bring in a random kid from out of state whose dad runs a crypto startup and hand him your spot.
You’re not developing. You’re competing to exist.
You’re walking on eggshells in a black Nike kit hoping Coach doesn’t decide you’re “mentally soft” for asking to take a piss during practice.
Meanwhile, the Players They Worship?
Have ZERO personality.
ZERO joy.
ZERO flair.
Every Next team has that one Coach’s Darling™ who plays the safest 5-yard passes, avoids all risk, plays like a fucking AI, and somehow gets praised for having “soccer IQ.”
Meanwhile, the only creative kid with sauce and imagination gets benched for “over-dribbling.”
They want robots.
They want coach-pleasers.
They want soulless plug-and-play NPCs who call the game “football” and upload training clips with 2022 Metro Boomin bullshit like they’re in La Masia.
Bro. You are playing in FUCKING RANCO CUCAMONGA. Calm the fuck down.
The Truth? MLS Next Isn’t a Development League. It’s a Pay-to-Flex Cult.
It’s a status symbol for parents.
So they can put that dogshit sticker on their 2015 Civic that screams :
"LOOK GUYS MY SON FINNA GO PRO IN SOCCER LOLOLOLOL"
A power trip for coaches.
And a fucking lie for players who think it’s a real path to pro when it’s just the same crusty gatekeeping with a nicer jersey and Adidas collabs.
MLS Next is what happens when you give fake clout to a broken system and let it rot in darkness.
You’re better off playing park scrimmages with ballers who actually love the game than running mindless drills while a clipboard-humping Coach compares you to Busquets because you completed one square pass under pressure.
Final Score:
MLS Next 1 – 0 Joy
MLS Next 2 – 0 Your Wallet
MLS Next 3 – 0 Your Hopes of Playing D1 If You’re Not Already in the System™
Fuck this shit.
Fuck MLS Next.
Fuck the SoCal Youth Soccer Mafia™.
Franko out.
