# Need advise...is this the end?



## pitch_perf (Apr 10, 2019)

2 weeks ago,  DD dropped the bombshell that she is miserable, no longer loves soccer, and wants to quit.  I'm seeking advise from the 'been there done that' folks on this board.  

A few contributing factors...
She is a GK.  She plays highest level soccer.  She is 16.  She has nagging injuries common to keepers, the current issue is 'playable' but can't recover or repair without rest.  She has anxiety about games, which is a direct result of recent HS season and a team/coach that destroyed her confidence (team was much lower caliber and coach expected unrealistic things of her due to her high level of play/experience). Anxiety has caused physical and mental decline, which now is the filter through which she sees soccer.  She is seeing a counselor (CBT therapy) and all her doctors (physical and mental) tell her she must take 2+ months off to get her body and mind in a better place before she make a permanent and life changing decision.  She feels torn by her previous love and dedication to her sport, her team, her family, and the countless $ that have been invested in her, but is overwhelmed with her own feelings/fears/hurts/etc.  Oh, and she has a verbal commitment with full ride scholarship to a D1 program in 2 years. She says her body won't last for 6 more years of soccer (2 club then college).  There is truth in that - her current, injured, exhausted body can't.  5+ years of year round soccer with no break (1-2 weeks in summer maybe) have taken a toll.  But 2 years can change a lot, right? 

Any advise or experience in this type of situation?  Is it possible, with therapy, rest, physical and mental recovery, time, and tremendous support, for her to get through this and get back in the net? I know the response is 'it depends on your kid'.  Her happiness is our goal and if this ends up a permanent decision, we fully support it. But it is so hard stepping back while season continues and life changing course changes loom.

BTW, whatever happens, her college selection won't change.  It is the perfect school for her - soccer or not.  

Thanks for comments.  I know sometimes posters on this forum are not always kind, so I respectfully ask for helpful responses


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## OrangeCountyDad (Apr 10, 2019)

well it certainly seems she needs a break, especially if that's what the docs are saying.  I know too many people my own age who didn't rest when they needed it and now as grownups their bodies are falling apart.  What's 2 years now compared to the rest of her life?  I know that's hard to accept as a 16 year old.

What about coaching youngers to stay connected to soccer, continuing with physical therapy/etc, and pick up a new less strenuous sport/activity to keep the mind engaged?


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## Messi>CR7 (Apr 10, 2019)

I don't want to give you some mumble-jumble unhelpful advice since I don't have any experience dealing with a teen daughter.  However, can she get into this dream college of hers without being an athlete?  If so, I would just let her enjoy her HS and college and forget soccer if it's no longer fun (if it were my DD).  She can always walk on again if she gets her passion back.

If she needs soccer to get into her dream school, in actuality you're looking at 3 more years of soccer, not 6 years.  She can quit the team after freshman year.


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## ForumParent (Apr 10, 2019)

Full disclaimer, we haven’t been there done that yet due to age, but boy it sounds like she needs a break (and agree, break first then decide).


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## Grace T. (Apr 10, 2019)

I can only offer sympathy.  Being a GK is tough and sometimes the expectations placed on you are unrealistic and impossible.  He's much younger than yours, but my son has quit twice now only (without pressure from us) get back in there.  The big thing about a goalkeeper is keeping that confidence.  Just look at the story of Joe Hart...if she comes back in before that confidence is back in place the danger is the same thing happens to her.


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## Soccerfan2 (Apr 10, 2019)

Been there both as an athlete myself and as a parent. Follow doctor’s orders and then finish the season to which she is currently committed if there is any left (with whatever level of involvement doctor recommends) because your commitment is to your team. 
Then let her pick her path, for better or worse. Let her own her choices and mistakes and just listen and support them. You can help her understand the difference between quitting because she feels inadequate (temporary and controllable) and quitting because she wants to protect her physical health and/or spend her time doing other things instead. It is absolutely possible that under duress she feels emotions that will subside or change once she’s had a rest. Best of luck to her on all fronts!


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## toucan (Apr 10, 2019)

I speak from experience.  This is her likely soccer future.  Your struggle to keep her involved in soccer will become ever-increasing, and she will resent you if you push too hard.  Even is she is still playing, she will mentally check-out, her attitude will become cancerous, and she will make it impossible for you to keep her in.  She will wear you out and there is nothing you can do about it.

After a break, she will lose the grounding that comes with being on the soccer team.  If she is like other high-performing players, soccer has been the anchor of her social life for the last 5 or 6 years.  She will lose contact with her soccer friends, and they will move on without her.  She will begin to miss it.  Next year she will want to play again.  It may be at a lower level, and she might have lost some of her skills.  This might be a short-term rebound, but she will make her High School team again and they will be glad to have her.  Or, she might get all of her mojo back.  Cross your fingers.

Whether she reclaims all of her competitive fire and college-playing aspirations is more likely a "no" than a "yes."  But she might if you let her find her own path.

If you press too hard, though, she is going to quit anyway, and she will probably never return.


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## 46n2 (Apr 10, 2019)

let her decide, but time off works wonders.....no soccer or mention of it for weeks, then bring it up after 4 weeks, she's not going to go backwards, its our crazy way of thinking that makes us think that......


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## electrichead72 (Apr 10, 2019)

Speaking from my experience, I went through the same thing with my daughter.

She came off a bad HS and club season and along with some non-related medical issues, she was just over it all. She wanted to take a break, and after frequent discussions, we decided it was for the good. She was 15 at the time.

She took 4 months off, rested and got herself in a better place and wanted to go back. She was able to get back into the club team with her friends and had to fight for a spot again, but her head was better and she put in the work.

Sometimes they just need a break from the pressure of always being busy.


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## mirage (Apr 10, 2019)

Your kid sounds just like my next door's daughter some years back.

She gave up soccer (was aspiring to play in college and spent 90% of her free time on the field) at 16, just like your DD.  She was a midfielder and simply got tired of feeling physical pain all the time.  I know because her best friend at the time was my daughter who didn't play sports.  My kid would tell me all the stress and trauma she was going through, in passing, at the time.  You know, kind of stuff kids talk to each other but not to parents or other adults....

Fast-forward to today, she graduated from SD State and just finished law school at UC Hestings.  Just about to or did take the bar exam.  She's getting married and my daughter is her maid of honor.

At the end of the day, life brings many forks on the road and I believe its her dedication to sports that got her though to where she is.  My daughter who didn't play sports is finally in the core of nursing program at U of Idaho, after several false starts.  We are convinced that our son, who is 8 years younger and now playing soccer in college, will finish his undergrad before my daughter will.

So the moral of the story is if she is ready to quit, probably best to listen to her.  She's most likely have learned all the life lessons the game can teach her and have formed solid foundation.  Let her go find a new passion to channel her energy and plow new field...just my thoughts.


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## timbuck (Apr 10, 2019)

pitch_perf said:


> 2 weeks ago,  DD dropped the bombshell that she is miserable, no longer loves soccer, and wants to quit.  I'm seeking advise from the 'been there done that' folks on this board.
> 
> A few contributing factors...
> She is a GK.  She plays highest level soccer.  She is 16.  She has nagging injuries common to keepers, the current issue is 'playable' but can't recover or repair without rest.  She has anxiety about games, which is a direct result of recent HS season and a team/coach that destroyed her confidence (team was much lower caliber and coach expected unrealistic things of her due to her high level of play/experience). Anxiety has caused physical and mental decline, which now is the filter through which she sees soccer.  She is seeing a counselor (CBT therapy) and all her doctors (physical and mental) tell her she must take 2+ months off to get her body and mind in a better place before she make a permanent and life changing decision.  She feels torn by her previous love and dedication to her sport, her team, her family, and the countless $ that have been invested in her, but is overwhelmed with her own feelings/fears/hurts/etc.  Oh, and she has a verbal commitment with full ride scholarship to a D1 program in 2 years. She says her body won't last for 6 more years of soccer (2 club then college).  There is truth in that - her current, injured, exhausted body can't.  5+ years of year round soccer with no break (1-2 weeks in summer maybe) have taken a toll.  But 2 years can change a lot, right?
> ...


Dont' walk away - Run away.  If she is feeling this extreme pressure anxiety to the point where she needs CBT therapy-  Walk away.  If she is spending more time in the doctors office or physical therapists office than she is at the beach or the mall with friends - walk away.

Is it possible that something else besides soccer is causing her some mental health issues?


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## Surf Zombie (Apr 10, 2019)

“Is it possible, with therapy, rest, physical and mental recovery, time, and tremendous support, for her to get through this and get back in the net?”

I had to read that a couple of times. If it has gotten to this point I’d be doing a forced shut down of my child.  I’m not saying end her soccer career, but I would insist, as the parent, that she take months off. When her mind and body are right, then and only then would I get her going again, if she still wanted it.  And most importantly, if she does restart her playing days, fresh start in a healthy environment. Can’t put her back in the same spot with the same coach.  Just mho.


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## full90 (Apr 10, 2019)

Absolutely take a break. Call the college coach and explain where she’s at (she should either make the call or at least be on the call). If the coach is worth his/her salt they will be super supportive. If you’re worried about how they will react PM me and I’ll tell you. (I have a relative in the business). 

Yes a break is fine and yes she could come back from it. Walking away for now doesn’t mean forever. And even if it is a happy kid is worth it. She either takes the break now or quits a few months in at college and that stinks for everyone. 

A wise older person advised us to give our kid a summer break even when the club kept playing. We scheduled 2 vacations in the midst of a month off while the team kept playing. Everyone thought we were crazy. After a month one summer our kid came back actually better than before. 5 weeks the next summer and our kid was even better than everyone else. Not that that’s the goal but there is magic in rest and downtime. Esp with the crush of anxiety these days. Mentally healthy is worth way more than anything else. Best wishes.


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## El Clasico (Apr 11, 2019)

timbuck said:


> Dont' walk away - Run away. Is it possible that something else besides soccer is causing her some mental health issues?


Do you mean like parents pressuring a kid to do something that they hate doing but are afraid to tell their parents? Have seen plenty of that over the years where parents are absolutely clueless about their kids wants and needs and are more focused on using the kid for their own desires.

IMO, the fact that a parent would come on the board asking for advice on how to get a kid in this situation back into the sport tells me a lot.  Otherwise, why would therapy be needed? If a child is done, the child is done. Allow them to go on and use the lessons learned over the years to be competitive in other aspects of life and thrive.  At this point, they are young adults, it has to be what they want or you will mess them up in the head.


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## timbuck (Apr 11, 2019)

“She feels torn by her previous love anddedication to her sport, her team, herfamily, and the countless $ that have been invested in her, but is overwhelmed with her own feelings/fears/hurts/etc. Oh, and she has a verbal commitment with full ridescholarship to a D1 program in 2 years. She says her body won't last for 6 more years of soccer (2 club then college). There is truth in that - her current, injured, exhausted body can't. 5+ years of year round soccer with no break”


This is the portion of the post that got me. 
Of course the kid feels pressure. 
“The money invested in her”-   Stop right there. Has there be a conversation where you had said “Do you realize how much money we have spent on you?”   That’s gotta make a kid feel a ton of pressure.  

“Verbal commitment for a full ride in 2 years”-  why did she commit so early?  A verbal commitment isn’t worth the paper it’s printed on. Are you sure it’s her dream school regardless of soccer?  If she goes there but decides not to play, will she be bummed out when she sees the team practice/play/hang out?   Maybe consider other schools as options - with our without soccer.  

“She says her body won’t last 6 years”-   What kind of injuries has she has?  Bumps or bruises?  Surgeries?  Casts?  Stitches?  
Sure there’s some honor in playing with a little injury. But you don’t want her to be hobbling around at 35 years old just to win a plastic trophy at 17.


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## jpeter (Apr 11, 2019)

I would say the end my friend, a 16yr old should be making their own decisions...


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## Paul Spacey (Apr 11, 2019)

It's a tough situation and of course ultimately your daughter has to be the one to decide.

Forgive my lack of compassion but is the counseling necessary? If someone loves doing something (I mean truly loves it and doesn't just say the word occasionally to keep people happy), they will invariably stick with it through the good times and bad and through injuries in particular.

Once kids reach roughly 14/15 years of age, IMO there are two huge factors that result in them quitting. Firstly, they never truly loved it anyway and played for enjoyment, social reasons etc (no problem with that but having a 'loose' connection with the game means it likely won't last). Second, they haven't improved enough to keep up with the level they are playing at and so the enjoyment of playing naturally dissipates. I see both of these examples often.

This situation and scenario sounds like your daughter is done, at least for now. If she rekindles a desire to play further down the line, she can. For now though, let her rest and enjoy her life without soccer.


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## jayjay (Apr 11, 2019)

Anxiety is a huge issue for many kids these days.  I would not down play that at all.  

At this age, you just need to follow her lead.


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## beachbum (Apr 11, 2019)

My daughter is a keeper and went through the same thing, at about the same age.  She had a horrible club coach that all he did was demean the girls on the team and after two years of that Jacka#$ and year around soccer she was ready to hang it up.  The only thing that kept her going that year was high school because it was about a 10-12 week break from her club coach and it was fun. Thankfully the DA let the girls play high school the first year.  That break got her through the rest of the season.    Once the season ended she only had about a two week break and we told her to shut down completely which she did but after the two weeks she was still in dread mode.  We told her to talk to her new coach who is the director and tell him what's going on.  She did and that conversation with him was fantastic.  He told her take some more time off but to let him know in a few weeks if you will be ready for the first game in just over a month, as you are the only goalie i'm keeping on the team.  He had told her that he went through the same thing and he had taken a few months off and it re-energized him.   His talk with her could not have gone better, it boosted her morale instantly and she felt that he was in her corner and really empathized with her situation.  A week before the first game she went back and haven't heard any quit talk since then.  She is ready to be done with club but she realizes its the path that she has to take to get to where she wants to be, which is to play soccer in college.

Just a couple of quick asides about this,  1. We also had hard a fast rules about quitting mid season, we never let our kids quit anything in the middle of whatever it was they were doing, we always made them finish what they started.  So even though she had these feelings during the season we never gave her the quit option until after the season. 2. she is also a D1 commit and was committed her freshman year. 3. our daughter never seems to get anxious or feels pressure she seems to get more focused the harder the game.  

Obviously handle it how you want but IMO she needs some significant time off to recharge.


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## RedCard (Apr 11, 2019)

I have 14 year old twin keepers ( boy & girl ) so I feel for you. I one thing that you mentioned that I didn’t like was that the HS coach was expecting too much from your daughter since she played on a high level club team, and that’s just not right. My daughter’s club team is one of the top teams for 05 and she also played for her middle school team l. Her club coach really didn’t recommend her to play middle school soccer but wouldn’t mine if she allows stay on her feet, no diving, and stayed in the box ( not challenging anyone 1v1) which she did, and it was painful to watch. It wasn’t fair to her school team that she couldn’t give 100%  but she did it. Some of the parents were upset since they knew her and her team and I had to remain them of her “rules” and that I could pull her if they didn’t like that and they panic more cause there was no 2nd keeper. High school is different of course we’re she can give 100% but that team isn’t very good so it should be interesting next year since that team has 11 seniors including the keeper. But why I’m trying to say is that the high school coach shouldn’t add more pressure cause she the difference in teams seems like night and day. Not her fault that the high school team wasn’t that good. I hope for the best and hope she makes a healthy and full recovery both  physical and mental.


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## oh canada (Apr 11, 2019)

if it's primarily due to her physical injuries, the time off is a no brainer.  let her feel normal/well/healthy again for months, not just days or weeks.

if it's primarily due to her a$$ coach, still take some time off but maybe shorter and ask her (don't suggest or tell) if she'd want to do some occasional training with a coach, private trainer, team or other that she enjoys when the timing is right.  By all means, never play for that coach again.  There are A LOT of coaches out there -- including successful ones with tournament or national championships -- who are awfully insecure and sap the confidence from their players.  Then it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy too.  Often it's younger coaches who don't have kids themselves.

If she does play in college, are you sure that the coach there has the right disposition for your daughter?  I would keep that in mind if she decides to return to the game.  Best to you and her!


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## AFC (Apr 11, 2019)

There is a big difference between ..... I think I don't want to play soccer anymore.....or.....Screw this! I'm done playing! 
Which one was it? If it's the second one, then it's time to hang up the cleats....and gloves.


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## forksnbolts (Apr 11, 2019)

Goalkeeping is such a high stress position. Practice, private training, camps, etc. sometimes it seems like it is never ending. There is also loads of constant pressure on you to make all the right moves.

My advice would be: take the doctors recommended time off to let the body heal, at the same time the mind will get some time to think things out and heal as well. 

P.S. the pressure from the coaches to be like De Gea 24/7 is a real thing. My nephew is constantly struggling with his confidence because he gets no praise from any of his club coaches for clutch saves, but the second a goal goes in they are on his butt for letting it in.


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## G03_SD (Apr 11, 2019)

Did committing play a factor in her love for soccer? Getting a full ride is really awesome, but is it bringing on pressure? Would she still want to go to that college w/o soccer?


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## ChalkOnYourBoots (Apr 11, 2019)

AFC said:


> There is a big difference between ..... I think I don't want to play soccer anymore.....or.....Screw this! I'm done playing!
> Which one was it? If it's the second one, then it's time to hang up the cleats....and gloves.


Anxiety is no joke.  It doesn't usually lead to either of these statement.  It causes something more like "I really want 'to want to' play (not a typo) and I can't figure out why it feels like my chest is about to explode." So removing yourself from the trigger often relieves the anxiety,  but the real goal is to learn ways to manage it.

One way that may help manage it is for the person to learn that they have the power to turn off the anxiety by making their own decision about exposing themselves to that stimulus.
Just knowing that you are safe to pull the rip cord and remove yourself from the stimulus if it becomes too great is sometimes enough for someone to control the anxious feelings. It can be hard to talk about. I remember a day when my 12u son couldn't get out of the car to play a regular season baseball game. Most days he would live to play, but this day he was convinced he was having a heart attack. We ended up secretly watching from the outfield parking lot.
The next day we sat down with his coach to apologize for his absence and explain his situation.  His coach's eyes got wide and he explained his wife also sometimes suffers from anxiety.  He gave my son a signal that he could use at anytime to let his coach know when he just didn't feel right and his coach would get him off the field immediately, no matter what.  Just knowing that he had the power to stop the feeling by giving his coach the signal was enough to get him back on the field... and in two years he has never felt the need to use the signal.  Just knowing he had the control to stop the stimulus if it came back seems to have been enough to keep it at bay.
Obviously,  we got lucky that the coach was knowledgeable and familiar. Most coaches won't have the experience or the
It sounds like your daughter needs a break, and hopefully that will give her a sense that she is in charge, which for some people is a really important part of managing anxiety.
Good luck!1


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## blam (Apr 11, 2019)

It is my believe that passion needs cultivation. It doesn't just happen.

Yes, many things initially spark joy.

However, for the joy to develop into passion, it needs to be cultivated. Development of initial joy into a lifelong passion doesn't just happen randomly.


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## gauchosean (Apr 11, 2019)

My son was younger when he decided he didn't want to play anymore. Was an amazing keeper but I think the things he couldn't control stressed him out. Took up tennis and loved it, started too late to play D1 college but plans to club tennis in college. Spent way more time on academics and ended up getting a lot more money for grades than he would have ever gotten for soccer. He is happy and it all worked out. My suggestion is let her take the time off, heal up and see if she misses it.


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## pitch_perf (Apr 11, 2019)

G03_SD said:


> Did committing play a factor in her love for soccer? Getting a full ride is really awesome, but is it bringing on pressure? Would she still want to go to that college w/o soccer?


 She was estatic when she committed this summer, and came back from the ID camp (2 weeks before the offer came) just in love with the coaches, program, college, and playing top of her game.  She still loves all that, it's just soccer she isn't in love with.  When things changed during HS season, she internalized the pressure of how she was feeling with the pressure of being committed and having a full ride scholarship at stake.  And yes, we recently visited the college and the second she stepped on campus, she said this is the school for her, soccer or not.  With her 4.2+ GPA, she can get academic $ hopefully, which will help.  It just added to her stress knowing that as a family, we discussed shifting our finances to support the high costs of club soccer knowing she was on a scholarship path.  It is impossible to keep kids in the dark about the financial obligations of both supporting the sport and planning for college.  Yes, we likely made mistakes by making the finances of our family discussion.  Blame that on us, but I don't know how many people would not mention the financial factor if the decision a 16 year old is making involves the price tag attached to a 4 year college education that needs to be reconsidered.  That said, we have discussed options if that ends up to be the result and we are proud that she has the GPA, test scores, and work ethic to get scholarships.  Thanks for your support.


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## pitch_perf (Apr 11, 2019)

ChalkOnYourBoots said:


> Anxiety is no joke.  It doesn't usually lead to either of these statement.  It causes something more like "I really want 'to want to' play (not a typo) and I can't figure out why it feels like my chest is about to explode." So removing yourself from the trigger often relieves the anxiety,  but the real goal is to learn ways to manage it.
> 
> One way that may help manage it is for the person to learn that they have the power to turn off the anxiety by making their own decision about exposing themselves to that stimulus.
> Just knowing that you are safe to pull the rip cord and remove yourself from the stimulus if it becomes too great is sometimes enough for someone to control the anxious feelings. It can be hard to talk about. I remember a day when my 12u son couldn't get out of the car to play a regular season baseball game. Most days he would live to play, but this day he was convinced he was having a heart attack. We ended up secretly watching from the outfield parking lot.
> ...


This is exactly why she is focusing on CBT and talking with a therapist about her anxiety.  This is about more than soccer.  It's about life...how she thinks, feels, processes and resolves stress is a life skill that she will face in every chapter of life:  school, relationships, work, children, etc.  She is focused now on how she feels about soccer, her body, and ability (and fear/anxiety about not being the 'best of the best' when she gets to college).  Whatever happens, we are supporting her and giving her the tools to understand the root cause, be equipped with ways to handle it, so she is prepared for life.  She is and has been the most stable, self motivated and responsible kid I know for her age.  I appreciate your comments about giving her a way to feel in control.  She is such a high achiever, I honestly think the fear of making mistakes, not being the 'best', or having 'the best' not come as easily as she is used to (as it is with pretty much everything in her life up to this point) is a fear factor for her and the crux of her anxiety.  But that is for her therapist to figure out    But as someone on the board said, you have to cultivate passion.  Happiness can be fleeting and situational, but joy is the expression of passion and present even when things are challenging.  I want her to be joyful in all circumstances, not just when she is happy. Thank you for your support and best of luck to your son too!


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## Definitelynotanotherref (Apr 11, 2019)

pitch_perf said:


> 2 weeks ago,  DD dropped the bombshell that she is miserable, no longer loves soccer, and wants to quit.  I'm seeking advise from the 'been there done that' folks on this board.
> 
> A few contributing factors...
> She is a GK.  She plays highest level soccer.  She is 16.  She has nagging injuries common to keepers, the current issue is 'playable' but can't recover or repair without rest.  She has anxiety about games, which is a direct result of recent HS season and a team/coach that destroyed her confidence (team was much lower caliber and coach expected unrealistic things of her due to her high level of play/experience). Anxiety has caused physical and mental decline, which now is the filter through which she sees soccer.  She is seeing a counselor (CBT therapy) and all her doctors (physical and mental) tell her she must take 2+ months off to get her body and mind in a better place before she make a permanent and life changing decision.  She feels torn by her previous love and dedication to her sport, her team, her family, and the countless $ that have been invested in her, but is overwhelmed with her own feelings/fears/hurts/etc.  Oh, and she has a verbal commitment with full ride scholarship to a D1 program in 2 years. She says her body won't last for 6 more years of soccer (2 club then college).  There is truth in that - her current, injured, exhausted body can't.  5+ years of year round soccer with no break (1-2 weeks in summer maybe) have taken a toll.  But 2 years can change a lot, right?
> ...


As someone who quit baseball and just aged out of soccer, I completely understand. I almost quit soccer too. It was getting to the point for both sports that the overly-competitiveness as I went up in level started to affect me mentally. I was a goalie too, so mental is a HUGE factor. It got to the point where I wasn't having as much fun making the saves and was rather, feeling pressured that if I didn't make the save or made a mistake, then my entire teams chances of moving up a division would be ruined. We were the 2nd place team with 3rd hot on our heels, so it got to the point where out of 10 games I realistically could not make a single mistake because our offense wasn't that amazing. It was exhausting, draining, and mostly unrealistic.

Long story short, I took a break, and then rejoined a lower level team. I did U19 rec my senior year and ended up re-finding my love for the game. It doesn't have to be rec, it could be low level Presidio, indoor, or something else. Something to take that monumental weight off of you for a bit. And then you will again get the competitive edge to join a team where all the weight is on you again once you have the confidence.


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## Sheriff Joe (Apr 11, 2019)

El Clasico said:


> Do you mean like parents pressuring a kid to do something that they hate doing but are afraid to tell their parents? Have seen plenty of that over the years where parents are absolutely clueless about their kids wants and needs and are more focused on using the kid for their own desires.
> 
> IMO, the fact that a parent would come on the board asking for advice on how to get a kid in this situation back into the sport tells me a lot.  Otherwise, why would therapy be needed? If a child is done, the child is done. Allow them to go on and use the lessons learned over the years to be competitive in other aspects of life and thrive.  At this point, they are young adults, it has to be what they want or you will mess them up in the head.


Every situation and every kid is different, mine wanted to quit last year and I made her finish the season, team went out of state and now she is very happy with her decision to stay. 16 year old girls might not always know what's best for themselves, that's why they have parents.


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## 310 (Apr 12, 2019)

pitch_perf said:


> She was estatic when she committed this summer, and came back from the ID camp (2 weeks before the offer came) just in love with the coaches, program, college, and playing top of her game.  She still loves all that, *it's just soccer she isn't in love with.*


There's your answer. It's ok for her to walk, but YOU need to accept that yourself and then help her understand that. At her age and with these circumstances, this isn't "life changing", it's just another step in life.

She can always change her mind but let her make the decision and figure it out.


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## Not_that_Serious (Apr 12, 2019)

Paul Spacey said:


> It's a tough situation and of course ultimately your daughter has to be the one to decide.
> 
> Forgive my lack of compassion but is the counseling necessary? If someone loves doing something (I mean truly loves it and doesn't just say the word occasionally to keep people happy), they will invariably stick with it through the good times and bad and through injuries in particular.
> 
> ...


Teenager + Teenager Experience + Anxiety = Real Problem. 
That whole take is dangerous. It dismisses a real medical condition. A condition that cause kids, now even at earlier ages, to kill themselves. This concept of "True Love" somehow being a guiding light through anything is illogical. Real life has an infinite amount of conditions that factor into how we function minute-by-minute - only takes a couple minutes of cloudy judgement to come to a dramatic, unhealthy conclusion. Most teenagers lack the experience to deal with certain stress (especially pressure of meeting expectations) and it is only compounded with mental/physical issues. I would 100% have her take a break. Most people try to rationalize the thoughts of child (or an adult) suffering from mental issues using their healthy brain - which is truly a disservice to that individual. Going to a counselor or a psychiatrist is a logical and responsible thing to do - it can also prove life-saving. Most people would not understand unless they have seen mental illness up close on a daily basis - or maybe do not have children of their own. 

I dont know if you are just trying to be Old School, I fairly Old School as well, but this issue isn't binary as you propose.


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## Paul Spacey (Apr 12, 2019)

Not_that_Serious said:


> Teenager + Teenager Experience + Anxiety = Real Problem.
> That whole take is dangerous. It dismisses a real medical condition. A condition that cause kids, now even at earlier ages, to kill themselves. This concept of "True Love" somehow being a guiding light through anything is illogical. Real life has an infinite amount of conditions that factor into how we function minute-by-minute - only takes a couple minutes of cloudy judgement to come to a dramatic, unhealthy conclusion. Most teenagers lack the experience to deal with certain stress (especially pressure of meeting expectations) and it is only compounded with mental/physical issues. I would 100% have her take a break. Most people try to rationalize the thoughts of child (or an adult) suffering from mental issues using their healthy brain - which is truly a disservice to that individual. Going to a counselor or a psychiatrist is a logical and responsible thing to do - it can also prove life-saving. Most people would not understand unless they have seen mental illness up close on a daily basis - or maybe do not have children of their own.
> 
> I dont know if you are just trying to be Old School, I fairly Old School as well, but this issue isn't binary as you propose.


I'm not sure you needed to go down the "killing themselves" route but I understand the shock factor intention to make your point. You do make some good points that I'm not going to argue with. Fair play to you. My response was soccer-related, that's all. Your advice of "I would 100% have her take a break" was pretty much the advice I also gave btw, just to be clear.

As coaches, we have a massive responsibility to help our young players through tough times (like those described by the OP) and I personally spend a huge amount of time doing this with the 120+ individuals at my club. However (and this is very important), if someone doesn't truly 'love' playing soccer (and that love is cultivated over time), eventually they will drop out of the game, no matter how much money you invest, no matter how much you encourage them or no matter how many therapists you take them to.

The constant talk of time and money invested, which league is the best, bullshit 'Elite' clubs and competitions, College pathways, pressure to get a scholarship and all the rest of the broken-system crap I hear every day (and that kids have to listen to constantly)...is it really any wonder that they drop out in droves?!

Putting aside this specific case, based on what I have seen and heard for the past 5 years now, a huge number of people involved in club soccer (parents and coaches) could do with a massive dose of old school values. The kids we coach and parent will benefit from it.


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## vivamexico (Apr 12, 2019)

pitch_perf said:


> 2 weeks ago,  DD dropped the bombshell that she is miserable, no longer loves soccer, and wants to quit.  I'm seeking advise from the 'been there done that' folks on this board.
> 
> A few contributing factors...
> She is a GK.  She plays highest level soccer.  She is 16.  She has nagging injuries common to keepers, the current issue is 'playable' but can't recover or repair without rest.  She has anxiety about games, which is a direct result of recent HS season and a team/coach that destroyed her confidence (team was much lower caliber and coach expected unrealistic things of her due to her high level of play/experience). Anxiety has caused physical and mental decline, which now is the filter through which she sees soccer.  She is seeing a counselor (CBT therapy) and all her doctors (physical and mental) tell her she must take 2+ months off to get her body and mind in a better place before she make a permanent and life changing decision.  She feels torn by her previous love and dedication to her sport, her team, her family, and the countless $ that have been invested in her, but is overwhelmed with her own feelings/fears/hurts/etc.  Oh, and she has a verbal commitment with full ride scholarship to a D1 program in 2 years. She says her body won't last for 6 more years of soccer (2 club then college).  There is truth in that - her current, injured, exhausted body can't.  5+ years of year round soccer with no break (1-2 weeks in summer maybe) have taken a toll.  But 2 years can change a lot, right?
> ...


Your daughter is lucky to have a father like you. The worst mistake parents can make their kid play. Yeah it's fine to ask why, to question them, but at age 15/16 the decision is theirs. I think any parent who forces their kid to play has never played the game has never played at a competitive level. And therapy is the best way to get them to a decision, because the parent is not in the room and the kid gets to decide for themselves. And, more importantly, if a parent is not allowing their kid to quit, it's because they can't see their life without their kid playing. So their own issues are clouding the situation. In 2 years if the kid goes off to school, is the parent going to remote control them or allow them to grow up? It doesn't matter what happens now, she's checked in, you're checked in. It's a loss to imagine your kid not playing, but whatever happens is ok as long as they get to make the decision.


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## Not_that_Serious (Apr 12, 2019)

It wasn’t for shock.  I would have posted images if I wanted to do that. To me mental illness isn’t about talking points or a game.  My oldest son just had his friend picked up two weeks ago after threatening to shoot the school up - not on the news because school district and police swept it under the rug. The kid told my son and other friends he felt this way due to the expectations placed on him. I’m old school but not inflexible. Yes, don’t let kids quit, work hard, no excuses but life isn’t a hardline in the sand. Some expectations are not realistic - as my son’s friend had to have straight As only, no minuses, after school studying, music and had food taken away as punishment. My friend’s kid’s best friend just hung himself last month - that was on the news. Kid was erratic, had mental issues, which he tried to have admins/parents help with but they cared more to sweep it under the rug and ignore the kid had issues. That kid also made terrorist threats, but never reported on the news. These kids will not only hurt themselves but often threaten to hurt others. I have kids with mental issues - anxiety and nervousness often can cause them to lash out. Over the last 6 years, after experience with my own kids I notice a lot of kids playing with mental issues that are ignored by their parents. These kids usually tend to drop out of soccer sooner since their attention span is limited. Yes, usually parents aren’t helpful. Could be they are ignorant to their child’s condition or they plain want to ignore it. One problematic child’s parent once told me they knew their child had “some issues” but still up to the coach to improve them. Insane. Most people don’t have the experience to handle these kids and a mistake to treat them like other kids. On a human level, I’d hope most people/coaches would want to help these kids, but some do have the mentality that its not part of what they get paid for. The responsibility is on the parent but coaches need to improve awareness. It isn’t simple.

I agree money and time shouldn’t be a consideration.  Extreme expectations need to be tempered. Parents posting about their kids mental issues can take a lot of effort. It also means they really are looking for solid support/advice and it’s been weighing on their minds.


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## Paul Spacey (Apr 12, 2019)

Not_that_Serious said:


> It wasn’t for shock.  I would have posted images if I wanted to do that. To me mental illness isn’t about talking points or a game.  My oldest son just had his friend picked up two weeks ago after threatening to shoot the school up - not on the news because school district and police swept it under the rug. The kid told my son and other friends he felt this way due to the expectations placed on him. I’m old school but not inflexible. Yes, don’t let kids quit, work hard, no excuses but life isn’t a hardline in the sand. Some expectations are not realistic - as my son’s friend had to have straight As only, no minuses, after school studying, music and had food taken away as punishment. My friend’s kid’s best friend just hung himself last month - that was on the news. Kid was erratic, had mental issues, which he tried to have admins/parents help with but they cared more to sweep it under the rug and ignore the kid had issues. That kid also made terrorist threats, but never reported on the news. These kids will not only hurt themselves but often threaten to hurt others. I have kids with mental issues - anxiety and nervousness often can cause them to lash out. Over the last 6 years, after experience with my own kids I notice a lot of kids playing with mental issues that are ignored by their parents. These kids usually tend to drop out of soccer sooner since their attention span is limited. Yes, usually parents aren’t helpful. Could be they are ignorant to their child’s condition or they plain want to ignore it. One problematic child’s parent once told me they knew their child had “some issues” but still up to the coach to improve them. Insane. Most people don’t have the experience to handle these kids and a mistake to treat them like other kids. On a human level, I’d hope most people/coaches would want to help these kids, but some do have the mentality that its not part of what they get paid for. The responsibility is on the parent but coaches need to improve awareness. It isn’t simple.
> 
> I agree money and time shouldn’t be a consideration.  Extreme expectations need to be tempered. Parents posting about their kids mental issues can take a lot of effort. It also means they really are looking for solid support/advice and it’s been weighing on their minds.


Very good points again and I appreciate your perspective given your experiences you describe. Nobody looking for help should be ignored, we can all agree on that.


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## Simisoccerfan (Apr 16, 2019)

My dd had the dreaded I am going to quite discussion with us when she was 16.  She felt this way for several months.  We told her to take her time on making such a decision and we would support her regardless.   Meanwhile she moved clubs and teams and found a group of girls that she loves.  This rekindled her passion for soccer.  Suddenly she would go on the rare off day of practice and shoot with her teammates.  And her level of play increased exponentially.   Now she is fighting with all of her heart to recover from her ACL surgery.   It would be easy to quite but there is no quite in her now.   Word of advice, things constantly change with 16 year olds.


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## Supermodel56 (Apr 19, 2019)

pitch_perf said:


> 2 weeks ago,  DD dropped the bombshell that she is miserable, no longer loves soccer, and wants to quit.  I'm seeking advise from the 'been there done that' folks on this board.
> 
> A few contributing factors...
> She is a GK.  She plays highest level soccer.  She is 16.  She has nagging injuries common to keepers, the current issue is 'playable' but can't recover or repair without rest.  She has anxiety about games, which is a direct result of recent HS season and a team/coach that destroyed her confidence (team was much lower caliber and coach expected unrealistic things of her due to her high level of play/experience). Anxiety has caused physical and mental decline, which now is the filter through which she sees soccer.  She is seeing a counselor (CBT therapy) and all her doctors (physical and mental) tell her she must take 2+ months off to get her body and mind in a better place before she make a permanent and life changing decision.  She feels torn by her previous love and dedication to her sport, her team, her family, and the countless $ that have been invested in her, but is overwhelmed with her own feelings/fears/hurts/etc.  Oh, and she has a verbal commitment with full ride scholarship to a D1 program in 2 years. She says her body won't last for 6 more years of soccer (2 club then college).  There is truth in that - her current, injured, exhausted body can't.  5+ years of year round soccer with no break (1-2 weeks in summer maybe) have taken a toll.  But 2 years can change a lot, right?
> ...


It really sounds like she just needs a break. The pressure she feels is likely coming from multiple sources - including herself - and even if not verbally from her parents, kids know your expectations and/hopes and can sense it. It frankly can be very stress inducing and overwhelming. 

I recently saw this video on Kobe Bryant where in his first appearance at the McDonalds All star camp he did absolutely horrible, scored zero pts, etc... at the end of the game, he said his dad came up to him, put his arm around and just said, “ya know, whether you score 60 or zero, I still love you the same.” Nothing else. He said that really set the foundation for him... and from there on instead of being driven by outside pressure to perform, he was driven by internal desire to be the best. 

The difference is, she needs to get to a point where she’s out there because she wants to be the best player she can be and stop giving a shit what anyone else has to say - including her high school coach. It’s a level of confidence and security that she’s loved/accepted no matter what that frees her to be herself and make mistakes, but also play fearlessly and without anxiety - that’s when you play your best.

And that’s where you come in... I can tell in the tone of your OP that you’re anxious about where this is going to end up, what about her commits, how much has been invested... there’s a lot of anxiety you have as a parent (naturally so) - and I can also tell you’re doing your best to be positive and supportive. but you need to be the rock and put your game face on to model what confidence looks like - and believe it yourself that all will be ok. She needs to know that you know no matter how she plays/if she plays, everything is going to be fine. If she loses the scholarship, everything will be ok. If ends up at a different school, everything will be ok. And it will.

So let her take a break if she needs - not just for the sake of taking a break, but so she can realize that everything will be ok if she does. Don’t position it as if you take a break that’s the end all be all - even if she ends up not getting to play HS anymore because the coach is a jackass, she can still play club somewhere next year. It will help remove a huge weight off her shoulders and the side benefit is you’ll be surprised how much faster her body will heal from the reduced stress.


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## msoccerm (Apr 20, 2019)

great advice supemodel56


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## pitch_perf (Apr 22, 2019)

Supermodel56 said:


> It really sounds like she just needs a break. The pressure she feels is likely coming from multiple sources - including herself - and even if not verbally from her parents, kids know your expectations and/hopes and can sense it. It frankly can be very stress inducing and overwhelming.
> 
> I recently saw this video on Kobe Bryant where in his first appearance at the McDonalds All star camp he did absolutely horrible, scored zero pts, etc... at the end of the game, he said his dad came up to him, put his arm around and just said, “ya know, whether you score 60 or zero, I still love you the same.” Nothing else. He said that really set the foundation for him... and from there on instead of being driven by outside pressure to perform, he was driven by internal desire to be the best.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your great post.  You hit the nail on the head in every respect...she is an over achiever in every way - since she was little she succeeded in everything she did with little effort - music, academics, sports, friendships, etc.  What has happened over the past few months is an internal switch where she is become more concerned with how what she does (or how successful she is) is perceived by others.  The comments I've been hearing ("I'm going to have to work for a starting spot (on the college team) because they brought in another keeper who is better", or "I am a slow runner and I don't know if I can even pass all the D1 physical tests") reveal to me that her fears and doubts about the future are impacting her current physical and mental capabilities.  Those thoughts are driving her decisions and will be Until/If/When she decides the end goal is worth the fight.  As you said SHE has to want to be the best and not worry about what others say.  Although soccer (being a gk) has been the most tangible example, she has also said she worries about "letting others down" - even "minor" things like backing out of a baby sitting job (because she was sick) or having to change plans with a friend due to a schedule conflict and the friend getting upset.  I honestly think she is working through how her sense of responsibility is being prioritized based on how others will feel rather than by doing what is best for herself/what she knows is right.  

Being a teenager is so hard - I could never have managed the expectations and demands she is facing.   She has told me so many examples of kids with similar pressures that are making bad choices (drinking, smoking, etc.) and still wearing the mask of 'having it all together'.  I'm proud of the courage it took for her to talk about her anxiety and making hard choices to prioritize her health and well being - even though it is really, really hard to take a break from soccer (I'll be honest, more for me right now just knowing it means she is missing so much both as a teammate but also in staying engaged in the game).  But that's what she needs to get mentally and physically healthy.  You are right - for me, the anxiety is not knowing if she will come out of this break ready and willing to give it another shot, or if she is ready to hang up her cleats permanently.  She is done with high school soccer - that's a no brainer.  Her club team is awesome - and they all support her unconditionally (a couple wish they could do what she is doing but they aren't committed yet so this is 'their time' to shine).  The club directors are the ones who encouraged her to take a break (coach gets it too, but he doesn't get the mental anxiety part).  

She WILL be OK and we will support her whatever happens - she absolutely knows that.  She is 100% sure the college she is verbally committed to is her college of choice - it is the perfect fit academically, spiritually (it's a Christian university) and athletically.  I just hope that she is able to overcome the doubts and mental 'done-ness' she feels right now and be open to seeing the long term benefits of working through the challenges, getting stronger physically and mentally, and accepting that there are so many benefits of playing college sports that will enhance her college experience.  Thank you so much for your post - it really helped me feel better


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