Need advise...is this the end?

It really sounds like she just needs a break. The pressure she feels is likely coming from multiple sources - including herself - and even if not verbally from her parents, kids know your expectations and/hopes and can sense it. It frankly can be very stress inducing and overwhelming.

I recently saw this video on Kobe Bryant where in his first appearance at the McDonalds All star camp he did absolutely horrible, scored zero pts, etc... at the end of the game, he said his dad came up to him, put his arm around and just said, “ya know, whether you score 60 or zero, I still love you the same.” Nothing else. He said that really set the foundation for him... and from there on instead of being driven by outside pressure to perform, he was driven by internal desire to be the best.

The difference is, she needs to get to a point where she’s out there because she wants to be the best player she can be and stop giving a shit what anyone else has to say - including her high school coach. It’s a level of confidence and security that she’s loved/accepted no matter what that frees her to be herself and make mistakes, but also play fearlessly and without anxiety - that’s when you play your best.

And that’s where you come in... I can tell in the tone of your OP that you’re anxious about where this is going to end up, what about her commits, how much has been invested... there’s a lot of anxiety you have as a parent (naturally so) - and I can also tell you’re doing your best to be positive and supportive. but you need to be the rock and put your game face on to model what confidence looks like - and believe it yourself that all will be ok. She needs to know that you know no matter how she plays/if she plays, everything is going to be fine. If she loses the scholarship, everything will be ok. If ends up at a different school, everything will be ok. And it will.

So let her take a break if she needs - not just for the sake of taking a break, but so she can realize that everything will be ok if she does. Don’t position it as if you take a break that’s the end all be all - even if she ends up not getting to play HS anymore because the coach is a jackass, she can still play club somewhere next year. It will help remove a huge weight off her shoulders and the side benefit is you’ll be surprised how much faster her body will heal from the reduced stress.

Thank you for your great post. You hit the nail on the head in every respect...she is an over achiever in every way - since she was little she succeeded in everything she did with little effort - music, academics, sports, friendships, etc. What has happened over the past few months is an internal switch where she is become more concerned with how what she does (or how successful she is) is perceived by others. The comments I've been hearing ("I'm going to have to work for a starting spot (on the college team) because they brought in another keeper who is better", or "I am a slow runner and I don't know if I can even pass all the D1 physical tests") reveal to me that her fears and doubts about the future are impacting her current physical and mental capabilities. Those thoughts are driving her decisions and will be Until/If/When she decides the end goal is worth the fight. As you said SHE has to want to be the best and not worry about what others say. Although soccer (being a gk) has been the most tangible example, she has also said she worries about "letting others down" - even "minor" things like backing out of a baby sitting job (because she was sick) or having to change plans with a friend due to a schedule conflict and the friend getting upset. I honestly think she is working through how her sense of responsibility is being prioritized based on how others will feel rather than by doing what is best for herself/what she knows is right.

Being a teenager is so hard - I could never have managed the expectations and demands she is facing. She has told me so many examples of kids with similar pressures that are making bad choices (drinking, smoking, etc.) and still wearing the mask of 'having it all together'. I'm proud of the courage it took for her to talk about her anxiety and making hard choices to prioritize her health and well being - even though it is really, really hard to take a break from soccer (I'll be honest, more for me right now just knowing it means she is missing so much both as a teammate but also in staying engaged in the game). But that's what she needs to get mentally and physically healthy. You are right - for me, the anxiety is not knowing if she will come out of this break ready and willing to give it another shot, or if she is ready to hang up her cleats permanently. She is done with high school soccer - that's a no brainer. Her club team is awesome - and they all support her unconditionally (a couple wish they could do what she is doing but they aren't committed yet so this is 'their time' to shine). The club directors are the ones who encouraged her to take a break (coach gets it too, but he doesn't get the mental anxiety part).

She WILL be OK and we will support her whatever happens - she absolutely knows that. She is 100% sure the college she is verbally committed to is her college of choice - it is the perfect fit academically, spiritually (it's a Christian university) and athletically. I just hope that she is able to overcome the doubts and mental 'done-ness' she feels right now and be open to seeing the long term benefits of working through the challenges, getting stronger physically and mentally, and accepting that there are so many benefits of playing college sports that will enhance her college experience. Thank you so much for your post - it really helped me feel better :)
 
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