# Coaching and profanity



## soloyosh (Dec 11, 2016)

So my youngest son plays on a U10 team in our town.  At a recent tournament the a coach called one of the players a "M.F.er".  Later he called another player a "F'ing Gay."  In both instances he said these thing in Spanish.  He is Hispanic and was directing the words to Hispanic kids on the team.  None of the Hispanic parents seemed upset.  Even though I am Caucasian, I did grow up with many Hispanic friends and those terms stuck with me.

I coach a U13 team.  I have heard Hispanic parents use these terms with their kids numerous times and it doesn't seem to phase the kids all that much, so I think it may be a cultural thing.

I contacted the head coach, also a Caucasion, she let me know that she doesn't speak Spanish but that she stands by everything coach in question has done since joining the program.

At this point I would be removing my kid from that team if I had another convenient choice for a team, as I believe that a youth coach should be held to a higher standard than the parents.  However, it is the only U10 team for 50 miles.  Also, my son does not speak Spanish and I have not talked to him about it so he is oblivious to the whole issue.

Thoughts?


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## RedDevilDad (Dec 11, 2016)

Leave. Surely there's another option within 50 miles.  Every game you travel 45 minutes or more for?


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## espola (Dec 11, 2016)

soloyosh said:


> So my youngest son plays on a U10 team in our town.  At a recent tournament the a coach called one of the players a "M.F.er".  Later he called another player a "F'ing Gay."  In both instances he said these thing in Spanish.  He is Hispanic and was directing the words to Hispanic kids on the team.  None of the Hispanic parents seemed upset.  Even though I am Caucasian, I did grow up with many Hispanic friends and those terms stuck with me.
> 
> I coach a U13 team.  I have heard Hispanic parents use these terms with their kids numerous times and it doesn't seem to phase the kids all that much, so I think it may be a cultural thing.
> 
> ...


A basketball coach at a high school I attended had a coach well-known for profane outbursts, so much so that when we played at Sacred Heart they had a row of nuns sit right behind our team bench.  

Another school played their games in a National Guard armory that had a balcony almost hanging over the court.  At one game, he shouted something nasty and threw a towel in the air.  Someone in the balcony caught it and wouldn't give it back.


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## soloyosh (Dec 11, 2016)

RedDevilDad said:


> Leave. Surely there's another option within 50 miles.  Every game you travel 45 minutes or more for?


Every game is a tournament.  Either 2 hours to Vegas or 3 to Phoenix.  So yeah, options are limited.

I coach for a different club in town that only has the one team (U13).  My older son plays on that team.

I would love start a team for my younger son but I just don't have the time.  I feel bad.


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## RedDevilDad (Dec 11, 2016)

soloyosh said:


> Every game is a tournament.  Either 2 hours to Vegas or 3 to Phoenix.  So yeah, options are limited.
> 
> I coach for a different club in town that only has the one team (U13).  My older son plays on that team.
> 
> I would love start a team for my younger son but I just don't have the time.  I feel bad.


Rough.  I stand corrected.  If you can't leave. Try talking to the coach... calmly and at an appropriate time.  Sorry to hear you are having a poor experience.


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## Vin (Dec 11, 2016)

Does your club require a drug testing for coaches?


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## Deadpoolscores! (Dec 12, 2016)

soloyosh said:


> So my youngest son plays on a U10 team in our town.  At a recent tournament the a coach called one of the players a "M.F.er".  Later he called another player a "F'ing Gay."  In both instances he said these thing in Spanish.  He is Hispanic and was directing the words to Hispanic kids on the team.  None of the Hispanic parents seemed upset.  Even though I am Caucasian, I did grow up with many Hispanic friends and those terms stuck with me.
> 
> I coach a U13 team.  I have heard Hispanic parents use these terms with their kids numerous times and it doesn't seem to phase the kids all that much, so I think it may be a cultural thing.
> 
> ...





soloyosh said:


> So my youngest son plays on a U10 team in our town.  At a recent tournament the a coach called one of the players a "M.F.er".  Later he called another player a "F'ing Gay."  In both instances he said these thing in Spanish.  He is Hispanic and was directing the words to Hispanic kids on the team.  None of the Hispanic parents seemed upset.  Even though I am Caucasian, I did grow up with many Hispanic friends and those terms stuck with me.
> 
> I coach a U13 team.  I have heard Hispanic parents use these terms with their kids numerous times and it doesn't seem to phase the kids all that much, so I think it may be a cultural thing.
> 
> ...


Here's the reality it's not a cultural thing it's a ghetto Hispanic thing. It's like saying all Caucasian act like red necks, trailer trash because it must be a cultural thing. Which we all know its not true in both cases, anyone that was raised from a well manner family would not talk in such a manner especially around kids. Anyone that talks like that is just plain ghetto, in this case there saying it in Spanish because they probably don't know how to in English.


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## jrcaesar (Dec 12, 2016)

soloyosh said:


> so I think it may be a cultural thing.


It is NOT a cultural thing. This is NOT the new normal.


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## Sheriff Joe (Dec 12, 2016)

Deadpoolscores! said:


> Here's the reality it's not a cultural thing it's a ghetto Hispanic thing. It's like saying all Caucasian act like red necks, trailer trash because it must be a cultural thing. Which we all know its not true in both cases, anyone that was raised from a well manner family would not talk in such a manner especially around kids. Anyone that talks like that is just plain ghetto, in this case there saying it in Spanish because they probably don't know how to in English.


Mr Trump will be taking care of part of the problem.


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## fantasyfutbol (Dec 12, 2016)

soloyosh said:


> So my youngest son plays on a U10 team in our town.  At a recent tournament the a coach called one of the players a "M.F.er".  Later he called another player a "F'ing Gay."  In both instances he said these thing in Spanish.  He is Hispanic and was directing the words to Hispanic kids on the team.  None of the Hispanic parents seemed upset.  Even though I am Caucasian, I did grow up with many Hispanic friends and those terms stuck with me.
> 
> I coach a U13 team.  I have heard Hispanic parents use these terms with their kids numerous times and it doesn't seem to phase the kids all that much, so I think it may be a cultural thing.
> 
> ...


So, I was at a youth soccer tournament and a white coach from Mission Viejo was using profanity.  It could be heard on the parents side of the field.  

Keep in mind I grew up around white people so I am used to hearing profanity.  The white kids didn't seem to mind.  The parents obviously use profanity around thier children. 

At this point I would be removing my kid from the team but since there is no closer team I am sacrificing my morals and staying with the team. Soccer is obviously more important than what I believe in.


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## DNGNCB (Dec 12, 2016)

jrcaesar said:


> It is NOT a cultural thing. This is NOT the new normal.


And this should not be lightly dismissed. Coaches like the one you describe have no business coaching our children!
https://www.soccernation.com/damage-caused-by-verbal-abuse/


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## Striker17 (Dec 12, 2016)

This is not the most problematic issue.
The article is phenomenal by the way.
Unfortunately we now have told ourselves as a group that bullying equates to "mental power". Bullying, demeaning girls, humiliating them in front of their peers, is par for the course with certain coaches AND WE ALL KNOW IT AND TOLERATE IT TO STAY AT CERTAIN CLUBS OR TEAMS.
When you find yourself rationalizing putting up with a Coach who acts like a toddler you need to look in the mirror.
That is the bigger shame- normalizing it to "toughen them up" and "get them mentally strong" and "see what they are made of" "make examples of them" and "squashing attitude problems".


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## GKDad65 (Dec 12, 2016)

soloyosh said:


> So my youngest son plays on a U10 team in our town.  At a recent tournament the a coach called one of the players a "M.F.er".  Later he called another player a "F'ing Gay."  In both instances he said these thing in Spanish.  He is Hispanic and was directing the words to Hispanic kids on the team.  None of the Hispanic parents seemed upset.  Even though I am Caucasian, I did grow up with many Hispanic friends and those terms stuck with me.
> 
> I coach a U13 team.  I have heard Hispanic parents use these terms with their kids numerous times and it doesn't seem to phase the kids all that much, so I think it may be a cultural thing.
> 
> ...


Very unfortunate.
This kind of behavior is not a cultural thing, it's a "lack of" education and respect thing.
Get out and run as far away from that kind of coach as you can.
Good luck.


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## soloyosh (Dec 13, 2016)

fantasyfutbol said:


> So, I was at a youth soccer tournament and a white coach from Mission Viejo was using profanity.  It could be heard on the parents side of the field.
> 
> Keep in mind I grew up around white people so I am used to hearing profanity.  The white kids didn't seem to mind.  The parents obviously use profanity around thier children.
> 
> At this point I would be removing my kid from the team but since there is no closer team I am sacrificing my morals and staying with the team. Soccer is obviously more important than what I believe in.


That's not really fair.  I am seeking advice.  I am reaching out to the club that's 50 miles away.  I am trying to find a way forward so my boy can play.

As to the cultural thing, read my update post.


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## soloyosh (Dec 13, 2016)

Update:  The head coach of the team called a parents meeting after practice last night.  She said she expects all parents on the team to stand by the coaches because "we are a family and the boys are brothers."

Then the coach on question stepped up to explain his actions.

He said he wasn't saying M.F.er he was saying "God Dammit."  He said they sound very similar and are easily mistaken if you are not up on your Spanish.  He also said, "In our culture this is very common."

So here's where I am at:
1.  I know what I heard.  He also used a phrase that means F'ing Gay, that he didn't address last night.
2.  Even if I am wrong and he was saying "God Dammit", I am not okay with that even though everyone else on the team seamed to be.

I am going to talk to my boy about it today and unless there is further movement by the club, last night will have been his last practice for the team.

The club 50 miles away does not have a B07 team so I'll just work individually with him and spend what we would have spent on training fee's on camps.  The club I coach for has offered to roster him on their B07 team.  They are 180 miles away so practicing with them is not feasible but this will allow him to go on loan at tournaments and keep participating in competition.  Before this spring, I'll try to arrange my after work schedule to allow me to coach a second team and we will do a tryout and see what we can pull together.

Thanks for the input from everyone.  I think I knew where this was headed when I posted but I wanted to know if there were other things I might be missing.

I apologize for any offense on the cultural thing.  If you want to continue to discuss that, PM me and I'll shoot you my phone number so we can talk.


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## amgkag0304 (Dec 13, 2016)

fantasyfutbol said:


> So, I was at a youth soccer tournament and a white coach from Mission Viejo was using profanity.  It could be heard on the parents side of the field.
> 
> Keep in mind I grew up around white people so I am used to hearing profanity.  The white kids didn't seem to mind.  The parents obviously use profanity around thier children.
> 
> At this point I would be removing my kid from the team but since there is no closer team I am sacrificing my morals and staying with the team. Soccer is obviously more important than what I believe in.


Great response my friend.


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## soloyosh (Dec 13, 2016)

DNGNCB said:


> And this should not be lightly dismissed. Coaches like the one you describe have no business coaching our children!
> https://www.soccernation.com/damage-caused-by-verbal-abuse/


Thank you for posting that link.


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## espola (Dec 13, 2016)

soloyosh said:


> Update:  The head coach of the team called a parents meeting after practice last night.  She said she expects all parents on the team to stand by the coaches because "we are a family and the boys are brothers."
> 
> Then the coach on question stepped up to explain his actions.
> 
> ...


My kids had one coach who was from El Salvador and thus spoke Spanish like a native.  I always enjoyed when he spoke to referees in Spanish, trying to improve my vocabulary (especially when the referee also spoke Spanish).  I remember one game in an Orange County tournament where he was having a long conversation with a young Hispanic referee, not much of which I understood, except that they seemed to be disagreeing about something.  When she had had enough, she came over and gave him a tongue-lashing, all in flawless English (for the benefit of the Anglo parents, I imagine) stating that if he did not leave the field at once, she would throw him out  and he would miss the tournament final.  He left, and I managed substitutes for the few minutes remaining in the game.  

And we won the tournament, too, after PKs in the final.


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## Overlap (Dec 13, 2016)

soloyosh said:


> Update:  The head coach of the team called a parents meeting after practice last night.  She said she expects all parents on the team to stand by the coaches because "we are a family and the boys are brothers."
> 
> Then the coach on question stepped up to explain his actions.
> 
> ...


Tough spot to be in however, if you can arrange your schedule to coach your son for at least the next 2-3 years, it will be some of the best memories for you and your kid. U10-U13 are about learning and honing basic skills, having fun and making new friends (and if your kid is really good, being the super star and winning lots of games). This also gives you the opportunity to enjoy the time with your kid, trust me it goes by way too fast. Once they hit U13-U14, that's when you find the best coach you can, with the best player's to take your son to the next level, stay involved and don't put up with crappy coaches. Best of luck!


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## soloyosh (Dec 13, 2016)

Overlap said:


> Tough spot to be in however, if you can arrange your schedule to coach your son for at least the next 2-3 years, it will be some of the best memories for you and your kid. U10-U13 are about learning and honing basic skills, having fun and making new friends (and if your kid is really good, being the super star and winning lots of games). This also gives you the opportunity to enjoy the time with your kid, trust me it goes by way too fast. Once they hit U13-U14, that's when you find the best coach you can, with the best player's to take your son to the next level, stay involved and don't put up with crappy coaches. Best of luck!


I would really like to coach a team for him.  However, in a town of 50K people surrounded by desert, finding enough kids to fill a second B07 team in town will be a challenge.  We will see what we can figure out.

As to finding a good coach for the U13 team, one of the things Coach Profanity said last night was "I know all the coaches in this town.  I am the best coach in this town."  I'll leave you with that.

Thanks again.


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## timbuck (Dec 14, 2016)

Raid his team and start a new one. Surely you can find 9 kids to form a team.


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## Surfref (Dec 14, 2016)

Profanity has no place in youth or high school soccer.  The referee needs to address it when they hear it especially coming from a coach.


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## jrcaesar (Dec 14, 2016)

timbuck said:


> Raid his team and start a new one. Surely you can find 9 kids to form a team.


Indeed ... isn't there a youth soccer league in your town? There are parents there who don't know they should be looking for a club team. Go educate them.

(Or, possibly better, have your 10U player play there and then spend the season recruiting.)


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## soloyosh (Dec 14, 2016)

jrcaesar said:


> Indeed ... isn't there a youth soccer league in your town? There are parents there who don't know they should be looking for a club team. Go educate them.
> 
> (Or, possibly better, have your 10U player play there and then spend the season recruiting.)


This club team is under the purview of the local rec league.  Club starts in August and they attend a couple tournaments.  Then in October the club kids play in the rec league (mandatory).  In December the teams reform and play club through June.

The team I coach also started in this program.  I coached them at U11 and after a successful season the parents asked if they could skip rec.  Board said no.  Parents asked me if I could do something and now we are a part of a different club and do not participate in rec.  As you can imagine, this generated some friction between our team and the local league leadership/board.  I have steered my team clear of any conflicts with them.

Then my youngest son decides he likes soccer after years of apathy towards it (he was super into wrestling).  He wants to play club all of a sudden.  So he tries out and makes the team and now I am thrust back into that organization that I figured I was done with.  I cheer the team and my boy.  I am careful not to offer any coaching suggestions even when I see that they clearly do not understand the whole build-out rule.  I just cheer.  Then the profanity thing happened.  Friends cautioned me against saying anything, "you'll just be viewed as a boat rocker."  When I engaged the coach I was careful to make sure that I was coming at this as a parent and not another coach.  However, at some level I have to believe my concern was viewed as rocking the boat, but there was no denial or "we'll look into it", it was just "we are a family."  Then the whole "God Dammit" meeting happened.

So here we are.

Since all the kids in the rec league are technically part of their club, I am not sure I am allowed to recruit anyone.  It would simply be to get the word out about a new team and hope people show up.  I think in order for them to even show up they may require at least a loan form from the other club.

We will see...

Thanks again for the suggestions.


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## jrcaesar (Dec 14, 2016)

@soloyosh - Ugh ... so sorry.


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## soloyosh (Dec 14, 2016)

jrcaesar said:


> @soloyosh - Ugh ... so sorry.


LOL

There are pluses and minuses to living in a small town...  we will figure it out.


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## GunninGopher (Dec 14, 2016)

I'm sure you are aware that this thread is likely to get back to them and it isn't hard to figure out who you are. If you were as honest and sincere about your concerns as you indicated here, a rational person shouldn't take too much offense. I suspect you are dealing with entirely rational people, however.

You probably haven't said enough for someone outside the situation to easily figure out what team/club you are referring to. That being said, I have a guess and I haven't been to the town I think your kids are playing in years!!


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## soloyosh (Dec 14, 2016)

GunninGopher said:


> I'm sure you are aware that this thread is likely to get back to them and it isn't hard to figure out who you are. If you were as honest and sincere about your concerns as you indicated here, a rational person shouldn't take too much offense. I suspect you are dealing with entirely rational people, however.
> 
> You probably haven't said enough for someone outside the situation to easily figure out what team/club you are referring to. That being said, I have a guess and I haven't been to the town I think your kids are playing in years!!


If you don't stick your neck out, you won't see anything.

I'm looking for advice and to get good advice sometimes you have to expose yourself.


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## Overlap (Dec 14, 2016)

soloyosh said:


> I would really like to coach a team for him.  However, in a town of 50K people surrounded by desert, finding enough kids to fill a second B07 team in town will be a challenge.  We will see what we can figure out.
> 
> As to finding a good coach for the U13 team, one of the things Coach Profanity said last night was "I know all the coaches in this town.  I am the best coach in this town."  I'll leave you with that.
> 
> Thanks again.


Your other option is to have him play futsal for the next few years, less coaching and you'll need less kids (5v5 or 7v7)... Plus, 2 years of futsal, your kid will tear it up when he gets in to the older age groups and be one of the most creative player's....don't put up with crappy coaches,... no matter how good they think they are.


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## Golazo (Dec 15, 2016)

Before you pull him off the team just be sure that your translation is correct. What he said may have been offensive... I am hispanic and speak spanish and there are a lot of things that can be misconstrued as offensive but said in spanish and based on the way he said it... they may not have the same offensive intent. 

According to your post he said: "M.F.er". Later he called another player a "F'ing Gay."  
I could think of some words that would be a very close translation but it just strikes me odd that the hispanic parents did not take offense. Although you may be correct, you may have possibly misinterpreted.


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## soloyosh (Dec 15, 2016)

Golazo said:


> Before you pull him off the team just be sure that your translation is correct. What he said may have been offensive... I am hispanic and speak spanish and there are a lot of things that can be misconstrued as offensive but said in spanish and based on the way he said it... they may not have the same offensive intent.
> 
> According to your post he said: "M.F.er". Later he called another player a "F'ing Gay."
> I could think of some words that would be a very close translation but it just strikes me odd that the hispanic parents did not take offense. Although you may be correct, you may have possibly misinterpreted.


I am pretty sure what I heard. Like I said he later clarified that he was saying "God Dammit" to the players. My Spanish slang is a bit rusty but I don't think I'd confuse one for the other. Besides, I am not okay with what he says he said anyways.


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