# Come join our amazing new club....



## timbuck (Dec 7, 2018)

We are looking for impact players.  Current needs include a GK, Center Back, Holding Mid, Attacking mid,  Wingers and an effective striker.

We offer professional coaches. And by professional, we mean that they get paid. 
Their qualifications include: 

Watching EPL and La Liga games every Saturday morning.  
Using the following words during games:  Quality.  Unlucky.  Keep the ball.  Send it.  Find feet.  Connect. Come on ref.
Knowing how to properly pronounce: Ajax and Pulisic
A collection of Nike and Adidas gear from the 4 clubs they've worked for in the past 10 years.
They once had a player at a tryout that is playing D1 soccer on a partial scholarship
What you can expect at training sessions:

Lots of scrimmage time
Coach will only be on his phone during warm ups, water breaks and while the team is doing wind sprints.
The Club offers a pathway to development that is provided by a proven methodology backed by the ever changing US Soccer training philosophies coupled with an English or Spanish accent.
We promise that there will be no more than 8 teams on a full sized field during your 2 weekly practice sessions.  Fields may consist of grass, dirt, mud, turf or gopher holes.  Each team should have a goal to use.  It may be a full sized goal.  It may be broken.  It may be rusty.  It may have a net that is completely attached.
We won't know what league we are playing in until sometime in August.  The league will definitely have at least 2  of the following letters in it:  S, A, D, L, P.  Travel may be limited to states West of the Mississippi and teams may be required to travel by bus, train, airplane or bicycle.  

The cost to play varies based on your kids ability, the car you drive, how tall and/or attractive the parents are and whether or not you are coming from a competing club that we don't like.  

We will have various teams at each age group.  If you want to move up to a higher flighted team, you are better off moving to another club.  Our highest ranked team is made up of players that we have poached over the years.  

If you are hoping to play on our United States Development Academy Team, then high school soccer sucks and is terrible.  If you will not be on our DA team, then high school soccer is great. Many of our highly qualified coaches are also coaching at the local high schools.  

We offer additional practice sessions at an additional cost.  Please bring cash in an unmarked paper bag and place it near the trash can that is located near the coaches duffel bag.

You will sign an agreement that states you will be with the club until State Cup is completed in February.  However, we will have tryouts in December to determine what the teams will look like the following year.  You should attend your prior teams practice until State Cup, but it is highly recommended that you also attend your new team's practice as well.  

Our overall club dues are low, but you will be required to purchase the following clothing items from our vendor:  2 practice jerseys, 3 game jerseys, 2 practice shorts, 2 game shorts, 2 warm up jerseys, 4 practice pinnies, 18 pairs of socks, a sweatshirt, headband, shoelaces, a bumper sticker for 4 family members, a team water bottle, a long sleeve undershirt in 3 colors to match the game jerseys, a futsal jersey, futsal shoes and a soccer ball.  All items are the property of the club and if you leave, you will be required to turn them over within 24 hours.  If we catch you at another clubs tryouts, we will cut holes in each item.  The uniform kit is supposed to last 2 years. But we change our logo, supplier and/or club affiliation frequently. So you may be required to purchase all items 2x per year.  

Come and check out our open training session, join a practice, attend a tryout, email us some game film. We also accept letters from parents that state "My kid is the best player in the county.  She's just never been given the chance to shine on her other team."


----------



## FernandoFromNationalCity (Dec 7, 2018)

timbuck said:


> We are looking for impact players.  Current needs include a GK, Center Back, Holding Mid, Attacking mid,  Wingers and an effective striker.
> 
> We offer professional coaches. And by professional, we mean that they get paid.
> Their qualifications include:
> ...


What color are the uniforms?


----------



## focomoso (Dec 7, 2018)

Took me a sec, but really, you could do better. I bet you could do one that skirted the line much longer...


----------



## espola (Dec 7, 2018)

timbuck said:


> We are looking for impact players.  Current needs include a GK, Center Back, Holding Mid, Attacking mid,  Wingers and an effective striker.
> 
> We offer professional coaches. And by professional, we mean that they get paid.
> Their qualifications include:
> ...


Do you have any openings for coaches?  I have over 40 years experience on the sideline.


----------



## Not_that_Serious (Dec 7, 2018)

FernandoFromNationalCity said:


> What color are the uniforms?


only joining if we have a European Club affiliation with their kits


----------



## espola (Dec 7, 2018)

Not_that_Serious said:


> only joining if we have a European Club affiliation with their kits


Is adding "Surf" to the club name good enough?


----------



## Not_that_Serious (Dec 7, 2018)

espola said:


> Do you have any openings for coaches?  I have over 40 years experience on the sideline.


you can coach but only if you bring over at least 18 new kids. if you bring over 5 new teams, you can get the title of Director of Specialized Super Special Training / Head Of Marketing & Sales


----------



## Not_that_Serious (Dec 7, 2018)

espola said:


> Is adding "Surf" to the club name good enough?


im not opposed to the idea, but cant commit unless we know the online training content is at a super awesome pro level. would need a link with username and password to preview the the super awesome drills the kids would be learning


----------



## Paul Spacey (Dec 7, 2018)

probably the best post I've read since joining this forum. A lot of it is a very accurate portrayal of the club soccer environment...that's the frightening thing!


----------



## watfly (Dec 7, 2018)

timbuck said:


> We are looking for impact players.  Current needs include a GK, Center Back, Holding Mid, Attacking mid,  Wingers and an effective striker.
> 
> We offer professional coaches. And by professional, we mean that they get paid.
> Their qualifications include:
> ...


You had me at "pathway".  I have a question though...how many raffle tickets do I have to sell for the DOC's, I mean the Club's, fundraiser?


----------



## timbuck (Dec 7, 2018)

watfly said:


> You had me at "pathway".  I have a question though...how many raffle tickets do I have to sell for the DOC's, I mean the Club's, fundraiser?


Each player is required to sell 10.  Plus each team has to sponsor a hole for $500. And we are looking for corporate sponsors too.  
If your player sells 20 tickets, donates a gift basket, the team has at least 10 golfers and you buy the coach a Coors Light on the course-  Then the club will provide one additional pin for your players backpack.


----------



## Socalsoccer (Dec 7, 2018)

timbuck said:


> We are looking for impact players.  Current needs include a GK, Center Back, Holding Mid, Attacking mid,  Wingers and an effective striker.
> 
> We offer professional coaches. And by professional, we mean that they get paid.
> Their qualifications include:
> ...


Haha, this sounds shitty. This also sounds like every club we’ve been to so far. You didn’t even touch on the mandatory unpaid hours we have to work at the clubs tournaments. Or the ridiculous fundraiser so the coaches and doc can drink and play golf both great selling points. Sign me up for another year please!


----------



## watfly (Dec 7, 2018)

timbuck said:


> Each player is required to sell 10.  Plus each team has to sponsor a hole for $500. And we are looking for corporate sponsors too.
> If your player sells 20 tickets, donates a gift basket, the team has at least 10 golfers and you buy the coach a Coors Light on the course-  Then the club will provide one additional pin for your players backpack.


One more question.  Are the lights from the tennis courts strong enough to at least dimly light a portion of the practice field? or if they aren't, how bad is the carbon monoxide from the portable generator lights?


----------



## timbuck (Dec 7, 2018)

watfly said:


> One more question.  Are the lights from the tennis courts strong enough to at least dimly light a portion of the practice field? or if they aren't, how bad is the carbon monoxide from the portable generator lights?


If you have a large truck or SUV, we would appreciate if you could park close to the field and leave your lights on.  It is optional for players to purchase a club provided head lamp for 9:00 pm practice on Friday for your 7 year old.


----------



## 46n2 (Dec 7, 2018)

Do You Have What It Takes To Play For The Club Everyone Is Talking About...........


----------



## Not_that_Serious (Dec 7, 2018)

46n2 said:


> Do You Have What It Takes To Play For The Club Everyone Is Talking About...........


Brag about my kiddo being on flight 1, earn 1pt all season and demand the club put our team in national? You bet your arse I do...I mean my kid does


----------



## FernandoFromNationalCity (Dec 7, 2018)

espola said:


> Is adding "Surf" to the club name good enough?


“Navegar” would be a good name... it’s surf in Spanish to give it that European/Barca/Spanish  feel..


----------



## Not_that_Serious (Dec 7, 2018)

FernandoFromNationalCity said:


> “Navegar” would be a good name... it’s surf in Spanish to give it that European/Barca/Spanish  feel..


Nah just needs an El In front... El Surf.


----------



## what_the?? (Dec 7, 2018)

Los Surf


----------



## ultimate20 (Dec 7, 2018)

Well done.


----------



## Not_that_Serious (Dec 7, 2018)

what_the?? said:


> Los Surf


Los Surferos


----------



## Not_that_Serious (Dec 7, 2018)

Not_that_Serious said:


> Los Surferos


Need to get on trademarks 1st thin Monday morning

Los Surferos de OC
Los Surferos de Los Angeles
Los Surferos de Los Angeles de Anaheim Sur
Los Surferos de Los Angeles de Anaheim Norte
Los Surferos Bahia Sur
Los Surferos Bahia Sur Maximo
Los Surferos del Barrio East Los


----------



## Not_that_Serious (Dec 7, 2018)

46n2 said:


> Do You Have What It Takes To Play For The Club Everyone Is Talking About...........


Just caught where you pulled that from. Clubs/people post on here and don’t even take a few minutes to read through threads before doing so. Smh


----------



## timbuck (Dec 7, 2018)

Not_that_Serious said:


> im not opposed to the idea, but cant commit unless we know the online training content is at a super awesome pro level. would need a link with username and password to preview the the super awesome drills the kids would be learning


All drills and training activities will be identified by the name of a club, national team or player.
We promise you will see the following:
Pele Squares
Barcelona Rondos
La Masia Water Breaks
Argentina 4v2
Man U 4v3
LA Lakers Fast Break from the Showtime Era
Dave Sarachan 4–1-4-1
Tim Howard Pop-a-Shot
Pep Guardiola 1 thousand millions
Abby Wambach Concussion Protocol
Alex Morgan Poaching 
Jozy Altidore Lose the Ball and Pout


----------



## futboldad1 (Dec 7, 2018)

46n2 said:


> Do You Have What It Takes To Play For The Club Everyone Is Talking About...........


Correction:

Do You Have What It Takes To Pay For The Club Everyone Is Talking About...........


----------



## Soccer43 (Dec 8, 2018)

I heard the practices will be Mon/Wed 6-8 except for those weeks that the coach is coaching his college team where the practices may be moved to Tue/Sun and then some weeks expect to receive a call at 5:00 that the practices have been cancelled or moved to another field, on the weeks after a bad loss practices will be Mon/Tue/Wed/Thur with fitness on three of those days; then midway through the season your coach will likely be changed and at that time new practice times and field location will be determined.  If you do not attend every practice and show up on time even when the field or time has been changed 30 min prior to the start time then expect to sit on the bench for the next game or for at least 5 min if you are super good and the coach needs you to win.


----------



## pewpew (Dec 8, 2018)

Ultimo Surf


----------



## RedCard (Dec 8, 2018)

timbuck said:


> *The Club offers a pathway* to development that is provided by a proven methodology backed by the ever changing US Soccer training philosophies coupled with an English or Spanish accent.
> We promise that there will be no more than 8 teams on a full sized field during your 2 weekly practice sessions.  Fields may consist of grass, dirt, mud, turf or gopher holes.  Each team should have a goal to use.  It may be a full sized goal.  It may be broken.  It may be rusty.  It may have a net that is completely attached.
> We won't know what league we are playing in until sometime in August.  The league will definitely have at least 2  of the following letters in it:  S, A, D, L, P.  Travel may be limited to states West of the Mississippi and teams may be required to travel by bus, train, airplane or bicycle.


And there's the magic statement!!!!! I'm sold!!!!!


----------



## GKDad65 (Dec 8, 2018)

Love it !
That's some funny s**t !!!!

Where are tryouts?


----------



## SSJSG UI (Dec 8, 2018)

RedCard said:


> And there's the magic statement!!!!! I'm sold!!!!!


We moved from a small club to a slightly bigger community club and only to have some big shot club come in and merged.  This pathway line killed me!!!!  Three years ago i would have been all over it and then seeing the ID camp/training where all kids are virtually the same excellent level as mine knocked me off my pedestal.  LOL.


----------



## Toch (Dec 8, 2018)

The name has to include in its name but not limited to advanced academy, premier, development.
Also there has to be atleast one coach who “trained in Spain(or whatever)


----------



## zebrafish (Dec 11, 2018)

timbuck said:


> All drills and training activities will be identified by the name of a club, national team or player.
> We promise you will see the following:
> Pele Squares
> Barcelona Rondos
> ...


You forgot Nemar Jr flops


----------



## Slammerdad (Dec 12, 2018)

I like the very first line-the hook about specific players ie Center back, Goalie, holding mid, superior striker.....Clearly it's the mission of this new club to seek out that special unicorn!


----------



## BigSoccer (Dec 12, 2018)

How many private sessions does my child need to do outside of training with his team's coach?  and did he go online and get his F license.


----------



## str8baller (Dec 12, 2018)

Thread of the year award without a doubt.


----------



## timbuck (Dec 12, 2018)

BigSoccer said:


> How many private sessions does my child need to do outside of training with his team's coach?  and did he go online and get his F license.


We will do speed and agility training once per week for an hour.  This is a cost of $25 per session.  The session will consist of a game of tag for 15 minutes.  100 squats.  A bunch of jumping up and down.  40 push ups.  A special exercise for "ACL Injury Prevention".  And a relay race at the end.  

Private soccer training will take place on Sunday mornings.  The coach may smell like he just stumbled out of a bar (which he may be the truth).  The session will consist of a warm up where your kid does some juggling, bells, toe taps, jogging, shuffling, running backwards.  Then the coach will teach you 17 new ball mastery skills, using both feet.  16.5 of them you will never see your kid use in a game.  Then we will practice shooting a stationary ball into an open net.


----------



## jpeter (Dec 12, 2018)

There is a new paradigm shift brewing....

This new club is doing away with structured play for at least half the season for the youngers....

We are also getting rid of *pay to play* and replacing that with *pay when you don't play.*   If you play good during the games, score, assist, tackle, win balls you don't have to pay.  If you make a mistake, loose the ball, don't pass, get carded,  don't play, miss training, or just have a bad game we ask for a $10 "donation" for each instance.   Put those in  the team money "can"  the manager runs around on the sideline all game hawking.  Parents are encouraged to donate to the "can" if their kids scores so we can help play for the team, but strictly optional for those that can play & get results.


----------



## Stand Your Ground (Dec 17, 2018)

Best. Thread. Ever. You nailed it in the original post and just continued to get better in your comments @timbuck.


----------



## MijoPlumber (Dec 17, 2018)

timbuck said:


> We are looking for impact players.  Current needs include a GK, Center Back, Holding Mid, Attacking mid,  Wingers and an effective striker.
> 
> We offer professional coaches. And by professional, we mean that they get paid.
> Their qualifications include:
> ...





timbuck said:


> We are looking for impact players.  Current needs include a GK, Center Back, Holding Mid, Attacking mid,  Wingers and an effective striker.
> 
> We offer professional coaches. And by professional, we mean that they get paid.
> Their qualifications include:
> ...


Mijo, a big YAWN!  Hahahaha all the Caca! Let us not forget This is a Full Service Car Wash, no I mean Full Service Soccer Club!!!!!!!!
1. Uno or dos vacations for you, your family and your coach’s to Vegas “area” per year!! 
2. Mandatory preseason skills camp to pay for coaches spring vacation!!
3. You get socialize with your fello parents when you volunteer to work the club tournament, the taco day, the golf day/ball drop and sell Christmas trees! 
4. Can give your coach massage or foot rub for playtime no matter how bad.  (Only works for first 6 months then must be flexible!!)


----------



## Soccermom21 (Dec 20, 2018)

The funniest/most accurate thing I've read here in forever. Thanks for the laugh/heebie jeebies


----------

