# Lopsided Coaching?



## mommato2girls (Sep 11, 2016)

Anyone have experience with this situation...Coach is always riding 2 or 3 players. These players are at the top of the team, there are another handful of girls who never get a word. Despite not being in position, not showing any drive/not motivated, throwing lazy kicks, etc. So much so that parents are getting angry with coach, even words exchanged and the players notice, 'how come so and so doesn't do anything all game but never gets an earful but coach is always one me? What to do? Anything? Nothing? Suggestions?


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## etc1217 (Sep 11, 2016)

It could be that, if these girls are the top of the team, he expects more from them to carry the team and his expectations of the others is exactly what he gets and doesn't foresee them making a big difference if he pushes them.  Whether that is the case or not, there should be a civil conversation with the coach and try not to get heated over what is exchanged.  If the exchange with the coach does not accomplish anything then ride out the season and find another team or coach. It's not worth having the player suffer especially if it is not beneficial for her. My DD was in that same situation years ago and she told us that she didn't like it and I noticed it started to mess with her self-confidence, so she left and went to another team. Don't let a coach do that especially at the younger ages, though the girls might not say that it bothers them, it does hurt their self-esteem making them think they aren't good enough.


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## espola (Sep 11, 2016)

etc1217 said:


> It could be that, if these girls are the top of the team, he expects more from them to carry the team and his expectations of the others is exactly what he gets and doesn't foresee them making a big difference if he pushes them.  Whether that is the case or not, there should be a civil conversation with the coach and try not to get heated over what is exchanged.  If the exchange with the coach does not accomplish anything then ride out the season and find another team or coach. It's not worth having the player suffer especially if it is not beneficial for her. My DD was in that same situation years ago and she told us that she didn't like it and I noticed it started to mess with her self-confidence, so she left and went to another team. Don't let a coach do that especially at the younger ages, though the girls might not say that it bothers them, it does hurt their self-esteem making them think they aren't good enough.


If the coach's criticisms are accurate and delivered in an appropriate manner, they should help the player improve.


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## soccerobserver (Sep 11, 2016)

mommato2girls said:


> Anyone have experience with this situation...Coach is always riding 2 or 3 players. These players are at the top of the team, there are another handful of girls who never get a word. Despite not being in position, not showing any drive/not motivated, throwing lazy kicks, etc. So much so that parents are getting angry with coach, even words exchanged and the players notice, 'how come so and so doesn't do anything all game but never gets an earful but coach is always one me? What to do? Anything? Nothing? Suggestions?


Higher standards for kids with higher ceilings makes sense but if it slips into 2-3 gifted kids carrying the burden of the entire team...maybe time for those gifted kids to find a better team...


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## socalkdg (Sep 12, 2016)

Ask the coach after a practice.  Each kid responds to different coaching methods.  Mine sometimes needs a bit of motivation.  He gives it to her. Asked her if she felt he yells at her, she said no, just telling me what I need to do.   She thinks he is as a great coach and loves her team.   Another kid may need a more gentle approach.


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## zebrafish (Sep 13, 2016)

mommato2girls said:


> Anyone have experience with this situation...Coach is always riding 2 or 3 players. These players are at the top of the team, there are another handful of girls who never get a word. Despite not being in position, not showing any drive/not motivated, throwing lazy kicks, etc. So much so that parents are getting angry with coach, even words exchanged and the players notice, 'how come so and so doesn't do anything all game but never gets an earful but coach is always one me? What to do? Anything? Nothing? Suggestions?


I think it depends on the coach. I think certain coaches may provide different coaching to different players depending on their level of play (absolute and within team), personality, coach expectations of that player, coach liking of that player, player ability to listen--- all sorts of stuff.

"Riding" has a bit of a negative connotation to it. I'd hope that the coach is providing constructive/helpful coaching to the player. In other words, telling them what to do-- not just telling them something they did wrong w/o it being clear what they should/could have done. I think tone matters (angry, not good). I think the proportion of positive to negative comments matters.  I think the frequency of comments matters. Your kid's perception of the situation and the coach is probably also relevant. Hard to answer w/o seeing what is actually happening and also climbing into the kid's head.

"Ignoring" also has negative connotation. Hopefully, the coach is helping all the players improve in some way.

If you feel the coach is "riding" your kid, I would agree with the advice above to discuss with the coach if you feel this is not a good thing.

But the whole description of the situation sounds dysfunctional all around......


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## Daniel Miller (Sep 21, 2016)

Each player needs more or less instruction, depending on their personality and skill level.  The coach might be giving more instruction to those players who need more instruction.  Each parent needs to make his or her own decision on this.


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## soccersc (Sep 27, 2016)

What I would be more concerned about would be the parents of the kids who keep making mistakes and the coach never tells them anything.  In my opinion, the coach has probably given up on them.

I try to explain to my kids that it is alright to have the coach to get on them, it is much better than the coach not getting on them at all.  I tell them if the coach stops getting on you that could means they have given up and might think you can't improve.   That seems to be unfair and hard to believe, but unfortunately it's reality with a LOT of coaches, especially as you move up in age and level.  If the coach is giving you instruction, although it might seem overly critical, and hard to accept, they probably believe you can get better.... if they just let you keep playing and never say a word when you do something wrong, that usually means that's tehir expectation of that player. Perhaps the coach had given the player instructions to correct their mistakes multiple times and they keep making the same mistakes over and over so the coach feels they are uncoachable and won't change so he puts his energy into players he knows that care.  This does not apply only to soccer but to school as well, teachers seem to do the same thing.    

I try to take a situation where the kid might have a negative feeling, because they are feeling picked on or targeted, and try to make it positive by telling them the coach (or teacher) is trying to make you better, they just have a difficult time communicating, they just want more from you.  Kids are going to have good coach's/teachers and BAD coach's/teachers throughout their lives.  It's  best for them to learn how to manage their own emotions and reactions than to worry about trying to understand why a coach is acting a certain way, because coach's/teachers are not going to change.


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