THE DO’S AND DON’TS OF TALKING TO YOUR KID’S COACH

Discussion in 'SoCalScene' started by younothat, Nov 1, 2017.

  1. younothat

    younothat Silver

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    Came across this and thought it has some interesting advice.
    https://www.soccernation.com/the-dos-and-donts-of-talking-to-your-kids-coach/

    Personally besides when they were very young I always encouraged by kids to talk to the coaches directly and take ownership of the situations.

    One of my kids was frustrated at some point in his early teens and won't open up or talk like he wanted to with a coach partly due to a language barrier so we helped him out by asking the coach if he could bring a friend along that could help with the dialect. Worked out well and they talked for a long time, the communication channel was kind of open up between them after that and they understood each other much better going foward.

    "Do:

    Ask about communication expectations at the beginning of the season. (And follow them) – Most coaches have preseason meetings to set the tone, expectations, and standards. In that meeting, if coach does not do it, request a set of expectations regarding how parents and coach are to communicate.
    1. Choose the right time and place to do it – if there were no standards set at the preseason meeting, pick a good time. Right after a game, when you see coach at dinner with his family, or an email sent at 2 am may not be the best ways to do it.
    2. Have the talk in person – the above rule brings about this rule. This kind of communication needs to be in person. It is too easy to dehumanize the other and write nasty things about them if you are not looking them in the eyes. Would you have this discussion with colleagues over text or email or in person?
    3. Remain calm, professional, and collaborative – Coach will feed off your energy and vice versa. If you can approach it professionally and calmly, both parties can have a more productive conversation. I recently got into an argument with a neighbor regarding something he and his spouse did to my son. My anger had the best of me at first (and rightfully so). We both escalated quickly. Finally, we took a step back and took a deep breath. We agreed to talk calmly and the conversation was able to end without someone doing something he would later regret.
    4. Discuss only facts that directly affect your kid and help with solutions to the problem – Do not use conjecture or put words or thoughts on coach. Only discuss what you actually know as facts and be willing to offer solutions or help with solutions. My son’s teacher was piling homework on him so heavily he was doing about an hour to 2 hours a night on one subject. My wife, instead of simply blasting the teacher, asked if there was another time we could have him do this “extra” work. The solution was in the morning before school started. We drop him off a few minutes earlier, and both teacher and parents are working together on it.
    5. Respect Coach’s time, energy, and family – They are human. Respect how much they put into the role and that they, too, have a family.
    6. Go into it knowing exactly what your kid wants and getting honest information – I’ve seen too many parents run into an argument with a coach without talking to their kid first. In fact, if the parent who texted me had checked with the kid first, the text would have never happened. Ask your kid how she feels about the situation and if what she wants as a result. Then stand your ground for her needs, not yours.
    7. Stick to the things that can be controlled – You cannot control other kids, their parents, or coach’s strategic decisions. You can control things like getting your kid to practice on time, teaching her positive values, or modeling good behavior for him. So focus on what you and your kid can control.
    8. Keep the focus on the most important person in the equation, but don’t forget there are all those teammates – This is about your kid. Not about a Facebook Brag, or living vicariously through him, or a judgement on your parenting. Keep it about your kid and remember coach has a team full of other parents and kids to balance as well, so be realistic.

    Don’t:
    1. Ambush Coach – No one likes being jumped by someone regarding a sensitive topic. Set up a meeting like you would in business and be clear on the purpose of the meeting ahead of time.
    2. Come from a place of emotion – Facts. Stick to them. Leave the emotion on the sideline for this one.
    3. Go over Coach’s head until you have at least tried working with coach first – I hear Directors complain about this all the time, and most good ones will send you right back to coach first. The fastest way to make it personal and escalate it (besides emotionally ambushing coach) is to go over her head. Go to the source first.
    4. Question tactical coaching decisions – Coach does not come to your place of business and question you, don’t do it in her place of business. This is about controllables and your kid and not about how coach does her job.
    5. Don’t make it personal between the adults – It is about the kids. Don’t make it about us adults. Ever.
    6. Compare your kid with, or talk about other players – This yields no fruit and will only cause ill will. If someone else finds out you talked about their kid, now you have hurt kids and hurt parents and the entire culture will erode. Talk only about your child.
    7. Forget to ask if your kid wants you to do this or if your kid could do this instead of you – Maybe this is an opportunity to learn a valuable life skill. Ask your kid to have the talk (unless you will have every hard conversation with all her/his bosses some day too). Coaches respect the parents and the players when the player is the one having the talk.
    8. Ever yield on safety. If your child’s safety is called into question (whether it be returning to play too soon, being taught methods that could hurt her, or verbal abuse) walk away. It’s just a sport. Do not sacrifice the future for a game. Move on, and report coach to the club or governing body. "

    So what does everyone think is there enough communications between players and coaches? Also should parents be involved more or less?

    A lot of people focus on stats (goals, assists, etc) when they talk to there coaches but there is a lot more to the game, picking or switching positions or roles is not something that the parents or players get that much say in & seems to be one of areas of conflict.
     
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  2. El Clasico

    El Clasico Silver

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    So this is recreational level right? Where is the one for Club level? Love the don'ts, especially #4. What a stupid a** statement. I have coaches come into my place of business all the time and question me. Which is their right, considering they are paying me for a product just like when they are coaching my children, I am paying them with the understanding that I have certain expectations of them so it is EXACTLY about how coach does her job.
     
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  3. Striker17

    Striker17 Silver Elite

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    I love it when they compare it to schooling. No see at the school if there is an issue we have admin and regulatory body mediation- Club soccer nope. No need to engage. Protect your daughters and know you are the main advocate for recruitment
     
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  4. Frank

    Frank Bronze

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    #6 don't is sage advice
     
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  5. espola

    espola Silver Elite

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    Looks like it was written by a DOC.
     
  6. Soccer43

    Soccer43

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    I couldn't agree more - why do parents have to do a tap dance when it comes to talking to the coach. I am paying for a service, I have a right to demand a quality product and to communicate my expectations. I could care less about the coach having a family and respecting his time, blah, blah... this is his or her job, the coach is being paid as a "professional" - grow up
     
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  7. Soccer43

    Soccer43

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    And also, where is the list of Dos and Don'ts on how a coach should talk to a parent - any one want to add to that list?
     
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  8. xav10

    xav10 Silver

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    You’re paying for a service? Are you talking about private? Paying fees for your kid to be on a soccer team is not paying for a service. You think the coach works for you? Jesus do you have it wrong.
     
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  9. El Clasico

    El Clasico Silver

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    Let's examine this...Generally speaking, if they didn't know how to kick a soccer ball, most of the coaches out there would be polishing my car at the local carwash. I realize that the chump doesn't work for me, but rather the carwash owner, but to suggest that I am not paying for a service when I pay for my carwash is just ignorance or stupidity.
     
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  10. Multi Sport

    Multi Sport Silver Elite

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    I'm guessing because most parents will approach the coach in an emotional way. Most parents probably believe they know more then the coach. Not that any of that has ever prevented a parent from approaching a coach before...
     
  11. xav10

    xav10 Silver

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    You people are out of your minds. I played sports my whole life and had one son play club and academy and college and have another at academy. It’s not the parent’s trip, it’s the kid’s. The coach doesn’t work for you. The coach works for the club. My parents never spoke to any of my coaches. Pay your money and shut up. What do you think it’s about? Maybe you get one or two meetings per year with your minor child for an evaluation, but that’s it.
     
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  12. Bubba

    Bubba Bronze

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    Wow , this is the ideal parent that club soccer dreams about "Pay your money and shutup".
     
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  13. Soccer43

    Soccer43

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    It may be my kids trip but it is my money that pays for it all and without MY money there is no club and no job for the coach
     
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  14. Soccer43

    Soccer43

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    So you own the parents and the coaches ("my parents" "my coaches")? You are out of your mind not me. Parents don't work for you it is the other way around - unless you want to do all that for free you don't exist without my pocketbook. That's the reality. What do you think it is about?
     
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  15. uburoi

    uburoi Guest

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    Have it your way then. Your kid will not play and your reputation will follow him/her everywhere. Best of luck.
     
  16. uburoi

    uburoi Guest

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    The best coach my DD ever had told her that he doesn’t talk to parents, and if the parents try to talk to him their kid won’t play.
     
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  17. espola

    espola Silver Elite

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    When I was on the club BOD, we fired coaches like that.
     
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  18. Soccer43

    Soccer43

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    Yes there is always that - I will take your money while I also threaten you and punish your child. You are missing the point - my DD is strong and independent and she has been taught that if there is a problem it is up to her to talk it out with the coach and that is on her. I don't fight my players battles. I do however expect respect from the coach to us as parents and to my DD. Too often coaches are on a power trip and forget that the players are children and part of a family that is bigger than a coaches ego.
     
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  19. smellycleats

    smellycleats Bronze

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    If the player is a minor, a parent had better be involved. Please refer to past threads regarding coach Vince Thomas from Eagles who stands accused of sexually assaulting a 14 year old player.
     
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  20. xav10

    xav10 Silver

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    No, I meant my coaches who coached me as a kid and my actual mom and dad.
    Parents pay league and/or team (or club) fees, that's it. To think that this makes them the coach's employer is way off base.
     

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