# Losing the fire? or just a phase?



## growingpains (Sep 25, 2017)

I guess in general this is more a parenting question than solely soccer, but I noticed lately that my DD (younger - <11) hasn't really been giving 100% in her games and practices. I asked her what was going on and she said that the league games don't matter that much. To me that's complete BS and she has always been a fierce competitor. She does love soccer and never complains about going to practice, extra trainings etc and afterwards whenever I ask, she says she really enjoyed it and had fun - in fact, she'll often ask to stay after practice to work on stuff she learned. but I noticed that she isn't taking it as seriously (or as focused) as she used to be during practices and games. 

She used to completely dominate her opponents and be a standout player (and we're talking just a month or so ago) and now you can tell she's laying off. One time we were talking about another player that was just phenomenal (not on our team) and her response was that, "yeah, but nobody likes her".  So I'm wondering if this is why... Ever since she started acting this way, the other girls on the team have been more receptive to her... 

I know that talent at this age level doesn't really mean that much and all bets are off when they hit puberty. Honestly, if we didn't feel she had potential, we'd readily help her find her "thing" elsewhere - but she's got the footskills, speed, and smarts to potentially be very good if she sticks with it. 

Sorry for the rambling message, but I guess my question is, for those who've been through it - did you kid ever go through a phase like this?  How did you coach them through it? Should we worry about it or just let her be? Her behavior is starting to effect her "Standing" on the team - no longer starting, etc...   When I push her on it, she gets upset when I imply that if she doesn't start busting her ass, we're not signing her up again next year. (Probably not the best approach) Is she just trying to fit in? and if so, how do we address this?

Any sincere help appreciated!


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## coachrefparent (Sep 25, 2017)

My guess, merely from your post, is that she doesn't like all the soccer as much as you do,  _because_ you like it a lot more than she does, and you push her, and you send her to extra practices that you think she likes because she tells you so to please you, but really doesn't;  and that she tells you her feelings, and you think it's B.S; and you threaten her with not signing her up next year because she is not living up to your ideal of a 10 year old busting their ass. 

In other words the same reasons all kids burn out. Leave her alone, stop micromanaging her life, and let her play. She'll determine where she fits, and she may even  regain the fire you doused. 

Of course it may not be you at all, but simple pre-teen social dynamics. But I doubt this is the main issue.


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## pooka (Sep 25, 2017)

of course all girls ebb and flow in skill, but to deliberately hold back would raise a red flag for me. some time off after this season may be a good thing. Ask her what she wants to do without threatening her. We begin every season with a discussion of if this is really how my DD wants to spend her time. if so cool, lets do it. if not, no hard feelings.


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## boomer (Sep 25, 2017)

Interesting dilemma. Sounds like this may be more about being accepted by her peers. Some of the girls on the team might've felt like she was showing them up and somehow communicated that to her either directly or indirectly. 

I see you're new to the forum. God help you. Others here will jump at the chance to call you out as an over-bearing parent who's "micromanaging" and "burning out" and "dousing" her fire. Funny how everyone has everyone else figured out based solely on a request for opinions. Of course it is possible you're "that parent", but we can give you benefit of the doubt here for now.

If you are keeping those tendencies (which many of us have) in check, then I would recommend giving her space and time as well. Easier said than done. She's so young still. Probably just trying to figure out who she is and what's important to her - being a top player or having more friends. Hopefully things fall into place for her and she figures out how to have both.


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## Mystery Train (Sep 25, 2017)

growingpains said:


> I guess in general this is more a parenting question than solely soccer, but I noticed lately that my DD (younger - <11) hasn't really been giving 100% in her games and practices. I asked her what was going on and she said that the league games don't matter that much. To me that's complete BS and she has always been a fierce competitor. She does love soccer and never complains about going to practice, extra trainings etc and afterwards whenever I ask, she says she really enjoyed it and had fun - in fact, she'll often ask to stay after practice to work on stuff she learned. but I noticed that she isn't taking it as seriously (or as focused) as she used to be during practices and games.
> 
> She used to completely dominate her opponents and be a standout player (and we're talking just a month or so ago) and now you can tell she's laying off. One time we were talking about another player that was just phenomenal (not on our team) and her response was that, "yeah, but nobody likes her".  So I'm wondering if this is why... Ever since she started acting this way, the other girls on the team have been more receptive to her...
> 
> ...


You'll get no shortage of parenting advice on this forum.   

From 11-14 is a span where so much is changing for the girls, it made my head spin trying to figure it all out.  The social dynamic of a team is a HUGE factor at this age (more so than boys) and will have an inordinate affect on your DD's engagement.   The best advice I could give is for you to just be as supportive as you can and help her constantly define and re-define what success means FOR HER.   If success for her is enjoying her time playing on the team, being a decent bench player and improving her skills and staying physically fit, then great!  Don't let the pressure of "she could be really good if only . . . " start to dictate decisions about playing.  Encourage her to try some other sports, not as a punishment for lack of effort in soccer, but just to see what she thinks.  At this age, withdrawing a little bit from guiding her and letting her make decisions will be very rewarding in the long run for both of you.    

I also noticed at that age my kid stopped responding positively to my well intention-ed guidance about her performance/training.  Before 12, she would beg me to take her out and show her things and work with her on skills, and gradually after that, all my input became a source for arguments until I learned that she was beginning to take control of her own development and my role had shifted into cheerleader/ice-cream provider/parent instead of "coach/CEO of development."   Which is the way it should be anyway. 

Good luck!


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## MakeAPlay (Sep 25, 2017)

Mystery Train said:


> You'll get no shortage of parenting advice on this forum.
> 
> From 11-14 is a span where so much is changing for the girls, it made my head spin trying to figure it all out.  The social dynamic of a team is a HUGE factor at this age (more so than boys) and will have an inordinate affect on your DD's engagement.   The best advice I could give is for you to just be as supportive as you can and help her constantly define and re-define what success means FOR HER.   If success for her is enjoying her time playing on the team, being a decent bench player and improving her skills and staying physically fit, then great!  Don't let the pressure of "she could be really good if only . . . " start to dictate decisions about playing.  Encourage her to try some other sports, not as a punishment for lack of effort in soccer, but just to see what she thinks.  At this age, withdrawing a little bit from guiding her and letting her make decisions will be very rewarding in the long run for both of you.
> 
> ...


@Mystery Train is 100% spot on for most kids.  #GREATADVICE!!!


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## Bananacorner (Sep 25, 2017)

Mystery Train said:


> You'll get no shortage of parenting advice on this forum.
> 
> From 11-14 is a span where so much is changing for the girls, it made my head spin trying to figure it all out.  The social dynamic of a team is a HUGE factor at this age (more so than boys) and will have an inordinate affect on your DD's engagement.   The best advice I could give is for you to just be as supportive as you can and help her constantly define and re-define what success means FOR HER.   If success for her is enjoying her time playing on the team, being a decent bench player and improving her skills and staying physically fit, then great!  Don't let the pressure of "she could be really good if only . . . " start to dictate decisions about playing.  Encourage her to try some other sports, not as a punishment for lack of effort in soccer, but just to see what she thinks.  At this age, withdrawing a little bit from guiding her and letting her make decisions will be very rewarding in the long run for both of you.
> 
> ...


Agree 100%, but you forgot chauffer and gear-carrying sherpa


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## The Driver (Sep 25, 2017)

growingpains said:


> I guess in general this is more a parenting question than solely soccer, but I noticed lately that my DD (younger - <11) hasn't really been giving 100% in her games and practices. I asked her what was going on and she said that the league games don't matter that much. To me that's complete BS and she has always been a fierce competitor. She does love soccer and never complains about going to practice, extra trainings etc and afterwards whenever I ask, she says she really enjoyed it and had fun - in fact, she'll often ask to stay after practice to work on stuff she learned. but I noticed that she isn't taking it as seriously (or as focused) as she used to be during practices and games.
> 
> She used to completely dominate her opponents and be a standout player (and we're talking just a month or so ago) and now you can tell she's laying off. One time we were talking about another player that was just phenomenal (not on our team) and her response was that, "yeah, but nobody likes her".  So I'm wondering if this is why... Ever since she started acting this way, the other girls on the team have been more receptive to her...
> 
> ...


Take a break 

It may be just not talking about soccer

On the way home

On the way to

On the way there

Take a break


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## Chalklines (Sep 25, 2017)

growingpains said:


> When I push her on it, she gets upset when I imply that if she doesn't start busting her ass, we're not signing her up again next year.


You obviously want this more then your daughter. Her drive and effort is telling you to back off. Making threats about not signing her up again was probably the worst thing you could have done. 

Have you spoke with the coach? 

Nothings wrong at this age taking a solid week or two off and just let your daughter be a kid. No ball, no soccer and no training. Ask her what she wants to do and where she wants to go. Take her places and talk to her about everything EXCEPT SOCCER.......

Be a dad and stop trying to coach. Make sure you have a reality check with your self about just how talented you think your girl is. Perception is not always reality.


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## etc1217 (Sep 25, 2017)

Up to now, I still ask my DD, "do you still love the game and want to play?"  And she is almost 17 yrs old and she is still playing.

At that young age, there is a lot of social issues going on.  Take a step back and give your DD some space. She will eventually come around to telling you what she wants or what is wrong.  Just be supportive right now, she is still young and doesn't need the pressure of "you gotta be a starter."  She still has time if that's what she really wants to do.


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## Bananacorner (Sep 25, 2017)

I'll tell you, my daughter is older than yours, and she still isn't always in it to win it.  Its very frustrating for her coach and teammates at times, but it is just something she is going to have to fix (or not fix) on her own.  She has period where she absolutely kills it -- the coaches get excited, she is absolutely unstoppable (often in practices or scrimmage situations).  Then a week or two later (often in a game situation), she is like a different person.  Sometimes she just plays well, sometimes she goes so far to play poorly and sits the bench.  Coach tries to get her moving but its like she has lead in her feet and all of her creativity and spunk is missing.  For example, she was recently doing very well in practices, and a coach from an older team observed her and wanted her to play up in a game when his team was short.  She went to the game and it was not good.  Thankfully, the coach didn't play her much so she didn't negatively impact the game.

Sometimes I think maybe she is just a kid who doesn't really want to "stand out."  She wants to blend in and just be one of the players -- not the best, not the worst.  She doesn't want the pressure of being the kid everyone is counting on to win the game.  That may (or may not) be just who she is.  What I try NOT to do is think "what if?  If only! how can I change her?" because we've been through that and it isn't helpful for anyone.  I have engaged her about what she wants from the sport, and she says she wants to be ultra competitive, but sometimes actions speak louder than words.  And that's ok.  I tell her whatever she decides to do with the sport is ok with me (but she has to play some sport -- no sitting at home all day). As Mystery T says, utimately it is up to her and there is nothing a parent can do.  Sure parents can try and push, push, push, withhold their approval, make it the most important thing in the relationship.  But I don't think any one of us wants to be "that" parent.

Lots of good advice on here about letting her take some time, maybe try another sport, and see how things progress.  The extra time won't matter in the long run.


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## timbuck (Sep 25, 2017)

When was the last time she had a real break?
How many of her teammates go to the same school?  What is her best friend in to?
Is she missing school social stuff because of soccer practice or games?
(And probably way to young for this -  But where is she in the puberty phase?  12 year olds get the period and it takes a toll.  And she probably does NOT want to talk about this with her dad).


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## MWN (Sep 25, 2017)

growingpains said:


> ...One time we were talking about another player that was just phenomenal (not on our team) and her response was that, "yeah, but nobody likes her".  So I'm wondering if this is why... Ever since she started acting this way, the other girls on the team have been more receptive to her...


You have just identified the difference between boy and girl athletes.  There is a saying among coaches that goes:

_Boys have to win to feel good
Girls have to feel good to win_​
As you daughter gets older the social element is that much more important.  What her teammates think and how they treat her are so much more important to a girl than a boy.  Watch the girls when one scores ... they all come in for a group hug.  The boys?  The scorer runs up the field basking in his own glory, a few high fives but no group hug.

What your daughters teammates think about her is so much more important today as it was last week.


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## Multi Sport (Sep 25, 2017)

growingpains said:


> I guess in general this is more a parenting question than solely soccer, but I noticed lately that my DD (younger - <11) hasn't really been giving 100% in her games and practices. I asked her what was going on and she said that the league games don't matter that much. To me that's complete BS and she has always been a fierce competitor. She does love soccer and never complains about going to practice, extra trainings etc and afterwards whenever I ask, she says she really enjoyed it and had fun - in fact, she'll often ask to stay after practice to work on stuff she learned. but I noticed that she isn't taking it as seriously (or as focused) as she used to be during practices and games.
> 
> She used to completely dominate her opponents and be a standout player (and we're talking just a month or so ago) and now you can tell she's laying off. One time we were talking about another player that was just phenomenal (not on our team) and her response was that, "yeah, but nobody likes her".  So I'm wondering if this is why... Ever since she started acting this way, the other girls on the team have been more receptive to her...
> 
> ...


All four of my kids played club and yes, they all went through it. Had I known then what I know now, well I still wouldn't change a thing. 

I instituted the 10 minute rule. Basically you have ten minutes to discuss the good, bad of their performance post game. Your kid must give their undivided attention so no headphones or looking out the car window. Engage your kid in the conversation, ask them what THEY think they did well or poorly.  But when the ten minutes are up you're done. 

I could tell you stories about my Dad leaving my sister at the park and making her walk home. And believe me, to this day she will tell you that pushing her was the right thing to do for her.

But each kid is unique and it's up to us parents to find out the best way to lead them. 

Good luck. I'm sure whatever you do will be in the best interest of your daughter.


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## Round (Sep 25, 2017)

You people sure do write.

I was you once.  Kid was really good, probably better than more than most, but there was something missing.  She wasn't the only one, there were a couple of others I knew just like her.  All better than almost all the others but that wasn't enough.  

The only way to know if all the time and effort and money and anger is worth it is if you know your kid really wants to do this.  So much that the kid doesn't care what other kids think when they don't pass, shoot when they shouldn't and that they think they are better than everyone else, even when they aren't.


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## SoccerFan4Life (Sep 26, 2017)

During soccer season, I tell them that they need to give it 100% and that we can decide if they want to do something new at the end of the season.

Once the season is over, I give them their break (no camps, no private trainers, we can skip some practices). Basically December we take it easy and we take it easy in July.
This worked for one of my kids that still plays in High School.  The other one quit and moved on to another sport.   My third one is ready to quit and he is only 9 years. I am not pushing him as I did my older kids.  He will be trying out other sports in the spring and then decide if he wants to play soccer in the fall.

The problem that I have with club sports is that this is *now* becoming a year long commitment and how can you not expect for most kids to want to quit by they time they get to teenage years.   

 Club soccer should start in August and end during the 2nd week of December.  Give everyone  6 weeks off through 1st week of February.    Start in mid  in February through last week of May. Then give them June & July off.    

At the very least they should have this rule with the U littles and flight 3 and flight 2 teams.


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## Deadpoolscores! (Sep 26, 2017)

growingpains said:


> I guess in general this is more a parenting question than solely soccer, but I noticed lately that my DD (younger - <11) hasn't really been giving 100% in her games and practices. I asked her what was going on and she said that the league games don't matter that much. To me that's complete BS and she has always been a fierce competitor. She does love soccer and never complains about going to practice, extra trainings etc and afterwards whenever I ask, she says she really enjoyed it and had fun - in fact, she'll often ask to stay after practice to work on stuff she learned. but I noticed that she isn't taking it as seriously (or as focused) as she used to be during practices and games.
> 
> She used to completely dominate her opponents and be a standout player (and we're talking just a month or so ago) and now you can tell she's laying off. One time we were talking about another player that was just phenomenal (not on our team) and her response was that, "yeah, but nobody likes her".  So I'm wondering if this is why... Ever since she started acting this way, the other girls on the team have been more receptive to her...
> 
> ...


There maybe a possible chance that she plateau amongst her peers and needs a new challenge or something different. If her team constantly wins or play at a level that doesn't seem challenging then the feel that what the point? It's normal for players  to lose that spark and need something new...perhaps new team, new level, new coach,


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## charlie murphy (Sep 26, 2017)

Maybe, stop trying to figure out what's going on. Talk to you daughter and  Ask a simple question "what' s up ....." maybe she will give you a better answer than anyone on this forum. I f you push you will get push back , you both lose. good luck


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## Buddhabman (Sep 26, 2017)

Club soccer should start in August and end during the 2nd week of December.  Give everyone  6 weeks off through 1st week of February.    Start in mid  in February through last week of May. Then give them June & July off.   

At the very least they should have this rule with the U littles and flight 3 and flight 2 teams.[/QUOTE said:
			
		

> I agree, It becomes a drag for some kids on one hand. However for the kids that soccer is their thing, they will play all year long.  High level socccer is virtually year around. The pros get the shortest break in all of pro sports.


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## growingpains (Sep 26, 2017)

Thanks everyone for the feedback. It's exactly why I posted, the last thing I wanted to do was burn her out - yeah, threatening to not sign her up again next year probably didn't help things but it was in the heat of the moment. Gotta remember that cooler heads prevail. That said, I did notice a change in her determination and what I interpreted as work ethic. She just changed to a new team and well, they're all a little more laid back - on the one hand, it's good because it takes the pressure off a little bit, but at the same time, it makes me nervous that they aren't as serious and it rubs off on her.

She wants to play and I know she'd tell me if she didn't want to play anymore. It was never the case with soccer - she truly loves to play, there is rarely a time I see her around the house without a ball at her foot (and I'm the one who has to tell her to stop kicking it against the cabinets/walls, etc..), anytime I'm watching soccer, she comes down to watch with me and she's in awe when she sees amazing plays. She's actually disappointed when I tell her we had to cancel her private training due to scheduling.

Lately, she's been getting frustrated really easily. On a school project, she gave up after trying for just 1 min, threw down her pencil, and was in tears - this was something I knew she could figure out if she put her mind to it. There are other examples, but this whole soccer thing started when I noticed her lack of aggressiveness - so I thought I'd be positive and try to incentivize her by offering to take her to buy this thing she's wanted for a while (with her own savings) if she scored a goal. (She's an attacking midfielder/forward) She flipped out and said I haven't scored in a long time and I'm never going to score a goal!

Anyhow, so yesterday, after school instead of our usual routine, I decided to take her out to a cafe, she picked out a drink and snack, and we just sat and talked. I asked her about how school was going and she told me it was good and started talking about the dynamic between her friends and how she feels left out sometimes because she chose an elective she really wanted to do, but all her friends chose another one together. She didn't regret it, but it made her a little sad that nobody went with her. She said soccer was going fine and that she really enjoyed it and liked her team. I apologized for coming down on her yesterday and just listened. Turns out, she was upset because she felt like she was trying - she admitted it wasn't her best. I asked why, and she said, it's hard and she didn't think she could do it (score/beat her defender)  so instead of risking losing the ball, she'd just pass to a teammate. (and they were good passes - didn't lose possession). It was really good understanding what was going through her head. We had to leave to go to practice and I just encouraged her to not be afraid to mess up and just try and practice. She worked her tail off in practice this time and even though she lost the ball now and then, I saw that fearlessness again! Hopefully it'll stick.

As I think about it now, I think she just needed some encouragement and a boost in confidence. She's a perfectionist and I think she really just didn't want to disappoint/mess up. She's mostly been ahead of her peers and now she's being challenged where things don't come as easy anymore. she probably feels too much pressure on her to lead the team and doesn't want to let them down. (our fault) I probably should start focusing on encouraging her to take more risks and stop pointing out "opportunities for improvement" altogether. I don't get upset at her or make her feel bad about the mistakes she makes, but we do talk about those in our short post game debriefs (which cover both positive and negative) - and I think it's sending the wrong message. Honestly, it makes me nervous because it's so counter-intuitive right? Like, I think back and go, man, it would've been so much easier if someone had just told me what I was doing wrong so I could fix it... but I guess that's part of life, figuring things out yourself and the process is equally important. sigh.

Anyhow, thanks all for the therapy session and advice - ha! This parenting thing is the real deal, helluva lot tougher than it looks. Will let you know how the weekend goes...


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## Mystery Train (Sep 26, 2017)

growingpains said:


> Thanks everyone for the feedback. It's exactly why I posted, the last thing I wanted to do was burn her out - yeah, threatening to not sign her up again next year probably didn't help things but it was in the heat of the moment. Gotta remember that cooler heads prevail. That said, I did notice a change in her determination and what I interpreted as work ethic. She just changed to a new team and well, they're all a little more laid back - on the one hand, it's good because it takes the pressure off a little bit, but at the same time, it makes me nervous that they aren't as serious and it rubs off on her.
> 
> She wants to play and I know she'd tell me if she didn't want to play anymore. It was never the case with soccer - she truly loves to play, there is rarely a time I see her around the house without a ball at her foot (and I'm the one who has to tell her to stop kicking it against the cabinets/walls, etc..), anytime I'm watching soccer, she comes down to watch with me and she's in awe when she sees amazing plays. She's actually disappointed when I tell her we had to cancel her private training due to scheduling.
> 
> ...


Yep!  I can tell from this post that you and your DD are going to be fine.  Good job, parent!  Try to enjoy the ride.  

P.S.  The frustration thing with the pencil slamming and goal incentive?  Been there.  100%.  Hormones, man.  Hormones.  Don't worry.  It'll get better . . . but it'll get worse first!


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## coachrefparent (Sep 26, 2017)

growingpains said:


> Thanks everyone for the feedback. It's exactly why I posted, the last thing I wanted to do was burn her out - yeah, threatening to not sign her up again next year probably didn't help things but it was in the heat of the moment. Gotta remember that cooler heads prevail. That said, I did notice a change in her determination and what I interpreted as work ethic. She just changed to a new team and well, they're all a little more laid back - on the one hand, it's good because it takes the pressure off a little bit, but at the same time, it makes me nervous that they aren't as serious and it rubs off on her.
> 
> She wants to play and I know she'd tell me if she didn't want to play anymore. It was never the case with soccer - she truly loves to play, there is rarely a time I see her around the house without a ball at her foot (and I'm the one who has to tell her to stop kicking it against the cabinets/walls, etc..), anytime I'm watching soccer, she comes down to watch with me and she's in awe when she sees amazing plays. She's actually disappointed when I tell her we had to cancel her private training due to scheduling.
> 
> ...


I thinkyou are still missing the point a bit. Most advice was to take astep away from soccer and just talk about her being her. You started this post this way, but then when she told you about a social issue at schol with her friends and elective, and told you "She said soccer was going fine and that she really enjoyed it and liked her team.", you went off the deep end again and focused on soccer. 

Leave it alone. Don't focus on anything related to soccer. You are a helicopter parent. Don't encourage her. Don't analyze her game. Leave it alone.  P.S. Did I say leave it alone?


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## mirage (Sep 26, 2017)

growingpains said:


> I guess in general this is more a parenting question than solely soccer, but I noticed lately that my DD (younger - <11)....


When I first read this, my cynical take was that this story was written to gain parents take on the situation for some survey or another post elsewhere. Its your first post and this is what you post??  Honestly, 10yrs old kid.  Keep it real.

Knowing that many people that post here on regular basis would take the story, "hook line and sinker" and run with it, I waited to see what the responses are like (wasn't disappointed - as expected) and see if the OP (you) would actually follow up to see if its real.

After reading your 2nd post, I guess its real but still not 100% convinced but I'm probably tainted after being on this forum for several years.

All that said, I don't have a daughter playing soccer but I do have a daughter who is now 26 and recall her personality change and emotional swings about 10~11 yrs old.  What I didn't know at the time was that she was starting to go through puberty and being a guy, WTF do I know....

So sounds like she is your first child and this is all new.  Its most likely has nothing to do with soccer but all to do with growing up and life happening to the child.

Enjoy the ride.....


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## Soccer_newbie (Sep 26, 2017)

At first I though OP was my husband.  It's so eerily familiar including the second post by OP.  Puberty and hormones does a lot to girls this age.  For mine, it was a lot of changes all at once.  Different school from where all her elementary school friends are, junior high, tougher school subjects (as opposed to elementary where things came fairly easy to her), new team (her old team disbanded), making new friends being she's the new kid in the "school".  We just all have to realize that these are trying times for maturing girls.  The body and emotional changes can really affect some.  Just step back a little and let her figure things out for herself.  Don't push too hard that she'll resent you.


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## Bananacorner (Sep 26, 2017)

Soccer_newbie said:


> At first I though OP was my husband.  It's so eerily familiar including the second post by OP.  Puberty and hormones does a lot to girls this age.  For mine, it was a lot of changes all at once.  Different school from where all her elementary school friends are, junior high, tougher school subjects (as opposed to elementary where things came fairly easy to her), new team (her old team disbanded), making new friends being she's the new kid in the "school".  We just all have to realize that these are trying times for maturing girls.  The body and emotional changes can really affect some.  Just step back a little and let her figure things out for herself.  Don't push too hard that she'll resent you.


Eerily familiar isn't it?  I remember freaking out when this first started happening -- watching her go from confident beast mode 100% of the time to a jogging question mark on the field.  Patience...


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## growingpains (Sep 26, 2017)

Bananacorner said:


> Eerily familiar isn't it?  I remember freaking out when this first started happening -- watching her go from confident beast mode 100% of the time to a jogging question mark on the field.  Patience...


Thanks all. Mystery Train, Soccer_newbie... So did yours ever grow out of the "slump"? And how did the coaches respond? Did any of go on to play at a high level? Or was this it?  Did beast mode ever return?

I hear all the time about kids burning out (yes, she's our first), puberty knocking kids out of the game, etc...  maybe i'm just trying to mentally prepare myself for the day she decides she doesn't want to do it anymore - or can't. Not that it would ultimately matter or change how i feel about her - I still think she's an amazing kid no matter what, but there would be a part of me that'd be really sad. It's so much fun watching her play (although incredibly stressful sometimes). I don't mind the drives, I don't mind the trainings, I honestly don't even care if they win or lose. I know life would go on, but it's been one hell of a ride so far and hope it doesn't end. But yeah, it's like you want/hope for her to be able to reach her potential right? I'd hate for her to feel like, I coulda done this... you know? I know there were choices I made when I was young that significantly impacted/limited my opportunities - which is why I get all concerned about it.

Oh yeah, forgot to mention, so after that great talk yesterday and her playing fearlessly, afterwards, she came up to me all excited and proud that she scored a goal in practice, telling me how the play unfolded... I told her great job! but joked, "just one?" dammit. Totally smacking myself. Why am I like this? I swear, there are nights I can't sleep thinking about things I've said to her that I regret.


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## Soccer_newbie (Sep 26, 2017)

growingpains said:


> Thanks all. Mystery Train, Soccer_newbie... So did yours ever grow out of the "slump"? And how did the coaches respond? Did any of go on to play at a high level? Or was this it?  Did beast mode ever return?
> 
> I hear all the time about kids burning out (yes, she's our first), puberty knocking kids out of the game, etc...  maybe i'm just trying to mentally prepare myself for the day she decides she doesn't want to do it anymore - or can't. Not that it would ultimately matter or change how i feel about her - I still think she's an amazing kid no matter what, but there would be a part of me that'd be really sad. It's so much fun watching her play (although incredibly stressful sometimes). I don't mind the drives, I don't mind the trainings, I honestly don't even care if they win or lose. I know life would go on, but it's been one hell of a ride so far and hope it doesn't end. But yeah, it's like you want/hope for her to be able to reach her potential right? I'd hate for her to feel like, I coulda done this... you know? I know there were choices I made when I was young that significantly impacted/limited my opportunities - which is why I get all concerned about it.
> 
> Oh yeah, forgot to mention, so after that great talk yesterday and her playing fearlessly, afterwards, she came up to me all excited and proud that she scored a goal in practice, telling me how the play unfolded... I told her great job! but joked, "just one?" dammit. Totally smacking myself. Why am I like this? I swear, there are nights I can't sleep thinking about things I've said to her that I regret.


I'm living it right now.  Treading the waters just like you.  I can't say we haven't done some of the things you have mentioned because we have and we're trying to learn and grow from it, me and my husband not just our daughter. So I'm trying to step back and let her become more independent and figure it out for herself.  As much as I would hate for her to stop playing, I don't want to be the reason that she is playing.  She needs to play because SHE wants to play.  

However, I have to admit that I am not taking the same approach with school.  She's in advance classes and she complains that it is hard and a lot of work.  Her grades don't show it though, she's not struggling, she's actually acing.  She's just become a little lazy or more like it's not coming as easily to her and she doesn't want to put in the extra effort.  So I'm a little tougher with school as compared to soccer.


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## chargerfan (Sep 26, 2017)

growingpains said:


> Thanks all. Mystery Train, Soccer_newbie... So did yours ever grow out of the "slump"? And how did the coaches respond? Did any of go on to play at a high level? Or was this it?  Did beast mode ever return?
> 
> I hear all the time about kids burning out (yes, she's our first), puberty knocking kids out of the game, etc...  maybe i'm just trying to mentally prepare myself for the day she decides she doesn't want to do it anymore - or can't. Not that it would ultimately matter or change how i feel about her - I still think she's an amazing kid no matter what, but there would be a part of me that'd be really sad. It's so much fun watching her play (although incredibly stressful sometimes). I don't mind the drives, I don't mind the trainings, I honestly don't even care if they win or lose. I know life would go on, but it's been one hell of a ride so far and hope it doesn't end. But yeah, it's like you want/hope for her to be able to reach her potential right? I'd hate for her to feel like, I coulda done this... you know? I know there were choices I made when I was young that significantly impacted/limited my opportunities - which is why I get all concerned about it.
> 
> Oh yeah, forgot to mention, so after that great talk yesterday and her playing fearlessly, afterwards, she came up to me all excited and proud that she scored a goal in practice, telling me how the play unfolded... I told her great job! but joked, "just one?" dammit. Totally smacking myself. Why am I like this? I swear, there are nights I can't sleep thinking about things I've said to her that I regret.


First of all, ten year olds are not "beast mode". 

Secondly, there is nothing you can do. Either she wants to play, or she doesn't. Either she works hard, or she doesn't. Either she becomes a starter again, or she doesn't. As she is going through puberty, the best thing you can do is put soccer on the back burner and just be a parent. You will drive yourself crazy if you try to understand the mind of a hormonal middle schooler. This is the time to worry about her mental, emotional and physical health, not her "soccer career".


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## growingpains (Sep 26, 2017)

For those interested, here's more follow up - today she had her speed training. On our way there, I apologized for joking that she only scored one goal yesterday and told her that I really was proud of her. She gave me a dirty look and smiled. We get to the training, OMG, she busted her ass out there. So much so that she basically lapped all the other kids and even then she never let up, only pushed harder - I wish i got it on video, it was crazy. Afterwards, as we were about to leave, the speed coach pulled her aside and spoke with her for what seemed like 5 mins. She later told me that he said he was proud of her and to never be ashamed of giving your 100%. If the other kids are slow, that means they need to work harder, not that she needed to pull back. He told her to never doubt herself. She also told me she wanted to barf during the workout, but smiled when she said it, so I assumed she was fine, heh.

WTH?! Talk about perfect timing! I hadn't spoken to him at all about what we had been going through - he had no clue.  Will have to thank him. She was all smiles and giddy on the way home and couldn't wait to tell her mom. 

Feeling pretty blessed right now, but who knows where this roller coaster is going to lead us next! Practice tomorrow...


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## Keepermom2 (Sep 27, 2017)

growingpains said:


> Thanks everyone for the feedback. It's exactly why I posted, the last thing I wanted to do was burn her out - yeah, threatening to not sign her up again next year probably didn't help things but it was in the heat of the moment. Gotta remember that cooler heads prevail. That said, I did notice a change in her determination and what I interpreted as work ethic. She just changed to a new team and well, they're all a little more laid back - on the one hand, it's good because it takes the pressure off a little bit, but at the same time, it makes me nervous that they aren't as serious and it rubs off on her.
> 
> She wants to play and I know she'd tell me if she didn't want to play anymore. It was never the case with soccer - she truly loves to play, there is rarely a time I see her around the house without a ball at her foot (and I'm the one who has to tell her to stop kicking it against the cabinets/walls, etc..), anytime I'm watching soccer, she comes down to watch with me and she's in awe when she sees amazing plays. She's actually disappointed when I tell her we had to cancel her private training due to scheduling.
> 
> ...


I have been going through the same thing with my 11 year old and have talked to other parents with the same age child and the same issue.  They were all in a year ago busting their butt with success and we jumped on board.  Then the ship changed course.  I think I have come to the conclusion their brain is significantly changing and all of the sudden fear of failure is taking hold.  Pushing without pushing is what I think is required right now.  LOL  They need to learn how to overcome that fear of failure for life reasons and not necessarily because they need to excel at soccer.  Right now soccer is just the teaching mechanism to do it.  Sounds like you have a great relationship with your daughter and good for you for taking the time to listen to her!  Best to you!


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## growingpains (Sep 27, 2017)

Keepermom2 said:


> I have been going through the same thing with my 11 year old and have talked to other parents with the same age child and the same issue.  They were all in a year ago busting their butt with success and we jumped on board.  Then the ship changed course.  I think I have come to the conclusion their brain is significantly changing and all of the sudden fear of failure is taking hold.  Pushing without pushing is what I think is required right now.  LOL  They need to learn how to overcome that fear of failure for life reasons and not necessarily because they need to excel at soccer.  Right now soccer is just the teaching mechanism to do it.  Sounds like you have a great relationship with your daughter and good for you for taking the time to listen to her!  Best to you!


Thanks for this. I agree, I don't think a completely hands off approach is the answer. my personal sense as I'm going through this is they desperately want, need our support and help, and yet at the same time are feeling pressure from peers and their natural development to be independent. Fear of failure or inadequacy seems to be a common topic and I have to wonder if it's because they see how mean some kids can be to others at school. I noticed her talking about how her friends gossip about so and so, so if anyone fails or does something stupid everyone will know about it. 

I mean look at this thread, I ask an honest question and people automatically assume I'm like this crazy parent that forces her to play soccer - which I don't. I felt pretty attacked by some and so why would people want to stick their necks out there? 

In our case I knew something was wrong and I couldn't quite figure it out. I never yelled at her about her performance and tried encrouaging her, etc... but she never let on. It wasn't until recently where it came to a head and she was really starting to just get frustrated really easily and to me it became clear it wasn't a lack of desire by any means, but a confidence and fear of failure issue. I think she knew she wasn't meeting her expectations and I'm sure she felt like she was t meeting ours.

I didn't catch it at the time, but for the school project, in the midst of her crying she was begging me to help her (I wouldn't because I wanted her to figure it out), after yelling at her about her lack of effort and threatening to not sign her up for soccer next year, near the end she said, well maybe we can strategize how I can play better! And I blew it and I yelled back, the strategy is to give 100% there is no other strategy! In other words I just told her to work harder, when she already was. 

Deescalating the situation and having that talk - and really just listening and letting her lead the conversation helped tremendously. She wanted to tell me all that stuff, we just never had time because we're always rushing from one thing to the next. I assumed she was losing interest in soccer when that wasn't the case at all. She was just afraid she wasn't good enough to play this sport she loved so she stopped taking risks which led to her even "poorer" performance or lack of influence on the game.

I dunno, I certainly don't have this all figured out but that's where I feel things are with us right now and what my learnings are so far. I can honestly say that 45 mins of just daddy daughter time was the best time spent and I'm going to try to do that more regularly. Hell I should probably be setting these times up with my wife too, hah! 

Really appreciate all the comments in this group!


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## LBSoccer (Sep 27, 2017)

Bananacorner said:


> I'll tell you, my daughter is older than yours, and she still isn't always in it to win it.  Its very frustrating for her coach and teammates at times, but it is just something she is going to have to fix (or not fix) on her own.  She has period where she absolutely kills it -- the coaches get excited, she is absolutely unstoppable (often in practices or scrimmage situations).  Then a week or two later (often in a game situation), she is like a different person.  Sometimes she just plays well, sometimes she goes so far to play poorly and sits the bench.  Coach tries to get her moving but its like she has lead in her feet and all of her creativity and spunk is missing.  For example, she was recently doing very well in practices, and a coach from an older team observed her and wanted her to play up in a game when his team was short.  She went to the game and it was not good.  Thankfully, the coach didn't play her much so she didn't negatively impact the game.
> 
> Sometimes I think maybe she is just a kid who doesn't really want to "stand out."  She wants to blend in and just be one of the players -- not the best, not the worst.  She doesn't want the pressure of being the kid everyone is counting on to win the game.  That may (or may not) be just who she is.  What I try NOT to do is think "what if?  If only! how can I change her?" because we've been through that and it isn't helpful for anyone.  I have engaged her about what she wants from the sport, and she says she wants to be ultra competitive, but sometimes actions speak louder than words.  And that's ok.  I tell her whatever she decides to do with the sport is ok with me (but she has to play some sport -- no sitting at home all day). As Mystery T says, utimately it is up to her and there is nothing a parent can do.  Sure parents can try and push, push, push, withhold their approval, make it the most important thing in the relationship.  But I don't think any one of us wants to be "that" parent.
> 
> Lots of good advice on here about letting her take some time, maybe try another sport, and see how things progress.  The extra time won't matter in the long run.


You just described my daughter to the T! Frustrating for us parents for sure but it all worked out in the end. Hang in there and let them enjoy the game for as long as they want.


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## Eagle33 (Sep 27, 2017)

growingpains said:


> Thanks for this. I agree, I don't think a completely hands off approach is the answer. my personal sense as I'm going through this is they desperately want, need our support and help, and yet at the same time are feeling pressure from peers and their natural development to be independent. Fear of failure or inadequacy seems to be a common topic and I have to wonder if it's because they see how mean some kids can be to others at school. I noticed her talking about how her friends gossip about so and so, so if anyone fails or does something stupid everyone will know about it.
> 
> I mean look at this thread, I ask an honest question and people automatically assume I'm like this crazy parent that forces her to play soccer - which I don't. I felt pretty attacked by some and so why would people want to stick their necks out there?
> 
> ...


This is only the beginning. Wait till she goes to HS and whole lot of other things come into play


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## growingpains (Sep 27, 2017)

Eagle33 said:


> This is only the beginning. Wait till she goes to HS and whole lot of other things come into play


Oh God help me.


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## growingpains (Sep 27, 2017)

Ok, so I do actually have one more question... for those of you who had kids go through this and took a break from soccer - did they ever return to the sport? 

I guess the related question would be, for those who completely backed off - how did it turn out - were they able to figure it out themselves? or did they eventually find something else?

I'm just curious because while i'm perfectly fine if she doesn't love the sport anymore, I don't want her to just give up because she feels challenged only to start over somewhere else and have to learn the same lesson.


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## Mystery Train (Sep 27, 2017)

growingpains said:


> Thanks all. Mystery Train, Soccer_newbie... So did yours ever grow out of the "slump"? And how did the coaches respond? Did any of go on to play at a high level? Or was this it?  Did beast mode ever return?
> 
> I hear all the time about kids burning out (yes, she's our first), puberty knocking kids out of the game, etc...  maybe i'm just trying to mentally prepare myself for the day she decides she doesn't want to do it anymore - or can't. Not that it would ultimately matter or change how i feel about her - I still think she's an amazing kid no matter what, but there would be a part of me that'd be really sad. It's so much fun watching her play (although incredibly stressful sometimes). I don't mind the drives, I don't mind the trainings, I honestly don't even care if they win or lose. I know life would go on, but it's been one hell of a ride so far and hope it doesn't end. But yeah, it's like you want/hope for her to be able to reach her potential right? I'd hate for her to feel like, I coulda done this... you know? I know there were choices I made when I was young that significantly impacted/limited my opportunities - which is why I get all concerned about it.
> 
> Oh yeah, forgot to mention, so after that great talk yesterday and her playing fearlessly, afterwards, she came up to me all excited and proud that she scored a goal in practice, telling me how the play unfolded... I told her great job! but joked, "just one?" dammit. Totally smacking myself. Why am I like this? I swear, there are nights I can't sleep thinking about things I've said to her that I regret.


It is tough, but like I said, and as evidenced by the last couple posts, you're on the right track.  

I can ramble, but you asked for it . . . 
My kid is in HS now and playing at a very high level.  She has college soccer in her sights, and I expect that will happen, but the question will be at what level and at what cost/benefit.  That's impossible to know yet.  But at your kids' point, you've got two big hurdles to clear.  The first one is exactly what you're addressing here and that is how to parent a pre-teen/teenage girl.  And it that is gonna be HARD no matter how good you are as a parent and no matter how good a kid she is.  

My player was our second daughter.  My eldest was (in other areas) even more talented and more physically gifted than our soccer player.  When she hit this point in life and gradually through HS, her road diverged away from pursuing excellence in the area of her most amazing talent.  And that was tough to watch.  But her personality changed and developed, and she simply wanted to live her own life to her own priorities, and committing to hours and hours of dedicated practice and competition just simply didn't turn her on.  She still participated in those things, but just not to the level that she could have given her ability.  But here's the thing, she had the time of her life in HS and she's turned out to be an AMAZING adult.  She's got her shit together and started college with enough credits to qualify as a sophomore at a fantastic academic school, her top choice.  At some point, I had to let her live her life and not dictate what success meant to her.  If we'd pushed her to keep grinding on that one thing, she wouldn't be where she is today, and we would probably not have the relationship that we do.

Our younger daughter hit that point, and it was definitely a question from time to time if we should keep her going or not.  But she always answered that question in the end.  And now she's elevated her play even more in the past year or so.   Two different kids, same parenting approach, two different outcomes.  So there's no way to predict right now if your daughter will or will not be playing at a high level in three or four years or even still playing the sport at all...there are just too many variables. 

The most important lesson I learned besides trusting them and letting them take the reigns, was to manage my own expectations.  Go watch some U17 games at a big tournament (like the one in Vegas) and just marvel at the sheer numbers of amazing athletes.  Then go watch some small college games (NAIA or Juco) then watch a Div 1 college game or two.  You'll be overwhelmed at how many really, really good players are out there and it puts it in perspective. If you've been thinking somewhere in your mind that your kid is a National Team prospect or a Div 1 full-ride scholarship player, do yourself a favor and forget it.  If any of that happens, it will happen because of factors largely out of your control.  And what my player and I have learned is that those goals are not necessarily the best outcome for everyone anyway.  We know a college player and a couple of semi-pro women's players who are pretty miserable with their current situations, even though they've reached levels that most parents and players only dream about.  But there's like 6 women in the world (if that) who could make their entire life's earnings off of playing soccer, so what the hell good is any of that on its own?  "Excellence" or "elite level" in playing a game don't mean anything if she's unhappy or unfulfilled.   That's #1 priority, and don't forget it.  Soccer is just a great way for her to learn life lessons, develop confidence, and learn what it means to commit to something and work at it.  And an amazing place for you and her to form life-long memories and bond.   Everything beyond that is gravy.


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## The Driver (Sep 27, 2017)

You and your dd know your course 

Plain and easy


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## LBSoccer (Sep 27, 2017)

growingpains said:


> Ok, so I do actually have one more question... for those of you who had kids go through this and took a break from soccer - did they ever return to the sport?
> 
> I guess the related question would be, for those who completely backed off - how did it turn out - were they able to figure it out themselves? or did they eventually find something else?
> 
> I'm just curious because while i'm perfectly fine if she doesn't love the sport anymore, I don't want her to just give up because she feels challenged only to start over somewhere else and have to learn the same lesson.


My daughter didn't take a break technically, we found a team that suited her better. After a few years she tried to get back on a more competitive team and there were setbacks including lots of you didn't make it at tryouts and/or bench. At this point it really was up to her to get back on that field. She kept at it and after 2 years she still didn't get a starting spot so she switched teams again for her senior year in high school. She played full games and was loving her "final year"of soccer. When she went to her college open house she tried out for the soccer team and made it. She knew what she was facing as a freshman and how hard she would have to work for it. She is happy with the minutes she is getting on her college team and I believe all the No's, you didn't make it, You are an alternate helped her mentally prepare for how hard she would have to work for it and earn it if she really wanted it.  
We just enjoy the show and are thankful that she is still out there doing what I now know she loves.


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## Chalklines (Sep 27, 2017)

chargerfan said:


> First of all, ten year olds are not "beast mode".
> 
> Secondly, there is nothing you can do. Either she wants to play, or she doesn't. Either she works hard, or she doesn't. Either she becomes a starter again, or she doesn't. As she is going through puberty, the best thing you can do is put soccer on the back burner and just be a parent. You will drive yourself crazy if you try to understand the mind of a hormonal middle schooler. This is the time to worry about her mental, emotional and physical health, not her "soccer career".


I take it your son or daughter crashed and burned badly in the sport between the age & 10-14.


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## chargerfan (Sep 27, 2017)

Chalklines said:


> I take it your son or daughter crashed and burned badly in the sport between the age & 10-14.


Unless something happens in the next couple of months, you are wrong.


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## growingpains (Sep 27, 2017)

Update: Practice today went great! I think we've really turned a corner.  All I said to her prior to practice was to have fun, don't be afraid to try different things and mess up, and work as hard as she did in speed training and she'll be fine. I caught the last 30mins of practice and she was definitely more aggressive, winning her 1v1s, not afraid to take shots on goal and making nice crosses. 

She asked if I saw her goals and I said no, I had to run some errands and she got mad, saying I was supposed to stay and watch. She wouldnt let us leave the field until she could finish drawing in the dirt for me every cool play made between her and her teammates and how they led to goals.

This is the kid I know and I hope it never ends (although I know it probably will one day) She asked me how I thought she did and I just said, so long as you're giving 100% out there it doesn't matter to me because if you're always trying to get better and you're trying new things, you're going to mess up at first, probably a lot! It's no big deal because that's the only way to learn. And only she knows if she really gave 100% or not. Hopefully coach will catch on and give her the space...

Anyhow, so far so good! Didn't say anything stupid this time. Will see how she does in the game this weekend... =)


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## Keepermom2 (Sep 28, 2017)

growingpains said:


> Update: Practice today went great! I think we've really turned a corner.  All I said to her prior to practice was to have fun, don't be afraid to try different things and mess up, and work as hard as she did in speed training and she'll be fine. I caught the last 30mins of practice and she was definitely more aggressive, winning her 1v1s, not afraid to take shots on goal and making nice crosses.
> 
> She asked if I saw her goals and I said no, I had to run some errands and she got mad, saying I was supposed to stay and watch. She wouldnt let us leave the field until she could finish drawing in the dirt for me every cool play made between her and her teammates and how they led to goals.
> 
> ...


Awesome!  I saw my old daughter peeking through the last game.  At half time the coach told her the goals scored against her weren't her fault and as such, took the weight of the world off of her shoulders.  She became a beast in the second half of the game taking risks and not one ball went into the goal.  She is also starting to feel more a part of the team (she just started with this team in spring) which probably makes a difference too.


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