# Bullying on the team..... Need your input



## Sane65 (Jul 14, 2017)

I am putting this thread together for some sincere thoughts on how to handle a difficult situation. *Please set aside the trolling for another thread.  
*
Here's the situation:

My kid has been experiencing consistent, systematic bullying on his new very competitive club soccer team. 
(It is a young age group, but these kids are old enough to know what they are doing is simply wrong.) 
Approximately 3 kids on the team have been "taking turns" with name calling, teasing and blaming.  BTW.... the ring leader is the team manager's kid and happens to be a very skilled good player.  I have witnessed the name calling and teasing recently.  The targeting happens when the coach is not around.  I have to say I have multiple kids that play organized sports and I have never witnessed this kind of consistent bullying.  My kid, who loves the game, loves to play, has now said he doesn't want to go to practice and doesn't care to be on the team anymore.  Of course it is to the point that we are now forced and willing to address it with the coach, if necessary, leave the club, talk directly to the DOC etc.  I am looking for similar experiences and how you have handled it?  What actions did you take?

Were there positive results or did it just make things worse to have it addressed?  Honest feedback please.


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## MyDaughtersAKeeper (Jul 14, 2017)

I think you have to address it.  Not sure the age group, but whether they are little kids that need some adult direction or older kids that should clearly know better, you have to address the issue.  If it were me, I would have a talk with the kid's parent(s), the team manager (which in this case is 1 in the same), and the coach.  I would have specific instances ready to refer to so that I could be very clear as to the bullying the child is enduring.   Parent/team manager may not be of assistance so I would see how the coach handles it.  If the coach is unwilling or unable to get the behavior to stop I would have a backup plan with another club ready to go.  Life is too short to endure this longer than necessary.  If I moved my kid elsewhere I would let the club know why we made the move.  Good luck, and I hope you can cure the problem with the current team.

PS  Without getting into details my kid has had some issues that needed to be sorted through.  There are too many clubs and too many teams to choose from for your kid to be unhappy.


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## younothat (Jul 14, 2017)

I don't know what ages your're referring to but kids can be rough on each other.  

I've seen this happen before,  the more physically mature, longer standing players, starters making life difficult for some of the newer or other players for what ever reason.  When it goes from Verbal to Relational and finally Physically Bulling where players go after each other in practice.

At first its best you see if you child can come up with ideas or strategies they think will help solve the problems.   Helping them overcome and learn to be resilient will help them if they can come up with there own ideas?

That may not be enough so if  it were my kids I would tell my player to talk with the coach before/after every practice until things improve or not?  Coaches need to be role models, set the tone for players on the team and not tolerate any kind of bullying or teasing behavior. Coaches should work on character building as well as the sport and give your kid a fun and competitive experience.

If that doesn't work well after a certain amt of time, time for the parent(s) to step in and elevate the issue to the clubs Director's , the coach needs to set the tone if they are unable to might be time to ask for another coach IMO.


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## Dominic (Jul 14, 2017)

1. Is your son new on the team?
2. Did your son take a starting position from another player?
3. Can you eliminate racial issues?
4. Is your son overly aggressive (dirty) at practice?
5. Do you separate yourself from the other parents?


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## Striker17 (Jul 14, 2017)

With all due respect avoid parents. Manager parent you will absolutely get no where with so just avoid all together .
Kids get 99 percent of their bad behavior from Mommy and Daddy. U14 and below 99 percent of what comes out of their mouths is parroting what their parents are saying in the car about another player on the way home. Rarely have I seen the bad kid with great parents. Rarely have I seen the bully teammate who didn't have a delusional, unrealistic, gossip mommy or daddy who thought she was the next Alex Morgan. 
Delusional, jerk off parents usually have kids just like them. 
DOC.


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## chargerfan (Jul 14, 2017)

Striker17 said:


> With all due respect avoid parents. Manager parent you will absolutely get no where with so just avoid all together .
> Kids get 99 percent of their bad behavior from Mommy and Daddy. U14 and below 99 percent of what comes out of their mouths is parroting what their parents are saying in the car about another player on the way home. Rarely have I seen the bad kid with great parents. Rarely have I seen the bully teammate who didn't have a delusional, unrealistic, gossip mommy or daddy who thought she was the next Alex Morgan.
> Delusional, jerk off parents usually have kids just like them.
> DOC.


Parents of children like that tend to make excuses for their child's behavior. He's "strong willed", "speaks his mind", or "too young to know better". Those parents also tend to blame others for their child's behavior, or say they need to "toughen up". I have heard it all when it comes to parents of bullies. 

I wouldn't be surprised if the team manager just laughed off her son's behavior, or told you that somehow it's your son's fault. Go to the coach and the DOC. But I would have a backup plan because it's nearing the end of July.


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## Buddhabman (Jul 14, 2017)

First thing.  If your kid no longer wants to go to practice, you are probably well past a tipping point of no return. If the bullying kids are just an expression / symptom of manager or coaches beliefs, your kid is never going to enjoy playing there. Probably better off finding another competitive club. You need to address it with the coach and the manager to make them aware of the reasons you are leaving the team. There are other good teams with good kids out there.


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## Striker17 (Jul 14, 2017)

chargerfan said:


> Parents of children like that tend to make excuses for their child's behavior. He's "strong willed", "speaks his mind", or "too young to know better". Those parents also tend to blame others for their child's behavior, or say they need to "toughen up". I have heard it all when it comes to parents of bullies.
> 
> I wouldn't be surprised if the team manager just laughed off her son's behavior, or told you that somehow it's your son's fault. Go to the coach and the DOC. But I would have a backup plan because it's nearing the end of July.


You forgot "she just wants the ball sent directly to her feet"
"She's a high level player and doesn't like the way your daughter plays"
"I like the girls to handle things themselves it's part of growing up" ..
LOL I have witnessed it all. For the record mom of said child clearly had no control over daughter as evidenced by social media etc. 
Remember its feel good Cali!

To put this into perspective I was at a boys sporting event last weekend. Coach yells at a player to "get the damn ball under control". Another player yells at player "yeah get the damn ball under control". Ref stops the game. Approaches coach and says enough you can't say that. Coach starts yelling back, then parents start yelling form the stands "since when is damn a cuss word" Ref has to come around and explain to parents that this is a youth sports event and he would prefer if we didn't yell at athletes and think the use of damn was appropriate. 
I felt like I was in a fantasy land.
These are the values of our society now!


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## mirage (Jul 14, 2017)

Sane65 said:


> My kid has been experiencing consistent, systematic bullying on his new very competitive club soccer team................ Of course it is to the point that we are now forced and willing to address it with the coach, if necessary, leave the club, talk directly to the DOC etc.  I am looking for similar experiences and how you have handled it?  What actions did you take?
> 
> Were there positive results or did it just make things worse to have it addressed?  Honest feedback please.


Since you've asked HONEST feedback, you may not like the responses but here it goes....

- We've become too politically correct and overuse and overhype bullying in our society
- Kids are cruel in general - in every interaction, there are kids that get made fun of
- Parents are too quick to intervene and not let the kid work it out on their own
- Social clicks exist in every team sports (just as it does in society) at all ages and its just the way it is
- One can argue if these behaviors or environment is right or wrong but they exist and we all have to deal with them

Given these background, couple of questions need to be honestly answered by you and to yourself. 
1) Why did you pick this team - your choice or your kid's? 
2) Did you really expect "really competitive team" would welcome new player that either threatens their position/pecking order, or plays below their ability?
3) If so called bullying kids are called by their coach to stop, do you believe it will stop?  Most likely outcome is it will get worse because your kid can't take it.
4) What are you and your kid prepared to do about it?

Our younger kid was being made fun of by group of kids that were already on the team from the previous season at U11.  He's a sensitive kid and didn't like it.  I told him to deal with it and if he couldn't, to let me know.  I gave him some ideas to deal with the situation also.  Told him that create a group friends within the team so that he was not alone.  Also told him that fight fire with fire.  When they picked on him, pick on them when they made mistakes but do it in such a way that it wasn't personal - point out what else they could have done instead.  If any of them got physical, don't hold back and just take it. Hold you own ground and defend.  My kid worked it out on his own. No it didn't solve overnight.  It took months but things improved little by little and those kids that were making fun of my kid became more isolated on the team and they left.

I know many parents, especially the younger parents, would not agree with my approach and I get that.  You see, I've been around long enough that the only way to get this type of behavior stopped is by isolate and make them irrelevant as well as earning their respect.  These come in many ways but *having the coach or parents try to settle it is not it*.

If all else fails, it simply maybe a wrong fit for you and your kid on this particular team.  There are plenty of very competitive teams out there....


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## Sane65 (Jul 14, 2017)

Thank you to everyone.  I asked for your input and I do value everyone's shares.  The age group is young enough to need supervision and old enough to know better.  We have encouraged and tried to give our kid the proper tools to handle this situation and people like this.  "Life Skills" right?  We have 4 kids that play competitive sports, so we recognize the difference between mental toughness/competitiveness and straight up bullying.  The escalation of the bullying has been gradual over 3-4 months but we have reached a critical mass where gender, level of play, learned behaviors or race quite honestly do NOT matter.  There is no excuse for the targeted behavior.  Changes will absolutely happen and it will be initiated by us the parents, as we won't allow these incidents to happen anymore.


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## uburoi (Jul 14, 2017)

This is a super important topic and good you brought it up. It came to my
attention from a friend I told him what I'll tell you. Tell the coach.
Totally correct to keep the parents out of it, they are probably part of
the problem. As a manager I'd tell the coach immediately, but sometimes
managers are no better than those parents who are the problem. or they
themselves are part of the problem too. Speaking from personal experience,
it happens. When my DS was really, really young someone said something and
I mentioned it. Problem went away. He was young enough that he needed my
support. When my DS got a little older, there was someone bullying
everyone. My DS stuck up for herself and handled it, and stuck up for
others, and continually put that person in her place until the very end. In
another situation, one of my kids was accused, and I had to deal with it
from that end, which was troubling. Bottom line is, I can't see there ever
being a successful team when this is happening = a divided house eventually
falls, some faster than others. Those kids bring down the team, just like
they bring down a workplace or class setting or any other group. Any parent
who trolls this is part of the problem themselves. Some coaches just
straight out can not manage it, they aren't strong enough or smart enough.


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## coachrefparent (Jul 14, 2017)

Players who bully, blame, demean or disrespect their teammates are not good team players. Their parents are likely a-holes, or weak. 

Any good coach will instantly know how to deal with this if brought to their attention.


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## Grace T. (Jul 14, 2017)

Sane65 said:


> Thank you to everyone.  I asked for your input and I do value everyone's shares.  The age group is young enough to need supervision and old enough to know better.  We have encouraged and tried to give our kid the proper tools to handle this situation and people like this.  "Life Skills" right?  We have 4 kids that play competitive sports, so we recognize the difference between mental toughness/competitiveness and straight up bullying.  The escalation of the bullying has been gradual over 3-4 months but we have reached a critical mass where gender, level of play, learned behaviors or race quite honestly do NOT matter.  There is no excuse for the targeted behavior.  Changes will absolutely happen and it will be initiated by us the parents, as we won't allow these incidents to happen anymore.



Well, I'll share with you my experience growing up.  I had the same thing happen to me in high school in the 9th grade (I was the keeper).  My parents intervened with the coach who laid down the law with the other players but that only seemed to make the situation worse.  They instead began to retaliate when the coach wasn't looking, and particularly because I was the keeper and was supposed to be one of the leaders of the team.  A keeper whose defenders don't have their back will have a real hard time of it.  And yes, I suspect there was a bit of a race element there.  In any case, I wound up giving up soccer....not just because of this....other activities were beginning to crowd out soccer and I was making a run for the elite schools academically...but it was a factor in pushing me out.  I'm not saying you shouldn't go to the coach...things might improve....I'm just saying you should have a backup plan because it could potentially make the situation worse.  A lot of what mirage said is true....I wish I could give that comment 1000 likes.....we as parents like to think that we can fix everything for our kids and there are situations which we can and should try to help....but we also don't have the power to always solve their issues.  Best of luck to you and I hope everything works out.


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## Sane65 (Jul 14, 2017)

Thank you for all your concern and comments.  I am not here to "fix" anything for anyone.  I am here to make the right choice as a parent.  Just like someone researches which school or club would be the right fit for their child.  I want to clarify this is not fixing or solving a problem for my kid....  we now have an obligation as responsible adults to take action so that the emotional abuse stops. 

That is precisely the reason I ask for concrete experiences.  I tend to be analytical about these things and qualify/quantify so that we have options & choices in the matter.  

It is my duty to show and role model to all of my children that abuse of any type is NOT ok.  So let's be very clear here. Yes there are mean kids/people out there in this world and there are kind people as well, but by definition Bullying is a form of aggressive behavior in which someone intentionally and repeatedly causes another person injury or discomfort.


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## outside! (Jul 14, 2017)

I would talk to the coach and DOC together. Leave the manager out of it. If changes are not made quickly, find another team or quit club and play futsal for a season.


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## TangoCity (Jul 14, 2017)

If it is happening within the contexts of the team (practices, games etc...) go to the coach.  Doesn't sound like the coach even knows about it, so give him/her the chance to solve the problem.  A good coach will then sit down with the bullying kid and their parent and discuss the problem.  If the coach is unwilling to fix it then go to the DOC or Club President.  A coach unwilling to address the issue should be fired.  And as others have said document as many instances as possible.  Leaving for a different team may end up being the best option even after going through this but I think you need to try the coach first.  It may be a fairly easy fix.  If the teasing/bullying goes on outside of soccer (like at school) then you may have a bigger problem at hand.  Good luck!!!!


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## mirage (Jul 14, 2017)

Sane65 said:


> ............I tend to be analytical about these things and qualify/quantify so that we have options & choices in the matter.......


While I appreciate your statements, you appear to have had your mind made up based on your second and third posts on this thread.  As a non-involved forum contributor, it seems/comes across as that you are only seeking validation/rationalization to take predetermined action as a parent. 

Qualitatively, both GraceT and myself pointed out that there are unintended consequence to your approach, regardless of how you may feel about what is or is not Bullying.  It is not about setting example for your kids.

In your original post, the only evidence of discomfort (since there is no injury reported by you) is that you son doesn't want to goto practice or be on the team.  This maybe due to many factors, including not only bullying but not having fun (which can be caused by many reasons), which on the forum like this is very difficult to quantify numerically what is contributing to the behavior.

All I'm saying is that we all sympathize with your dilemma and the situation, and completely understand the reaction wanting to protect your child and express your dissatisfaction/anger.  That said, options exist how you go about moving forward now that you in this situation that is best for your child, from his perspective, on this team.


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## Deadpoolscores! (Jul 14, 2017)

outside! said:


> I would talk to the coach and DOC together. Leave the manager out of it. If changes are not made quickly, find another team or quit club and play futsal for a season.


Leave the DOC out of it...if the coach can't change the environment what makes you think the DOC will. Is the DOC going to fire the coach? most likely not...DOC have too many things on their plates. What the child needs to do is confront the bully and find out what is their problem. Getting mommy involved is only making it worse for him...are you always going to step in every time he gets bullied in life? Or teach him best thing to do is quit and move on? You should talk to the coach... he should step aside and observe from a distance to see it for himself,  confront them at the same time  in order to get to the root cause of it. I have done that several time as a coach with girls and boys from Ulittles to high school players you be amaze what I hear when they confront each other. But at the end they resolve it because I have them work together as a team in everything making them realize that they need each other. If the coach can't resolve the bullying issues in his team then you might as well move on and hope you can find a new team soon.


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## coachrefparent (Jul 14, 2017)

Grace T. said:


> Well, I'll share with you my experience growing up.  I had the same thing happen to me in high school in the 9th grade (I was the keeper).  My parents intervened with the coach who laid down the law with the other players but that only seemed to make the situation worse.  They instead began to retaliate when the coach wasn't looking, and particularly because I was the keeper and was supposed to be one of the leaders of the team.  A keeper whose defenders don't have their back will have a real hard time of it.  And yes, I suspect there was a bit of a race element there.  In any case, I wound up giving up soccer....not just because of this....other activities were beginning to crowd out soccer and I was making a run for the elite schools academically...but it was a factor in pushing me out.  I'm not saying you shouldn't go to the coach...things might improve....I'm just saying you should have a backup plan because it could potentially make the situation worse.  A lot of what mirage said is true....I wish I could give that comment 1000 likes.....we as parents like to think that we can fix everything for our kids and there are situations which we can and should try to help....but we also don't have the power to always solve their issues.  Best of luck to you and I hope everything works out.


A good coach would not "lay down the law" identifying the player as a tattle-tale. A good coach would not let players retaliate, notwithstanding that it was "when the coach wasn't looking."

Deadpoolscores describes some of the things a good coach would do.


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## Art (Jul 14, 2017)

Striker17 said:


> You forgot "she just wants the ball sent directly to her feet"
> "She's a high level player and doesn't like the way your daughter plays"
> "I like the girls to handle things themselves it's part of growing up" ..
> LOL I have witnessed it all. For the record mom of said child clearly had no control over daughter as evidenced by social media etc.
> ...


im the type of ref that singles parents out for cuss words especially coaches...I dont condone it, damn could be seen as a symbolism for another word...fbomb comes to mind. Pretty sad if players are parroting the coach..keep in mind im 21 and hold fellow "adults" accountable. I dont put up with crap.

As for the bullying thing go straight to the coach, team parent shmarent can kiss my backside. They hold no weight on disciplinary issues. If your coach is having a hard time addressing it, you say this "hey coach, this problem aint going away, did you do your best? If your having a hard time I can get the DOC involved, or a higher position member" if all else fails, stop paying the greedy c***

There is too much bullying on teams, pretentious traits in people.


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## Sane65 (Jul 14, 2017)

Mind made up now?  Yes indeed after hearing of other's *experiences* (qualitative and quantitative)... yes. 
Thank you to those that have shared about your *specific experiences per my initial request* as it has helped in shaping our next steps.  

I asked for situation, what steps were taken, actions and what the final results were.  Thank you for the honest shares via DM as well.

This post was meant for non-judgement. Please troll elsewhere. I'm not asking for anyone's permission and quite honestly it does not matter to us whether anyone thinks our decision is right or wrong. We will do what's best for our kid.  There are plenty of battles they fight on their own and we are and continue to be the model for that.    

Best of luck to you all.  Let's try to make competitive soccer a fun and positive experience for kids that love the game where they can experience true joy of playing together as a team. Those memories can last a lifetime.


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## Socal United (Jul 14, 2017)

Sane65 said:


> Thank you to everyone.  I asked for your input and I do value everyone's shares.  The age group is young enough to need supervision and old enough to know better.  We have encouraged and tried to give our kid the proper tools to handle this situation and people like this.  "Life Skills" right?  We have 4 kids that play competitive sports, so we recognize the difference between mental toughness/competitiveness and straight up bullying.  The escalation of the bullying has been gradual over 3-4 months but we have reached a critical mass where gender, level of play, learned behaviors or race quite honestly do NOT matter.  There is no excuse for the targeted behavior.  Changes will absolutely happen and it will be initiated by us the parents, as we won't allow these incidents to happen anymore.


I am a coach.  Unfortunately, this happens a lot more than you think as it seems many more of today's kids are under less adult leadership than days gone by.  That said, I would want you to come to me first.  Given that much of it takes place when I am the one in charge, it should start with me in regards to a solution.  I think most coaches that care would do whatever it takes to try to address the situation in a diplomatic way without destroying any kids in the process.  Many times, the 9 year old kid doing the bullying does not really see it as a negative as many times they are modeling behavior.  There are lots of ways to deal with it, sometimes you just have to go to multiple steps to get the end result.  I feel most times this can be done by the coach.  Maybe I am a just naive....


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## TangoCity (Jul 14, 2017)

Deadpoolscores! said:


> Leave the DOC out of it...if the coach can't change the environment what makes you think the DOC will. Is the DOC going to fire the coach? most likely not...DOC have too many things on their plates. What the child needs to do is confront the bully and find out what is their problem. Getting mommy involved is only making it worse for him...are you always going to step in every time he gets bullied in life? Or teach him best thing to do is quit and move on? You should talk to the coach... he should step aside and observe from a distance to see it for himself,  confront them at the same time  in order to get to the root cause of it. I have done that several time as a coach with girls and boys from Ulittles to high school players you be amaze what I hear when they confront each other. But at the end they resolve it because I have them work together as a team in everything making them realize that they need each other. If the coach can't resolve the bullying issues in his team then you might as well move on and hope you can find a new team soon.


If the coach won't do anything you definitely should go up the chain to the DOC/President.  Not so much to get the situation resolved but to possibly keep the situation from happening again to someone else.


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## Surf Zombie (Jul 14, 2017)

My daughter played on a U10 team. The girls spend a lot of time together, probably 6-10 hours a week of games and practice, plus car pools, out of state tournaments, and of course social media.  I feel like she sees her teammates more than her siblings.

We learned about half way through last season that the top player on the team was supposedly giving a lot of crap to the weakest kid on the team, as well as the goalie.  My daughter, who is in the middle of the roster, stayed out of it.

Things eventually got to the point where the two girls parents went straight to the owner of the club who handled it, imo, very well. My understanding is they by passed the girls parents, which made her very upset about,


The coach put all the girls in a room and everyone aired their grievances.


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## MakeAPlay (Jul 14, 2017)

Striker17 said:


> You forgot "she just wants the ball sent directly to her feet"
> "She's a high level player and doesn't like the way your daughter plays"
> "I like the girls to handle things themselves it's part of growing up" ..
> LOL I have witnessed it all. For the record mom of said child clearly had no control over daughter as evidenced by social media etc.
> ...



Welcome to Trump's America!  Sorry carry on.


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## charlie murphy (Jul 14, 2017)

I have had this situation with my kids on two occasions.  One was Parent to kid ( u 8/9). The parent who happened to also be the manager's husband would isolate my son and use intimidation to bully my son. To clarify, he wanted my son to play goal.  He would tell him things like "If you don't play goal we are going to lose . He also made all team call him Coach ----".  (at some point he was the AYSO coach for a lot of the boys on the team)  After a loss he would reinforce his agenda by making sure that my son was aware or the 'reason' the team lost.  We did damage control after games and practice and approached the coach to see if he was wanting my son to tend the goal . It was not the intent of the coach. So we made him aware of the situation and asked him to address the issue . Not sure if  he did, as things did not change. We then involved the DOC who of course supported the coach and the manager. My son however felt the wrath of the parent and now the manager to an even greater extent. We left that team. We also had documentation of the events once things began to unravel. The team wanted their payments for the season ( this all occurred over the summer) as "fields were paid for and we signed a contract". Subsequently we took that club to small claims court and had our fees refunded .  A bit of effort but the satisfaction of not being bullied by the team and removing my son from that environment was worth the effort. He ended up on a team with great parents and kids. So don't let the moving teams stop you.
The second was Kid to kid : my son was on a predominately Hispanic team and that bullying was completely racially motivated. He was new to an established team and different. We let the coach know what was being said to our son . The coach began to watch  the team interactions. He  addressed issues at the time they occurred. Bad behaviors  stopped.  My son is still friends with may of the kids on that team (years later) even though that team disbanded and those kids are all over the place now.  We let my son know that he could talk to us and keep us updated on how he was doing. Things worked their way out. As an aside, many of those players did move together and get a new coach and that team has been cited on this forum for taunting the opposing teams and inappropriate side line behavior. ( a change in culture )
So I would say with that experience I would give the coach a chance to right his team. Document what is occurring ,because you do not know what the future will be , and give you child the tools to succeed and protect from harm. good luck


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## SoccerFan4Life (Jul 14, 2017)

I had this issue with my young son. I told  him that he needed to stand up for himself and talk back to the bully and possibly fight if he had to.   We practiced some scenarios so he can verbally attack the bully.  It worked. Probably not the best advice but it worked. 

I also told him that it will not be his last time that he will confront a bully.   I was bullied a lot when I was young (too fat). I just kept pushing back and got into some fights. The moment you fight back, the bullying stopped.  They will focus on other kids that they can push around.    

 With girls, I am not sure what to do and hoping this doesn't happen to my 9 year girl.

Going to the coach is also  the way to go but eventually your child might have this same experience in the future.


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## timbuck (Jul 14, 2017)

I had an issue with kids on my team (girls) a few years ago.
Both accused the other of bullying.  They were both right.  Two strong personalities that were friends one day and hated each other the next.
I talked it through with them.  "You don't have to be best friends, but I'm not going to put up with this.  I know you are in school together and I don't want to hear about any issues there either."  It worked for a while.
I also met with both of the parents separately.  They didn't seem to like each other very much either.
Eventually one of the girls left the team.


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## Sheriff Joe (Jul 14, 2017)

MakeAPlay said:


> Welcome to Trump's America!  Sorry carry on.


Now, Now, Now, I think this all started in 08.


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## Flipthrow (Jul 15, 2017)

Keep the politics out of it. Both sides sound so stupid even bringing trump and obama into every life situation. So tired and dumb.  Guy asked for no trolls but here they are. 
Girls teams can have some mean girls (not old enough to call them b*tches but that is likely what they will be as evidenced by their mothers). Even at young ages and you can teach your kid to stand up to them, but it's very hard f your kid is quiet and the mean girls are the best players. The best strategy given was for your kid to make friends and isolate the bully. Had to teach my daughter to push back every time a bigger girl tried to hurt her in practice. When her friends saw my daughter fighting back and not backing down, they stuck up for her and embarrassed the girl so she finally stopped. I framed a picture for her that said, "a strong woman builds a firm foundation with the bricks people throw at her".


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## coachrefparent (Jul 15, 2017)

timbuck said:


> I had an issue with kids on my team (girls) a few years ago.
> *Both accused the other of bullying.  They were both right.  Two strong personalities* that were friends one day and hated each other the next.
> I talked it through with them.  "You don't have to be best friends, but I'm not going to put up with this.  I know you are in school together and I don't want to hear about any issues there either."  It worked for a while.
> I also met with both of the parents separately.  They didn't seem to like each other very much either.
> Eventually one of the girls left the team.


Not a huge deal but this is not "Bullying." The real issue of bullying has been watered down and expanded to include anything negative done by kids to each other. Bullying is generally understood to mean where a stronger kid (real or perceived) consistently taunts, harasses, threatens, or assaults a less strong (mentally or physically) kid, or the same is done by a group.   

"Two strong personalities" ≠ "bullying."


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## Surf Zombie (Jul 15, 2017)

"Two strong personalities" ≠ "bullying."[/QUOTE]

I think this is actually a really important point. 

I watched my daughter integrate into a new team.  She has  a very strong personality and I watched her butt heads with a couple of the established alphas on the team. It certainly took a bit of time to get sorted out.  They often went pretty hard at each other in practice, including a bit of trash talk, which led to some hurt feelings every now and then. 

This is not directed at all to the op of this thread, but I certainly see how a less strong willed kid may not have been comfortable with the back and forth. 

Good news is that once they hit the field for games it all washes away and they support each other. Off the field all 13 girls may not be besties, (there will always be social cliques, especially with girls) but they certainly respect each other, and that had to be earned.


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## chargerfan (Jul 15, 2017)

Surf Zombie said:


> "Two strong personalities" ≠ "bullying."


I think this is actually a really important point.

I watched my daughter integrate into a new team.  She has  a very strong personality and I watched her butt heads with a couple of the established alphas on the team. It certainly took a bit of time to get sorted out.  They often went pretty hard at each other in practice, including a bit of trash talk, which led to some hurt feelings every now and then.

This is not directed at all to the op of this thread, but I certainly see how a less strong willed kid may not have been comfortable with the back and forth.

Good news is that once they hit the field for games it all washes away and they support each other. Off the field all 13 girls may not be besties, (there will always be social cliques, especially with girls) but they certainly respect each other, and that had to be earned.[/QUOTE]



No offense but those sound like some not very nice girls. Like I said earlier I think a lot of parents used "strong willed" to make the bullying sound like it's not really bullying. I have strong willed kids but you will never see them trash talk a member of their team.


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## Bernie Sanders (Jul 15, 2017)

There was a time in this country when kids figured these things out among themselves.
Do you think things are better or worse now that the parents attempt to smooth things out?
Interested in what you people think.


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## JJP (Jul 15, 2017)

Sounds like a nasty situation.  Haven't read all the responses.

I'd first talk to the coach so you don't have to butt heads with another parent.  I'd also talk to the kid and try to get him/her to stand up for himself/herself, because it's best if kids work it out on their own.

If that didn't work, or the experience is preventing your kid from having fun or killing your kids love for the game, switch teams.

I wouldn't get too worked up over kids acting like jerks or point fingers at their parents.  Some kids are difficult personalities, some of them are frustrated because they're not getting the ball enough for their liking, maybe mom or dad is pissed the team is losing.  Both you and your kid are going to have to learn to deal with this if your kid wants to play club soccer.


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## fantasyfutbol (Jul 15, 2017)

Have your kid read Jocko Willink's book "Way of the Warrior Kid" 
If you witness the kids bullying your kid, a quick way to get the necessary attention is to LOUDLY put those kids on the spot and give them an earful, to the point where the coach and those kids parents have to address the situation in the moment.  Have your kid defend himself verbally and physically.  
If you can't do these things, quit competitive soccer. Its not for you or your son. Play AYSO.


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## timbuck (Jul 15, 2017)

Bernie Sanders said:


> There was a time in this country when kids figured these things out among themselves.
> Do you think things are better or worse now that the parents attempt to smooth things out?
> Interested in what you people think.


I remember at the age of 6, a 7 year old beat me up in the neighborhood.   I ran home crying.  My dad didn't run to the parents. He taught me how to fight. Possibly even how to fight dirty if I was feeling tting pummeled. 
I'm not sure if it was better back then or now.


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## NumberTen (Jul 16, 2017)

Bernie Sanders said:


> There was a time in this country when kids figured these things out among themselves.
> Do you think things are better or worse now that the parents attempt to smooth things out?
> Interested in what you people think.


Worse


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## chargerfan (Jul 16, 2017)

NumberTen said:


> Worse


I agree. I have a family member that was bullied heavily as a child. Her parents never intervened and told her to work it out herself. Led to a depression and other issues. Children need an ally and an advocate.


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## Bernie Sanders (Jul 16, 2017)

chargerfan said:


> I agree. I have a family member that was bullied heavily as a child. Her parents never intervened and told her to work it out herself. Led to a depression and other issues. Children need an ally and an advocate.


I agree 100% that parents should be allies and advocates.
I just am not sure if we should fight our kid's battles for them.

Your family member may have developed the same issues, had the parents decided to "protect" instead of taking the "do it yourself" route.
Its hard to say.


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## Bernie Sanders (Jul 16, 2017)

NumberTen said:


> Worse


I tend to agree.
Im sure there are positives and negatives to both approaches, but my personal tilt is toward self determination.


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## chargerfan (Jul 16, 2017)

chargerfan said:


> I agree. I have a family member that was bullied heavily as a child. Her parents never intervened and told her to work it out herself. Led to a depression and other issues. Children need an ally and an advocate.



Crap. I didn't read that post right. I meant "better", not "worse"


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## espola (Jul 16, 2017)

Bernie Sanders said:


> I agree 100% that parents should be allies and advocates.
> I just am not sure if we should fight our kid's battles for them.
> 
> Your family member may have developed the same issues, had the parents decided to "protect" instead of taking the "do it yourself" route.
> Its hard to say.


The kids at Columbine HS sure took care of their bullies.


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## chargerfan (Jul 16, 2017)

I think the best approach is to let the kid handle it first. Sometimes bullies stop once they are shut down, isolated, or just ignored. But if that doesn't work, a parent should most definitely intervene. I care about the mental health of my children as much as the physical health. I mentioned my cousins experience with severe depression due to bullying, and espooa mentioning columbine was obviously an extreme case, but still reality. Children should be able to feel safe and secure at home, school or even soccer practice. 

I don't understand this wish for the good old days. If it was such a good idea to let kids deal with bullies without parental involvement, why are so many adults now in therapy? Alcoholics? On drugs? How many have commited  suicide due to bullying?


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## Bernie Sanders (Jul 16, 2017)

chargerfan said:


> I think the best approach is to let the kid handle it first. Sometimes bullies stop once they are shut down, isolated, or just ignored. But if that doesn't work, a parent should most definitely intervene. I care about the mental health of my children as much as the physical health. I mentioned my cousins experience with severe depression due to bullying, and espooa mentioning columbine was obviously an extreme case, but still reality. Children should be able to feel safe and secure at home, school or even soccer practice.
> 
> I don't understand this wish for the good old days. If it was such a good idea to let kids deal with bullies without parental involvement, why are so many adults now in therapy? Alcoholics? On drugs? How many have commited  suicide due to bullying?


I dont think there is a "best way".
I think all parents should think it through. What they decide is best for their kid is none of my business.
My intent here was not to say that I know what's best, I just wanted to elicit some thought on the subject.
Too often, I see a herd mentality on these matters, when there is usually a strong case to be made for another viewpoint.

I dont think parents protecting their children from bullies will always prevent therapy, or drug abuse later in life, although in some cases it may.
In some cases it will make things worse.

All of us have had to face down a bully or two in our lives, and the realization in that moment, that we can be strong, and defend ourselves, is something you can never give your child.
They need to find it on their own.


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## Bernie Sanders (Jul 16, 2017)

espola said:


> The kids at Columbine HS sure took care of their bullies.


You can do better than this.


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## espola (Jul 16, 2017)

Bernie Sanders said:


> You can do better than this.


Kids took care of their own problems.  Isn't that what you suggested?


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## Bernie Sanders (Jul 16, 2017)

espola said:


> Kids took care of their own problems.  Isn't that what you suggested?


Sure they did.
Just like I suggested.
SMH...


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## espola (Jul 16, 2017)

Bernie Sanders said:


> Sure they did.
> Just like I suggested.
> SMH...


Hoist on your own petard.


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## Lambchop (Jul 16, 2017)

Bernie Sanders said:


> I dont think there is a "best way".
> I think all parents should think it through. What they decide is best for their kid is none of my business.
> My intent here was not to say that I know what's best, I just wanted to elicit some thought on the subject.
> Too often, I see a herd mentality on these matters, when there is usually a strong case to be made for another viewpoint.
> ...


There are plenty of ways to be strong and independent without be bullied.  The level of bullying has escalated to a disturbing level.   Do what is best for your child and don't worry about what anyone else says.


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## Bernie Sanders (Jul 16, 2017)

espola said:


> Hoist on your own petard.


Yeah, you really got me, you crotchety old bully.


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## Bernie Sanders (Jul 16, 2017)

Lambchop said:


> There are plenty of ways to be strong and independent without be bullied.  The level of bullying has escalated to a disturbing level.   Do what is best for your child and don't worry about what anyone else says.


I dont think anyone would ever bully Lambchop.
Not even old sourpuss.


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## socalkdg (Jul 17, 2017)

Anyone watch the way Marta yells at her teammates.   I was surprised.   Yelling to be in specific places, make better passes, etc.  Not a positive player, but sure has a great history.

We had a new girl join our club from another club (only new girl) and I've told my daughter to be nice and make her feel welcome.   Practice Saturday she chose her to work with in pairs.   Sad that this doesn't happen more.  I'm really surprised that the coach hasn't noticed it.   With 12-16 girls practicing, the coach should be a bit more aware.  Be nice if some of the other girls would step up as well.


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## chargerfan (Jul 17, 2017)

socalkdg said:


> Anyone watch the way Marta yells at her teammates.   I was surprised.   Yelling to be in specific places, make better passes, etc.  Not a positive player, but sure has a great history.
> 
> We had a new girl join our club from another club (only new girl) and I've told my daughter to be nice and make her feel welcome.   Practice Saturday she chose her to work with in pairs.   Sad that this doesn't happen more.  I'm really surprised that the coach hasn't noticed it.   With 12-16 girls practicing, the coach should be a bit more aware.  Be nice if some of the other girls would step up as well.


Kudos to you for teaching your daughter to be a good teammate and person.


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