# THE DO’S AND DON’TS OF TALKING TO YOUR KID’S COACH



## younothat (Nov 1, 2017)

Came across this and thought it has some interesting advice.
https://www.soccernation.com/the-dos-and-donts-of-talking-to-your-kids-coach/

Personally besides when they were very young I always encouraged by kids to talk to the coaches directly and take ownership of the situations.

One of my kids was frustrated at some point in his early teens and won't open up or talk like he wanted to with a coach partly due to a language barrier so we helped him out by asking the coach if he could bring a friend along that could help with the dialect.    Worked out well and they talked for a long time, the communication channel was kind of open up between them after that and they understood each other much better going foward.

"Do:

Ask about communication expectations at the beginning of the season. (And follow them) – Most coaches have preseason meetings to set the tone, expectations, and standards. In that meeting, if coach does not do it, request a set of expectations regarding how parents and coach are to communicate.

Choose the right time and place to do it – if there were no standards set at the preseason meeting, pick a good time. Right after a game, when you see coach at dinner with his family, or an email sent at 2 am may not be the best ways to do it.
Have the talk in person – the above rule brings about this rule. This kind of communication needs to be in person. It is too easy to dehumanize the other and write nasty things about them if you are not looking them in the eyes. Would you have this discussion with colleagues over text or email or in person?
Remain calm, professional, and collaborative – Coach will feed off your energy and vice versa. If you can approach it professionally and calmly, both parties can have a more productive conversation. I recently got into an argument with a neighbor regarding something he and his spouse did to my son. My anger had the best of me at first (and rightfully so). We both escalated quickly. Finally, we took a step back and took a deep breath. We agreed to talk calmly and the conversation was able to end without someone doing something he would later regret.
Discuss only facts that directly affect your kid and help with solutions to the problem – Do not use conjecture or put words or thoughts on coach. Only discuss what you actually know as facts and be willing to offer solutions or help with solutions. My son’s teacher was piling homework on him so heavily he was doing about an hour to 2 hours a night on one subject. My wife, instead of simply blasting the teacher, asked if there was another time we could have him do this “extra” work. The solution was in the morning before school started. We drop him off a few minutes earlier, and both teacher and parents are working together on it.
Respect Coach’s time, energy, and family – They are human. Respect how much they put into the role and that they, too, have a family.
Go into it knowing exactly what your kid wants and getting honest information – I’ve seen too many parents run into an argument with a coach without talking to their kid first. In fact, if the parent who texted me had checked with the kid first, the text would have never happened. Ask your kid how she feels about the situation and if what she wants as a result. Then stand your ground for her needs, not yours.
Stick to the things that can be controlled – You cannot control other kids, their parents, or coach’s strategic decisions. You can control things like getting your kid to practice on time, teaching her positive values, or modeling good behavior for him. So focus on what you and your kid can control.
Keep the focus on the most important person in the equation, but don’t forget there are all those teammates – This is about your kid. Not about a Facebook Brag, or living vicariously through him, or a judgement on your parenting. Keep it about your kid and remember coach has a team full of other parents and kids to balance as well, so be realistic.

Don’t:

Ambush Coach – No one likes being jumped by someone regarding a sensitive topic. Set up a meeting like you would in business and be clear on the purpose of the meeting ahead of time.
Come from a place of emotion – Facts. Stick to them. Leave the emotion on the sideline for this one.
Go over Coach’s head until you have at least tried working with coach first – I hear Directors complain about this all the time, and most good ones will send you right back to coach first. The fastest way to make it personal and escalate it (besides emotionally ambushing coach) is to go over her head. Go to the source first.
Question tactical coaching decisions – Coach does not come to your place of business and question you, don’t do it in her place of business. This is about controllables and your kid and not about how coach does her job.
Don’t make it personal between the adults – It is about the kids. Don’t make it about us adults. Ever.
Compare your kid with, or talk about other players – This yields no fruit and will only cause ill will. If someone else finds out you talked about their kid, now you have hurt kids and hurt parents and the entire culture will erode. Talk only about your child.
Forget to ask if your kid wants you to do this or if your kid could do this instead of you – Maybe this is an opportunity to learn a valuable life skill. Ask your kid to have the talk (unless you will have every hard conversation with all her/his bosses some day too). Coaches respect the parents and the players when the player is the one having the talk.
Ever yield on safety. If your child’s safety is called into question (whether it be returning to play too soon, being taught methods that could hurt her, or verbal abuse) walk away. It’s just a sport. Do not sacrifice the future for a game. Move on, and report coach to the club or governing body. "

So what does everyone think is there enough communications between players and coaches?  Also should parents be involved more or less?

A lot of people focus on stats (goals, assists, etc) when they talk to there coaches but there is a lot more to the game, picking or switching positions or roles is not something that the parents or players get that much say in &  seems to be one of areas of conflict.


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## El Clasico (Nov 1, 2017)

So this is recreational level right?  Where is the one for Club level? Love the don'ts, especially #4. What a stupid a** statement.  I have coaches come into my place of business all the time and question me. Which is their right, considering they are paying me for a product just like when they are coaching my children, I am paying them with the understanding that I have certain expectations of them so it is EXACTLY about how coach does her job.


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## Striker17 (Nov 1, 2017)

I love it when they compare it to schooling. No see at the school if there is an issue we have admin and regulatory body mediation- Club soccer nope. No need to engage. Protect your daughters and know you are the main advocate for recruitment


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## Frank (Nov 1, 2017)

#6 don't is sage advice


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## espola (Nov 1, 2017)

Looks like it was written by a DOC.


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## Soccer43 (Nov 1, 2017)

El Clasico said:


> So this is recreational level right?  Where is the one for Club level? Love the don'ts, especially #4. What a stupid a** statement.  I have coaches come into my place of business all the time and question me. Which is their right, considering they are paying me for a product just like when they are coaching my children, I am paying them with the understanding that I have certain expectations of them so it is EXACTLY about how coach does her job.


I couldn't agree more - why do parents have to do a tap dance when it comes to talking to the coach.  I am paying for a service, I have a right to demand a quality product and to communicate my expectations.  I could care less about the coach having a family and respecting his time, blah, blah... this is his or her job, the coach is being paid as a "professional" - grow up


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## Soccer43 (Nov 1, 2017)

And also, where is the list of Dos and Don'ts on how a coach should talk to a parent - any one want to add to that list?


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## xav10 (Nov 1, 2017)

Soccer43 said:


> I couldn't agree more - why do parents have to do a tap dance when it comes to talking to the coach.  I am paying for a service, I have a right to demand a quality product and to communicate my expectations.  I could care less about the coach having a family and respecting his time, blah, blah... this is his or her job, the coach is being paid as a "professional" - grow up


You’re paying for a service? Are you talking about private? Paying fees for your kid to be on a soccer team is not paying for a service. You think the coach works for you? Jesus do you have it wrong.


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## El Clasico (Nov 1, 2017)

Let's examine this...Generally speaking, if they didn't know how to kick a soccer ball, most of the coaches out there would be polishing my car at the local carwash. I realize that the chump doesn't work for me, but rather the carwash owner, but to suggest that I am not paying for a service when I pay for my carwash is just ignorance or stupidity.


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## Multi Sport (Nov 1, 2017)

Soccer43 said:


> I couldn't agree more - why do parents have to do a tap dance when it comes to talking to the coach.  I am paying for a service, I have a right to demand a quality product and to communicate my expectations.  I could care less about the coach having a family and respecting his time, blah, blah... this is his or her job, the coach is being paid as a "professional" - grow up


I'm guessing because most parents will approach the coach in an emotional way. Most parents probably believe they know more then the coach. Not that any of that has ever prevented a parent from approaching a coach before...


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## xav10 (Nov 1, 2017)

El Clasico said:


> Let's examine this...Generally speaking, if they didn't know how to kick a soccer ball, most of the coaches out there would be polishing my car at the local carwash. I realize that the chump doesn't work for me, but rather the carwash owner, but to suggest that I am not paying for a service when I pay for my carwash is just ignorance or stupidity.


You people are out of your minds. I played sports my whole life and had one son play club and academy and college and have another at academy. It’s not the parent’s trip, it’s the kid’s. The coach doesn’t work for you. The coach works for the club. My parents never spoke to any of my coaches. Pay your money and shut up. What do you think it’s about? Maybe you get one or two meetings per year with your minor child for an evaluation, but that’s it.


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## Bubba (Nov 1, 2017)

xav10 said:


> You people are out of your minds. I played sports my whole life and had one son play club and academy and college and have another at academy. It’s not the parent’s trip, it’s the kid’s. The coach doesn’t work for you. The coach works for the club. My parents never spoke to any of my coaches. Pay your money and shut up. What do you think it’s about? Maybe you get one or two meetings per year with your minor child for an evaluation, but that’s it.


Wow , this is the ideal parent that club soccer dreams about "Pay your money and shutup".


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## Soccer43 (Nov 1, 2017)

It may be my kids trip but it is my money that pays for it all and without MY money there is no club and no job for the coach


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## Soccer43 (Nov 1, 2017)

xav10 said:


> You people are out of your minds. I played sports my whole life and had one son play club and academy and college and have another at academy. It’s not the parent’s trip, it’s the kid’s. The coach doesn’t work for you. The coach works for the club. My parents never spoke to any of my coaches. Pay your money and shut up. What do you think it’s about? Maybe you get one or two meetings per year with your minor child for an evaluation, but that’s it.


So you own the parents and the coaches ("my parents" "my coaches")?  You are out of your mind not me.   Parents don't work for you it is the other way around - unless you want to do all that for free you don't exist without my pocketbook.  That's the reality.  What do you think it is about?


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## uburoi (Nov 1, 2017)

Soccer43 said:


> It may be my kids trip but it is my money that pays for it all and without MY money there is no club and no job for the coach


Have it your way then. Your kid will not play and your reputation will follow him/her everywhere. Best of luck.


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## uburoi (Nov 1, 2017)

Soccer43 said:


> And also, where is the list of Dos and Don'ts on how a coach should talk to a parent - any one want to add to that list?


The best coach my DD ever had told her that he doesn’t talk to parents, and if the parents try to talk to him their kid won’t play.


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## espola (Nov 1, 2017)

uburoi said:


> The best coach my DD ever had told her that he doesn’t talk to parents, and if the parents try to talk to him their kid won’t play.


When I was on the club BOD, we fired coaches like that.


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## Soccer43 (Nov 1, 2017)

uburoi said:


> Have it your way then. Your kid will not play and your reputation will follow him/her everywhere. Best of luck.


Yes there is always that - I will take your money while I also threaten you and punish your child.  You are missing the point - my DD is strong and independent and she has been taught that if there is a problem it is up to her to talk it out with the coach and that is on her.  I don't fight my players battles.  I do however expect respect from the coach to us as parents and to my DD.  Too often coaches are on a power trip and forget that the players are children and part of a family that is bigger than a coaches ego.


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## smellycleats (Nov 1, 2017)

uburoi said:


> The best coach my DD ever had told her that he doesn’t talk to parents, and if the parents try to talk to him their kid won’t play.


If the player is a minor, a parent had better be involved. Please refer to past threads regarding coach Vince Thomas from Eagles who stands accused of sexually assaulting a 14 year old player.


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## xav10 (Nov 2, 2017)

Soccer43 said:


> So you own the parents and the coaches ("my parents" "my coaches")?  You are out of your mind not me.   Parents don't work for you it is the other way around - unless you want to do all that for free you don't exist without my pocketbook.  That's the reality.  What do you think it is about?


No, I meant my coaches who coached me as a kid and my actual mom and dad. 
Parents pay league and/or team (or club) fees, that's it. To think that this makes them the coach's employer is way off base.


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## Bubba (Nov 2, 2017)

xav10 said:


> No, I meant my coaches who coached me as a kid and my actual mom and dad.
> Parents pay league and/or team (or club) fees, that's it. To think that this makes them the coach's employer is way off base.


You have to look at your fee's breakdown. On all the club's my children have played on there is a section for the coaches fee, so your statement above is all wrong


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## Striker17 (Nov 2, 2017)

uburoi said:


> The best coach my DD ever had told her that he doesn’t talk to parents, and if the parents try to talk to him their kid won’t play.


I wish there was a scary or chilling icon...
The person you are describing is frightening on many levels. 
Also for the record one coach I know who did that exact speech got “let go”.


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## xav10 (Nov 2, 2017)

Bubba said:


> You have to look at your fee's breakdown. On all the club's my children have played on there is a section for the coaches fee, so your statement above is all wrong


Wow, that’s some helicopter parent b.s. right there. You’re obviously not seeking the dialogue to improve your kid’s soccer...because nobody does this at the higher levels anywhere in the world...so what’s the point?


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## Soccer43 (Nov 2, 2017)

xav10 said:


> You people are out of your minds. I played sports my whole life and had one son play club and academy and college and have another at academy. It’s not the parent’s trip, it’s the kid’s. The coach doesn’t work for you. The coach works for the club. My parents never spoke to any of my coaches. Pay your money and shut up. What do you think it’s about? Maybe you get one or two meetings per year with your minor child for an evaluation, but that’s it.


Based on your statement this thread should never have even been started.  You don't need a list of dos and don't if you aren't supposed to talk to the coach in the first place


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## Soccer43 (Nov 2, 2017)

xav10 said:


> Wow, that’s some helicopter parent b.s. right there. You’re obviously not seeking the dialogue to improve your kid’s soccer...because nobody does this at the higher levels anywhere in the world...so what’s the point?


What are you talking about?  Your response to Bubba doesn't even make sense.  The post was about the financial aspect of what fees are for and what expenses they cover.  Where do you think the $ comes from to pay the coach's salary?  The club owners do not make a charitable donation to pay a coach.  They get money from the parents to cover all the expenses of the club including salaries.  Remember we are talking about children (minors). Many who don't even drive themselves to practices.  If you are talking about world soccer - don't have many details about that but from what I hear the finances and costs are quite a bit different and coaches, clubs not getting paid high dollars from the parents of the children/players.


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## xav10 (Nov 2, 2017)

Soccer43 said:


> What are you talking about?  Your response to Bubba doesn't even make sense.  The post was about the financial aspect of what fees are for and what expenses they cover.  Where do you think the $ comes from to pay the coach's salary?  The club owners do not make a charitable donation to pay a coach.  They get money from the parents to cover all the expenses of the club including salaries.  Remember we are talking about children (minors). Many who don't even drive themselves to practices.  If you are talking about world soccer - don't have many details about that but from what I hear the finances and costs are quite a bit different and coaches, clubs not getting paid high dollars from the parents of the children/players.


But what does my kid’s life on the soccer field have to do with me? I talk to my kid’s schoolteacher maybe twice per year? YMCA, little league, AYSO, club Soccer, they all cost money. My role is to drive and watch. Please explain what I’m missing. I have a DA kid and a club kid and I talked to their coaches once when they joined last summer and not since. Why would i?


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## SBFDad (Nov 2, 2017)

The right answer is probably somewhere in the middle, with a lean towards player/coach communication. Ideally, that communication is strong and the coach empowers their players to advocate for themselves, especially as they grow older. The older they get, the more you should expect from the player in this area. But if that communication breaks down, a parent should advocate for their kid. The problem is most parents don’t know when and how to approach a coach and when to back off and let their kid take care of it. It compels coaches to write articles like this or institute excessively rigid rules like no parent-to-coach communication at all. I get it, but I don’t agree. A parent should have access to a coach if necessary, but the culture should be player/coach relationship first.


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## Bubba (Nov 2, 2017)

xav10 said:


> Wow, that’s some helicopter parent b.s. right there. You’re obviously not seeking the dialogue to improve your kid’s soccer...because nobody does this at the higher levels anywhere in the world...so what’s the point?


Wow  again ! So far I have received these pearls of wisdom from you "Pay your money and shutup" ,"My role is to drive and watch" and just write checks without knowing what the money is used for. You are the ideal club parent , wallet open , don't question anything if you have any doubts. Good luck with that.


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## watfly (Nov 2, 2017)

xav10 said:


> Pay your money and shut up.





uburoi said:


> The best coach my DD ever had told her that he doesn’t talk to parents, and if the parents try to talk to him their kid won’t play.


Yikes.  IMO these are good examples of what Claudio Reyna says is the problem with American coaches...ARROGANCE.  Let's dispel the notion that the parents aren't the customer.  By very definition the individual that purchases the services is the customer, your child is the beneficiary.  Who do the clubs market to? The parents.  Of course, some coaches/DOCs are more then willing to engage with parents and tell them how good their kid is when selling the club, but as soon as you write the check the parent is persona non grata and the feedback stops.  The fact that many clubs don't recognize the parent as a customer after payment is one of the problems with club soccer.

Now I'm not condoning pestering the coach.  As with any situation in life,  it has a lot to do with the delivery.  The best advice on the list is don't be emotional (wait 24-48 hours after a game) and don't mention other players, unless its a safety issue.  Sometimes parents just want some clarification and its not a complaint, yet the coaches treat it as some dumb parent questioning their decisions.  Personally, I wish coaches would provide more proactive feedback, particularly, when it comes to areas that the child needs to improve in.


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## sandshark (Nov 2, 2017)

Soccer43 said:


> And also, where is the list of Dos and Don'ts on how a coach should talk to a parent - any one want to add to that list?


 I was going to ask that same question! Someone needs to post that question.


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## Keepermom2 (Nov 2, 2017)

I am going to hit two threads in one.  As a business person that has been in this "Club Soccer" world for a short time, I have come to realize that the mergers of clubs are about economies of scale i.e. cut the cost of coaches through increasing the number of teams per coach and decrease the number of individual training like Keeper training through combining it with a team practice or having a large age span for training with large number of kids per one trainer.   In addition, they create a monopoly which is prevented in the Corporate world through regulation for good reason.  I naively thought it would be different at a local small club and was so wrong.  After my local club experience with my older daughter, I told my younger daughter that "No one gives a shit about you as a person in this soccer world and you have to be prepared to deal with that.  You take what you can from them and don't expect anything from them.  Do you still want to do it?"  This was before I read this board and realized that statement out of anger was more true than I thought.  

When you talk about communication with a coach, it goes both ways.  I had sent an email to the local club coach asking him if he was replacing my older daughter as Keeper.  He said no.  As time went on this Keeper was practicing with our team and never committing to the team.  She was bigger than my daughter but overall not better.  She couldn't dive if her life depended on it and my daughter was faster and more aggressive.  The bigger thing was that the girl was not committed to the team and I knew she never would commit because her main sport was volleyball.  He said she was but he lied.  I recently looked, and she is not on the roster.   Even so, I asked the coach to give my daughter a heads up if he wasn't going to play her so she could emotionally prepare herself.  He knew that I adopted her from an orphanage at the age of 4.5 years old too and I told him she needed to prepare herself emotionally.  She was working so hard too and he had previously told her she was the reason they won a couple of the games!  He didn't play her at playoffs at all and had no communication with her.   She was absolutely humiliated as she was the only one that didn't play and this could have been prevented if he had a discussion with her prior to the games.   This hit her much harder than other kids because of her background.  Rejection is deep in a child that was adopted.  After that she gave him a chance to apologize and he turned it around and made it her fault.  She no longer plays soccer.     

To the coaches on this board, recognize you have an impact on the individual may it be positive or negative.  When you come to the end of your life you will only be thinking about what difference you made in this world or in an individual's life.  I know this because I was on my death bed for a long period of time and walked the halls of the cancer ward and that is what all of us talked about.  You as a coach have the special opportunity to help a kid believe in themselves and to do better which can have a huge impact.  I encourage you to do a test and pick a kid who needs encouragement and watch what can happen.  They look up to you and what you say to them they take to heart.  So pardon us parents if we are trying to get you to communicate with our kiddos.  They are kids in various stages of emotional development.  I speak for my 11 year old because she is too scared to do it right now.  I talk to her about every feeling and do my best to speak for her.   

Having said all of this, and it is a lot, I realized my high expectations is not realistic in this soccer world so beating my head against a wall expecting it is futile.   We have to work around it regardless of how counter intuitive it is.  One more thing to coaches, if you communicated more with us  and our kids up front, it would probably decrease the amount we need to communicate with you.  What seems obvious to you isn't so obvious to us.  I always feel like I am wondering in the night not knowing what is going on begging for one flash light and doing my best to figure it out.  My daughter often asks me why this or that and I can't answer her.  You coaches are the one's with the answers.


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## younothat (Nov 2, 2017)

The author was a soccer parent/coach who is now just a coach so his perspective is his own.

We've been fortunate to have pretty good communication between coaches and our kids through out the years but  I do think its one area that we all can improve on, clubs, coaches, parent, players.

If your player is on a sponsored or funded team perceptive can be different and people see the economics differently also.

This time of year is normally when you start to hear the grumblings from whoever about playing time, positions,  wins, losses, camp invites, etc no mater if you team is doing well, improving, or not. 

Sometimes  the banter is not all that productive because its just talk between parents, players, or whoever and the coach is not in the loop or whatever and that's can be unfortunate, missed opportunity to talk things out.

Some kids have a difficult time speaking up and they will complain to their mates or parents but are a bit reluctant to speak there mind with their coach(es)

At most school we now have these on-line tools to see our kids daily, weekly assignment, grades, absences, whatever and can easily see whats going on or  correspond with the educational folks.

Youth soccer is much difficult to find out whats going on sometime and I think that  lack of info, frustration, and confusion are the source of some of the perceived problems.  

So how do we approve communications?  I think almost everyone could agree that there should be more open communications?

How about a few minutes each months where each player/coach can talk one on one?.  Once a quarter or something have the parent also attend a session.   One or twice a year have the directors day where you could schedule a 5-10 time to have the player or parents talk with them.

Just throwing out ideas but I think this is one area we could improve one , getting the biyearly evalues without prior communications  or understanding is like getting a report card in the old days and there is bound to be some surprises.


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## watfly (Nov 2, 2017)

Keepermom2 said:


> One more thing to coaches, if you communicated more with us  and our kids up front, it would probably decrease the amount we need to communicate with you.  What seems obvious to you isn't so obvious to us.





younothat said:


> Youth soccer is much difficult to find out whats going on sometime and I think that  lack of info, frustration, and confusion are the source of some of the perceived problems.


Excellent points.


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## Lambchop (Nov 2, 2017)

SBFDad said:


> The right answer is probably somewhere in the middle, with a lean towards player/coach communication. Ideally, that communication is strong and the coach empowers their players to advocate for themselves, especially as they grow older. The older they get, the more you should expect from the player in this area. But if that communication breaks down, a parent should advocate for their kid. The problem is most parents don’t know when and how to approach a coach and when to back off and let their kid take care of it. It compels coaches to write articles like this or institute excessively rigid rules like no parent-to-coach communication at all. I get it, but I don’t agree. A parent should have access to a coach if necessary, but the culture should be player/coach relationship first.


The reality is that yes it should be player to coach but many of the players are afraid of the coach.  Hmmm, why is that?


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## SBFDad (Nov 2, 2017)

Lambchop said:


> The reality is that yes it should be player to coach but many of the players are afraid of the coach.  Hmmm, why is that?


Prime example of player/coach communication breakdown. Parents need to engage at this point.


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## timbuck (Nov 2, 2017)

I'm not sure which is more concerning -  That someone had to create a list for how to talk to a coach.  Or that people are arguing about it.

I am pretty sure that when a player leaves a team because of "coaching" - it's because that coach is a horrible communicator.  Coaches using a team manager has a mouthpiece/proxy is weak.  We are coaching kids, not the Lakers.  This standoff approach to dealing with parents is ridiculous.  Engage them.  Let them know your philosophy / plan for the season.  Talk to them about what you will be training.  Talk to them about various systems of play that you might use.  If your team has a crappy game, acknowledge some of the reasons why.  If your team has an amazing game, talk about some of the reasons why.  If a kid has a great game, text the parents and tell them specifically what you liked about their performance that day.  If a kid has a horrible game, reach out and discuss what they can do to make up for it.
Most soccer parents are pretty clueless about the nuances of soccer. They see a "big kick" as a sign of a good player.  Or that their super fast kid with the touch of a donkey should get more playing time than the slower kid who makes the right decision with the ball every time.  

If as a parent, you are mad or have a question about something, you have every right to ask the coach about it.  But probably not immediately after the game has ended.  And certainly not while the game is being played.  Unless it is a safety issue, the 24 hour rule is a good one to follow.  Sleep on it.  Shoot your coach a note and ask for a meeting.  Buy him a cup of coffee or a beer.
But ask your kid about it first.  You'd be surprised what kids have to say. 
Examples:
Dad: "How come you only played 5 minutes in the 2nd half?  
Kid: "I told the coach that I was about to throw up and I didn't feel well.  He kept asking me if I was ready to go in.  I didn't want to barf all over the field."

Mom: "Your coach needs to make sure that you are playing striker all the time.  Doesn't he realize how good you are?"
Kid "Coach pulled me aside yesterday and told me that he thinks I am one of the top 5 players in this age group.  He said he wants me to try other positions because if I ever move to a new team, it will be better for me to be versatile.  He said that he knows that I can score goals, but wants me to read the game from different positions."

Dad: "How come you played goal keeper?  That's not your position."
Kid: "It was my turn.  We rotate for now.  And the girl who was supposed to play in goal, had a really sore wrist from a gymnastics meet she had yesterday.  I volunteered to play in goal.  It's kinda fun!"

Of course, there are just some jackass coaches out there that probably require your intervention:

Dad: "You played great.  Why did you come off of the field crying at halftime?"
Kid:  "Coach told me that if I didn't slide tackle #12, then I would sit the bench in the 2nd half.  I was afraid to get a red card again, so I didn't do it."

Mom:  "Why aren't you eating your lunch?"
Kid:  "Coach told me I am too slow and that I need to lose weight if I want to be faster"


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## xav10 (Nov 2, 2017)

Bubba said:


> Wow  again ! So far I have received these pearls of wisdom from you "Pay your money and shutup" ,"My role is to drive and watch" and just write checks without knowing what the money is used for. You are the ideal club parent , wallet open , don't question anything if you have any doubts. Good luck with that.


I have had good luck with it, as I have stated. My kids are top-flight soccer players. Why would I need to talk to the coach? I managed a team once and I recognized that parents who thought because they were good at business meant they should have coaches listen to them were the surest avenue to the kid's mediocrity. You haven't answered the question; what does you talking to the coach help your kid enjoy and/or improve his/her soccer, that the kid can't learn by him/herself?


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## xav10 (Nov 2, 2017)

timbuck said:


> I'm not sure which is more concerning -  That someone had to create a list for how to talk to a coach.  Or that people are arguing about it.
> 
> I am pretty sure that when a player leaves a team because of "coaching" - it's because that coach is a horrible communicator.  Coaches using a team manager has a mouthpiece/proxy is weak.  We are coaching kids, not the Lakers.  This standoff approach to dealing with parents is ridiculous.  Engage them.  Let them know your philosophy / plan for the season.  Talk to them about what you will be training.  Talk to them about various systems of play that you might use.  If your team has a crappy game, acknowledge some of the reasons why.  If your team has an amazing game, talk about some of the reasons why.  If a kid has a great game, text the parents and tell them specifically what you liked about their performance that day.  If a kid has a horrible game, reach out and discuss what they can do to make up for it.
> Most soccer parents are pretty clueless about the nuances of soccer. They see a "big kick" as a sign of a good player.  Or that their super fast kid with the touch of a donkey should get more playing time than the slower kid who makes the right decision with the ball every time.
> ...


You're joking, right? So the coach has 2 jobs? Coaching on the field and coffee klatsches with mom and dad off the field? OMG.


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## jsmaxwell (Nov 2, 2017)

timbuck said:


> ...the touch of a donkey...


Something about that phrase made me laugh out loud.


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## Striker17 (Nov 2, 2017)

jsmaxwell said:


> Something about that phrase made me laugh out loud.


Because we have all seen it


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## GKDad65 (Nov 2, 2017)

Becareful talking to a coach.  I my experience many of them are quite immature and may not have the background and experience that you would expect.  You'll recognize the ones that you can have 
a legitimate conversation without hurting their feelings.  Ask around.  Of course, there are many outstanding coaches out there, also.


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## jsmaxwell (Nov 2, 2017)

Striker17 said:


> Because we have all seen it


Yeah...mostly at CDA.


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## Not_that_Serious (Nov 2, 2017)

coach works for the club. you can ask why your kid doesnt get playing time, or why they played a certain way but you have no say in if your kid plays or tactics. just like the coach isnt going to your job and telling you how to: flip the burger, mow the lawn, clean the pool, sell some dude a policy, build a rocket, rebuild an engine or attach trumps head onto obama's body.  

so you are going to tell a coach, who has probably played pro/national team/academies in Europe, coach odp, coach collegiate soccer, probably has at least a C license, etc, about his tactics or player choice?  if the coach doesnt show up to practices, isnt showing up to games, or letting kids goof around, you are correct. To tell your coach what YOUR expectations are sounds like the arrogance Claudio Reyna spoke of. Ive manage a few years now and seen some crazy unrealistic expectations come from parents mouths. maybe your expectations are fair, but most coaches are not going to change how they do things because of parents. 

i do agree, coaches arent there to power trip and if they are loud then maybe the child shouldnt be coached by them. see this at the field my kid has private group training at. the club has yell first, explain 2nd coaches.  best coaches explain and yell when they need to.


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## Not_that_Serious (Nov 2, 2017)

xav10 said:


> You people are out of your minds. I played sports my whole life and had one son play club and academy and college and have another at academy. It’s not the parent’s trip, it’s the kid’s. The coach doesn’t work for you. The coach works for the club. My parents never spoke to any of my coaches. Pay your money and shut up. What do you think it’s about? Maybe you get one or two meetings per year with your minor child for an evaluation, but that’s it.


i agree to a point. when it comes to the actual soccer, parents have no input. the only time parents should get involved is if they arent playing much - im talking 1/4 of a game or less.  if the kid can guest on another team the coach should be trying to find the kid some time. wont get better not playing.  cant demand them to play, but should see if he/she can help get them some field time. now if you are at the lowest flight, cant really go anywhere else. evaluations are good if you are willing to hear it. some parents dont want to hear their kid isnt focused, or not into soccer, swears like a sailor or has other deep behavior issues.


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## El Clasico (Nov 2, 2017)

xav10 brings up a perspective that we may be over looking.  While, it is my belief that a parent should communicate with a coach, there are exceptions.  Parents of the welfare players, the "top-flight" players that don't pay because the other kid's parents pay for it, or the fully funded academy kids or maybe even the kids in college on scholarship, maybe should "sit down and shut up". After all, you really have nothing invested anyway.

But here is the thing...have a child who was/is a very good player.  We created a plan based on what the child wanted and executed. Made the mistake with this child of always being completely upfront with the coach(s). Heavily tracked and recruited by coaches from other clubs which was always complete B.S. sales jobs. Stayed with the club that worked within players plan even though there were many run ins with the club/coach (not traveling to east coast, etc. but was upfront about it from the beginning - before signing). When things like this did occur, coaches would always denigrate my player for not helping the team. They always talked behind players back but sucked up to players face. Over the years, I felt bad and angry as others players would be let go for the same reasons just because they were not at the same level.  Player ended up getting an academic  scholarship to a very prestigious school. Didn't seek athletic scholarship, nor are they offered by this institution. After coach/club heard the news, the club had the arrogance to put players name and picture on website implying that they had something to do with player's achievement. Ironically, they were an impediment along the way and they wanted to take credit for player's success after the fact. Had to send a letter to club demanding that they remove name and picture from website. Player has graduated and now started law school.

I will not dismiss the positives that team (especially competitive) sports provides to any child looking to get ahead in life but I also realize that success has more to do with the player and the parents than any coach/club unless you are only interested in going Pro. In other words, I am not sure what would have happened or where we would be today if we just "sit down and shut up". In fact, with all my player's coaches, I am the first one to stand and ask questions.

Lastly, I think that is pretty common knowledge that the best way to break the cycle of welfare is for an intervention. Try standing up for your child's interests, it might make you feel better and help break the cycle.


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## Keepermom2 (Nov 2, 2017)

El Clasico said:


> xav10 brings up a perspective that we may be over looking.  While, it is my belief that a parent should communicate with a coach, there are exceptions.  Parents of the welfare players, the "top-flight" players that don't pay because the other kid's parents pay for it, or the fully funded academy kids or maybe even the kids in college on scholarship, maybe should "sit down and shut up". After all, you really have nothing invested anyway.
> 
> But here is the thing...have a child who was/is a very good player.  We created a plan based on what the child wanted and executed. Made the mistake with this child of always being completely upfront with the coach(s). Heavily tracked and recruited by coaches from other clubs which was always complete B.S. sales jobs. Stayed with the club that worked within players plan even though there were many run ins with the club/coach (not traveling to east coast, etc. but was upfront about it from the beginning - before signing). When things like this did occur, coaches would always denigrate my player for not helping the team. They always talked behind players back but sucked up to players face. Over the years, I felt bad and angry as others players would be let go for the same reasons just because they were not at the same level.  Player ended up getting an academic  scholarship to a very prestigious school. Didn't seek athletic scholarship, nor are they offered by this institution. After coach/club heard the news, the club had the arrogance to put players name and picture on website implying that they had something to do with player's achievement. Ironically, they were an impediment along the way and they wanted to take credit for player's success after the fact. Had to send a letter to club demanding that they remove name and picture from website. Player has graduated and now started law school.
> 
> ...


Love this post and thank you for posting.  I just sat down with my 11 year old and built a plan with a section titled "Continued Enthusiasm for Soccer" so we could stay focused on what she wants and do what I could to help her with that.  The items mostly included personal development that would benefit on the soccer field but would also benefit her in life.


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## Soccer43 (Nov 2, 2017)

Coaches need to keep in mind that these kids are not race horses or car engines they are tinkering with.  These are human beings at an impressionable and vulnerable time and parents are responsible to help them navigate the world in many ways - the elite youth soccer world is just one of those places


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## Nutmeg (Nov 2, 2017)

xav10 said:


> But what does my kid’s life on the soccer field have to do with me? I talk to my kid’s schoolteacher maybe twice per year? YMCA, little league, AYSO, club Soccer, they all cost money. My role is to drive and watch. Please explain what I’m missing. I have a DA kid and a club kid and I talked to their coaches once when they joined last summer and not since. Why would i?


Well Dilly, Dilly for you. Consider yourself lucky that your kid  balls out every day and you don’t need to talk to anybody. Fantastic, you win the day.  But the day may come when yours does have an issue that requires you to get involved. Maybe off the field issue maybe an injury related topic. Who knows. Then what. These are kids under the age of 18 and at some point parents matter. Coaches want you to believe they are some enlightened species that can’t be bothered. Look we pay money, coaches and clubs provide the service. That’s the deal. If these clubs don’t want us to talk to them than I suggest they make soccer fully funded. But once you take money you open the door. (This is a whole other topic btw) You are not more enlightened by the laid back what am I missing attitude. Coaches should not have to be parents friends or even have to communicate daily with parents, no one here is asking that, but good coaches should and do encourage and open honest two way dialogue with parents.


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## Woobie06 (Nov 2, 2017)

This thread is very interesting.....we have a u12 player and from our perspective the most important things right now are developing (finding a team with a good coach, and the right level for her so she can play), and having fun.   Fun is number 1.....no college coach gives a rip about what a player did as a little.  Our coach is very open with parents, text, phone, email and a little too available in my opinion.  Parents are constantly calling, texting, etc. about playing time, position,or why this child is practicing occasionally with the older team and theirs is not.  Its a bit ridiculous.

I agree people need to worry about their own kids journey, but parents also have to make adult decisions, find the right level team for their player where they can play, develop and have fun....I have seen more of this than I should.....some parents pushing to get their kid who they KNOW is in over their head on a team, but are surprised when they don't rise and blame the club, coach, etc.  and choose to ignore their poor decision.   Did they make the decision for themselves or the kid?

I think in general parents are just as much to blame as the club or coach in many situations.   Communication is different at different age groups and genders, and in some cases players need to fight their own battles instead of mom and dad coming to the rescue and learn to problem solve on their own.  There is not a singular answer to the questions.


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## SBFDad (Nov 2, 2017)

Nutmeg said:


> Well Dilly, Dilly for you. Consider yourself lucky that your kid  balls out every day and you don’t need to talk to anybody. Fantastic, you win the day.  But the day may come when yours does have an issue that requires you to get involved. Maybe off the field issue maybe an injury related topic. Who knows. Then what. These are kids under the age of 18 and at some point parents matter. Coaches want you to believe they are some enlightened species that can’t be bothered. Look we pay money, coaches and clubs provide the service. That’s the deal. If these clubs don’t want us to talk to them than I suggest they make soccer fully funded. But once you take money you open the door. (This is a whole other topic btw) You are not more enlightened by the laid back what am I missing attitude. Coaches should not have to be parents friends or even have to communicate daily with parents, no one here is asking that, but good coaches should and do encourage and open honest two way dialogue with parents.


I agree for the most part, however...

Just because a team or player is funded doesn’t mean we as parents should lose our access to coaches when necessary. I will give you that in principle a “paying customer” should expect more say-so, but even the “free ride” requires parent intervention in some instances. I for one will never give 100% control over to a coach or organization where my son’s development, both as a player and a man, are concerned. Luckily he is in a place now where very little parent/coach interaction has been required, but that may not always be the case. I will continue to parent where I see fit.


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## Nutmeg (Nov 2, 2017)

SBFDad said:


> I agree for the most part, however...
> 
> Just because a team or player is funded doesn’t mean we as parents should lose our access to coaches when necessary. I will give you that in principle a “paying customer” should expect more say-so, but even the “free ride” requires parent intervention in some instances. I for one will never give 100% control over to a coach or organization where my son’s development, both as a player and a man, are concerned. Luckily he is in a place now where very little parent/coach interaction has been required, but that may not always be the case. I will continue to parent where I see fit.


You are right on.  I just wanted to spare everyone having to read my fully funded rant. But fully funded does not mean no parent involvement for me.


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## xav10 (Nov 2, 2017)

Nutmeg said:


> Well Dilly, Dilly for you. Consider yourself lucky that your kid  balls out every day and you don’t need to talk to anybody. Fantastic, you win the day.  But the day may come when yours does have an issue that requires you to get involved. Maybe off the field issue maybe an injury related topic. Who knows. Then what. These are kids under the age of 18 and at some point parents matter. Coaches want you to believe they are some enlightened species that can’t be bothered. Look we pay money, coaches and clubs provide the service. That’s the deal. If these clubs don’t want us to talk to them than I suggest they make soccer fully funded. But once you take money you open the door. (This is a whole other topic btw) You are not more enlightened by the laid back what am I missing attitude. Coaches should not have to be parents friends or even have to communicate daily with parents, no one here is asking that, but good coaches should and do encourage and open honest two way dialogue with parents.


Fair critique. I was overstating the case, no doubt, to make a point. Coaches are not sacrosanct and lord knows if I were one I wouldn't hesitate to speak to parents once in a while...


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## Not_that_Serious (Nov 2, 2017)

El Clasico said:


> xav10 brings up a perspective that we may be over looking.  While, it is my belief that a parent should communicate with a coach, there are exceptions.  Parents of the welfare players, the "top-flight" players that don't pay because the other kid's parents pay for it, or the fully funded academy kids or maybe even the kids in college on scholarship, maybe should "sit down and shut up". After all, you really have nothing invested anyway.
> 
> But here is the thing...have a child who was/is a very good player.  We created a plan based on what the child wanted and executed. Made the mistake with this child of always being completely upfront with the coach(s). Heavily tracked and recruited by coaches from other clubs which was always complete B.S. sales jobs. Stayed with the club that worked within players plan even though there were many run ins with the club/coach (not traveling to east coast, etc. but was upfront about it from the beginning - before signing). When things like this did occur, coaches would always denigrate my player for not helping the team. They always talked behind players back but sucked up to players face. Over the years, I felt bad and angry as others players would be let go for the same reasons just because they were not at the same level.  Player ended up getting an academic  scholarship to a very prestigious school. Didn't seek athletic scholarship, nor are they offered by this institution. After coach/club heard the news, the club had the arrogance to put players name and picture on website implying that they had something to do with player's achievement. Ironically, they were an impediment along the way and they wanted to take credit for player's success after the fact. Had to send a letter to club demanding that they remove name and picture from website. Player has graduated and now started law school.
> 
> ...


dont know if you use words for pure impact or really use them naturally, but in either case you seem to imply "welfare" cases shouldnt voice opinions. whether they play for free (or pay), scholarship or whatever, a player/parent/guardian should speak up if the child's wellbeing or development is an issue. in college, different story as they are adults who need to figure out solutions to problems - mainly on their own. everyone has a voice and shouldnt be scared to ask a question or speak about concerns. if the coach is an ass, or dont believe in how he works, move on. breaking up welfare via intervention? dont know what welfare cycle kids truly suffer at club soccer - unless we are talking about a child's well-being  and not $.  again, just need to let the kids play, and have realistic expectations. to make a written plan, not that serious.


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## Nutmeg (Nov 2, 2017)

xav10 said:


> Fair critique. I was overstating the case, no doubt, to make a point. Coaches are not sacrosanct and lord knows if I were one I wouldn't hesitate to speak to parents once in a while...


This is a well reasoned measured response. For what it is worth (not much mind you) You have my so cal Soccer blog award of the day to you sir.


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## Not_that_Serious (Nov 2, 2017)

Nutmeg said:


> You are right on.  I just wanted to spare everyone having to read my fully funded rant. But fully funded does not mean no parent involvement for me.


exactly. but thats the country club soccer attitude held by many.
 Me Pay So Much, You Pay Less. So My voice > Then Yours. I Pay Your Salary Coach, You Will Listen!


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## sandshark (Nov 2, 2017)

The clubs and coaches have somehow created an atmosphere in this business model that we should all be thankful they allow us to write them checks for $1000's & $1000's per year. They are always right and we are all simply just a step below equal to their superior life knowledge of how to raise our children, play sports or manage our 13 years olds soccer experience. Asking them questions about games, positions played and reasoning for team placement is  almost unthinkable by their superior standards of parent  (customer) to coach relations.
Like I have said before I have seen real men from the real world that run multi million dollar companies, with beautiful, loving, successful families bow to some two bit low level club coach when simply trying to get educated on some desicions the coach has made, not questioning the coaches ability just trying to learn what the coaches plan or strategy is?
I don't understand how this has happened other then clubs have learned how to prey on our love and respect for our children, so we make desisions based on love.
Because honestly if I had been conducting strictly business the past 14 years I would have told several coaches and clubs to screw off and refund my money now! The product was not as described, the quality was substandard and they service was horrific!
But we all seem to keep accepting this and they keep building a bigger businesses.
You have a question for a coach within the guild lines of being respectful and considerate of others I say walk up and ask the dam question!
If it's somewhat sensitive or has made you angry  then wait 24 hours and make the call. But don't ever think they are somehow doing you a favor by taking the time to actually do their job.


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## Nutmeg (Nov 2, 2017)

sandshark said:


> The clubs and coaches have somehow created an atmosphere in this business model that we should all be thankful they allow us to write them checks for $1000's & $1000's per year. They are always right and we are all simply just a step below equal to their superior life knowledge of how to raise our children, play sports or manage our 13 years olds soccer experience. Asking them questions about games, positions played and reasoning for team placement is  almost unthinkable by their superior standards of parent  (customer) to coach relations.
> Like I have said before I have seen real men from the real world that run multi million dollar companies, with beautiful, loving, successful families bow to some two bit low level club coach when simply trying to get educated on some desicions the coach has made, not questioning the coaches ability just trying to learn what the coaches plan or strategy is?
> I don't understand how this has happened other then clubs have learned how to prey on our love and respect for our children, so we make desisions based on love.
> Because honestly if I had been conducting strictly business the past 14 years I would have told several coaches and clubs to screw off and refund my money now! The product was not as described, the quality was substandard and they service was horrific!
> ...


Nailed it


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## Keepermom2 (Nov 2, 2017)

sandshark said:


> The clubs and coaches have somehow created an atmosphere in this business model that we should all be thankful they allow us to write them checks for $1000's & $1000's per year. They are always right and we are all simply just a step below equal to their superior life knowledge of how to raise our children, play sports or manage our 13 years olds soccer experience. Asking them questions about games, positions played and reasoning for team placement is  almost unthinkable by their superior standards of parent  (customer) to coach relations.
> Like I have said before I have seen real men from the real world that run multi million dollar companies, with beautiful, loving, successful families bow to some two bit low level club coach when simply trying to get educated on some desicions the coach has made, not questioning the coaches ability just trying to learn what the coaches plan or strategy is?
> I don't understand how this has happened other then clubs have learned how to prey on our love and respect for our children, so we make desisions based on love.
> Because honestly if I had been conducting strictly business the past 14 years I would have told several coaches and clubs to screw off and refund my money now! The product was not as described, the quality was substandard and they service was horrific!
> ...


This made me laugh at loud for a long time!  I have used words like "counter intuitive" but you said it much more succinctly!


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## Striker17 (Nov 2, 2017)

sandshark said:


> The clubs and coaches have somehow created an atmosphere in this business model that we should all be thankful they allow us to write them checks for $1000's & $1000's per year. They are always right and we are all simply just a step below equal to their superior life knowledge of how to raise our children, play sports or manage our 13 years olds soccer experience. Asking them questions about games, positions played and reasoning for team placement is  almost unthinkable by their superior standards of parent  (customer) to coach relations.
> Like I have said before I have seen real men from the real world that run multi million dollar companies, with beautiful, loving, successful families bow to some two bit low level club coach when simply trying to get educated on some desicions the coach has made, not questioning the coaches ability just trying to learn what the coaches plan or strategy is?
> I don't understand how this has happened other then clubs have learned how to prey on our love and respect for our children, so we make desisions based on love.
> Because honestly if I had been conducting strictly business the past 14 years I would have told several coaches and clubs to screw off and refund my money now! The product was not as described, the quality was substandard and they service was horrific!
> ...



You forgot 99.9 percent never played at a high level either. 
Even more humorous is most have never gone to a fine academic institution that the majority of us tend to try to get our children into. That’s even the funniest part. Would you actually trust them with admissions?! No thanks! Hard pass.


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## Not_that_Serious (Nov 2, 2017)

sandshark said:


> The clubs and coaches have somehow created an atmosphere in this business model that we should all be thankful they allow us to write them checks for $1000's & $1000's per year. They are always right and we are all simply just a step below equal to their superior life knowledge of how to raise our children, play sports or manage our 13 years olds soccer experience. Asking them questions about games, positions played and reasoning for team placement is  almost unthinkable by their superior standards of parent  (customer) to coach relations.
> Like I have said before I have seen real men from the real world that run multi million dollar companies, with beautiful, loving, successful families bow to some two bit low level club coach when simply trying to get educated on some desicions the coach has made, not questioning the coaches ability just trying to learn what the coaches plan or strategy is?
> I don't understand how this has happened other then clubs have learned how to prey on our love and respect for our children, so we make desisions based on love.
> Because honestly if I had been conducting strictly business the past 14 years I would have told several coaches and clubs to screw off and refund my money now! The product was not as described, the quality was substandard and they service was horrific!
> ...


the problem isnt questions, the problem is some THINK they are asking questions but more telling coaches what to do...or complaining about something.  Most parents only take away a couple things from a game: the score and how much time their kid played. They dont see their kid running out of position, or not doing what they are asked to do - especially at practice since most parents drop and leave. They dont see the gaping holes at the midfield, kids pulling up on balls, mids not tracking back on defense, -thus forcing changes during the game. They dont hear the coach yelling at their kid 3-4 times in a row to do something. Sometimes kids arent doing what they need to do - sometimes kids are lucky and shifted somewhere on the field and not pulled out completely. Good coaches tell kids why this happens.  Then when the kid is asked by parents "Why did you get pulled?", its "I dont know" or  or "Coach doesnt like me".  Had a kid get benched and played 1 man down because the kid was walking all game. Parent came over to ask the kid why he was pulled and the kid told his dad "im hurt", to which the coach turned and said "no he isnt. can you please go to the other side of the field". Same kid has the foulest mouth and get kicked out of practice - yet parents first ones to complain to the club about  playing time. 

i do understand when coaches wont give info or just show up to make a pay check. A good coach will list all the reasons these things happen. Parents also have to accept what is being explained.


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## Not_that_Serious (Nov 2, 2017)

Striker17 said:


> You forgot 99.9 percent never played at a high level either.
> Even more humorous is most have never gone to a fine academic institution that the majority of us tend to try to get our children into. That’s even the funniest part. Would you actually trust them with admissions?! No thanks! Hard pass.


Club soccer is often like Martials Arts. Have legit instructors and those found at McDojos who are 20th degree black belts in some style that was made around the time Karate Kid came out.


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## Striker17 (Nov 2, 2017)

I think we can all agree that “sweep the leg” was one of the finest examples of coaching in history.


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## Woobie06 (Nov 2, 2017)

It was executed perfectly....just saying


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## Toch (Nov 2, 2017)

Coaches should always be accessible within reason. Coaches are there to coach the kids. If parents need to meet with the coach to discuss anything pertinent to training, set up a brief meeting. The coach isn’t their to hear the parents whine or complain about others.


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## Toch (Nov 2, 2017)

Not_that_Serious said:


> coach works for the club. you can ask why your kid doesnt get playing time, or why they played a certain way but you have no say in if your kid plays or tactics. just like the coach isnt going to your job and telling you how to: flip the burger, mow the lawn, clean the pool, sell some dude a policy, build a rocket, rebuild an engine or attach trumps head onto obama's body.
> 
> so you are going to tell a coach, who has probably played pro/national team/academies in Europe, coach odp, coach collegiate soccer, probably has at least a C license, etc, about his tactics or player choice?  if the coach doesnt show up to practices, isnt showing up to games, or letting kids goof around, you are correct. To tell your coach what YOUR expectations are sounds like the arrogance Claudio Reyna spoke of. Ive manage a few years now and seen some crazy unrealistic expectations come from parents mouths. maybe your expectations are fair, but most coaches are not going to change how they do things because of parents.
> 
> i do agree, coaches arent there to power trip and if they are loud then maybe the child shouldnt be coached by them. see this at the field my kid has private group training at. the club has yell first, explain 2nd coaches.  best coaches explain and yell when they need to.


Love seeing stupidity rear its pretty face... the best coaches are the best teachers. Just because someone was great playing doesn’t mean they know how to teach. Soccer community gets suckered by the “I played in the WC”


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## smellycleats (Nov 2, 2017)

Toch said:


> Love seeing stupidity rear its pretty face... the best coaches are the best teachers. Just because someone was great playing doesn’t mean they know how to teach. Soccer community gets suckered by the “I played in the WC”


Those that can’t do, teach....


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## sandshark (Nov 3, 2017)

Not_that_Serious said:


> the problem isnt questions, the problem is some THINK they are asking questions but more telling coaches what to do...or complaining about something.  Most parents only take away a couple things from a game: the score and how much time their kid played. They dont see their kid running out of position, or not doing what they are asked to do - especially at practice since most parents drop and leave. They dont see the gaping holes at the midfield, kids pulling up on balls, mids not tracking back on defense, -thus forcing changes during the game. They dont hear the coach yelling at their kid 3-4 times in a row to do something. Sometimes kids arent doing what they need to do - sometimes kids are lucky and shifted somewhere on the field and not pulled out completely. Good coaches tell kids why this happens.  Then when the kid is asked by parents "Why did you get pulled?", its "I dont know" or  or "Coach doesnt like me".  Had a kid get benched and played 1 man down because the kid was walking all game. Parent came over to ask the kid why he was pulled and the kid told his dad "im hurt", to which the coach turned and said "no he isnt. can you please go to the other side of the field". Same kid has the foulest mouth and get kicked out of practice - yet parents first ones to complain to the club about  playing time.
> 
> i do understand when coaches wont give info or just show up to make a pay check. A good coach will list all the reasons these things happen. Parents also have to accept what is being explained.


You sound like paranoid coach reading to deep into simple questions thinking the questions are more about attacking you. News flash Mr Coach your feelings are NOT more important then the kids feelings. It's not always about you.


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## sandshark (Nov 3, 2017)

toucan said:


> I have been coaching club soccer for over 20 years.  I tell my players' parents to phone, text or email me any time they have a question or concern, or speak to me before or after practice.  In that time, I believe I have only had one argumentative discussion happen as a result of that policy.  Every other time a parent has spoken to me about their daughter's progress, her playing time, or my coaching philosophy, or anything else for that matter, we have always had an open and honest exchange of views, respectfully presented.
> 
> Parents pay the bills, and they want to know how their daughters are progressing.  They want to know what is going on.  They are entitled to the information.  Keep the lines of communication open, and you will almost never have a problem.


And like I have said there are a few real coaches that do their job correctly and it sounds like you might be one of them. 
Do you coach at a big club or smaller type club?


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## Goforgoal (Nov 3, 2017)

toucan said:


> Parents pay the bills, and they want to know how their daughters are progressing.  They want to know what is going on.  They are entitled to the information.  Keep the lines of communication open, and you will almost never have a problem.


As a parent, this is exactly how I feel, with the possible exception of the entitlement part. I think a good coach should set their communication policy exactly as you describe (and even more importantly, actually follow though with that policy and not just provide first team meeting lip service), but I don't necessarily think I'm entitled to it just because I write a check. I think it's simpler than that. It's the right way to treat and deal with other people and children who are there to learn and grow. Most of the time, we just want to know how our kids are doing, where they may be meeting, exceeding, or falling short of expectations, and the direction the coach sees for our player and the role they play for the team. I view my job as a parent of a young athlete as one of guidance and support, and it can be hard to do that when we're totally in the dark.


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## Soccer43 (Nov 3, 2017)

sandshark said:


> And like I have said there are a few real coaches that do their job correctly and it sounds like you might be one of them.
> Do you coach at a big club or smaller type club?


I agree - this coach sounds squared away- wish there were more with this attitude.  Many problems could be avoided


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## Zen (Nov 3, 2017)

uburoi said:


> The best coach my DD ever had told her that he doesn’t talk to parents, and if the parents try to talk to him their kid won’t play.


We left a club when the coach told us that.  It was the best soccer and all-around decision ever!  My daughter was 9 and shy.  His policy was asinine.  It helped us decide to leave sooner than we would've.  He didn't say your kid wouldn't play, but when we were forthright and let him know we were leaving at the end of the season, he punished her by not playing her (who does that to devastate a 9 yr old kid?).   It confirmed it was the right decision.  She's on one of the best teams in the nation for her age group and with one of the best coaches.  Lesson learned -  take these blessings in disguise and move on.


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## Socal United (Nov 3, 2017)

toucan said:


> I have been coaching club soccer for over 20 years.  I tell my players' parents to phone, text or email me any time they have a question or concern, or speak to me before or after practice.  In that time, I believe I have only had one argumentative discussion happen as a result of that policy.  Every other time a parent has spoken to me about their daughter's progress, her playing time, or my coaching philosophy, or anything else for that matter, we have always had an open and honest exchange of views, respectfully presented.
> 
> Parents pay the bills, and they want to know how their daughters are progressing.  They want to know what is going on.  They are entitled to the information.  Keep the lines of communication open, and you will almost never have a problem.


I completely agree.  My parents know they can talk to me any time they want about there child.  What I will not do is engage in a discussion about others on the team.  Parents try to move from their kid to another, I put the kibosh on that right away.  Otherwise, I think the more you are available, the less you actually have to discuss.  Although I only coach the little ones, I still like to tell them what I want them to improve, work on, etc.  We don't give these kids enough credit sometimes, they value that greatly and most of the time hear you.


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## uburoi (Nov 3, 2017)

Striker17 said:


> I wish there was a scary or chilling icon...
> The person you are describing is frightening on many levels.
> Also for the record one coach I know who did that exact speech got “let go”.


If the player is good enough the coach will call the parents! Coaches set boundaries, it’s important. I guess it’s case by case but this coach was the best. Ultimately the ability of the player tells the entire only important story and us parents should stay out of it. It’s hard for all of us parents to understand.


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## Striker17 (Nov 3, 2017)

If the player is good enough the coach will call the parents? I am confused by the statement. 
If I have an issue I talk to a grown man. If that grown man is threatened or bothered by that I realize I am talking to a child and break out the crayons and soft voice. I may throw in a happy meal toy if I am feeling generous. 
I don’t ask permission to talk to track suits. 
Multiple children, multiple sports and never ever have I had to ask permission to speak to any coach. I guess I am lucky.


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## uburoi (Nov 3, 2017)

Striker17 said:


> If the player is good enough the coach will call the parents? I am confused by the statement.
> If I have an issue I talk to a grown man. If that grown man is threatened or bothered by that I realize I am talking to a child and break out the crayons and soft voice. I may throw in a happy meal toy if I am feeling generous.
> I don’t ask permission to talk to track suits.
> Multiple children, multiple sports and never ever have I had to ask permission to speak to any coach. I guess I am lucky.


Every parent wants something different from the coach and from the game itself.  Some coaches communicate well. Some don’t. I love to hear stories of kids who succeed. My point was that if a player has it there is no need to talk to the coach. Normally we need to talk to the coach about something coach isn’t seeing in our kid and we want to know why. I am not saying us parents don’t have valid points.


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## Toch (Nov 4, 2017)

Striker17 said:


> If the player is good enough the coach will call the parents? I am confused by the statement.
> If I have an issue I talk to a grown man. If that grown man is threatened or bothered by that I realize I am talking to a child and break out the crayons and soft voice. I may throw in a happy meal toy if I am feeling generous.
> I don’t ask permission to talk to track suits.
> Multiple children, multiple sports and never ever have I had to ask permission to speak to any coach. I guess I am lucky.


So, you have never approached the coach and asked if he had a minute to talk? You just start with “Coach what is going on?”


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## Striker17 (Nov 4, 2017)

Actually I usually wear my college jacket and carry a pitchfork and torch. I angrily walk up to him usually in front of the children for maximum effect. When all of he children are scared I grab my daughter by the shoulders and say “little eva kicks ball hard and you don’t play her”. That really resonates with him. 
If he doesn’t immediately promise to play her I wrote a lengthy email to the DOC and copy all the Board members because coaches like that too. 
I find they also like the “reply all” function on email. It’s important to keep everyone in the loop that you are upset that Chloe didnt get her number she has had since age five or that he singled her out during a cone drill. 

This is little girls soccer. The problem is most parents haven’t been told that their daughters will not play in college or pro or YNT. Most coaches won’t do that and so because there is zero honesty and zero transparency we have this culture. 
You are a parent. I assume a great one. It is my feeling that no one will advocate for your kid better than you. So because you know her and her needs then you do what you have to.


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## espola (Nov 4, 2017)

There was this one parent who would sit a couple of yards behind the coach and make comments to people sitting near him about the coach's decision, loud enough so the coach could hear him, such as when his son was subbed out he would say "What did he do wrong?".


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## Striker17 (Nov 4, 2017)

I think that is tame actually. Maybe I have been so blessed with a special breed of exposure- the “game texters”, the “dads who want to touch base quick”, the “parking lot stalkers”, the “moms who just stopped by Starbucks”, the “I golf with the DOC”, I could go on and on with the level of parental insanity. 
In the DA I do not have the time nor inclination to question every single decision that is made. I ask her if she wants to play and if she says yes we go.


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## Keepermom2 (Nov 4, 2017)

Here goes the long winded KeeperMom2...I will take a leap and say most people are just looking for the basics in communication with a coach.  Hey, what do you think about how my daughter is doing?  Why isn't she getting as much playing time (Only if that hasn't been communicated with the kid first which if a kid is playing less than half a game, that should be communicated with them so they have an opportunity to change, get better, improve attitude etc.), what do you think she should be focusing on etc.  While I don't have that problem as of now because my daughter is a young Keeper so she plays the whole game, that kind of communication would have been extremely helpful with my older daughter and she would probably still be playing soccer in spite of not playing for certain games.  Honesty is the most important in that communication!!!!!!   

Also, parents do have insight into their child and that communication with a good coach can make a difference in how he/she coaches that YOUNG child.   I am not talking about being fragile with the breakable child.  

Example of a lack of communication:  We changed clubs because I asked 4 different coaches (coach of her team, coach of the top team, director of coaching, and the new coach that would be coaching the top team) over a 2 month period of time if my daughter was going to be moved to the top team since she decided she wanted to only play goalkeeper (They had been begging her to do it during the previous season but I didn't want to pigeon hole her into Keeper and my daughter didn't want to let her team down).  This was during tryout season.  After we missed all of the tryouts for the different clubs, and  no one would give us a solid answer, my daughter was the one that said she was ready for me to reach out to other clubs.   It would have been a disservice to my daughter to keep her at that club at the lower level because of where she was technically and we both knew that.  They finally told my daughter she would play at the top level but we were already in communication with another club and felt we owed them the opportunity to look at my daughter since they had diligently stayed in communication with us over the rainy January/February.  The new club team as a whole was much better than the team she left, and the coach was quite persuasive.  When we left, they were all in a state of shock and the director accused me of not teaching my daughter about commitment.  They tried hard to get her back to play at the higher level but their lack of communication is why we left.  Had they communicated with us in a timely fashion, she would still be there.  The reality is, my daughter is always replaceable and so is the club.  Great communication can change everything for player and club.


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## chargerfan (Nov 4, 2017)

Dos and donts of talking to a soccer coach? As if they were the queen of England?

Here's a hypothetical. Your little Madison has been taking private piano lessons for a few months. You'd like to ask her piano teacher if she's improving, if this is a waste of your money, if she's taking it seriously,  and if there is a piece she would recommend your daughter play at your cousins wedding. 

Do you scour the internet for dos and donts to talk to the piano teacher? No. Is there a list on how to talk to a piano teacher? I would venture to say no. You'd probably just go up to the teacher after a lesson or maybe even call, right?

Now imagine the piano teacher says I don't talk to parents, all communication goes through your child. I'm pretty sure most of you would either be confused, or laugh, or both. Then you would most likely find a new piano teacher. You'd call your spouse, friends and die laughing over the piano teachers behavior. It would be a story for the ages.

Why is it different with a soccer coach?

Anyone who has your child for any amount of time during the week should always be available for you to speak to. If they don't or won't make themselves available, find a new coach.


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## Soccer43 (Nov 4, 2017)

Great post - hey coaches - this is pretty obvious don't you think?


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## fotos4u2 (Nov 4, 2017)

chargerfan said:


> Anyone who has your child for any amount of time during the week should always be available for you to speak to. If they don't or won't make themselves available, find a new coach.


Totally agree.

I equate a soccer coach as similar to my child's teacher.  If any teacher of one of my kids said that they will not talk to parents and that all communication was to go through the student, I'd be pulling my kid from that classroom the same way I would pull my kid from a team with that coach.  

That being said, I do think it's appropriate for a teacher/coach to let parents know the best way AND best times to schedule a time to talk to them about their child.

FWIW I find that talking to teachers and coaches has evolved as my kids have gotten older.  The older the kids are the more I let the kid take the lead.

In elementary school?  Probably talked to the teacher at least once a month (not always with a problem, usually just a check-in to see if the child had any classroom issues we should be know about).  My kids didn't really start competitive soccer until end of elementary school but I probably talked to the coach about the same amount of time just checking in to see if there was anything the child needed to work on.

In middle school/high school?  I typically talked to the teacher once a semester at back to school night/Open House.  However, if issues arose I talked to them more frequently if the child in question wasn't communicating well.  With my kids coaches it's about the same.  I usually talk to them before the season starts and then again at the end of the season.  I mostly let my kid communicate with the coach, but if there's an issue I have no problem scheduling a time to talk just like I would with a school teacher.


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## coachrefparent (Nov 4, 2017)

fotos4u2 said:


> Totally agree.
> 
> I equate a soccer coach as similar to my child's teacher.  If any teacher of one of my kids said that they will not talk to parents and that all communication was to go through the student, I'd be pulling my kid from that classroom the same way I would pull my kid from a team with that coach.
> 
> ...


This is so sensible, rational and reasonable. These comments have no place here.


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## Not_that_Serious (Nov 6, 2017)

sandshark said:


> You sound like paranoid coach reading to deep into simple questions thinking the questions are more about attacking you. News flash Mr Coach your feelings are NOT more important then the kids feelings. It's not always about you.


lol - not a coach buddy. Im someone who actually is in charge of getting kids on the field - and make sure they are shielded from all the nonsense. So kids can focus only on playing.  Im the person who makes sure coaches know exact concerns of parents and parents know the concerns of the coaches. works really with our teams. Most parents arent an issue. Usually a couple per team. Usually worse on good teams at higher flights/DA. As seen on the board, and old board, parents get too wrapped in the culture club soccer is in. If it were up to me id blow it up and start from scratch. Parents only see a very small portion of what admin/coaches deal with - most dont care as long as DD/DS get minutes and play in a position they want to be in.  My point is, at least from my experience, parents focus only on a few things - which is natural given they arent experienced enough to see why things are done. Most cant displace themselves enough to look at things objectively. Most of this boils down to the attitude of the coaches and the parents. Open coach, logical parents - no problems. Douche coach, logical parents - problem. Douche coach, unrealistic parents - atomic bomb of problems.  Arguments usually involve the difference between how things should work and  how they actually work with people not wanting to concede anything


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## Not_that_Serious (Nov 6, 2017)

fotos4u2 said:


> Totally agree.
> 
> I equate a soccer coach as similar to my child's teacher.  If any teacher of one of my kids said that they will not talk to parents and that all communication was to go through the student, I'd be pulling my kid from that classroom the same way I would pull my kid from a team with that coach.
> 
> ...



A lot of differences here. Ive found more access to coaches then i do teachers other than back to school night. ever actually try to pull a kid from a classroom? i have, almost impossible. Sometimes impossible to even get teachers to sit down with you - and when they do its with other teachers to cover their arses. At least at a Club, you can just move on and its only Soccer.


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## sandshark (Nov 6, 2017)

I see a huge % of coaches abusing the fact they hold a parents kids soccer experience/ happiness in the palm of thier hands, and so when the parent dares ask, inquire or flat out challenge the coach they abuse their power upon the child. 
I'm not saying the parents are not crazy also, there are some majorly screwed up parents!!! I would say 75% of the parents are way out of touch with all to do with youth sports, like really screwed up people! But the deal is when you become a soccer coach you know what your getting into, just like becoming a Cop, but any Cop that did or said a 1/4 of what a soccer coach does would be fired! 
But in soccer it seems almost non of the coaches or DOC's keep their integrity when dealing with the children's parents, so they abuse the children as punishment for the parents actions. They end up being negative, fake, horrible people because of this hugely profitable youth soccer business pushed them into crap they never imagined doing before. But that is no excuse for the way they take it out on little inoccent children. 
We have had a few really great coaches and a DOC. But  it seems the new way of things is 100% money driven at all cost and that creates today's issues.


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## sandshark (Nov 6, 2017)

Not_that_Serious said:


> A lot of differences here. Ive found more access to coaches then i do teachers other than back to school night. ever actually try to pull a kid from a classroom? i have, almost impossible. Sometimes impossible to even get teachers to sit down with you - and when they do its with other teachers to cover their arses. At least at a Club, you can just move on and its only Soccer.


Ya except in soccer when you move on you lose $1000's of dollars and the coach or club made an ever bigger profit as you walk. 
On average A school teacher is 10 fold the person any club soccer coach could ever hope to be. 
Club soccer has almost zero regulations or organizations watching over the clubs or coaches ethics. And the only people these club coaches answer to is other club coaches trying to pull the same BS! 
It's the wild west with no regulations or rules of conduct! 
You just made a comparison equal to comparing a mall security guard to a Police Swat team guy.


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## Not_that_Serious (Nov 6, 2017)

sandshark said:


> Ya except in soccer when you move on you lose $1000's of dollars and the coach or club made an ever bigger profit as you walk.
> On average A school teacher is 10 fold the person any club soccer coach could ever hope to be.
> Club soccer has almost zero regulations or organizations watching over the clubs or coaches ethics. And the only people these club coaches answer to is other club coaches trying to pull the same BS!
> It's the wild west with no regulations or rules of conduct!
> You just made a comparison equal to comparing a mall security guard to a Police Swat team guy.


what comparison did i make? someone else brought up the comparison. cant approach scholastic education to soccer education - not administered the same way.  also, we have compulsory education laws, and soccer is merely a service industry. you are now comparing teachers to coaches which is a bit absurd except the fact that both professions have "professionals" who are good and bad at their jobs. like in any industry. as mentioned, sometimes the management is the issue.

you also make comments like this is new? unfortunately this club structure has been in place for at least 40 years. there is another topic that talks about solutions to this issue.  for some reason you think im disagreeing with you about the overall general state of youth soccer. im not. 

Here is what can be done imo:
USSF can easily have state orgs (like cal south) admin soccer. Have the orgs verify/certify clubs and get rid of the insurance salesman creating clubs and mandate certain standards to get certified. They could get rid of leagues and have everything under one system. If you look at the state, how many clubs are community based, as they are in other countries? maybe a handful. Cities/Counties also have certain mandates in order for the club to get deals on fields. this includes sponsoring kids, community involvement, and more. USSF could, fairly easily, approach cities/counties to start clubs - with them under the umbrella of a state org.  USSF provides money to the orgs and these clubs - coaching support, breaks on licenses, camps, tournaments, etc. Then youd have kids playing for their communities. You could weed out crap coaches because people in charge would be from that city/area - since most people involved (parents) are connected and know people all the way up in government. Last thing admins are going to allow is some douche coach to abuse (even verbally) kids - since they could vary well be a councilmember or mayor's child.  Get this in Europe - support is deep even down to youth level. But this only solves part of the problem. Still need to fund it all. In order to do this, I believe, youd need FIFA to mandate youth/dev clubs to be given 5% solidarity payments - which is double dipping since parents pay for the development (MLS keeps it for the most part right now). This  opens a can of worms since it could become even a Wilder West since clubs will be trying to make more money - but bad coaches will get weeded out since they arent ones that development good talent. Not an easy issue. This system is VERY complex. But if we have a solid community based structure, or at least one where state orgs are heavily monitoring clubs, we might have a chance.

Too bad none of us here have votes in USSF. Well maybe an admin here and there via orgs, but they arent going to rock the boat if they are cashing in on the system.


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## sandshark (Nov 6, 2017)

Not_that_Serious said:


> what comparison did i make? someone else brought up the comparison. cant approach scholastic education to soccer education - not administered the same way.  also, we have compulsory education laws, and soccer is merely a service industry. you are now comparing teachers to coaches which is a bit absurd except the fact that both professions have "professionals" who are good and bad at their jobs. like in any industry. as mentioned, sometimes the management is the issue.
> 
> you also make comments like this is new? unfortunately this club structure has been in place for at least 40 years. there is another topic that talks about solutions to this issue.  for some reason you think im disagreeing with you about the overall general state of youth soccer. im not.
> 
> ...



THIS..
"A lot of differences here. Ive found more access to coaches then i do teachers other than back to school night. ever actually try to pull a kid from a classroom? i have, almost impossible. Sometimes impossible to even get teachers to sit down with you - and when they do its with other teachers to cover their arses. At least at a Club, you can just move on and its only Soccer."

Anyway your last post is really involved and really far fetched in the USA. I like the sounds of that system but never going to happen in the US. It is up to us parents to stop the BS and force respect, business ethics and some kind of moral boundaries in the system. We can do it by talking about the BS as it happens and exposing the abuse.


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## Not_that_Serious (Nov 6, 2017)

i was responding to a comparison. semantics. oh well.

what i mentioned actually isnt far fetched if you talk to heads of orgs.  you are correct, wont happen as long as people in charge only care about the money. if by some chance a former player becomes in charge, this type of system isnt as far off as you think. 

you still are under the assumption parents have some type of control or say-so as the system is constructed? the only thing they can do is hurt the wallets. the only way to do that is in groves. one or two people leaving does ZERO. they will replace the kids without issue. you also assume all the parents are on the same page and just looking at the board youll see some parents feed into the club mentalities.


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## sandshark (Nov 6, 2017)

Not_that_Serious said:


> i was responding to a comparison. semantics. oh well.
> 
> what i mentioned actually isnt far fetched if you talk to heads of orgs.  you are correct, wont happen as long as people in charge only care about the money. if by some chance a former player becomes in charge, this type of system isnt as far off as you think.
> 
> you still are under the assumption parents have some type of control or say-so as the system is constructed? the only thing they can do is hurt the wallets. the only way to do that is in groves. one or two people leaving does ZERO. they will replace the kids without issue. you also assume all the parents are on the same page and just looking at the board youll see some parents feed into the club mentalities.


Got it. 
No I'm not under the impression or assume that parents alone can change this system, but I do know if more parents put their foot down and demand honesty and stopped chasing the BS promises things would change. But let's get real I would say 50% of the parents on any team are following blindly the coaches sales pitch. 
To many followers and crazies to ever stop the money train, to many shady coaches being led by DOC's.


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## Not_that_Serious (Nov 6, 2017)

sandshark said:


> Got it.
> No I'm not under the impression or assume that parents alone can change this system, but I do know if more parents put their foot down and demand honesty and stopped chasing the BS promises things would change. But let's get real I would say 50% of the parents on any team are following blindly the coaches sales pitch.
> To many followers and crazies to ever stop the money train, to many shady coaches being led by DOC's.


yep. you literally have to chop off the head of the snake - in this case ast USSF. just have to make sure the snake doesnt have two heads - which is currently has. You then have to have someone change the culture (look up Claudio Reynalda comments) and then start the mandates. Would take a plan of at least 10 years. why i said community based initiatives would correct many problems


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## sandshark (Nov 6, 2017)

Not_that_Serious said:


> yep. you literally have to chop off the head of the snake - in this case ast USSF. just have to make sure the snake doesnt have two heads - which is currently has. You then have to have someone change the culture (look up Claudio Reynalda comments) and then start the mandates. Would take a plan of at least 10 years. why i said community based initiatives would correct many problems


We will be long gone in 10 years. But I still would like to help save other families the BS I have seen so many endure of the past years.


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## espola (Nov 6, 2017)

Not_that_Serious said:


> yep. you literally have to chop off the head of the snake - in this case ast USSF. just have to make sure the snake doesnt have two heads - which is currently has. You then have to have someone change the culture (look up Claudio Reynalda comments) and then start the mandates. Would take a plan of at least 10 years. why i said community based initiatives would correct many problems


10 years ago PDA was the solution in 10 years.


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## Not_that_Serious (Nov 6, 2017)

espola said:


> 10 years ago PDA was the solution in 10 years.


According to USSF with business minded people in charge. Still kept it limited in numbers. Improve players at the very bottom and everyone improves


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## growingpains (Nov 7, 2017)

I think the Teacher/Student/Parent relationship analogy is a good one. For young kids, I think it's perfectly fair to ask the coach how your kid is doing, ask questions to help you better understand what's going on/why your kid is playing here or there or not getting opportunities to play. The more parents understand what's going through the coaches mind, the better it is for everyone. But as in any situation, parents need to stay calm and not assume things when approaching the coach. I think the coach has a responsibility to be open and honest with the parent. If the kid sucks, tell them what they need to work on and/or help them work on that. Once a coach takes a player on their team (at least at youngers) that kids development is the responsibility of the coach and the coach owes it to that player to help them the best they can and give them opportunities to learn and be their best - and this can be incredibly hard because sometimes you get kids that just don't care, don't listen, or don't get it. But their job is to manage this in a way that also sets the team up for success. this is also why we have tryouts and if coaches focused on coachability, demeanor and skill of a kid as much as they did size, they would probably have a lot less drama. Parents, remember tryouts are for you to evaluate a coach as well...

Bottom line, talk to your coach, you deserve to know what's going on, but do it respectfully and with an open mind. Don't talk about other kids unless the cause for concern is your players safety or something. The 48 hr rule is a good one but sometimes doesn't work because you have practices and games every 48 so there's never a good time. Rule of thumb is to wait until you calm down and are thinking rationally  so you don't say something you regret.


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## jose (Nov 7, 2017)

YO quick question. Does everyone on this forum have a kid thats the best player on the team? Seem like that is everyones verification status.  Me? my kids is better than some not as good as others. Stop putting a target on your DDs back.


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## espola (Nov 7, 2017)

jose said:


> YO quick question. Does everyone on this forum have a kid thats the best player on the team? Seem like that is everyones verification status.  Me? my kids is better than some not as good as others. Stop putting a target on your DDs back.


How about sons?


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## Not_that_Serious (Nov 7, 2017)

jose said:


> YO quick question. Does everyone on this forum have a kid thats the best player on the team? Seem like that is everyones verification status.  Me? my kids is better than some not as good as others. Stop putting a target on your DDs back.


Lol youd think everyone here has kids playing ODP. Old board  was worse with bragging parents. If my kid could play with a rocketpack on his back hed be a world beater


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## Lambchop (Nov 7, 2017)

Not_that_Serious said:


> A lot of differences here. Ive found more access to coaches then i do teachers other than back to school night. ever actually try to pull a kid from a classroom? i have, almost impossible. Sometimes impossible to even get teachers to sit down with you - and when they do its with other teachers to cover their arses. At least at a Club, you can just move on and its only Soccer.


Well, once child is in middle school you have school loop to check their progress every single day if you so desire.


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## Not_that_Serious (Nov 7, 2017)

Lambchop said:


> Well, once child is in middle school you have school loop to check their progress every single day if you so desire.


Schooloop only informs you of possible issues. Which is great given u get informed to problems sooner. Fixing the issue if its teacher related becomes a new set of issues. Some teachers dont even email u back - usually those wbo have been teaching longer than uve been alive


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