Losing the fire? or just a phase?

[growingpains]

I guess in general this is more a parenting question than solely soccer, but I noticed lately that my DD (younger - <11) hasn't really been giving 100% in her games and practices. I asked her what was going on and she said that the league games don't matter that much. To me that's complete BS and she has always been a fierce competitor. She does love soccer and never complains about going to practice, extra trainings etc and afterwards whenever I ask, she says she really enjoyed it and had fun - in fact, she'll often ask to stay after practice to work on stuff she learned. but I noticed that she isn't taking it as seriously (or as focused) as she used to be during practices and games.

She used to completely dominate her opponents and be a standout player (and we're talking just a month or so ago) and now you can tell she's laying off. One time we were talking about another player that was just phenomenal (not on our team) and her response was that, "yeah, but nobody likes her". So I'm wondering if this is why... Ever since she started acting this way, the other girls on the team have been more receptive to her...

I know that talent at this age level doesn't really mean that much and all bets are off when they hit puberty. Honestly, if we didn't feel she had potential, we'd readily help her find her "thing" elsewhere - but she's got the footskills, speed, and smarts to potentially be very good if she sticks with it.

Sorry for the rambling message, but I guess my question is, for those who've been through it - did you kid ever go through a phase like this? How did you coach them through it? Should we worry about it or just let her be? Her behavior is starting to effect her "Standing" on the team - no longer starting, etc... When I push her on it, she gets upset when I imply that if she doesn't start busting her ass, we're not signing her up again next year. (Probably not the best approach) Is she just trying to fit in? and if so, how do we address this?

Any sincere help appreciated!

 

[coachrefparent]

My guess, merely from your post, is that she doesn't like all the soccer as much as you do, because you like it a lot more than she does, and you push her, and you send her to extra practices that you think she likes because she tells you so to please you, but really doesn't; and that she tells you her feelings, and you think it's B.S; and you threaten her with not signing her up next year because she is not living up to your ideal of a 10 year old busting their ass.

In other words the same reasons all kids burn out. Leave her alone, stop micromanaging her life, and let her play. She'll determine where she fits, and she may even regain the fire you doused.

Of course it may not be you at all, but simple pre-teen social dynamics. But I doubt this is the main issue.

 

[pooka]

of course all girls ebb and flow in skill, but to deliberately hold back would raise a red flag for me. some time off after this season may be a good thing. Ask her what she wants to do without threatening her. We begin every season with a discussion of if this is really how my DD wants to spend her time. if so cool, lets do it. if not, no hard feelings.

 

[boomer]

Interesting dilemma. Sounds like this may be more about being accepted by her peers. Some of the girls on the team might've felt like she was showing them up and somehow communicated that to her either directly or indirectly.

I see you're new to the forum. God help you. Others here will jump at the chance to call you out as an over-bearing parent who's "micromanaging" and "burning out" and "dousing" her fire. Funny how everyone has everyone else figured out based solely on a request for opinions. Of course it is possible you're "that parent", but we can give you benefit of the doubt here for now.

If you are keeping those tendencies (which many of us have) in check, then I would recommend giving her space and time as well. Easier said than done. She's so young still. Probably just trying to figure out who she is and what's important to her - being a top player or having more friends. Hopefully things fall into place for her and she figures out how to have both.

 

[Mystery Train]

I guess in general this is more a parenting question than solely soccer, but I noticed lately that my DD (younger - <11) hasn't really been giving 100% in her games and practices. I asked her what was going on and she said that the league games don't matter that much. To me that's complete BS and she has always been a fierce competitor. She does love soccer and never complains about going to practice, extra trainings etc and afterwards whenever I ask, she says she really enjoyed it and had fun - in fact, she'll often ask to stay after practice to work on stuff she learned. but I noticed that she isn't taking it as seriously (or as focused) as she used to be during practices and games.

She used to completely dominate her opponents and be a standout player (and we're talking just a month or so ago) and now you can tell she's laying off. One time we were talking about another player that was just phenomenal (not on our team) and her response was that, "yeah, but nobody likes her". So I'm wondering if this is why... Ever since she started acting this way, the other girls on the team have been more receptive to her...

I know that talent at this age level doesn't really mean that much and all bets are off when they hit puberty. Honestly, if we didn't feel she had potential, we'd readily help her find her "thing" elsewhere - but she's got the footskills, speed, and smarts to potentially be very good if she sticks with it.

Sorry for the rambling message, but I guess my question is, for those who've been through it - did you kid ever go through a phase like this? How did you coach them through it? Should we worry about it or just let her be? Her behavior is starting to effect her "Standing" on the team - no longer starting, etc... When I push her on it, she gets upset when I imply that if she doesn't start busting her ass, we're not signing her up again next year. (Probably not the best approach) Is she just trying to fit in? and if so, how do we address this?

Any sincere help appreciated!

You'll get no shortage of parenting advice on this forum.

From 11-14 is a span where so much is changing for the girls, it made my head spin trying to figure it all out. The social dynamic of a team is a HUGE factor at this age (more so than boys) and will have an inordinate affect on your DD's engagement. The best advice I could give is for you to just be as supportive as you can and help her constantly define and re-define what success means FOR HER. If success for her is enjoying her time playing on the team, being a decent bench player and improving her skills and staying physically fit, then great! Don't let the pressure of "she could be really good if only . . . " start to dictate decisions about playing. Encourage her to try some other sports, not as a punishment for lack of effort in soccer, but just to see what she thinks. At this age, withdrawing a little bit from guiding her and letting her make decisions will be very rewarding in the long run for both of you.

I also noticed at that age my kid stopped responding positively to my well intention-ed guidance about her performance/training. Before 12, she would beg me to take her out and show her things and work with her on skills, and gradually after that, all my input became a source for arguments until I learned that she was beginning to take control of her own development and my role had shifted into cheerleader/ice-cream provider/parent instead of "coach/CEO of development." Which is the way it should be anyway.

Good luck!

 

[MakeAPlay]

You'll get no shortage of parenting advice on this forum.

From 11-14 is a span where so much is changing for the girls, it made my head spin trying to figure it all out. The social dynamic of a team is a HUGE factor at this age (more so than boys) and will have an inordinate affect on your DD's engagement. The best advice I could give is for you to just be as supportive as you can and help her constantly define and re-define what success means FOR HER. If success for her is enjoying her time playing on the team, being a decent bench player and improving her skills and staying physically fit, then great! Don't let the pressure of "she could be really good if only . . . " start to dictate decisions about playing. Encourage her to try some other sports, not as a punishment for lack of effort in soccer, but just to see what she thinks. At this age, withdrawing a little bit from guiding her and letting her make decisions will be very rewarding in the long run for both of you.

I also noticed at that age my kid stopped responding positively to my well intention-ed guidance about her performance/training. Before 12, she would beg me to take her out and show her things and work with her on skills, and gradually after that, all my input became a source for arguments until I learned that she was beginning to take control of her own development and my role had shifted into cheerleader/ice-cream provider/parent instead of "coach/CEO of development." Which is the way it should be anyway.

Good luck!

@Mystery Train is 100% spot on for most kids. #GREATADVICE!!!

 

[Bananacorner]

You'll get no shortage of parenting advice on this forum.

From 11-14 is a span where so much is changing for the girls, it made my head spin trying to figure it all out. The social dynamic of a team is a HUGE factor at this age (more so than boys) and will have an inordinate affect on your DD's engagement. The best advice I could give is for you to just be as supportive as you can and help her constantly define and re-define what success means FOR HER. If success for her is enjoying her time playing on the team, being a decent bench player and improving her skills and staying physically fit, then great! Don't let the pressure of "she could be really good if only . . . " start to dictate decisions about playing. Encourage her to try some other sports, not as a punishment for lack of effort in soccer, but just to see what she thinks. At this age, withdrawing a little bit from guiding her and letting her make decisions will be very rewarding in the long run for both of you.

I also noticed at that age my kid stopped responding positively to my well intention-ed guidance about her performance/training. Before 12, she would beg me to take her out and show her things and work with her on skills, and gradually after that, all my input became a source for arguments until I learned that she was beginning to take control of her own development and my role had shifted into cheerleader/ice-cream provider/parent instead of "coach/CEO of development." Which is the way it should be anyway.

Good luck!

Agree 100%, but you forgot chauffer and gear-carrying sherpa

 

[The Driver]

I guess in general this is more a parenting question than solely soccer, but I noticed lately that my DD (younger - <11) hasn't really been giving 100% in her games and practices. I asked her what was going on and she said that the league games don't matter that much. To me that's complete BS and she has always been a fierce competitor. She does love soccer and never complains about going to practice, extra trainings etc and afterwards whenever I ask, she says she really enjoyed it and had fun - in fact, she'll often ask to stay after practice to work on stuff she learned. but I noticed that she isn't taking it as seriously (or as focused) as she used to be during practices and games.

She used to completely dominate her opponents and be a standout player (and we're talking just a month or so ago) and now you can tell she's laying off. One time we were talking about another player that was just phenomenal (not on our team) and her response was that, "yeah, but nobody likes her". So I'm wondering if this is why... Ever since she started acting this way, the other girls on the team have been more receptive to her...

I know that talent at this age level doesn't really mean that much and all bets are off when they hit puberty. Honestly, if we didn't feel she had potential, we'd readily help her find her "thing" elsewhere - but she's got the footskills, speed, and smarts to potentially be very good if she sticks with it.

Sorry for the rambling message, but I guess my question is, for those who've been through it - did you kid ever go through a phase like this? How did you coach them through it? Should we worry about it or just let her be? Her behavior is starting to effect her "Standing" on the team - no longer starting, etc... When I push her on it, she gets upset when I imply that if she doesn't start busting her ass, we're not signing her up again next year. (Probably not the best approach) Is she just trying to fit in? and if so, how do we address this?

Any sincere help appreciated!

Take a break

It may be just not talking about soccer

On the way home

On the way to

On the way there

Take a break

 

[Chalklines]

When I push her on it, she gets upset when I imply that if she doesn't start busting her ass, we're not signing her up again next year.

You obviously want this more then your daughter. Her drive and effort is telling you to back off. Making threats about not signing her up again was probably the worst thing you could have done.

Have you spoke with the coach?

Nothings wrong at this age taking a solid week or two off and just let your daughter be a kid. No ball, no soccer and no training. Ask her what she wants to do and where she wants to go. Take her places and talk to her about everything EXCEPT SOCCER.......

Be a dad and stop trying to coach. Make sure you have a reality check with your self about just how talented you think your girl is. Perception is not always reality.

 

[etc1217]

Up to now, I still ask my DD, "do you still love the game and want to play?" And she is almost 17 yrs old and she is still playing.

At that young age, there is a lot of social issues going on. Take a step back and give your DD some space. She will eventually come around to telling you what she wants or what is wrong. Just be supportive right now, she is still young and doesn't need the pressure of "you gotta be a starter." She still has time if that's what she really wants to do.

 

[Bananacorner]

I'll tell you, my daughter is older than yours, and she still isn't always in it to win it. Its very frustrating for her coach and teammates at times, but it is just something she is going to have to fix (or not fix) on her own. She has period where she absolutely kills it -- the coaches get excited, she is absolutely unstoppable (often in practices or scrimmage situations). Then a week or two later (often in a game situation), she is like a different person. Sometimes she just plays well, sometimes she goes so far to play poorly and sits the bench. Coach tries to get her moving but its like she has lead in her feet and all of her creativity and spunk is missing. For example, she was recently doing very well in practices, and a coach from an older team observed her and wanted her to play up in a game when his team was short. She went to the game and it was not good. Thankfully, the coach didn't play her much so she didn't negatively impact the game.

Sometimes I think maybe she is just a kid who doesn't really want to "stand out." She wants to blend in and just be one of the players -- not the best, not the worst. She doesn't want the pressure of being the kid everyone is counting on to win the game. That may (or may not) be just who she is. What I try NOT to do is think "what if? If only! how can I change her?" because we've been through that and it isn't helpful for anyone. I have engaged her about what she wants from the sport, and she says she wants to be ultra competitive, but sometimes actions speak louder than words. And that's ok. I tell her whatever she decides to do with the sport is ok with me (but she has to play some sport -- no sitting at home all day). As Mystery T says, utimately it is up to her and there is nothing a parent can do. Sure parents can try and push, push, push, withhold their approval, make it the most important thing in the relationship. But I don't think any one of us wants to be "that" parent.

Lots of good advice on here about letting her take some time, maybe try another sport, and see how things progress. The extra time won't matter in the long run.

 

[timbuck]

When was the last time she had a real break?
How many of her teammates go to the same school? What is her best friend in to?
Is she missing school social stuff because of soccer practice or games?
(And probably way to young for this - But where is she in the puberty phase? 12 year olds get the period and it takes a toll. And she probably does NOT want to talk about this with her dad).

 

[MWN]

...One time we were talking about another player that was just phenomenal (not on our team) and her response was that, "yeah, but nobody likes her". So I'm wondering if this is why... Ever since she started acting this way, the other girls on the team have been more receptive to her...

You have just identified the difference between boy and girl athletes. There is a saying among coaches that goes:

Boys have to win to feel good
Girls have to feel good to win​

As you daughter gets older the social element is that much more important. What her teammates think and how they treat her are so much more important to a girl than a boy. Watch the girls when one scores ... they all come in for a group hug. The boys? The scorer runs up the field basking in his own glory, a few high fives but no group hug.

What your daughters teammates think about her is so much more important today as it was last week.

 

[Multi Sport]

I guess in general this is more a parenting question than solely soccer, but I noticed lately that my DD (younger - <11) hasn't really been giving 100% in her games and practices. I asked her what was going on and she said that the league games don't matter that much. To me that's complete BS and she has always been a fierce competitor. She does love soccer and never complains about going to practice, extra trainings etc and afterwards whenever I ask, she says she really enjoyed it and had fun - in fact, she'll often ask to stay after practice to work on stuff she learned. but I noticed that she isn't taking it as seriously (or as focused) as she used to be during practices and games.

She used to completely dominate her opponents and be a standout player (and we're talking just a month or so ago) and now you can tell she's laying off. One time we were talking about another player that was just phenomenal (not on our team) and her response was that, "yeah, but nobody likes her". So I'm wondering if this is why... Ever since she started acting this way, the other girls on the team have been more receptive to her...

I know that talent at this age level doesn't really mean that much and all bets are off when they hit puberty. Honestly, if we didn't feel she had potential, we'd readily help her find her "thing" elsewhere - but she's got the footskills, speed, and smarts to potentially be very good if she sticks with it.

Sorry for the rambling message, but I guess my question is, for those who've been through it - did you kid ever go through a phase like this? How did you coach them through it? Should we worry about it or just let her be? Her behavior is starting to effect her "Standing" on the team - no longer starting, etc... When I push her on it, she gets upset when I imply that if she doesn't start busting her ass, we're not signing her up again next year. (Probably not the best approach) Is she just trying to fit in? and if so, how do we address this?

Any sincere help appreciated!

All four of my kids played club and yes, they all went through it. Had I known then what I know now, well I still wouldn't change a thing.

I instituted the 10 minute rule. Basically you have ten minutes to discuss the good, bad of their performance post game. Your kid must give their undivided attention so no headphones or looking out the car window. Engage your kid in the conversation, ask them what THEY think they did well or poorly. But when the ten minutes are up you're done.

I could tell you stories about my Dad leaving my sister at the park and making her walk home. And believe me, to this day she will tell you that pushing her was the right thing to do for her.

But each kid is unique and it's up to us parents to find out the best way to lead them.

Good luck. I'm sure whatever you do will be in the best interest of your daughter.

 

[Round]

You people sure do write.

I was you once. Kid was really good, probably better than more than most, but there was something missing. She wasn't the only one, there were a couple of others I knew just like her. All better than almost all the others but that wasn't enough.

The only way to know if all the time and effort and money and anger is worth it is if you know your kid really wants to do this. So much that the kid doesn't care what other kids think when they don't pass, shoot when they shouldn't and that they think they are better than everyone else, even when they aren't.

 

[SoccerFan4Life]

During soccer season, I tell them that they need to give it 100% and that we can decide if they want to do something new at the end of the season.

Once the season is over, I give them their break (no camps, no private trainers, we can skip some practices). Basically December we take it easy and we take it easy in July.
This worked for one of my kids that still plays in High School. The other one quit and moved on to another sport. My third one is ready to quit and he is only 9 years. I am not pushing him as I did my older kids. He will be trying out other sports in the spring and then decide if he wants to play soccer in the fall.

The problem that I have with club sports is that this is now becoming a year long commitment and how can you not expect for most kids to want to quit by they time they get to teenage years.

Club soccer should start in August and end during the 2nd week of December. Give everyone 6 weeks off through 1st week of February. Start in mid in February through last week of May. Then give them June & July off.

At the very least they should have this rule with the U littles and flight 3 and flight 2 teams.

 

[Deadpoolscores!]

I guess in general this is more a parenting question than solely soccer, but I noticed lately that my DD (younger - <11) hasn't really been giving 100% in her games and practices. I asked her what was going on and she said that the league games don't matter that much. To me that's complete BS and she has always been a fierce competitor. She does love soccer and never complains about going to practice, extra trainings etc and afterwards whenever I ask, she says she really enjoyed it and had fun - in fact, she'll often ask to stay after practice to work on stuff she learned. but I noticed that she isn't taking it as seriously (or as focused) as she used to be during practices and games.

She used to completely dominate her opponents and be a standout player (and we're talking just a month or so ago) and now you can tell she's laying off. One time we were talking about another player that was just phenomenal (not on our team) and her response was that, "yeah, but nobody likes her". So I'm wondering if this is why... Ever since she started acting this way, the other girls on the team have been more receptive to her...

I know that talent at this age level doesn't really mean that much and all bets are off when they hit puberty. Honestly, if we didn't feel she had potential, we'd readily help her find her "thing" elsewhere - but she's got the footskills, speed, and smarts to potentially be very good if she sticks with it.

Sorry for the rambling message, but I guess my question is, for those who've been through it - did you kid ever go through a phase like this? How did you coach them through it? Should we worry about it or just let her be? Her behavior is starting to effect her "Standing" on the team - no longer starting, etc... When I push her on it, she gets upset when I imply that if she doesn't start busting her ass, we're not signing her up again next year. (Probably not the best approach) Is she just trying to fit in? and if so, how do we address this?

Any sincere help appreciated!

There maybe a possible chance that she plateau amongst her peers and needs a new challenge or something different. If her team constantly wins or play at a level that doesn't seem challenging then the feel that what the point? It's normal for players to lose that spark and need something new...perhaps new team, new level, new coach,

 

[charlie murphy]

Maybe, stop trying to figure out what's going on. Talk to you daughter and Ask a simple question "what' s up ....." maybe she will give you a better answer than anyone on this forum. I f you push you will get push back , you both lose. good luck

 

[Buddhabman]

I agree, It becomes a drag for some kids on one hand. However for the kids that soccer is their thing, they will play all year long. High level socccer is virtually year around. The pros get the shortest break in all of pro sports.

 

[growingpains]

Thanks everyone for the feedback. It's exactly why I posted, the last thing I wanted to do was burn her out - yeah, threatening to not sign her up again next year probably didn't help things but it was in the heat of the moment. Gotta remember that cooler heads prevail. That said, I did notice a change in her determination and what I interpreted as work ethic. She just changed to a new team and well, they're all a little more laid back - on the one hand, it's good because it takes the pressure off a little bit, but at the same time, it makes me nervous that they aren't as serious and it rubs off on her.

She wants to play and I know she'd tell me if she didn't want to play anymore. It was never the case with soccer - she truly loves to play, there is rarely a time I see her around the house without a ball at her foot (and I'm the one who has to tell her to stop kicking it against the cabinets/walls, etc..), anytime I'm watching soccer, she comes down to watch with me and she's in awe when she sees amazing plays. She's actually disappointed when I tell her we had to cancel her private training due to scheduling.

Lately, she's been getting frustrated really easily. On a school project, she gave up after trying for just 1 min, threw down her pencil, and was in tears - this was something I knew she could figure out if she put her mind to it. There are other examples, but this whole soccer thing started when I noticed her lack of aggressiveness - so I thought I'd be positive and try to incentivize her by offering to take her to buy this thing she's wanted for a while (with her own savings) if she scored a goal. (She's an attacking midfielder/forward) She flipped out and said I haven't scored in a long time and I'm never going to score a goal!

Anyhow, so yesterday, after school instead of our usual routine, I decided to take her out to a cafe, she picked out a drink and snack, and we just sat and talked. I asked her about how school was going and she told me it was good and started talking about the dynamic between her friends and how she feels left out sometimes because she chose an elective she really wanted to do, but all her friends chose another one together. She didn't regret it, but it made her a little sad that nobody went with her. She said soccer was going fine and that she really enjoyed it and liked her team. I apologized for coming down on her yesterday and just listened. Turns out, she was upset because she felt like she was trying - she admitted it wasn't her best. I asked why, and she said, it's hard and she didn't think she could do it (score/beat her defender) so instead of risking losing the ball, she'd just pass to a teammate. (and they were good passes - didn't lose possession). It was really good understanding what was going through her head. We had to leave to go to practice and I just encouraged her to not be afraid to mess up and just try and practice. She worked her tail off in practice this time and even though she lost the ball now and then, I saw that fearlessness again! Hopefully it'll stick.

As I think about it now, I think she just needed some encouragement and a boost in confidence. She's a perfectionist and I think she really just didn't want to disappoint/mess up. She's mostly been ahead of her peers and now she's being challenged where things don't come as easy anymore. she probably feels too much pressure on her to lead the team and doesn't want to let them down. (our fault) I probably should start focusing on encouraging her to take more risks and stop pointing out "opportunities for improvement" altogether. I don't get upset at her or make her feel bad about the mistakes she makes, but we do talk about those in our short post game debriefs (which cover both positive and negative) - and I think it's sending the wrong message. Honestly, it makes me nervous because it's so counter-intuitive right? Like, I think back and go, man, it would've been so much easier if someone had just told me what I was doing wrong so I could fix it... but I guess that's part of life, figuring things out yourself and the process is equally important. sigh.

Anyhow, thanks all for the therapy session and advice - ha! This parenting thing is the real deal, helluva lot tougher than it looks. Will let you know how the weekend goes...