# Taking Ownership Of My Craziness



## softwaretest (Feb 2, 2017)

Our State cup thread in the 2006G age group was getting derailed with a conversation about a specific team, so I started to make a new post there then realized that this needs to go in this forum instead.

I remember during our first year of club soccer we went to the clubs yearly meeting where they put up a slide that simply read: 

"Parents are the #1 reason why kids quit playing youth sports."  

I remember thinking to myself at the time thank God I'm not one of "those" crazy parents.  
As the years have gone by I came to a startling realization. Not only am I in this group, but all of us are.  It's hard to be vulnerable and own that. It is far easier to deflect and make judgments about what other parents, clubs, or coaches are doing.  

We all need to do more to take ownership of building a better community.  I plan to spend more time focusing on what Coach Carlos says to our parents: "Enjoy The Process."  

If we are at the field please come find me so we can enjoy the process together!


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## The Driver (Feb 2, 2017)

Bars


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## ALT_Dad (Feb 2, 2017)

softwaretest said:


> "Enjoy The Process."


From one crazy parent to another...this phrase means the world, especially for parents of 10/11 year old girls.  I think as parents we have to both trust what our chosen club/coach is doing and believe in the process yet hold a bit of skepticism about the club and coach's proven record of developing talent and how our child fits within it.  Just as the clubs reassess their players through try-outs every year, we as parents need to assess whether our child is developing and the club/coach is doing what its supposed to do to maximize the development (and not just recruiting new teams each year).  Though we both believe in our respective club's process for our girls, there are countless more team's out there where the developmental process has broken down for a multitude of reasons.    In order to enjoy and trust the process, we as parents have to make sure that we try our best to put our child into the best developmental situation possible for them (which doesn't always mean having a winning season).


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## CaliKlines (Feb 2, 2017)

The Driver said:


> Bars


D, I respectfully disagree with your post. It is not so much "Bars", as it is alcohol in general. The introduction of alcohol generally makes any process more enjoyable and the consumption location is less important as the quantity involved. But also remember, it is all about development of your drinking technique. Find yourself a good drinking coach and work on the fundamentals. It is not about the winning or losing, but becoming better drinkers. JMHO.


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## Nutmeg (Feb 2, 2017)

softwaretest said:


> Our State cup thread in the 2006G age group was getting derailed with a conversation about a specific team, so I started to make a new post there then realized that this needs to go in this forum instead.
> 
> I remember during our first year of club soccer we went to the clubs yearly meeting where they put up a slide that simply read:
> 
> ...


I never usually post on the forum but this one got me. This is the greatest trick club soccer ever played on parents. Making us believe that we are not only part of the problem but that we ARE the problem. Are you freaking kidding me.  I've sat in on meetings like this. Listening to club directors and coaches spew idiotic gems like this followed by some weak ass power point that demonstrates how Parents are to blame for their kids demise not the coach not the club. But when a kid succeeds of course the same club takes all the credit for their wonderful development strategy. Give me a break. So let me get this straight. We pay the club, attend every training session, pay for privates, drive all over the state for games, fundraise, drag pop up tents, chairs, coolers, video equipment, team benches, follow soccer forums, etc all over every weekend. We listen patiently and hope that our coaches and clubs have our DD's best interest at heart or at least maybe try to develop them over the course of the season. Here my two cents clubs don't do jack. They are merely the forum on which our players play. What develops them is the opponents they play against and the level of training day in and day out that they compete against. What I have seen is the biggest reason players quit or lose interest in soccer or other sports is clubs who have rosters maxed out at 17 or 18. coaches who have no session plan for a practice, waste my time and my DD's with low energy low completion training that teaches nothing. My DD NEVER LEARNED, from any club coach. She learned from her parents who both played, from her private trainer and more importantly from the other kids she played against and with. Yet these same clubs then sit back and tell kids at season end that you can go play B or C team or leave the club I found a better kid to take you spot. That's why kids lose interest in youth sports, because when they get to 11 ,12,13 they can't play anymore it became to hard, to much running, can't escape pressure, can't leave your mark, can't receive with proper foot. because most of these coaches and clubs don't give a rip. I'm all for us parents being more like mined and enjoying more of our DDs playing. We should all cut each other some slack we are all in the same journey. I enjoy watching soccer watching my DD. We as parents have the right to be crazy. The same way I do at my kids school if her teacher does something stupid. These are our kids, this is our money, soccer is a commitment. Don't let these clubs and coaches sell you on its your fault. Grow up coaches, be honest with you players, be honest with your parents, teach the game.


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## softwaretest (Feb 2, 2017)

Nutmeg said:


> I never usually post on the forum but this one got me. This is the greatest trick club soccer ever played on parents. Making us believe that we are not only part of the problem but that we ARE the problem. Are you freaking kidding me.  I've sat in on meetings like this. Listening to club directors and coaches spew idiotic gems like this followed by some weak ass power point that demonstrates how Parnts are to blame for their kids demise not the coach not the club. But when a kid succeeds of course the same club takes all the credit for their wonderful development strategy. Give me a break. So let me get this straight. We pay the club, attend every training session, pay for privates, drive all over the state for games, fundraise, drag pop up tents, chairs, coolers, video equipment, team benches, follow soccer forums, etc all over every weekend. We listen patiently and hope that our coaches and clubs have our DD's best interest at heart or at least maybe try to develop them over the course of the season. Here my two cents clubs don't do jack. They are merely the forum on which our players play. What develops them is the opponents they play against and the level of training day in and day out that they compete against. What I have seen is the biggest reason players quit or lose interest in soccer or other sports is clubs who have rosters maxed out at 17 or 18. coaches who have no session plan for a practice, waste my time and my DD's with low energy low completion training that teaches nothing. My DD NEVER LEARNED, from any club coach. She learned from her parents who both played, from her private trainer and more importantly from the other kids she played against and with. Yet these same clubs then sit back and tell kids at season end that you can go play B or C team or leave the club I found a better kid to take you spot. That's why kids lose interest in youth sports, because when they get to 11 ,12,13 they can't play anymore it became to hard, to much running, can't escape pressure, can't leave your mark, can't receive with proper foot. because most of these coaches and clubs don't give a rip. I'm all for us parents being more like mined and enjoying more of our DDs playing. We should all cut each other some slack we are all in the same journey. I enjoy watching soccer watching my DD. We as parents have the right to be crazy. The same way I do at my kids school if her teacher does something stupid. These are our kids, this is our money, soccer is a commitment. Don't let these clubs and coaches sell you on its your fault. Grow up coaches, be honest with you players, be honest with your parents, teach the game.


You are right we should absolutely be the crazy soccer parent when it comes to holding these coaches/clubs accountable especially when the strategy is winning at the expense of development. Plenty of bad coaches and clubs to go around if your DD is learning nothing from her club coach it's probably time to find a new situation.


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## ALT_Dad (Feb 2, 2017)

Nutmeg said:


> . My DD NEVER LEARNED, from any club coach. She learned from her parents who both played, from her private trainer and more importantly from the other kids she played against and with. Yet these same clubs then sit back and tell kids at season end that you can go play B or C team or leave the club I found a better kid to take you spot. That's why kids lose interest in youth sports, because when they get to 11 ,12,13 they can't play anymore it became to hard, to much running, can't escape pressure, can't leave your mark, can't receive with proper foot. because most of these coaches and clubs don't give a rip. .


Though I agree with most of your points, I have to agree with Software Test here and my point above, if the parent doesn't see development in their child, have a disassociated coach (or a club that is just taking your money to play on a B or C team with no care of the team's development), then its time to find a better situation.  Go practice with a coach and watch what they do in game situations and join the team that has passed your criterion and the kid likes the coach...Sadly, even then, the club can fire your coach the day after players are locked in and replace the coach with someone that is completely disassociated.  That's when you know your club doesn't care about your kid nor your opinion and only cares about the mighty $$$$.


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## LadiesMan217 (Feb 2, 2017)

Nutmeg said:


> I never usually post on the forum but this one got me. This is the greatest trick club soccer ever played on parents. Making us believe that we are not only part of the problem but that we ARE the problem. Are you freaking kidding me.  I've sat in on meetings like this. Listening to club directors and coaches spew idiotic gems like this followed by some weak ass power point that demonstrates how Parents are to blame for their kids demise not the coach not the club. But when a kid succeeds of course the same club takes all the credit for their wonderful development strategy. Give me a break. So let me get this straight. We pay the club, attend every training session, pay for privates, drive all over the state for games, fundraise, drag pop up tents, chairs, coolers, video equipment, team benches, follow soccer forums, etc all over every weekend. We listen patiently and hope that our coaches and clubs have our DD's best interest at heart or at least maybe try to develop them over the course of the season. Here my two cents clubs don't do jack. They are merely the forum on which our players play. What develops them is the opponents they play against and the level of training day in and day out that they compete against. What I have seen is the biggest reason players quit or lose interest in soccer or other sports is clubs who have rosters maxed out at 17 or 18. coaches who have no session plan for a practice, waste my time and my DD's with low energy low completion training that teaches nothing. My DD NEVER LEARNED, from any club coach. She learned from her parents who both played, from her private trainer and more importantly from the other kids she played against and with. Yet these same clubs then sit back and tell kids at season end that you can go play B or C team or leave the club I found a better kid to take you spot. That's why kids lose interest in youth sports, because when they get to 11 ,12,13 they can't play anymore it became to hard, to much running, can't escape pressure, can't leave your mark, can't receive with proper foot. because most of these coaches and clubs don't give a rip. I'm all for us parents being more like mined and enjoying more of our DDs playing. We should all cut each other some slack we are all in the same journey. I enjoy watching soccer watching my DD. We as parents have the right to be crazy. The same way I do at my kids school if her teacher does something stupid. These are our kids, this is our money, soccer is a commitment. Don't let these clubs and coaches sell you on its your fault. Grow up coaches, be honest with you players, be honest with your parents, teach the game.


Nice! I look back to beginning of last season and my DD being recruited by SoCal ECNL clubs and her going to multiple (3-4) practices with each team. It was eye opening that only one coach actually developed the players, stopped play, gave directions and explained situation (to everyone), taught the game, etc. The other coaches had them doing some drills and mostly scrimmaging with no oversight/correction, etc. - not that the girls were not inherently getting better under this direction. My DD was dumbfounded and was pretty frank when they called her to see if she made a decision.


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## Nutmeg (Feb 2, 2017)

ALT_Dad said:


> Though I agree with most of your points, I have to agree with Software Test here and my point above, if the parent doesn't see development in their child, have a disassociated coach (or a club that is just taking your money to play on a B or C team with no care of the team's development), then its time to find a better situation.  Go practice with a coach and watch what they do in game situations and join the team that has passed your criterion and the kid likes the coach...Sadly, even then, the club can fire your coach the day after players are locked in and replace the coach with someone that is completely disassociated.  That's when you know your club doesn't care about your kid nor your opinion and only cares about the mighty $$$$.


My point is all clubs "care"  about your kid. But in only their small context of how it effects them. The club is not paid or rewarded by how well your individual DD developes but on how their team/club performs. More to the point most coaches are evaluated on to well they retain and attract new players to the club. It is not to be developed by a club or a league or a coach. The players needs to develop themselves. The team in which that happens will depend. The statement that parents are the problem is a deflection from clubs away from the fact that most don't want to held accountable for their BS. We have left clubs sure, not a problem. Coaches and clubs sometimes just need to be less sanctimonious and just plan a good training session.


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## softwaretest (Feb 2, 2017)

Nutmeg said:


> My point is all clubs "care"  about your kid. But in only their small context of how it effects them.


Clubs provide a shiny uniform and facilities.  That's why I can never understand why a parent ever gets so hooked on the specific club.  Some coaches are great and others aren't, but at the end of all of it we make the decision.  It's like the parent who's kid isn't playing to the level so they seek out a higher level team rather than a team that fits.  Is it the club/teams fault for taking the money or is it the parents fault?  There are a million other examples but in the end we as "crazy soccer parents" make the ultimate decision and then want to not be held accountable for our decisions either.


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## jrcaesar (Feb 2, 2017)

softwaretest said:


> That's why I can never understand why a parent ever gets so hooked on the specific club. Some coaches are great and others aren't...


^^^ This!! ^^^


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## mirage (Feb 2, 2017)

I'm not sure what parents are expecting....

Development?  What does that really mean for your own kid.  Development for my kid is very different than development for yours.  And just how much development do you expect?

I get that we encourage and want our kids to succeed in whatever endeavor they take on, including sports.  Yet we often ignore natural abilities and the differences between your kid and my kid and everyone else's kids.

For vast majority of people, development should equal marginal improvement, when compared to before coaching and practices.  Not making a 3rd tier player into a 1st tier star.  In order for that to happen, it requires a bit of luck in the genetic lottery department.

So for all the parents that feel their kid is not developing, perhaps its a mismatch of expectations.  Couple that with some parents living vicariously through their kids, its no wonder that a failed outcome is often seen.

Both of my kids are now on older ages and it also means that the end of the road is near for us as kids soccer parents.  Based on what I've seen the real responsibility for development falls on the shoulder of the players themselves.  Its their drive and motivation to get better, and desire to win.  Just about any adequate coaching will do, if the player wants to get better.  This statement should be true in just about anything, not such soccer or sports.

So if you really want to take ownership of this so called craziness, then learn to chill and let go.  Let your kids drive the direction.  Yeah, I get the nudge and push here and there, but its only to keep things moving and in the right general direction.  They are kids after all so their perspective is bit different than ours.  They typically don't have a grand plan nor end objectives - and that's okay.  That's where you come in.  Keep in mind that your biggest job as a parent is to build bridges form here to there, and open doors (so that the kids can walk over and through by themselves).

If you want to see if your kids have the drive, motivation and desire, just talk to them about something they really like, but not soccer. They'll tell you and it will jump out at you if they are interested in something.  And see if they have the same sparkle in their eyes about soccer... You'll have your answer then...


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## softwaretest (Feb 2, 2017)

mirage said:


> I'm not sure what parents are expecting....
> 
> Development?  What does that really mean for your own kid.  Development for my kid is very different than development for yours.  And just how much development do you expect?
> 
> ...


Very well written.


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## SoccerFan4Life (Feb 2, 2017)

Bottom line: 
- Parents are crazy to pay so much for club thinking it will lead to scholarships (including me). 
- Parents that put blame on coaches/clubs/everyone but themselves or kids are in denial. 
- If your kid has extreme talents, they will get discovered and will go far as long as you guide them by doing research on academies/clubs/other
- If kids dont have the passion for soccer, there's nothing you or a coach can do to get them better. 
- Coaches are crazy to think that they are the only reason or primary reason for the success of a child. 
- Private lessons are a must!!!!
-Parents that yell and scream at Refs all the time are idiots!!!
- Coaches that yell too much at kids are also idiots. 
-Club Soccer is saturated and it's just a business that is growing out of control. 

I've enjoyed my few years in club soccer for my teenage boys.  The talent out there is ridiculous so scholarships are pretty much non-existent for 99% of the kids.   Once I came to this realization, I am just doing it to keep the kids busy and fit until they get to high school.   

Relax and enjoy the ride, pretty soon our kids will be grown up and this part of your life will go away.


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## bababooey (Feb 3, 2017)

I wonder how many parents know what "development" looks like or is? I doubt I really understand development and I go to nearly every practice and game my dd participates in.

I think the majority of parents think winning the game is development for their player.


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## younothat (Feb 3, 2017)

Is this like true confessions of ....

Development is one of the most overused catchphrases when it comes to youth sports.

Development is getting better or improving at something.  Not everybody develops at the same rate and there can be some stop, go, regression, progression, etc.

We need to learn new things and change to keep developing. Playing for the same coach or with the same players is comfortable but change is needed every once in a while

Coaches, training, other players help people learn hopefully but development is up to the* individual*.  No, you don't need a private trainer but at the same time couple practices a week for 3 hours is not putting in enough effort to make that much of a difference.

The club. leagues, orgs provide the infrastructure

Forgot the blame game and realize there still aren't enough good youth coaches. As a parent, the best you can do is try to be an enabler and help your player find the right coaches & training that will help them learn.

We tend to foucs on the short term way too much, we want results right away, chasing tournaments, trying to get on the "top" teams, etc.  Relax and let your player(s) find their own way.  If they struggle with math at school do you scream at them or their teacher(a) and take them to another school or do you try to help them work things out?


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## ESPNANALYST (Feb 3, 2017)

Substitute ODP ECNL DA


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## softwaretest (Feb 4, 2017)

younothat said:


> Is this like true confessions of ....


lol this is too funny.


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## texanincali (Feb 7, 2017)

Some good stuff in this thread and there really is not a wrong opinion, some just differ.

What I have seen in my years is that most parents can't objectively evaluate their kid as a player.  Because of this, I have to agree with the OP that parents are the biggest problem in our sport.  If parents would be honest with themselves and their kid, I think our sport would take giant steps forward.  

I see this with the terrific overuse of the words "development" and "skill."  As mentioned above, development happens at different stages with kids, but most parents won't take the time to realize that their kid just doesn't put in the work required, or they just simply aren't good enough.  The great thing about our youth system is that there is a place for every kid to play the game if they truly love it.  There are so many levels each state organization offers, but everyone thinks/believes their kid should be playing at the top level.  It is not your coaches fault that your kid can't trap a ball, it is not your coaches fault that your kid can't strike a ball properly, it is not your coaches fault that your kid just isn't good enough to be a starter on the DA/ECNL team.  It is really no ones fault - damn be to genetics.

One of the biggest issues I see amongst youth players is that most seem to be playing for everyone but themselves.  They play to make Mom and Dad proud, they play to make their coach proud, they play so they can gain admiration of their teammates - none of which will ultimately enable a kid to succeed.  At a young age, these kids need to learn how to play for themselves, so they can walk out of a practice session or a game and be happy with their effort, or be honest enough to know when they played poorly.  When a boy or girl under the age of 13/14 can do this, it is a game changer.  I've run across parents that make kids run if they play poorly and I've seen parents reward their kids with money, gifts, etc. when they play well - these kids are learning nothing from that - they are not developing drive to succeed on their own.

The other hugely important thing is a parents ability to be objective - here is where I agree with the OP.  Most (not all) parents just can't fathom that their could possibly be better players than theirs.  When your kid can't dribble as well as another kid, the blame is put on the coach.  When your kid doesn't get as much playing time as you expect, we blame the coach.  When your kids team loses a game that they shouldn't, we blame the coach.  When any of these happen often enough, most react by picking up their ball and going to another team.  All of our kids pick up on this and start to blame everyone but themselves.  

The other common theme in our youth soccer world is that most parents want their kid to grow up to be like Messi - and they just don't understand why their kid can't play like Messi when they are 15 years old.  The rationalization behind that is - we pay $$ every year, we dedicate a hundreds of hours to the cause - we look up rankings on forums - we pay excessive travel, tournament and league fees...where is the reward?  We would be much better off as a soccer nation if earlier on in our kids youth careers, we could be objective enough to say, "My kid just isn't going to be a #10, what can he/she do to become the best right back in the age group?"  Instead, we blame the coach, go to another club where our kid has a better chance to start as a #10 - and the cycle continues.  The most refreshing thing I have ever seen in my soccer career was a Dad (ex-professional) tell his kid during an evaluation, "If you want more playing time, then you need to work twice as hard as the kid starting in your position."  This kid went on to play for 3 YNT and now is a mainstay in MLS.  There are not enough parents like this today.

In addition to the things above, it is my personal opinion that there has been too much emphasis put on "private skill sessions."  While they are great to get touches on the ball, they do not teach a kid how to play/read the game properly.  A good alternative to paying for skill session after skill session would be to take your kid to a U18 DA/U18 ECNL game in your area and have them watch the players that play in their position.  You will get every bit as much out of this as you will learning how to do pointless step-over after step-over.  I am glad that your kid can juggle 1,000 times and do Coerver drills with their eyes close - but until they can learn how to track a runner or pick out a player when they are crossing the ball, they aren't going to make it.  

Development is so much more than just obtaining the skills that we are all so enamored with.  I agree with the poster above that stated that most of us don't really know what development looks like.

I apologize for the long winded post and now my fingers are getting sore from typing so much, but in the end, we have many issues with our youth set up - but without a doubt, the biggest on is us, the parents.


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