# Too much yelling?



## SoccerFan4Life (Sep 26, 2016)

At what point as a parent should you decide to switch your child to a new team.   I Have a situation  where the team is losing every week (playing above our level).  Coach is yelling every week at the kids asking them to play harder.   As a parent, I am fine for kids to get yelled when they are not playing well or making mistakes.  The problem that I have is that it's happening every week.  The coach yells and also threatens that kids  (my child) will be benched, dropped, etc.
The main problem is that we are a flight 2 team playing at flight 1 level (per coach decision). 

Not sure what to do on this one.   I am trying to teach my child that everyone yells and they need to deal with it.  I don't really believe in this type of behavior as eventually the kids will just here noise and not want to play soccer.    We worked so hard (several years) to make it to club and now I am regretting my decision to push them to club.

Should I start looking at a new team now or suck it up and wait until the end of the season.       Any advice?


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## jrcaesar (Sep 26, 2016)

That stinks ... makes for difficult car rides home for you and your child. 

You didn't mention the age, which will make some difference in the answer. But if it's my 11 y.o., no way we stick with a coach like this. "Everyone" does not yell.  Our family's POV is our son's coach's approach and demeanor is more important than the club, flight, or circuit he's in as this will be a role model for him in treating others. (But he's not pushing to make an Academy team.) I witnessed a Beach coach who was borderline abusive in criticizing his 12U boys after a tournament game loss. Couldn't imagine serving up my son to a season of that as a parent. 

So what are your options? Are other parents also upset about this? A club we were at brought in a coach with a complete team, and this coach was abusive to officials and others, just an embarrassment. But the team's parents seemed to be fine with it, and they won games. 

Best answer I'd offer is stick it out. If it's a big club, you could talk to the DOC about moving to another team and flight right now. Or at your games now identify which coaches your child plays that you "like" how they run games and begin dialogues with them or their parents - ask about their clubs and opportunities for the future. If you don't like how your coach acts during the games, odds are the opposing parents and coaches won't like him either and will lend you a sympathetic ear.

Hopefully others with more experience with this will weigh in.


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## bababooey (Sep 26, 2016)

IMHO, I would not allow my dd to play for a coach that is always yelling at the players. I think that every coach is going to have moments where yelling is needed to get their point across, but after a while, the kids tune them out.

Is your player learning (developing) with this coach and this team? Is your player getting more of the "abuse" than the other players? What are the other parents saying/doing about this?

What age group is your player at? This attitude/behavior may kill the passion for soccer your player has.


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## mirage (Sep 26, 2016)

I believe you've answered your own question.  You do not find the coach behavior acceptable to you; therefore, the only choice is to move.

Since everyone has different threshold of what is acceptable, and what is not, from any given coach, its not a question that anyone but you can determine for your own kid. 

Btw, not all coaches are constant yellers.  My older kid's coach doesn't yell and if he does, its a shocking exception when he does.  My younger kid's coach yells often but to be heard on the field for instructions during the games (most kids don't hear across the field) - things like "what do you see?", "where are your options?" and "take responsibility for your actions".

As for changing now, your option is limited.  I would wait until the end of the season or deal with putting your kid in some rec league now and leaving the club.  There's always an option to talk to DOC and the coach but it is most likely that the DOC will protect his own coaches for something like this.


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## socalkdg (Sep 26, 2016)

Positioning is the number one reason our coach yells.  The problem might be he doesn't yell loud enough.  Many times the girls don't hear, being 50 yards away.  If the parents are on the same side as the coach, it could sound loud when it really isn't.  

I'm a yeller for the AYSO GU12 team I coach, mostly positioning, options that they have, etc.  I'm constantly checking with the parents to make sure I'm not out of line, plus my wife keeps me in line.  I know I was a bit over the top in the first 10 minutes of our previous game as the girls had zero energy( as if I could light a fire under them).  They did come alive after the first substitution after a brief talk.  

I would think the older they get and the more experienced would lead to less and less in game corrections.


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## timbuck (Sep 26, 2016)

What age?
What is he yelling?  Instructions?  Criticism? Encouragement?
I have a booming voice that can be pretty loud.  As a coach, I've learned to chill out over the years. I used to be much too vocal.  How experienced is your coach at coach?  (I've found some coaches were/are great players.  But that doesn't mean they know how to coach kids).
Does your kid listen to what he is being told?  Or is the coach constantly reminding him of the same thing?  (I have a few of those players on my current team.)


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## coachrefparent (Sep 26, 2016)

SoccerFan4Life said:


> At what point as a parent should you decide to switch your child to a new team.  [...]      Any advice?


I would say at the point that:


> The coach yells and also threatens that kids (my child) will be benched, dropped, etc.


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## espola (Sep 26, 2016)

SoccerFan4Life said:


> At what point as a parent should you decide to switch your child to a new team.   I Have a situation  where the team is losing every week (playing above our level).  Coach is yelling every week at the kids asking them to play harder.   As a parent, I am fine for kids to get yelled when they are not playing well or making mistakes.  The problem that I have is that it's happening every week.  The coach yells and also threatens that kids  (my child) will be benched, dropped, etc.
> The main problem is that we are a flight 2 team playing at flight 1 level (per coach decision).
> 
> Not sure what to do on this one.   I am trying to teach my child that everyone yells and they need to deal with it.  I don't really believe in this type of behavior as eventually the kids will just here noise and not want to play soccer.    We worked so hard (several years) to make it to club and now I am regretting my decision to push them to club.
> ...


You should speak to the coach.  If you find that to be an uncomfortable thought, you may have answered your own question - get out now.

If you speak to the coach and you don't see anything change, go to the DOC and maybe the Club President or Board.   

Of course, if the Coach, DOC, and President are all the same person, and the Board is made up of his children and in-laws - good luck.


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## texanincali (Sep 26, 2016)

You should approach the coach and ask him what is being done (not being done) during the training sessions that requires him to coach so much during matches.  Coach instruction during a match is a balancing act - you don't want a coach that is silent and you don't want a coach joy sticking.  It is up to you to decide what is acceptable and what isn't.  My experience tells me that coaches who's training sessions are unorganized and not focused tend to be the ones that yell during a match.


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## GunninGopher (Sep 26, 2016)

My opinion of this, which I expressed to my daughter's first (inexperienced) club coach, is that coaches (adults/leaders) should concentrate on loudly verbalizing praise, and privately verbalizing criticism. *This goes for parents, too!! *No 11 year old wants to be criticized in public. It is sad to see a kid make a mistake and meekly look over to the sideline in anticipation of someone yelling to them what they should have done. 

Another thing that I would point out is some coaches yell a question like "Why kick it?" too often. Most often there isn't a "why", and they aren't expecting the answer anyways. Instead, say "Why not take the ball into space" or something like that.

The more you yell, the less it works. Coaching should be done in advance of games. Game time is reminder time. Short phrases and comments should suffice for that.

The most ironic thing I hear on the field is a coach constantly yelling "communicate".


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## watfly (Sep 26, 2016)

SoccerFan4Life said:


> The coach yells and also threatens that kids  (my child) will be benched, dropped, etc.


This is completely counterproductive.  Kids will only be afraid of making a mistake and will be reluctant to be creative and make their own decisions, which is the antithesis of soccer development.  

We had a similar situation last year and stuck it out and finished the year.  As long as your kid is not petrified to go to practices and games it might turn out to be a learning experience that will be useful later in life.


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## mommato2girls (Sep 26, 2016)

What does your child think? Does the yelling bother them? We've had a yelled for a coach before, I would literally sit way down  the field from him bc he was so loud. But it didn't phase my daughter one bit. She liked him. So is it your feeling or your childs? I think each kid is unique in what they need. Threatening to bench etc is exactly what our old team needed. But it was more like if you don't bust your butt out there there are a dozen girls behind you that want your spot on that field. I was okay with that. It falls in line with my own thinking, lose or win I don't care, make a goal or don't but come off that field head held high that you played your best and tried your hardest. If it didnt work well guess what we do it all again next week. So find out what exactly he's saying, why are the losing (lack of effort, etc?) And how your child feels. And realistically there are only about 10 weeks of season left...tryouts will be here again before you know it.


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## Surfref (Sep 26, 2016)

SoccerFan4Life said:


> At what point as a parent should you decide to switch your child to a new team.   I Have a situation  where the team is losing every week (playing above our level).  Coach is yelling every week at the kids asking them to play harder.   As a parent, I am fine for kids to get yelled when they are not playing well or making mistakes.  The problem that I have is that it's happening every week.  The coach yells and also threatens that kids  (my child) will be benched, dropped, etc.
> The main problem is that we are a flight 2 team playing at flight 1 level (per coach decision).
> 
> Not sure what to do on this one.   I am trying to teach my child that everyone yells and they need to deal with it.  I don't really believe in this type of behavior as eventually the kids will just here noise and not want to play soccer.    We worked so hard (several years) to make it to club and now I am regretting my decision to push them to club.
> ...



Not every coach yells.  Your DD should not have to learn to deal with yelling especially if it is an negative as you say.  My DD played for 4 coaches from U12 to U19.  Two of those coaches were negative yellers, one was a directive yeller but if a directive way, and one would say very little to the players and provide them with guidance once they came out of the game or after the game.  DD absolutely hated the two negative yellers and walked out of a practice at U13 and told me she was done and not going back.  I had her with another coach, directive yeller, within a week.  Good coach.  The next coach was another negative yeller and she left that team as soon as the fall season ended.  Then she got on a team with the coach that was positive which she responded and improved greatly.  Her current college coach is positive and says very little during the game and gives the players feedback when they come off the field or at practice.  DD says she will never play for a coach that yells again.

So, my advice.  Get you kid out of that toxic situation as soon as the fall season ends and the transfer window opens.  Check with the league to determine the date.


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## timbuck (Sep 26, 2016)

In a thread I posted earlier, someone said a kid should have several coaches when they are young.  Maybe it's true. But don't leave a good situation for the unknown. Know what works for your kid.


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## ALT_Dad (Sep 26, 2016)

A good coach doesn't threaten during games or shortly after games.  I good coach will take moments during games to provide timely instruction when the player will hear it (short stoppage) - often this is loud, perhaps yelling, but you can tell they are just conveying a message.  A good coach doesn't threaten benching, he/she takes a player out and talks to them about what they did wrong so they understand why they were taken out and can change it during the next time they are in.  

Some great advice above.  If in large club try to move. Tough to move to rec league, but could be an option.  Definitely talk to coaches/parents of other teams you play that are near you.  If you don't play some club teams that are close by, search out their games and watch the coach, meet parents and find out if you like it.  Develop relationships and as soon as the season is over, start practicing with those other teams before tryouts start.  

Good luck!


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## Sped (Sep 27, 2016)

SoccerFan4Life said:


> At what point as a parent should you decide to switch your child to a new team.   I Have a situation  where the team is losing every week (playing above our level).  Coach is yelling every week at the kids asking them to play harder.   As a parent, I am fine for kids to get yelled when they are not playing well or making mistakes.  The problem that I have is that it's happening every week.  The coach yells and also threatens that kids  (my child) will be benched, dropped, etc.
> The main problem is that we are a flight 2 team playing at flight 1 level (per coach decision).
> 
> Not sure what to do on this one.   I am trying to teach my child that everyone yells and they need to deal with it.  I don't really believe in this type of behavior as eventually the kids will just here noise and not want to play soccer.    We worked so hard (several years) to make it to club and now I am regretting my decision to push them to club.
> ...


I've seen this a lot - particularly with 2nd teams playing tier 1.  If a coach handles it well, it can still be a good season, but if they resort to yelling it kills the fun.  I've seen plenty of kids just walk away after a season like that.  Since we're almost in October, I'd say ride it for the rest of league and split.


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## outside! (Sep 27, 2016)

USYS has some advertising to the effect of "Never be a child's last coach". I quick search turned up a volleyball site, but the idea is the same. Maybe forward to your coach?
http://www.teamusa.org/USA-Volleyball/Features/2010/October/04/Never-be-a-Child-s-Last-Coach


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## timbuck (Sep 28, 2016)

Since you say the team is playing at the wrong level, can your team try to find a friendly or 2 against teams that are the right level?
Maybe then he/you/the team will see how much improvement there has been by playing out of your comfort zone.


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## Just a Parent (Sep 28, 2016)

SoccerFan4Life said:


> At what point as a parent should you decide to switch your child to a new team.   I Have a situation  where the team is losing every week (playing above our level).  Coach is yelling every week at the kids asking them to play harder.   As a parent, I am fine for kids to get yelled when they are not playing well or making mistakes.  The problem that I have is that it's happening every week.  The coach yells and also threatens that kids  (my child) will be benched, dropped, etc.
> The main problem is that we are a flight 2 team playing at flight 1 level (per coach decision).
> 
> Not sure what to do on this one.   I am trying to teach my child that everyone yells and they need to deal with it.  I don't really believe in this type of behavior as eventually the kids will just here noise and not want to play soccer.    We worked so hard (several years) to make it to club and now I am regretting my decision to push them to club.
> ...


The problem here from what I gather is not one of yelling but of a charlatan pretending to be a coach. I would not have my kid within fifty miles of this pretender even if he didn't yell.


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## Desert619 (Oct 2, 2016)

Sounds like you have a coach focused on wining and not developing. I'm in the same situation except we are a c team playing the lowest bracket. Our tryouts are in January. If this coach is staying with the team then I'm out. I hate to leave the club but again it all depends on this coach if he's keeping the team or not. Ugh I truly hope he doesn't.


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## SoccerFan4Life (Oct 12, 2016)

Thanks for everyone's advice.  I am looking forward to finding a new team with a coach that can provide a positive experience.   We are in last place and at this point most parents are ready to call it a season.  My first year of club experience has not been fun.  The only positive part is that the kids are forced to play harder against great talent. Unfortunately we lose by 4 to 6 goals per game.


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## outside! (Oct 12, 2016)

I would advise against having your team play State Cup. Find some way of getting your player to work on first touch (work with your player, privates, futsal or some combination). Make sure your player works on juggling at least a few times a week. While it will help in general, it will also help them to look good with a new team. After Thanksgiving, contact the coaches of teams you are interested in and ask to attend a few practices.


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## zebrafish (Oct 12, 2016)

My child has been through a similar season-- on a team that is playing a little above their tier due to a handful of weaker players. I think at one point they lost 20 games in a row. Some by ridiculous margins.

One thing I noticed is that parents care more about winning/losing than kids.

But one key difference is that my own kid's coach hasn't gone negative. He's remained positive. My daughter still wants to go to practice and games. She has fun. She likes her teammates. I still respect and like the coach.

Recently, they've won a few games. What a bonus!

So, I would focus on how you feel about the coach. Sounds like they aren't really the right coach for you/your kid. I agree that I would look to leave after the fall season.


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## Danny999 (Oct 22, 2016)

Yes,it is really important to tell our children that coach's yelling is not personal ,it is some kind of motivation,you don't want your children feel like thay are hated and play depressingly.


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## Jairzinho (Oct 23, 2016)

Everyone in this thread belongs in AYSO. Stay away from club. Seriously. Keep in mind, I don't even think clubs/leagues/tournaments should offer a Flight 2 (see also Dallas Cup), and these coaches/clubs forming F2 teams and putting them in F1 (see Beach FC) should face some sort of sanctions. Too bad it's all about money. We might actually get somewhere if we removed everyone looking for a "positive experience" aka "a good babysitter".

(Drops the microphone)wicked1


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## Flipthrow (Oct 23, 2016)

Cinch up those baggy jeans, take your mic, you've been booed off stage. The only thing weaker than your post is you checking your phone every five minutes to see if anyone liked it.


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## zebrafish (Oct 23, 2016)

Jairzinho said:


> Everyone in this thread belongs in AYSO. Stay away from club. Seriously. Keep in mind, I don't even think clubs/leagues/tournaments should offer a Flight 2 (see also Dallas Cup), and these coaches/clubs forming F2 teams and putting them in F1 (see Beach FC) should face some sort of sanctions. Too bad it's all about money. We might actually get somewhere if we removed everyone looking for a "positive experience" aka "a good babysitter".
> 
> (Drops the microphone)wicked1


Representing the Cobra Kai FC.

Sweep the leg.


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## Just a Parent (Oct 26, 2016)

Jairzinho said:


> Everyone in this thread belongs in AYSO. Stay away from club. Seriously. Keep in mind, I don't even think clubs/leagues/tournaments should offer a Flight 2 (see also Dallas Cup), and these coaches/clubs forming F2 teams and putting them in F1 (see Beach FC) should face some sort of sanctions. Too bad it's all about money. We might actually get somewhere if we removed everyone looking for a "positive experience" aka "a good babysitter".
> 
> (Drops the microphone)wicked1


I have never been involved in AYSO. But to pretend that somehow, "club" is better or superior is just asinine.


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## Laced (Oct 26, 2016)

Just a Parent said:


> I have never been involved in AYSO. But to pretend that somehow, "club" is better or superior is just asinine.


I don't think that's what he's saying. Doesn't make it any less unintelligent.


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## Laced (Oct 26, 2016)

Jairzinho said:


> Everyone in this thread belongs in AYSO. Stay away from club. Seriously. Keep in mind, I don't even think clubs/leagues/tournaments should offer a Flight 2 (see also Dallas Cup), and these coaches/clubs forming F2 teams and putting them in F1 (see Beach FC) should face some sort of sanctions. Too bad it's all about money. We might actually get somewhere if we removed everyone looking for a "positive experience" aka "a good babysitter".
> 
> (Drops the microphone)wicked1


Club soccer is not all about developing pro level players. From parents perspective, there're many other benefits for their kids to be involved in competitive sports. Few of us even want our kids to be pro soccer players. Most of us want our kids, through the game of soccer, to learn how to compete, how to work as a team, to be active and healthy, or simply to stay busy. Maybe "a positive experience" is not for your kids. It sure is for most of our kids.


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## SCS Fan (Oct 27, 2016)

Assuming you have other options for joining nearby clubs, don't even waste your time talking to this coach and get with another team.  Find a thread entitled “Switching clubs next year questions…” on Page 5 of SoCalScene, there you’ll find information on how to go about finding a different team.  Once league play is over you can reach out to other teams and practice with them to see if it is a good fit.  Keeping this all to yourself until you are set up with a new team.


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