# Verbal abuse from parents, coaches is causing a referee shortage in youth sports



## socalkdg (Jun 19, 2017)

Verbal abuse from parents, coaches is causing a referee shortage in youth sports

https://www.washingtonpost.com/sports/highschools/verbal-abuse-from-parents-coaches-is-causing-a-referee-shortage-in-youth-and-high-school-sports/2017/06/16/cf02a016-499a-11e7-a186-60c031eab644_story.html?utm_term=.d3a2b82ecaaa#comments


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## rainbow_unicorn (Jun 19, 2017)

Up the pay for refs and tell the parents that the increase is needed to attract more refs due to their abuse.


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## gkrent (Jun 19, 2017)

This link is behind a paywall.


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## Surfref (Jun 19, 2017)

gkrent said:


> This link is behind a paywall.


Try this one:

https://www.washingtonpost.com/sports/highschools/verbal-abuse-from-parents-coaches-is-causing-a-referee-shortage-in-youth-and-high-school-sports/2017/06/16/cf02a016-499a-11e7-a186-60c031eab644_story.html?utm_term=.4b6692657e44


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## Grace T. (Jun 19, 2017)

I'm not surprised by this.  I reffeed for a stint (AYSO/Latino League).  As we get deeper into Gen. Z the competitiveness is getting really severe.  Couple that with parents that don't understand the game, and culture that arguably has become coarser and rules that are sometimes ambiguous and left to the judgement for the ref (such as when is a charge a charge or when is impeding impeding) and its a prescription for conflict.  I know I didn't want to continue once the DS shifted to club.  Plus most people don't understand how really hard it is to be a center ref (particularly if you don't have linesmen or your linesmen aren't very good)....you can't keep your eye on everything so you just try to focus on the immediate area around the ball as well as the direction to restart when the ball goes out)...you are going to miss some offside calls and some fouls away from the ball even if you are good.


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## MWN (Jun 19, 2017)

All of the SoCal leagues (Presidio, CSL and SCDSL), Cal South and USYS have adopted a Code of Conduct that prohibits "challenging" and/or being disrespectful to game officials by parents, players and coaches.  When I referee, I hold all participants to that code of conduct.  If more referees did that the side-line culture would change and we would not have as many issues.


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## Striker17 (Jun 19, 2017)

MWN said:


> All of the SoCal leagues (Presidio, CSL and SCDSL), Cal South and USYS have adopted a Code of Conduct that prohibits "challenging" and/or being disrespectful to game officials by parents, players and coaches.  When I referee, I hold all participants to that code of conduct.  If more referees did that the side-line culture would change and we would not have as many issues.


I agree it's an enforcement issue. Unfortunately though many refs let things escalate rather than ending it fast. I have always felt that it's because they are focused on the actual game and that is the priority.


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## zebrafish (Jun 19, 2017)

I've been on both the ref and parent side. 

Refereeing is a very difficult job. It is a real skill that requires practice and the good ones are worth every penny they are paid. Having worked as a center ref without sideline refs -- it isn't easy. 

As a parent of a current player, probably 50% or more of my kid's games have only a center ref. That is a setup for missed calls.

The problem I have is that there is a small group of poor quality refs out there who don't understand that their primary role is to keep kids safe -- their personal line of what constitutes a foul vs allowable contact is way outside the normal, and/or they cannot manage a game properly that gets out of control on the physical side. That is when I have a hard time sitting on the sideline without saying anything.

I think it can be a downward spiral. Bad parent behavior -> fewer refs -> more solo refs -> missed calls (inevitable) -> angry parents -> bad parent behavior.

Not excusing the bad behavior by any means. I think refs should be more vocal about disciplining parents.

I'd say 95% of refs do a pretty good job. It is that 5% that doesn't...


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## Frank (Jun 19, 2017)

zebrafish said:


> I've been on both the ref and parent side.
> 
> Refereeing is a very difficult job. It is a real skill that requires practice and the good ones are worth every penny they are paid. Having worked as a center ref without sideline refs -- it isn't easy.
> 
> ...


If you really think it is 5% then that is pretty good.  I bet if you look at the Company you work at, wherever that is, that more than 5% are doing a poor job.  Also, I can guarantee that more than 5% of coaches are doing a poor job in developing their players on how to play the right way.


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## Grace T. (Jun 19, 2017)

zebrafish said:


> I've been on both the ref and parent side.
> 
> Refereeing is a very difficult job. It is a real skill that requires practice and the good ones are worth every penny they are paid. Having worked as a center ref without sideline refs -- it isn't easy.
> 
> ...



Absolutely true.  Add to that, however 1) ambiguity in the rules (e.g. when is something "careless" or "reckless".....in the law, we have jury instructions that give greater clarity on these points and even then the juries sometimes get it wrong) and because of that ambiguity every ref's line is going to be different, and 2) (and this one gets me the most) conflicting mandates from the host organization.  When I reffed U8 for AYSO, referees were specifically told they shouldn't call "every little" foul and should allow the game to flow so that there wasn't a constant stop and go and the kids could just play.  That worked fine for the U6s.  By U7 the game was constantly starting and stopping anyways because the coaches would be yelling at their players to "kick it out" so I wasn't sure what that accomplished.  But by U8 it was really jungle ball out there....by U8 the kids (particularly the boys) are beginning to show their physicality....I saw arms to the face, pushing, taunting, fights, kicking (some of it because they were still playing hit and a miss soccer which happens a lot in AYSO....I reffed a few scrimmages for my sons club team and there was far less of that)....if a ref didn't get control of the game it quickly descended into chaos which conflicts with the "just let them play" attitude of the league.


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## Fact (Jun 19, 2017)

My dd use to ref but I always wanted to be there to protect her from parent verbal abuse, so we found her another flexible part time job.

My kids have had parents on their team lash out at refs, coaches, and players on both teams. One coach did not care and thus we left that team at the end of the season, but the good coaches took swift action once someone brought the situation to their attention (of course you tell the manager first). 

I for one would welcome the more experienced refs giving the coach a warning on the very first comment from a parent and the ARs being willing to get the CR's attention to let them know that they or kids are getting abuse.   Making an example of this behavior would go a long way to solving it and making watching children play more enjoyable.


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## tugs (Jun 19, 2017)

My DD's coach has absolutely no tolerance for parents instructing players or abusing refs.  He'll basically pull the player who's parent is mouthing off, have them run over to the parent and tell them "coach isn't going to play me  this game or next game if you don't shut up!".  Works every time.


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## Fact (Jun 19, 2017)

tugs said:


> My DD's coach has absolutely no tolerance for parents instructing players or abusing refs.  He'll basically pull the player who's parent is mouthing off, have them run over to the parent and tell them "coach isn't going to play me  this game or next game if you don't shut up!".  Works every time.


That's one reason I like teams and parents to sit on the same side.  A coach cannot know what a parent is saying from the opposite side of the field.


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## LASTMAN14 (Jun 19, 2017)

socalkdg said:


> Verbal abuse from parents, coaches is causing a referee shortage in youth sports
> 
> https://www.washingtonpost.com/sports/highschools/verbal-abuse-from-parents-coaches-is-causing-a-referee-shortage-in-youth-and-high-school-sports/2017/06/16/cf02a016-499a-11e7-a186-60c031eab644_story.html?utm_term=.d3a2b82ecaaa#comments


Yes this has been debated and discussed many times on this forum. Definitely a concern. Not to be part of this I just stand  away from the sidelines at an angle to the field for a good view. Or near the end line but away from the goal to not be considered an interference. I never say a word (but to myself) no mater what I see on the field.


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## watfly (Jun 19, 2017)

It's really unfortunate overall, but particularly troublesome when its directed at a youth ref.  The problem is only compounded by the explosive growth of club sports.  As others have mentioned it's always best for refs to deal with the problem parents through the coach and not directly with the parent.  Nothing positive can come from a ref dealing directly with an abusive parent, it only excerbates the situation.

We had an awesome ref this weekend for the finals of Pegasus.  He set a positive tone before the first whistle with the coaches, players and parents.  He was a top notch game manager and created an environment were it felt like everyone was working on the same team to create a fun and safe game.  Kudos.


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## SoccerFan4Life (Jun 19, 2017)

Refs should have a big sign on their back for parents to read.. "It's just youth soccer, your child is not the next Messi"     Paying more will not fix this.  Coaches need to control parents or parents need to control each other.


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## MWN (Jun 19, 2017)

Fact said:


> That's one reason I like teams and parents to sit on the same side.  A coach cannot know what a parent is saying from the opposite side of the field.


My experience is different and here is why:

(1) Coaches that demand "respect" by the players and parents have no issues with whatever side the parents are on.

(2) Coaches that are prone to disrespectful behavior tolerate parents that show the same qualities.  The "come on Ref!!!" shouts are intensified with the parents joining in the call they disagreed with.   Moreover, coaches that tend to argue calls tend to simply have no concept of the Laws relating to fouls (mostly, "handling" (or "handball")) and view every single foul through their rose-colored glasses, whether its trifling, careless, reckless or excessive ... everything is reckless or excessive.  This lack of knowledge infects the parents who are all in earshot and their support of the stupid-ass coach magnifies the sideline discord.  Depending on the age of the kids, the discord then infects the players.

(3) Controlling the sidelines is not the job of the coach.  This is the "Team Managers" job, which is why I make all the team managers sit on the parents sideline ... even though they like to sneak over to the coaches bench.  When I have a parent out of line, I address the parent's behavior with a verbal warning and make sure the "team manager" knows that both the parent and the manager will be watching from the parking lot if the behavior does not change.  The team managers are generally very quick to jump up and address the problem.  At half, I inform the coach as well.

(4) When parents are all on the same side, there is less frequent disrespectful or inflammatory comments at each other.  Its amazing the courage displayed by parents when separated by 75 yards.  Put them on the same side-line and "Mr. I'll Kick Your Ass" becomes just a parent.  Its kinda like the anonymity of the Internet Forums we see here. 

I tend to see far less "parent" problems with SCDSL and Cal South tournaments, like State and National Cup (that separates the sidelines) and more problems with CSL and Presidio that let's parents sit on opposite sides.  In addition, its much easier to manage substitutions and ascertain parent v. coach disrespect when they are separate.


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## Fact (Jun 19, 2017)

[QUOTE="MWN, post: 87038, member: 1744

(3) Controlling the sidelines is not the job of the coach.  This is the "Team Managers" job, which is why I make all the team managers sit on the parents sideline ... even though they like to sneak over to the coaches bench.  When I have a parent out of line, I address the parent's behavior with a verbal warning and make sure the "team manager" knows that both the parent and the manager will be watching from the parking lot if the behavior does not change.  The team managers are generally very quick to jump up and address the problem.


Wow you must have a lot of parents eager to be your team manager. Is there a waiting list I can get on?

I've seen more than a few managers afraid of parents on their own team and when a coach or DOC have told them it is their responsibility to control that parent, the typical response is Go to ...


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## watfly (Jun 19, 2017)

MWN said:


> My experience is different and here is why:
> 
> (1) Coaches that demand "respect" by the players and parents have no issues with whatever side the parents are on.
> 
> ...


Interesting take.  Other than item (1) and some of (2) my experience has been exactly the opposite of yours.  I've never heard that the team manager is primarily responsible for the parents. What's your basis for that conclusion?  The fact is gaming leagues typically state that the coaches are responsible for their spectators.  Furthermore, USSF advises refs to speak to the coach regarding problem parents.  So if a parent is acting up in a game do you tell the team manager to handle the parent?  Personally,  I have seen far more coaches control their parents' actions than I have seen parents mimic their coaches abuse when coach and parents are on the same sideline.

As far (4) goes its not even close,  there are far more problems between parents when both team's parents are on the same sideline. (Fortunately, on the flip-side there is also more opportunity for positive interactions when parents are on the same side).  Maybe as a ref you don't hear it because the banter is going down the same sideline and not across the field.  I guess it comes down to a matter of perspective.


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## MWN (Jun 19, 2017)

watfly said:


> Interesting take.  Other than item (1) and some of (2) my experience has been exactly the opposite of yours.  I've never heard that the team manager is primarily responsible for the parents. What's your basis for that conclusion?  The fact is gaming leagues typically state that the coaches are responsible for their spectators.  Furthermore, USSF advises refs to speak to the coach regarding problem parents.  So if a parent is acting up in a game do you tell the team manager to handle the parent?  Personally,  I have seen far more coaches control their parents' actions than I have seen parents mimic their coaches abuse when coach and parents are on the same sideline.
> 
> As far (4) goes its not even close,  there are far more problems between parents when both team's parents are on the same sideline. (Fortunately, on the flip-side there is also more opportunity for positive interactions when parents are on the same side).  Maybe as a ref you don't hear it because the banter is going down the same sideline and not across the field.  I guess it comes down to a matter of perspective.


_From the SCDSL Rules and Regulations:
g. Game procedures For all SCDSL games teams will sit on one side of the field and the spectators on the opposite side of the field mirroring their respective team. The Home team will have choice of bench. It is the responsibility of each team to monitor their spectator behavior during each game. Home team can’t be responsible for the behavior of the opposing team. Managers should introduce themselves to each other on the spectator side of the field. If issues arise, managers should handle by speaking to each other and having the manager speak directly to the spectator involved rather than confrontations between spectators._

My comment regarding "who's job" it is was, was jaded by the fact that I referee many SCDSL games and my kid plays in the SCDSL.  I appreciate that there is a difference between the various leagues and CSL and Presidio have a different take and put the responsibility on the coach.  When parents are on the same side, the Team Manager is the point of contact, not the coach.  Ultimately, we referees have a "toolbox" of techniques to get sideline compliance.  My personal experience is that I need fewer tool when the parents are on the same side.  I can address all parents by approaching a single sideline if I have to control behavior of both (the general rule) ... just much easier for me to scold the kids ... err ... adults acting like kids.


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## watfly (Jun 19, 2017)

MWN said:


> _From the SCDSL Rules and Regulations:
> g. Game procedures For all SCDSL games teams will sit on one side of the field and the spectators on the opposite side of the field mirroring their respective team. The Home team will have choice of bench. It is the responsibility of each team to monitor their spectator behavior during each game. Home team can’t be responsible for the behavior of the opposing team. Managers should introduce themselves to each other on the spectator side of the field. If issues arise, managers should handle by speaking to each other and having the manager speak directly to the spectator involved rather than confrontations between spectators._
> 
> My comment regarding "who's job" it is was, was jaded by the fact that I referee many SCDSL games and my kid plays in the SCDSL.  I appreciate that there is a difference between the various leagues and CSL and Presidio have a different take and put the responsibility on the coach.  When parents are on the same side, the Team Manager is the point of contact, not the coach.  Ultimately, we referees have a "toolbox" of techniques to get sideline compliance.  My personal experience is that I need fewer tool when the parents are on the same side.  I can address all parents by approaching a single sideline if I have to control behavior of both (the general rule) ... just much easier for me to scold the kids ... err ... adults acting like kids.


Thanks for the info.  We're playing SCDSL this fall so we will get to see how it works first hand.  I don't think our manager is aware of the rule, I'm sure she will be thrilled!  Of course, its much more difficult to have a confrontation when parents are on opposite sides.  Fortunately, parent v. parent confrontations are uncommon.


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## Surfref (Jun 19, 2017)

MWN said:


> My experience is different and here is why:
> 
> (1) Coaches that demand "respect" by the players and parents have no issues with whatever side the parents are on.
> 
> ...



I agree with almost everything you stated.  U13 and below I prefer teams with parents to be on the same touch line and the other team and parents across the field.  This seems to allow the coaches and managers greater control over the clueless parents.  The majority of the U14 and above have been around long enough to learn some of the LOTG and how they should be applied.  They usually behave themselves across the field from the coach.


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## Joe Diaz (Jun 19, 2017)

The need for more educated or more seasoned referees is evident.  The control of the game is necessary in order to avoid unnecessary injuries and disrespect from the parents.   I have seen a lot of refs that do not run close to the play and can't see fouls or jerseys being pulled.  Referees need to RUN and be close to the action.  There are no consequences for those refs who stay mostly in the middle of the field and don't set a pace of the game from the get go.   When the refs do a good job,  I like to thanked them after a game.


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## watfly (Jun 20, 2017)

MWN said:


> _From the SCDSL Rules and Regulations:
> g. Game procedures For all SCDSL games teams will sit on one side of the field and the spectators on the opposite side of the field mirroring their respective team. The Home team will have choice of bench. It is the responsibility of each team to monitor their spectator behavior during each game. Home team can’t be responsible for the behavior of the opposing team. Managers should introduce themselves to each other on the spectator side of the field. If issues arise, managers should handle by speaking to each other and having the manager speak directly to the spectator involved rather than confrontations between spectators._


I guess it depends on which quote we cherry pick from the SCDSL rules:

"Coaches are responsible for their team sideline and parent sideline and all actions therein. Coaches are expected to coach their teams in a positive and respectful manner. The SCDSL encourages referees to discipline any coach for irresponsible behavior if the coach, player or parent uses derogatory words or actions aimed at their players the opposing team’s players, coach or sideline or any of the referees."

Certainly the managers are used as a tool to keep parents in line (which is a good idea) but the coaches are ultimately responsible for the parents.


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## Striker17 (Jun 20, 2017)

Been both sides and not only does SCDSL not enforce this but Managers don't either. No one likes to be the one going up to anyone. It's a toothless rule and has been since 2014. 
I agree it all trickles down from the Coach. No one cares about the ref or another manager- they care if their coach benches their kid. That is the ONLY thing I have seen effective. Sad but true unfortunately


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## Sons of Pitches (Jul 6, 2017)

Silent September in South Carolina - no sounds from the sideline - just watch the game and shut up!!  

http://www.msn.com/en-us/sports/soccer/new-rule-requires-soccer-parents-to-be-silent-on-the-sidelines/ar-BBDQbHE?li=BBnbfcL&ocid=SK2GDHP


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## Grace T. (Jul 6, 2017)

Sons of Pitches said:


> Silent September in South Carolina - no sounds from the sideline - just watch the game and shut up!!
> 
> http://www.msn.com/en-us/sports/soccer/new-rule-requires-soccer-parents-to-be-silent-on-the-sidelines/ar-BBDQbHE?li=BBnbfcL&ocid=SK2GDHP


Not even cheering...wow!  But that's why it won't last...they are trying to immunize the refs by putting it on the coach but the ref is still required to take the first step.  Scenario: Kid makes a great goal snuffing the keeper.  Applause from the strikers bench, awwws from the keepers.  Ref now needs to make a decision....some will be sticklers, others will let the cheer slide because it was a great moment.  For the ones that let it slide, the line now becomes hard to draw....soon parents are yelling "get it", yelling instructions to players, yelling at the ref.  If the ref intervenes now, he has a fight because the parents and coaches will protest the other side just cheered for a goal but you did nothing.  If the ref does nothing, it spins out of control and the rule becomes toothless.  If the ref is a stickler in the first place....well maybe just maybe the parents get the message, but maybe someone in the crowd doesn't....it now becomes a major incident with the parents complaining well ref x didn't do it last week.  My prediction is that this is unlikely to work...that's why it's only a month...it's a bandaid.  Short of changing the culture (which would require changing all the incentives, including the payment systems for the coaches and refs and the recruiting process for the players and most importantly, the way playing time works), it's a bandaid and unlikely to have much impact beyond giving refs grief.  I know I wouldn't want to police this rule....a refs job is already hard enough as it is.


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## coachrefparent (Jul 6, 2017)

AYSO does this for a weekend. Its boring, no energy, and the players don't like it. But still better than the opposite side of the spectrum.


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## Grace T. (Jul 6, 2017)

coachrefparent said:


> AYSO does this for a weekend. Its boring, no energy, and the players don't like it. But still better than the opposite side of the spectrum.



As a ref I didn't like it either.  In our region, until over U10 you aren't supposed to throw anyone (coach, parent, player) out of the game if you could and you aren't supposed to show cards.  It left me in the roll of reminderer to the parents on top of having to ref the entire game by myself including watching constantly for the offside (no linesman).  I made an effort to skip that weekend ever since.  The parents of the littlest of the ULittles were the worst...they'd just ignore the rule (but then I had coaches on the field, sometimes physically moving their players).


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## coachrefparent (Jul 6, 2017)

Grace T. said:


> As a ref I didn't like it either.  In our region, until over U10 you aren't supposed to throw anyone (coach, parent, player) out of the game if you could and you aren't supposed to show cards.  It left me in the roll of reminderer to the parents on top of having to ref the entire game by myself including watching constantly for the offside (no linesman).  I made an effort to skip that weekend ever since.  The parents of the littlest of the ULittles were the worst...they'd just ignore the rule (but then I had coaches on the field, sometimes physically moving their players).


I wouldn't referee those games either. What region is this?


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## Grace T. (Jul 6, 2017)

coachrefparent said:


> I wouldn't referee those games either. What region is this?


I wouldn't badmouth a particular region online.  My experience with them, in any case, wasn't much out of line with the AYSO region for my older, or the Latino league.  Their hearts are in the right place and they do the best that they can, given what they have to work with.

I was just up at the LA Galaxy-SJ Earthquakes game.  Despite being warned against it, some people in the crowd still used the Spanish "P" word slur, plus not to mention "F-LA" and lot's of cursing out the refs for failures to call fouls which weren't (and in the end, the game was decided because the refs decided not to call a handball against San Jose in the penalty area).  And all with tons of children present for the fireworks (hey, think of the children!).  If the professional league is going to tolerate this kind of behavior from it's fans, hey that's where the bar gets set on down.


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## GunninGopher (Jul 7, 2017)

coachrefparent said:


> AYSO does this for a weekend. Its boring, no energy, and the players don't like it. But still better than the opposite side of the spectrum.


A few years back my daughter played AYSO as U10 and the region did a "Silent Saturday". The girls all said they liked it. We had a pretty good sideline on that team, too. I still like refereeing those games and enjoyed them as a parent. It is a little eerie, but like is quoted above, it is better than what we too often see. A minority of ignorant parents berating everyone and yelling stupid instructions to the players.

For me, it was a big eye opener and changed me as a parent/spectator. I think it is worthwhile. The purpose isn't to protect the referee's by the way, as was stated somewhere above. It is to get parents to take a step back and allow their own kid to play and have fun without being yelled at.


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## smellycleats (Jul 7, 2017)

SoccerFan4Life said:


> Refs should have a big sign on their back for parents to read.. "It's just youth soccer, your child is not the next Messi"     Paying more will not fix this.  Coaches need to control parents or parents need to control each other.


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